Need dating advice

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lily22

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I am looking to date again and wondered thoughts on if I should try to find a catholic or not. fyi-- never dated one ever and am jaded about them. I wouldn’t even know how to get asked out by one, because it never happens but secular guys always ask me out. should i join a dating site or what do i do. no one asks me out at church and i go all the time. thanks in advance. i am free to marry/catholic.
 
You are in the Catholic Answers Forums, so I imagine everyone is going to give you the same answer: yes.

However, the real question in your post seems to be, “How do I get Catholic guys to ask me out?”

Am I wrong?

I wish I could help you, but it’s hard to give advice when I don’t know you. But there are plenty of people here that are much smarter than me, so I look forward to the discussion.

Peace.
 
ok, thought so. i suppose i should be content with non-christian guys…that’s who asks me out so why should i question it!
 
Are you talking to yourself? A bit confused at your posts! Why not date a catholic? I know we are sinners, but some of us are so darn cute!
 
I did not date non-Catholic guys once I came into the Church. Dating’s purpose is to look for a spouse. I did pray for my future husband every day, that God watch out for him, help him to make good choices, and that he come into the Church before I met him, if he wasn’t a Catholic yet.

You didn’t mention your age. 😉
 
i’m mid-30’s.

ok, i guess i will keep waiting or stay single, i give up
 
lily22 said:
I am looking to date again and wondered thoughts on if I should try to find a catholic … no one asks me out at church and i go all the time.
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I don’t know if you mean you go to Mass all the time, but the right sort of men might not be outgoing and sociable at the Mass itself. They may be more sociable at the after-Mass social (coffee & donuts?) if there is one, or a parish supper, or a bible study (my pals and I used to go out for pizza afterwards), or some other parish program.

Also look for opportunities to volunteer to help with parish activities (like setting up or serving at that parish supper), or to participate in service activities (helping those in need). Not only is that virtuous, and good for the soul, but it puts you out there where people can see what a helpful, attentive, and wonderful person you are. That can be very attractive.
 
For heavens sake, date anyone you feel could be the “right” one. Don’t turn it in to a problem. Life is not “rocket science” it is…just life.

Many say it is important to date one who share ones faith. Maybe there is a bit truth in it, but if I would fall in love with a Muslim or atheist I would not hesitate. What do cause problem is when religion is a issue, a normal Catholic life is not a issue. What wrong can love do? If both parts are free there is no problem. If you respect someone who have an other way to look at life he will respect yours, if it is REAL love.
 
It is most likely that you are too good looking. Men are a bit shy going up to a really pretty woman such as yourself after mass. Go to one of the teas or coffees after mass and introduce yourself to a lot of people, including of course any and all eligible men present. Much easier for the man. Poor tremulous souls need all the help you can decorously give them!
 
I understand your way of speaking, perfectly! lol

What would we recommend? Since you’ve asked, I’d recommend dating a Catholic. Why? What if you become serious one day, want to get married? If you fall in love with a non-Catholic, there are more complications.

For example…you might end up going to different churches on the weekend. Then, if you have children, what faith will they be raised in? Will you go, with the kids to your church, or will he go…with the kids…to his?

Do you see how it begins to split the entire family? You need to start off at least on the same page. Granted, people can change, but it’s best, in my opinion, to try to start off together, at least.

Also, a Catholic would be more understanding if you ever wanted to use…natural family planning, at some future point. A non-Catholic might want contraception, only.

As a Catholic, if/when you do marry, you will probably want to go to marriage preparation classes, precana. The ideal is to find someone of the same faith to share ALL these things with you, and more.

You need someone who is a kindred spirit on the key issues. What are the key issues? One is religion, or if it’s not, it should be.

Now, next would be to strive to find a practicing…Catholic, not just one in name alone.

However, a lot of those are already married in some cases. There are cases of annulment, say. What you are looking for is sort of rare and hard to find in this time, unfortunately, but it should still be there, somewhere.

How to find a Catholic… I think some parishes offer singles events. You could try one of those, or go to say, one of their other events…Catholic Bible study.

Near where I lived, there was a Catholic university. I wasn’t looking for anybody, so I never tried this, but were I to be looking, I might also try looking at a place like that, as well. Although, keep in mind, non-Catholics go to places like that, but the odds might be a little better at a place like that.

I didn’t attend the university, but I used to walk around there, go to a Book Knook, and occasionally just leaf through a few Catholic books.
 
lily22 said:
ok, thought so. i suppose i should be content with non-christian guys…that’s who asks me out so why should i question it!
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It’s really a question of knowing yourself; can you handle a relationship where there are differences of opinion on certain Catholic teachings? Or do you prefer someone who thinks along the same lines when it comes to religion, morals, etc?
 
lily22,

I am sorry this issue is so difficult for you. These are some of the emotions your posts indicate to me: anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. I hope you were just having a bad moment or couple of days. I truly hope these emotions are not ever present for you, especially not at the levels your posts indicate.

I wonder if loneliness is existential, and only vanquished when in perfect union with God after this mortal life. As for the others, I hope you can achieve some sort of emotional “reset”. I personally find it increasingly harder to see opportunities and make good decisions as some these mentioned emotions get stronger.

