Need desperate help with pregnant girlfriend

[mizznicole]

I come from a few generations of shotgun weddings. Everyone made it, though it wasn’t easy. If you love her, if you believe in marriage, if you pray a lot, you’ll be fine.

Also, from my experience, babies don’t cost a lot outside of the delivery. The biggest thing is being able to pay the rent on one income.

 

[newbetx]

As much as I dislike saying this, I think if you’re not in love, you shouldn’t get married. Two wrongs don’t make a right, as they say. Just get ready to support the child for the rest of your life, and try to be a good dad. It’s going to be rough. You’re no longer a ‘free’ man.

Many relationships in this world don’t start “in love” prior to a good marriage. Any marriage whether or not they are “in love” takes dedication, hard work, support and compasion to survive. “Love” is somthing that can come and go.

This couple has a child. The child deserves full time, dedicated parents. Dedicated to him/her and to each other. That can be worked out without having to be “in-love.”

I know a couple that have a child and were never married. They both promised to work together (separately) to provide the best for him. Really, the’re like divorced people when it comes to the child, but without the “bitterness” of a divorce. They don’t work as one. Yes you can say that many married people don’t work as one on the same subject, but it’s much harder to try to work as one when you live separately.

What ever happened to “do the right thing and get married?” My feeling is, Get married, dedicate yourself to EACH OTHER, and love will come and stay (if it’s not there already.) The posters are correct, don’t marry FOR the child. Wrong focus. Marry because of the child, but FOR each other and that will work.

Your GF and you have a lot to talk about and agree to.

 

[surfinpure]

Many relationships in this world don’t start “in love” prior to a good marriage. Any marriage whether or not they are “in love” takes dedication, hard work, support and compasion to survive. “Love” is somthing that can come and go.

This couple has a child. The child deserves full time, dedicated parents. Dedicated to him/her and to each other. That can be worked out without having to be “in-love.”

I know a couple that have a child and were never married. They both promised to work together (separately) to provide the best for him. Really, the’re like divorced people when it comes to the child, but without the “bitterness” of a divorce. They don’t work as one. Yes you can say that many married people don’t work as one on the same subject, but it’s much harder to try to work as one when you live separately.

What ever happened to “do the right thing and get married?” My feeling is, Get married, dedicate yourself to EACH OTHER, and love will come and stay (if it’s not there already.) The posters are correct, don’t marry FOR the child. Wrong focus. Marry because of the child, but FOR each other and that will work.

Your GF and you have a lot to talk about and agree to.

Just want to this post.

 

[jwashu]

Many relationships in this world don’t start “in love” prior to a good marriage. Any marriage whether or not they are “in love” takes dedication, hard work, support and compasion to survive. “Love” is somthing that can come and go.

This couple has a child. The child deserves full time, dedicated parents. Dedicated to him/her and to each other. That can be worked out without having to be “in-love.”

I know a couple that have a child and were never married. They both promised to work together (separately) to provide the best for him. Really, the’re like divorced people when it comes to the child, but without the “bitterness” of a divorce. They don’t work as one. Yes you can say that many married people don’t work as one on the same subject, but it’s much harder to try to work as one when you live separately.

What ever happened to “do the right thing and get married?” My feeling is, Get married, dedicate yourself to EACH OTHER, and love will come and stay (if it’s not there already.) The posters are correct, don’t marry FOR the child. Wrong focus. Marry because of the child, but FOR each other and that will work.

Your GF and you have a lot to talk about and agree to.

I agree with this but want to add that I know a lot of people who were “in love” and got married only to find that without commitment, without God, they just couldn’t live together when the “love” or rather “passion” died away.

A couple who is prayerful, committed to each other and to their faith can make it. If you love her and she you and both of you are ready to take the challenge with His help - then talk to your parents, talk to your Priest and may God Bless you, your Child and your Marriage.

I’m sure things are pretty scary right now but you have to bring people into the loop now

As other have said, don’t quit school, even if you have to reduce your education to a few night classes for a few years keep going.

Are your parents or her parents close? Daycare is really expensive but I know that if I was retired and one of my sons came to me with news like this I would be more than happy to keep my grandchild during the day! (my oldest is only 5 so I have a few years though, lol!) I might berate him for doing something stupid but I would praise him for trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation and help any way I could.

