Need for space and time

[Searchofhope]

Hi everybody,

I would like to ask about how much time and space men actually need from their spouses, or in my case, girlfriends, also the justification for waiting a long time before marriage.
One of the issues is, that my boyfriend regularly says he needs time alone, meaning he would not mind not talking to me for a few days, including any communication, also he won’t ask how I am, during these days. By regular I mean two things, one of them is, he goes on holiday without me, and during that time he says he needs time alone to think and avoids regular contact with me. The second is, when we have fights over issues, he uses that time to withdraw for days, like a week, and then he tells me he needs time alone.
I would like to know if these are normal in any personality type or for any reason after a 5 year relationship.

The second issue is, he gives different reasons for our relationship not to improve at all, we are at the same point for years. Not even engaged, he doesn’t give me any time when we can surely go on for engagement or when we can become serious with each other.
He blames it on finances, he says he wouldn’t like to get married until he is financially established. The truth is, he is not in great danger with finances, actually, if we both work, we could easily rent and apartment after being married, but he says he doesn’t have as much money saved as he would like, to be safe he can take care of me long term and maybe a baby too, and so he delays any responsibility taken for this relationship.

I have tried to end it a few times but couldn’t manage as we are very close to each other on friendly terms. As we are both believers, our relationship obviously means only deep friendship and a lot if time spent together, except for the times when he says he needs a break. During these break times, he will avoid me and other people, but not his family members.

I have been very confused for a long time concerning his behaviour, and I don’t know if the problem is with me or not. I wouldn’t mind at all giving him space and time, even if I don’t like to give it, but not talking for days at all, even for a short period of time a day, is unacceptable for me and cannot find justification for that.

As I’m a sensitive person, I also can’t deal with not asking a person I love for about 3-4 or more days how they are and to talk them at least a bit daily. If all men are like this, I don’t think I can ever feel like getting married and prefer living alone as I can’t bear such ignorance.

Thank you in advance for your help.
God bless you all.

 

[hesso12]

Hi it is important that we first understand ourselves and our spouse
We are all sinners but here is the Vatican report on sins by gender

Top Sins for Men

1. 
   *]Lust
   *]Gluttony
   *]Sloth
   *]Anger
   *]Pride
   *]Envy
   *]Avarice
   
   Top Sins for Women
   
   1. 
      *]Pride
      *]Envy
      *]Anger
      *]Gluttony
      *]Avarice
      *]Lust
      *]Sloth
      
      Confession
      
      In addition, the report found that 30% of Catholics no longer considered confession to a priest necessary, and 10 per cent even said that it “impeded their personal dialogue with God”.

 

[1ke]

You want different things and you need different levels of communication and intimacy.

You’ve put five years into this and it isn’t fulfilling to you and it’s not going anywhere. I suggest you find someone with whom you are more compatible and more on the same page regarding marriage and family.

Move on.

 

[Xantippe]

You want different things and you need different levels of communication and intimacy.

You’ve put five years into this and it isn’t fulfilling to you and it’s not going anywhere. I suggest you find someone with whom you are more compatible and more on the same page regarding marriage and family.

Move on.

Yes.

 

[AnnArbor]

Hi it is important that we first understand ourselves and our spouse
We are all sinners but here is the Vatican report on sins by gender

Top Sins for Men

1. 
   *]Lust
   *]Gluttony
   *]Sloth
   *]Anger
   *]Pride
   *]Envy
   *]Avarice
   
   Top Sins for Women
   
   1. 
      *]Pride
      *]Envy
      *]Anger
      *]Gluttony
      *]Avarice
      *]Lust
      *]Sloth
      
      Confession
      
      In addition, the report found that 30% of Catholics no longer considered confession to a priest necessary, and 10 per cent even said that it “impeded their personal dialogue with God”.

1. 1. 
      How does this answer the question?

 

[hesso12]

How does this answer the question?

I just started it of so others may answer like you.