Your posts indicate strongly to me you indeed do want to meet, date, and/or discern marriage with Catholic men. It seems to me it would be ok for you to acknowledge that even if it has not happened yet. I do not think repressing our desires does us any good. Beryllos gives some good advice. Even if those have failed you previously, that does not mean you should give up. I truly believe if you strive to understand and do God’s will, everything will turn out the best for you. 🙂 Please be patient.

I hope you have a wonderful day.
 
Petaro said:
It is most likely that you are too good looking. Men are a bit shy going up to a really pretty woman such as yourself after mass. Go to one of the teas or coffees after mass and introduce yourself to a lot of people, including of course any and all eligible men present. Much easier for the man. Poor tremulous souls need all the help you can decorously give them!
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yes, my friend told me “i am too intimidating”/attractive. a friend told me i needed to date a person in power/like the governor

i usually end up dating fairly well known people in the community who are non-catholic they are not as intimidated.
 
thanks, loneliness is a huge issue for me.
bsf said:
lily22,

I am sorry this issue is so difficult for you. These are some of the emotions your posts indicate to me: anger, frustration, disappointment, sadness, loneliness, and hopelessness. I hope you were just having a bad moment or couple of days. I truly hope these emotions are not ever present for you, especially not at the levels your posts indicate.

I wonder if loneliness is existential, and only vanquished when in perfect union with God after this mortal life. As for the others, I hope you can achieve some sort of emotional “reset”. I personally find it increasingly harder to see opportunities and make good decisions as some these mentioned emotions get stronger.

Your posts indicate strongly to me you indeed do want to meet, date, and/or discern marriage with Catholic men. It seems to me it would be ok for you to acknowledge that even if it has not happened yet. I do not think repressing our desires does us any good. Beryllos gives some good advice. Even if those have failed you previously, that does not mean you should give up. I truly believe if you strive to understand and do God’s will, everything will turn out the best for you. 🙂 Please be patient.

I hope you have a wonderful day.
Click to expand...
 
lily22 said:
I am looking to date again and wondered thoughts on if I should try to find a catholic or not. fyi-- never dated one ever and am jaded about them. I wouldn’t even know how to get asked out by one, because it never happens but secular guys always ask me out. should i join a dating site or what do i do. no one asks me out at church and i go all the time. thanks in advance. i am free to marry/catholic.
Click to expand...
The problem with feeling jaded is that too many men have no clue how to talk to a woman. :rolleyes: I think some Catholic men think that trying to be holy and showing that to the girl is the best way to get a date with a Catholic girl, but regardless, men need to realize that it is romantic communication (and I don’t mean dopey pick-up lines, making jokes that are not funny or asking for sex) is what attracts men.

My guess is that these “secular” guys are more easy-going, carefree, which could be good or bad. Men who don’t know about dating are naturally more comfortable around women they are not attracted to.

So, you’re situation doesn’t surprise me.

Signing up for a catholic dating site like Catholic Singles or Catholic Match is a good idea so long as you understand how on-line dating works, namely just don’t take nonsense you wouldn’t stand for in real life. 👍

The idea behind those sites, especially Catholic Match, is that most everyone on there is Catholic, which would lighten the religious burden some when you date a guy to see if he is right for you.

There is some wisdom in dating someone for the purpose of finding out if you two are good marriage material. If you don’t have the strong personality that can convert a secular person, then I strongly suggest dating Catholic men and signing up for a dating site.
 
Lasting_faith said:
For heavens sake, date anyone you feel could be the “right” one. Don’t turn it in to a problem. Life is not “rocket science” it is…just life.

Many say it is important to date one who share ones faith. Maybe there is a bit truth in it, but if I would fall in love with a Muslim or atheist I would not hesitate. What do cause problem is when religion is a issue, a normal Catholic life is not a issue. What wrong can love do? If both parts are free there is no problem. If you respect someone who have an other way to look at life he will respect yours, if it is REAL love.
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Maybe there is a bit truth in it. Maybe? A bit?
The Church advises against a mixed marriage, especially with a person who does not acknowledge Jesus Christ as the Son of God. Scripture advises against it. Do not yolk yourself to an unbeliever. With this attitude, you are at odds with the Church and scripture, and you are advising others to proceed into a situation where they would be at odds with the Church and scripture.

If a person is discerning marriage, they have to ask if this person will be a life partner that will help both partners get to heaven, and any children they may have. We will have to give an account for our choices, and what impact those choices will have on others.

REAL love, as you say, is Jesus Christ crucified. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Anyone willing to put Him to the side for dating is flirting with disaster. Future children and grandchildren and their salvation will be affected by this choice. Be smart in the choosing.

Prudence: is the virtue that disposes practical reason to discern our true good in every circumstance and to choose the right means of achieving it; “the prudent man looks where he is going.”

Fortitude is the moral virtue that ensures firmness in difficulties and constancy in the pursuit of the good. It strengthens the resolve to resist temptations and to overcome obstacles in the moral life.

**Temperance **is the moral virtue that moderates the attraction of pleasures and provides balance in the use of created goods. It ensures the will’s mastery over instincts and keeps desires within the limits of what is honorable.
 
The Catholic dating sites, even the Christian dating sites, are very successful.

I would avoid the Christian Mingle and other Christian sites (non Catholic ones) because
they seem to emphasize remarriage, which would bring you into mortal sin.

Also, from my own experience, I tell you that dating a non-Catholic will only bring you pain, separation, grief and hardship if you are serious about your faith.

Better not to marry than to marry a non-Catholic.
 
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