You sound like you have your head on straight and care about your faith or you wouldn’t be here. At least part of that is a reflection on your parents, I bet if you give them a chance things will be ok.

Be prepared though for both the greatest and the most difficult times you can imagine… at least for a few years. However my guess is that you will quickly see, just as another poster said, nothing will be as important as that child. Remember though when you get to that point not to forget your wife. A sacramental marriage takes a lot of work and giving, if you two focus on each other and on Him, your child will have everything they need

Sincerely,
Joe

 

[amandamay83]

Hi there. I’m 25, and I’ve been in you shoes, all too recently. My now-husband and I had not one, but two children out of wedlock. (13 mo. apart!)

First things first: tell your parents. Now. Really. I’m not going to lie–it’s not going to be fun. But it’s also probably not going to be as bad as you imagine. My story is kinda convoluted–the first time, my mom found out basically through the grapvine. My mom and I are super close, and that will always be my biggest regret. The second time, mom figured it out on her own, but again, I didn’t tell her. I really wish I had. When I told my dad the first time, I just blurted it out all at once. I fully expected him to flip out. Instead he said, “Oh no.” Totally calm, as if he had stubbed his toe or something.

So anyway–yes. Go tell your parents. Now. Do it and get it out of the way. Things get a LOT easier after that.

Second: I don’t buy into the “do the right thing” shot-gun wedding. By all means, if you love her, marry her. But don’t marry her out of obligation. Two wrongs don’t make a right. I firmly believe that marriage is forever and divorce is a cop-out (usually). Making a marriage work is hard enough; don’t complicate things by marrying someone only because you “have” to.

That said, kids are fun. Brace yourself for the first 6 wks. Those are the hardest (both for you AND her). After that, though, they start to get more human-like and more fun.

And how could I have forgotten the most important thing? CONGRATULATIONS!

PS–>To everyone else: I notice several here thanking the OP for choosing life. When I had my first, I had a woman rush up to me after mass one day and thank me for choosing life. What is the appropriate response? “You’re welcome”? I have never felt so awkward in my life.

 

[DustinM]

What ever happened to “do the right thing and get married?” My feeling is, Get married, dedicate yourself to EACH OTHER, and love will come and stay (if it’s not there already.) The posters are correct, don’t marry FOR the child. Wrong focus. Marry because of the child, but FOR each other and that will work.

I’m glad my ex-girl and I didn’t get married. We would have been miserable together.

Sometimes doing the right thing is not getting married. My daughter never knew her parents as one, and she’s a very happy child; much happier than seeing her parents fight all the time and possibly getting divorced later.
Also note, that my return to the Catholic faith happened largely from researching on the Internet. I would have been doing other things had I gotten married, and may not be a Catholic now.

If the OP marries his girlfriend, it should not be because of the child. (Shotgun wedding or not.)

 

[bpbasilphx]

Secondly, I’m afraid of how our families are going to react to this situation.

**They might scream and cry and yell–and when they are through, they will still love you, if they are the right kind of families. (Consider how Sarah Palin is reacting with a comparable situtation.)

What do you think they will do? Say, “Leave! And never darken our bathtub again!”

I don’t really think so. **

 

[Norseman82]

Many relationships in this world don’t start “in love” prior to a good marriage. Any marriage whether or not they are “in love” takes dedication, hard work, support and compasion to survive. “Love” is somthing that can come and go.

This couple has a child. The child deserves full time, dedicated parents. Dedicated to him/her and to each other. That can be worked out without having to be “in-love.”

I know a couple that have a child and were never married. They both promised to work together (separately) to provide the best for him. Really, the’re like divorced people when it comes to the child, but without the “bitterness” of a divorce. They don’t work as one. Yes you can say that many married people don’t work as one on the same subject, but it’s much harder to try to work as one when you live separately.

What ever happened to “do the right thing and get married?” My feeling is, Get married, dedicate yourself to EACH OTHER, and love will come and stay (if it’s not there already.) The posters are correct, don’t marry FOR the child. Wrong focus. Marry because of the child, but FOR each other and that will work.