 

[Searchofhope]

Hi it is important that we first understand ourselves and our spouse
We are all sinners but here is the Vatican report on sins by gender

Top Sins for Men

1. 
   *]Lust
   *]Gluttony
   *]Sloth
   *]Anger
   *]Pride
   *]Envy
   *]Avarice
   
   Top Sins for Women
   
   1. 
      *]Pride
      *]Envy
      *]Anger
      *]Gluttony
      *]Avarice
      *]Lust
      *]Sloth
      
      Confession
      
      In addition, the report found that 30% of Catholics no longer considered confession to a priest necessary, and 10 per cent even said that it “impeded their personal dialogue with God”.

1. 1. 
      I don’t really understand also what you wanted to say with this. I think specific answers would help me to those questions if you could do that.

 

[Searchofhope]

You want different things and you need different levels of communication and intimacy.

You’ve put five years into this and it isn’t fulfilling to you and it’s not going anywhere. I suggest you find someone with whom you are more compatible and more on the same page regarding marriage and family.

Move on.

Thank you for answering. The problem is that I don’t really believe anymore that men like that exist at all. All men search excuses to ignore their spouses and I have been dealing with games for so long that I don’t feel I have the patience anymore.
I always just bump into the same wall, I try to force myself to accept that level of companionship men want, but Im not able to and then fights follow.
I don’t have strength anymore to get into more fights.

I would like to add that Im a difficult case too. I like men who challenge me mentally, I cannot do anything with those who are dull, Im not judging, they are just not for me. Also, I try to be vegan, liking animals a lot, many men run away from that. I’m a hardcore believer, meaning I complain about anything that is against God, I have many sins of course, but I also point it out in others, they dont like that too, and I dont know men who want to be believers like that. I expect total loyalty and no secrets, maybe that is a problem too. So, I dont think I have many chances. I know of course, that everything is possible for God, but too hurt so far to still believe in real love and commitment.

 

[Bonnie]

Move on.

Yes - you two aren’t even remotely on the same page.

 

[Bonnie]

I’m a hardcore believer, meaning I complain about anything that is against God, I have many sins of course, but I also point it out in others, they dont like that too, and I dont know men who want to be believers like that.

Just from this brief description you give of yourself, I wouldn’t want to know you either. The men who are just like you are probably avoiding you because they are as repelled by your sins as you are by theirs.

 

[KLM789]

I feel like this is Dear Abby but in any case:
Ask yourself what you are doing in relation with him right before those times he needs to go off by himself? Have you been driving him nutz? or, does he sort of just do this running away thing? Could he possibly be gone enough to have another relationship going? Do you ever spend holidays with his family? If never, do you even know his relatives? Can you call them? Why not? Why don’t they ask you if you’re coming on those occasions he goes without you? I think you’re not telling us everything. Just like he’s not telling you everything.
Maybe you both should go to a partner’s counselor, or you yourself could go to explore what you really want – do you really want this relationship to be the one that grows towards marriage and if so, why. And why doesn’t he since it seems clear he doesn’t. And it seems that whatever he gets from you when he’s back he’s satisfied with as is. Or – Someone said once the holes on one head can match the rocks in the other. Is this the case? Ask yourself, in this regard, if you’ve both created some kind of ongoing situation that becomes so intolerable that he chooses to leave perhaps to have relief from it.

And what about you? Why don’t you take a break? Or do you? Its hard to answer this question you ask without some of these answers, but I still think a counselor is the best one to talk to, not us strangers.

It is, in my opinion, however, very normal for people in relationships to need time away from their special person. However, in my opinion, the general location where the person is going and for about how long, should be shared. I think also, with affections clear, its okay to not be in communication, too. As long as in an emergency someone could get a text or whatever.

 

[tawny]

You want different things and you need different levels of communication and intimacy.

You’ve put five years into this and it isn’t fulfilling to you and it’s not going anywhere. I suggest you find someone with whom you are more compatible and more on the same page regarding marriage and family.

Move on.

Exactly.

 

[Searchofhope]

Just from this brief description you give of yourself, I wouldn’t want to know you either. The men who are just like you are probably avoiding you because they are as repelled by your sins as you are by theirs.