Your GF and you have a lot to talk about and agree to.

This has to be the best post yet. I just want to add a link to a USCCB document “Why do children need married parents?”:

usccb.org/laity/marriage/children.shtml

Besides, if they don’t marry and the baby is not put up for adoption, does the OP expect some other guy to come along and clean up the mess he created (I’m referring to the situation, not the child, before anyone jumps all over me) while he goes off to knock up other women (which could get ugly if he comes to Chicago and attempts to do so to any virgins I’m interested in)? Or will the kid have to grow up with the “which parent has custody of me this weekend” scenario?

Now you will have to pardon me, I have to get going to the gym for my Saturday boxing workout (never know when it may come in handy).

 

[kage_ar]

Sorry to break the hearts of the hopeless romantics among us but…being “in love” is not a requirement for a valid sacramental marriage.

A child deserves an intact family. Two parents, mom and dad who are married and working toward the goal of getting to heaven. If a child is not a good enough reason to get married, what is? A child is worth more than money or education or romance, a child is a precious thing, and does deserve to be raised by a father AND a mother inside a loving home.

Think about it, when Jesus was born of the Virgin - God placed Mary in a holy marriage with Joseph. God in his wisdom chose the best for Jesus’ to begin His earthly life - with a married couple.

Should marriage be impossible, then, placing the child with an adoptive couple is a generious gift.

 

[vocatio]

Sorry to break the hearts of the hopeless romantics among us but…being “in love” is not a requirement for a valid sacramental marriage.

A child deserves an intact family. Two parents, mom and dad who are married and working toward the goal of getting to heaven. If a child is not a good enough reason to get married, what is? A child is worth more than money or education or romance, a child is a precious thing, and does deserve to be raised by a father AND a mother inside a loving home.

Think about it, when Jesus was born of the Virgin - God placed Mary in a holy marriage with Joseph. God in his wisdom chose the best for Jesus’ to begin His earthly life - with a married couple.

Should marriage be impossible, then, placing the child with an adoptive couple is a generious gift.

I tend to agree with you on this. However, it is not prudent for a couple to attempt marriage if imature. There could be serveral impediments that we are unaware of and that is why this couple need to seek counsel with Father. We need to stop playing pastor.

 

[surfinpure]

I tend to agree with you on this. However, it is not prudent for a couple to attempt marriage if imature. There could be serveral impediments that we are unaware of and that is why this couple need to seek counsel with Father. We need to stop playing pastor.

If the couple is too immature to marry, they should not attempt to raise a child together – especially in an unwed state. Rather, they should give the child up for adoption. But I agree with the Church, that the child deserves two married parents within the home. “Love” is not romance – it is sacrifice and devotion. Perhaps the problem is that we no longer see the marital sacrifice as one necessary for the good of the child. We couldn’t be more wrong in this.

 

[DustinM]

A child deserves an intact family. Two parents, mom and dad who are married and working toward the goal of getting to heaven. If a child is not a good enough reason to get married, what is? A child is worth more than money or education or romance, a child is a precious thing, and does deserve to be raised by a father AND a mother inside a loving home.

This is way too narrow minded. As I said in my post before, had I married my ex-girl, it would have made my daughter’s life worse; and I may have never returned to my Catholic faith.

A child is not a good enough reason to get married if you think the marriage is going to make you unhappy.

As for a child being more precious than an education: Again, very narrow minded. Without my college degree, I’d be making less than 30,000 USD a year. With my degree, I’m making 5X,000 USD a year…that directly impacts my daughter’s quality of life. As I studied hard, I thought of my daughter, and how it was worth it for her. (I also spent as much time with her as I could, which was a lot once I was granted overnights.)

My daughter has a father and a mother. Both love her more than anyone else. But we don’t love each other, and we don’t even really get along in a relationship. I *owe *it to my daughter *not *to be with my ex-girl.

My daughter is a very happy child, and I would even say spoiled. (Both with material possessions and with love!) This is much better than being raised in an unhappy home.

The OP may get along with his current girlfriend *way *better than I do with my ex. My advice is not for them to separate…just to hold off on marriage until they are sure they are ready. It’s possible to have a child together and still not be ready. (I’m living proof!)

 

[DustinM]

If the couple is too immature to marry, they should not attempt to raise a child together – especially in an unwed state. Rather, they should give the child up for adoption. But I agree with the Church, that the child deserves two married parents within the home. “Love” is not romance – it is sacrifice and devotion. Perhaps the problem is that we no longer see the marital sacrifice as one necessary for the good of the child. We couldn’t be more wrong in this.

And what if they love their own child and can’t give it up for adoption, but still know they aren’t ready for marriage?
To imply that the only two options are:
Marriage
or
Adoption (for the child)

is silly.

Me (and my daughter) are living proof that you can have tons of happiness with the parents beings separated.
Marital sacrifice is not necessary for the good of the child, and I’m living proof of that.
You are mistaken.

 

[surfinpure]

And what if they love their own child and can’t give it up for adoption, but still know they aren’t ready for marriage?
To imply that the only two options are:
Marriage
or
Adoption (for the child)

is silly.

Me (and my daughter) are living proof that you can have tons of happiness with the parents beings separated.
Marital sacrifice is not necessary for the good of the child, and I’m living proof of that.
You are mistaken.

Is the Church mistaken in teaching that each child deserves a mother AND father in the same home? Please explain how your particular situation (and you do have my sympathy) overrides the basic rights of children.

A couple who loves their child sacrificially and who is not willing to marry should let the interest of the child be their first consideration, above and beyond their own feelings. With all respect for you and your daughter, there is no way that a loving single-parent household can meet every need that a loving dual-parent household does. That is the model God has given us, and it simply has no equal. Marital sacrifice – and by that I mean the willingness of the couple to do whatever it takes to give the child a stable home with a mother and father – is God’s best plan for every child.

The only “successful” marriage is the one in which the husband and wife each give of themselves as much as it takes. That is “love” in the marital sense. I do not believe any couple is unable to achieve a good marriage if they simply seek God’s grace, obey his law, and submit themselves to each other. The idea that “romance” and “chemistry” have to be present for a relationship to “work out” is cheap modern nonsense.

And as I said before, if a couple is not ready for marriage, they certainly are not ready for parenthood.

 

[sanctamaria17]

You don’t have to be in love but you do have to love each other and be willing to spend the rest of your lives together. The OP is in college, correct?

I’m in college too. I’ve helped a friend go through pregnancy scares last year. What should you do?

If you can afford to, stay in college. You have a better shot of making more money with a degree than without one (I know it’s not true for everyone but it is more probable). It shows people that you finished something, that you’re educated and capable of critical thought and analysis. And it’s a good example to your child and improves the quality of life for your child.

Don’t think about marriage until the baby is born. Get ready for the child and make the preparations. Embrace your role as the father and give support to your girl, the baby’s mother. Once you get in the swing of things, focus on your relationship and prayerfully determine where it’s going.

Too many shotgun weddings end in disaster. It’s better to just remain single and civil if marriage isn’t for you and co-parent than to go through a messy divorce. I’ve seen that happen and it’s not good.

 

[kage_ar]

This is way too narrow minded. As I said in my post before, had I married my ex-girl, it would have made my daughter’s life worse; and I may have never returned to my Catholic faith.

At the risk of going off topic, do you have a special ability to see alternate futures? You do not know that marriage of her parents would have made your daughter’s life worse. You can see the path you chose. I am glad your daughter is happy. That does not mean that her life would be worse. She is so young, you have many years to watch her life. I pray she is not impacted by not having an intact family.

A child is not a good enough reason to get married if you think the marriage is going to make you unhappy.

Even the US Constitution does not guarantee any of us happiness - it guarantees that we can persue happiness.

The Christian life is a life of self sacrifice. There are happy times and sad times. Marriage is the same way. Being happy is not more important than your child’s spiritual and emotional well being.

The Catechism gives a good high level idea of Christian marriage.

1601 “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.”

Link here to read the rest of this section
scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#1601

As for a child being more precious than an education: Again, very narrow minded. Without my college degree, I’d be making less than 30,000 USD a year. With my degree, I’m making 5X,000 USD a year…that directly impacts my daughter’s quality of life. As I studied hard, I thought of my daughter, and how it was worth it for her. (I also spent as much time with her as I could, which was a lot once I was granted overnights.)