I’m sorry but you are wrong. I experiences all kinds of abuse, emotional and physical, ignorance and many others by men, disloyalty, lies and so on. And no, I did not give these to anybody ever. I was completely honest and loyal and understanding. Maybe where you live men are not like this, but my place is different then.
I expect only what I easily give, honesty, loyalty and commitment, and no, anyhow you try to degrade me without knowing me and without asking more questions, its not my fault and Im not like what you imply I am. Anyway, after this answer of yours, the feeling of not wanting to know more of you, is mutual.
Thanks and God bless.

 

[Searchofhope]

I feel like this is Dear Abby but in any case:
Ask yourself what you are doing in relation with him right before those times he needs to go off by himself? Have you been driving him nutz? or, does he sort of just do this running away thing? Could he possibly be gone enough to have another relationship going? Do you ever spend holidays with his family? If never, do you even know his relatives? Can you call them? Why not? Why don’t they ask you if you’re coming on those occasions he goes without you? I think you’re not telling us everything. Just like he’s not telling you everything.
Maybe you both should go to a partner’s counselor, or you yourself could go to explore what you really want – do you really want this relationship to be the one that grows towards marriage and if so, why. And why doesn’t he since it seems clear he doesn’t. And it seems that whatever he gets from you when he’s back he’s satisfied with as is. Or – Someone said once the holes on one head can match the rocks in the other. Is this the case? Ask yourself, in this regard, if you’ve both created some kind of ongoing situation that becomes so intolerable that he chooses to leave perhaps to have relief from it.

And what about you? Why don’t you take a break? Or do you? Its hard to answer this question you ask without some of these answers, but I still think a counselor is the best one to talk to, not us strangers.

It is, in my opinion, however, very normal for people in relationships to need time away from their special person. However, in my opinion, the general location where the person is going and for about how long, should be shared. I think also, with affections clear, its okay to not be in communication, too. As long as in an emergency someone could get a text or whatever.

Thank you for the answer. I have no idea what Dear Abby means. And I already talked to a counsellor who helped nothing so that is why I came here as I thought people are here to talk and try to help each other. If not for talking to strangers, then why does this page exist at all? I’m not telling you everything? I wouldn’t be surprised by that, as it’s quite difficult to depict a whole situation in one short introductory message.
Thank you for your questions, but anyway as you immediately sent me to a counsellor without having patience to wait for the answers, then let is be. God bless you all and thanks for support.

 

[Searchofhope]

Exactly.

Thank you for your answer. I think you are right and I will try doing it now and look only forward and not back. God bless you.

 

[Searchofhope]

Yes.

Thank you for the answer. God bless you.

 

[Anglewannabe]

One of the issues is, that my boyfriend regularly says he needs time alone, meaning he would not mind not talking to me for a few days, including any communication, also he won’t ask how I am, during these days. .

If your boyfriend is an introvert like me, we go CRAZY when we don’t get our space. The more you don’t get our space the more we crave it and the only option left is to set strict rules like ‘no talking for 72 hours’. When someone starts to respect our need for space, we are then more free to relax the rules

he goes on holiday without me,

Practicing Catholics don’t go on vacation together until they are married so no issues there

The second is, when we have fights over issues, he uses that time to withdraw for days, like a week, and then he tells me he needs time alone.

Sounds like he has communication issues. It is up to you to decided if you are willing to live with a spouse like that or move on

The second issue is, he gives different reasons for our relationship not to improve at all, we are at the same point for years.

It’s been 5 years. Most men know after 6 months whether or not they want to marry a particular woman (that is my firm belief). He KNOWS you are not the one. He simply just wants the convenience of a relationship.

I have tried to end it a few times but couldn’t manage as we are very close to each other on friendly terms.

Time to pray for strength, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. And by the way, if the reason you are still with him is because you are too weak to end it, that is no reason to be mad at him.

As I’m a sensitive person, I also can’t deal with not asking a person I love for about 3-4 or more days how they are and to talk them at least a bit daily. If all men are like this, I don’t think I can ever feel like getting married and prefer living alone as I can’t bear such ignorance.

.