Again, that is a helluva crystal ball you have there! You are positive that no one who does not have a college degree can make a decent living?

Can you tell me, what college did Bill Gates graduate from?

Last year, I made a good amount more than what you are making. I was homeschooled through high school and dropped out of college.

More important, money does NOT make a person happy. The most miserable people I know are wealthy. The happiest are poor.

God set up the family as the ideal. Marriage is the way God designed for children to be brought up in this world. God also designed people to save sex for marriage. Just because someone has sex outside of marriage does not make marriage less important to a family.

Do all children have the ideal, no, and many of them thrive in spite of it.

End of my off topic rant.

 

[DustinM]

Is the Church mistaken in teaching that each child deserves a mother AND father in the same home? Please explain how your particular situation (and you do have my sympathy) overrides the basic rights of children.

A child deserves to be raised in a home of understanding and love. Or in my daughter’s case two homes. It is not a basic and unalienable right that children must grow up with both parents in the same household.
The must be provided for emotional, physically and spiritually, and my daughter is.

A couple who loves their child sacrificially and who is not willing to marry should let the interest of the child be their first consideration, above and beyond their own feelings.

I do place my daughter above my own feelings.

1. She’s better off with her parents separate.
2. There’s no way a foster home would give her as much love as me and my ex-girl can.
   I did place my daughter first.

With all respect for you and your daughter, there is no way that a loving single-parent household can meet every need that a loving dual-parent household does. That is the model God has given us, and it simply has no equal. Marital sacrifice – and by that I mean the willingness of the couple to do whatever it takes to give the child a stable home with a mother and father – is God’s best plan for every child.

And yet my daughter is

1. Happier than most kids I see with their parents fighting all the time
2. Happier than most kids in foster homes

My daughter’s needs are being met just fine, but thanks for insulting me by saying otherwise.

The only “successful” marriage is the one in which the husband and wife each give of themselves as much as it takes. That is “love” in the marital sense. I do not believe any couple is unable to achieve a good marriage if they simply seek God’s grace, obey his law, and submit themselves to each other. The idea that “romance” and “chemistry” have to be present for a relationship to “work out” is cheap modern nonsense.

I agree that “chemistry” is not what makes a marriage. In most successful marriages it fades, and leads the way to greater maturity.
A greater love and maturity that my ex and I didn’t have. A submission to God and each other that we didn’t have.
Yet we both love my daughter, and provide a great life for her.

And as I said before, if a couple is not ready for marriage, they certainly are not ready for parenthood.

But I wasn’t ready for marriage, and was ready for parenthood by the time my daughter was born. Many months of looking forward to being a dad will do that.

I was not ready for marriage. I was ready to be a parent.

 

[DustinM]

At the risk of going off topic, do you have a special ability to see alternate futures? You do not know that marriage of her parents would have made your daughter’s life worse. You can see the path you chose. I am glad your daughter is happy. That does not mean that her life would be worse. She is so young, you have many years to watch her life. I pray she is not impacted by not having an intact family.

I have the ability to see my daughter happy and well cared for in this reality. I have the ability to see that my ex and I were awful for each other, and us staying together would have made all three of us miserable. We had a lot of problems with our relationship, and that’s probably why she broke up with me less than 24 hours before she gave birth to our daughter.
I don’t need a crystal ball to know my relationship with my ex was a failure.

Even the US Constitution does not guarantee any of us happiness - it guarantees that we can persue happiness.

Because granting happiness is impossible. If the Constitution could grant it magically, I’m sure it would.

The Christian life is a life of self sacrifice. There are happy times and sad times. Marriage is the same way. Being happy is not more important than your child’s spiritual and emotional well being.

I firmly believe that happiness is a key to my child’s spiritual and emotional well being.

I feel close to God because He makes me feel happy, and at times amazing. Imagine if every time you tried to get close to God, it made you feel incredibly unhappy.

The Catechism gives a good high level idea of Christian marriage.

1601 “The matrimonial covenant, by which a man and a woman establish between themselves a partnership of the whole of life, is by its nature ordered toward the good of the spouses and the procreation and education of offspring; this covenant between baptized persons has been raised by Christ the Lord to the dignity of a sacrament.”