I seriously doubt all men are like this. However, take it from a 45 year old woman who has never been married. Being single for the rest of you life is quite an acceptable option

 

[Lou2U]

I agree with 1ke.

I just wanted to address this:

Thank you for answering. The problem is that I don’t really believe anymore that men like that exist at all. All men search excuses to ignore their spouses and I have been dealing with games for so long that I don’t feel I have the patience anymore.
I always just bump into the same wall, I try to force myself to accept that level of companionship men want, but Im not able to and then fights follow.
I don’t have strength anymore to get into more fights.

To me, this sounds like you have never met the right man for you. Not all men ignore their spouses, and I’m sorry if you’ve had a negative experience with being ignored. Again, it sounds like you’ve only being dating men who you aren’t very compatible with.

I would like to add that Im a difficult case too. I like men who challenge me mentally, I cannot do anything with those who are dull, Im not judging, they are just not for me. Also, I try to be vegan, liking animals a lot, many men run away from that. I’m a hardcore believer, meaning I complain about anything that is against God, I have many sins of course, but I also point it out in others, they dont like that too, and I dont know men who want to be believers like that. I expect total loyalty and no secrets, maybe that is a problem too. So, I dont think I have many chances. I know of course, that everything is possible for God, but too hurt so far to still believe in real love and commitment.

I’d say from this that you want an intellectually stimulating man who is Catholic and respects your choice to be vegan. Loyalty and no secrets? I would expect to have this in a relationship, and I’m sorry you’ve been hurt so many times.

I think that you should end your relationship, take time out from dating to be yourself, and find things that make you happy. I know you said that you tried counselling which didn’t help you, but I would encourage you to give it another shot, so you can heal from your previous experiences.

Lou

 

[Searchofhope]

If your boyfriend is an introvert like me, we go CRAZY when we don’t get our space. The more you don’t get our space the more we crave it and the only option left is to set strict rules like ‘no talking for 72 hours’. When someone starts to respect our need for space, we are then more free to relax the rules

Practicing Catholics don’t go on vacation together until they are married so no issues there

Sounds like he has communication issues. It is up to you to decided if you are willing to live with a spouse like that or move on

It’s been 5 years. Most men know after 6 months whether or not they want to marry a particular woman (that is my firm belief). He KNOWS you are not the one. He simply just wants the convenience of a relationship.

Time to pray for strength, the longer you wait, the harder it will be. And by the way, if the reason you are still with him is because you are too weak to end it, that is no reason to be mad at him.

I seriously doubt all men are like this. However, take it from a 45 year old woman who has never been married. Being single for the rest of you life is quite an acceptable option

Thank you very much for your message, it’s very confirming and soothing. I’m very introverted, so I know what you are talking about but I did not expect him to talk for long, just to be reliable, like telling me a time during the day when he talks with me for a few minutes. He doesnt want to give even times, even that kind of commitment, the timing for a talk short is difficult for him.
Yes, I’m practising and a believer, my issue is not the holiday, of course, but the lack of commitment and anything serious after years. I think you are right, many times I tell myself the same thing, that after a maximum of 1 year, any man who is serious about a woman would move on and do something. I know I’m not the one for him, just my heart hasn’t been able to accept that. I tried to wait for long, hoping that I’m wrong, and everybody around me, including family members and my best friend, disapproves this relationship, so I know you are right. Yes, most probably its comfortable for this this way, and probably he doesnt want to get married to anybody yet, so meanwhile I’m good company.
I also thought of being single, remaining one, as by now I feel disgusted by any issues with men because of the so much bad experience. I will consider this option or try to find simply the will of God in my life. I am more and more stressed as this relationship is going on, and I feel like I’m losing myself to play the fool and keep him in my life, and that is terrifying. I have to end it and I will try my best to do it, so I can regain my self respect and my strength to live fully.
Thank you again, your message was of great help. God bless you.

 

[Bonnie]

I’m sorry but you are wrong.

I’m just going by what you said about yourself:

I have many sins of course, but I also point it out in others, they dont like that too, and I dont know men who want to be believers like that.

Pointing out the sins of others is not a nice habit. I run from people who do that. So do many others.