Link here to read the rest of this section
scborromeo.org/ccc/p2s2c3a7.htm#1601

What does that have to do with my situation? Marriage didn’t happen. My situation is not ideal. But it’s made this way, not by my direct choice, but by the fact that my relationship with my ex-girl didn’t work out.

Again, that is a helluva crystal ball you have there! You are positive that no one who does not have a college degree can make a decent living?

Can you tell me, what college did Bill Gates graduate from?

Last year, I made a good amount more than what you are making. I was homeschooled through high school and dropped out of college.

All statistics show that a college degree increases income. Outliers are fine, but it doesn’t change the overall trends.
Do I know for sure that’d I’d make less money without a degree? No, but I have a very high degree of certainty.
The fact that I don’t know what I’d be doing right now if I didn’t go to college is one reason I’m glad I went.
Good job (with loads of room for growth) > uncertainty.

More important, money does NOT make a person happy. The most miserable people I know are wealthy. The happiest are poor.

Prove it. All studies I’ve seen show that as you go from poor to middle class, happiness increases. (From middle class to rich it does not.)
The stress of worrying about money decrease the quality of life. This is not rocket science.

My degree helps me be a better provider for my daughter.

God set up the family as the ideal. Marriage is the way God designed for children to be brought up in this world. God also designed people to save sex for marriage. Just because someone has sex outside of marriage does not make marriage less important to a family.

God is also helping me raise my daughter as is. Life isn’t always ideal and perfect, but my situation is working out excellent, and I don’t regret it.

 

[DustinM]

The basic message I am getting here, is that I needed to either

1. Marry my ex
2. Give my daughter away and not be with her

Any other options are not right with God somehow (despite what I feel my callings were). I don’t think I’ll be able to convince you people otherwise, but my experiences and my heart tell me otherwise.

Sometimes a not so ideal situation turns out to be the best option; or, since I don’t have a crystal ball, maybe I should word it: Sometimes a not so ideal situation turns out excellent, leading to an absence of regret.
I think a major cause of this is the fact that I never take my daughter for granted the way some parents seem to.

And for the record, I’m a believer that happiness leads to God (and going to God leads to happiness). Making my daughter happy is part of how I commune with God.
So I’m not a big fan of people trying to separate the two, or placing less importance on happiness.

My ex-girl broke up with me. And adoption would have been her decision (though I would have fought it, had she opted for it). So when my daughter was born, both options mentioned above were literally outside of my power.
I had intentions to marry her even before she became pregnant…though I was blinded to the problems of our relationship.
After she split with me, and my feelings for her started to fade, I was able to see how our relationship was without the deluded eyes of “chemical love.” I saw that we were not right for each other, but that we could both be good parents separate, and still make my daughter’s life shine!
In other words: We were not ready to be together, as our love was immature “fake” love; but we were reading to be parents by this time. (If you think otherwise, then you are indirectly calling me a bad parent.)
So two years after we broke up (about three years ago from now), she mentioned us getting back together (which both of our parents would have fought tooth and nail to prevent). I said no. By this time I agreed with her initial decision to split. (And I could tell she mostly just wanted “a boyfriend” period.)
The chances of us breaking up again were very high…protecting my daughter from this was actually a major factor in me saying no. (I was putting my daughter first, over the exciting idea of reuniting.)

This thread is starting to be very time-consuming, and I don’t see any agreement in sight. I very well may be done here.

 

[tapiocapudding]

As for a child being more precious than an education: Again, very narrow minded. Without my college degree, I’d be making less than 30,000 USD a year. With my degree, I’m making 5X,000 USD a year…that directly impacts my daughter’s quality of life. As I studied hard, I thought of my daughter, and how it was worth it for her. (I also spent as much time with her as I could, which was a lot once I was granted overnights.)

I don’t know your family or your daughter so I have no place to say that things didn’t work out optimally for her in your situation. It may very well be that you made the best choice in light of your circumstance. However you seem to imply here that no family can be happy or stable on a low income. My DH and I make less than $30k a year with both our incomes combined. I don’t think we are any worse parents for it. Our son is loved and all his needs are met on our modest income. We are very happy.