Need grace to avoid strangling my mom

[EsclavoDeCristo]

Don’t get me wrong–I miss mine terribly, and if my wife consented, I’d probably move us out west despite the financial or career costs that move would incur.

However, my mom also makes me want to pull my remaining hair out. It’s a paradox. Or I’m a sadist, I guess…

I totally feel you. My mom has quite the grating personality at times too. God bless our dear ole’ moms and God bless you. I can relate with the struggles of being married and far from family.

 

[dulcissima]

At least you are a guy and don’t have to live in mortal fear of turning into your mom.

 

[montanaman]

At least you are a guy and don’t have to live in mortal fear of turning into your mom.

I wouldn’t rule it totally out. We share a lot of less than flattering personality traits.

 

[drafdog]

We don’t marry just our partner. We marry the whole famn damily! And sometimes it just plain sucks. There are other times, like moving furniture with dad, that are golden. Share the good times and set aside the bad times. Try not to lose sleep over it when Mom acts just like Mom always has. Remember that they are guests and you should plan around them. I just got back from visiting my brother and sister-in-law three time zones over. They didn’t push to get us on their schedule and we had a great time.

Matthew

 

[Lovemyfaith]

My sister and her family live in Washington State and come to visit the family on the east coast once a year.Must be something in the water out there, they can drive us crazy too. The good thing for me is they stay at my house because I have the room and am probably the only one who wouldn’t throw them out mid vacation. I therefore spend more time with them, and get to be in on their daily plans. They pretty much do what they want, because it is their vacation, so I can’t blame them for not spending every second with family and friends. I get my calendar down the first day and try to write in things I think might be nice to do with them, but even then, their plans can change and I have to just go with it. My sisters and brothers tend to be very hurt, but again, I feel like it is their vacation and I have to take them as they are. It’s a lot of work, we think we are bending for them, they think they are bending for us.

 

[leonie]

at a certain point, you reach a level of detachment in which the craziness of your family just doesn’t really bother you anymore.

The sooner you get to that level, the better.

I used to watch my peaceful SIL who didn’t seem fazed at all by our MIL’s dramatics with amazement. Now, I’m in the same zen state.

I’m not sure if it’s an age thing–I think I hit it about at age 33 or so. Or, it’s an event thing. A certain event tips you over into it.

But, it’s a nice place to be. :heaven:

 

[puzzleannie]

your mother is not going to change
the only person who can change is you
you can spend a lifetime building up resentment against her
or you can accept how she is, go on with your life on your schedule and your terms, welcome graciously her when she does join you, and when you kids ask
where is grandma?
just say
she couldn’t be here today.

if you continue building up resentment it literally kill you, it eats at your insides spiritually and physically
pray every day for forgiveness for anything you ever (real or imaginary) did to hurt your parents, and to forgive them for any way they have ever hurt you.

your choice, live in anger and bitterness, or just live.

believe me I have a graduate degree in living with eccentric family members.

I still cling to something we heard in a sermon while on the road (to visit our grandkids, where we fought to find 5 minutes to fit into their lives, since everyone was so busy with their day to day stuff).

the priest said, to older parents, your kids should be fighting to get into your life, not the other way around.

by the way, this post has made me realize we are going to be welcoming our own crazy Washington relatives at a family reunion this summer (first time they have ever been back in 30 years except for funerals, FIL used to say, if that son ever shows up he will know to expect the angel of death five minutes later).

now the next question would be why would such a crazy family want to reune and get all these nuts together in the same place. Locale will be Columbus (home of James Thurber, humorist who specialized in wacky family stories).

 

[kyrie80]

The next day, yesterday, I expected them to stop by my office so I could show them around. Their hotel is FOUR BLOCKS AWAY. I thought, well, if she can’t get up before noon, maybe we could have lunch together. Nope. Too much hassle.

At the very least, I expected she’d want to see her grandson during the day. Nope. Had to go see the National Gallery of Art. I understand–she’s an artist–but hey, priorities, right? We ended up seeing them at dinner last night (Dad graciously took us to a high-end steak restaurant I’d otherwise never WALK past), but if you spend hundreds of thousands of air miles to cross the country to see your grandchild and, theoretically, your son and his wife, you’d want to spend time with them, right?

Dad put the hammer down on that idea right away. He said “No, it’ll have to be one or the other.” Now, don’t get him wrong–this guy walks about five miles every morning before the sun even gets its lazy butt up. He was just saying that after 30+ years of marriage to her, he knows that Laws of the Universe will have to be broken to get Mom up in time.

[/rant]

Just an observation: It doesn’t seem like they miss you that much. So, I wouldn’t feel guilty (if you do) about living your own life in NOVA. Cling to your wife as the good book says. Unless you don’t like being around her family. That’s another issue altogether. Good luck with everything.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Thank you for this entirely entertaining thread.

You write really well – have you considered going for a short story being published? Something along the same lines of momma-drama with a lemon-twist of humor at about 34 degrees F would do it. Seriously – I am so entertained by you and your writing style.

I can’t offer you a thing on your mom-- mine’s nuts too - and drives me nuts!

 

[KCtheMommy]

At least you are a guy and don’t have to live in mortal fear of turning into your mom.

Amen Sistah!

 

[Island_Oak]

The last time I visited them, mom took forever to get ready for something. Dad was as calm as a Hindu cow. I asked him how he did it.

“I have a ridiculously strong heart,” he said. “If I didn’t, I would have blown a gasket 30 years ago.”

He reminded me of that when he called just a bit ago to say they were on their way. “Don’t gripe,” he said when I picked up the phone, “I’ve been dealing with this for 30 years…”
…

At the very least you spin a great rant!

It’s more than a little unsettling how similar your parental drama mirrors my own. My mother can be the most self-absorbed person at times and my dad is the one patiently waiting, accommodating her moods, delays, ect. as well as smoothing over family conflicts arising therefrom. I used to marvel at his patience~now I tend to think his behaviour is almost as twisted as hers is to allow someone to treat you like such a doormat for so long.

As many have already noted…she will NOT change. Do not waste another moment hoping, expecting, analyzing, wondering about it. Move forward, make your plans and keep them–with or without her. She IS missing out~but is more concerned with being in control than experiencing whatever outing you may have planned.

And for your own as well as your family’s sanity, NEVER move within close proximity of this woman. (I do live in WA state and have parents 1800 miles away) You will all be well served to keep your visits to the respectable minimum of 2-3 times year. Anything more will just make you either crazy, angry, resentful or all of the above.

 

[AHapka]

My wife is adamant about never leaving NOVA

Submit to your wife in this matter. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is working through her to convince you

Anyway, if your mom chooses not to get up before noon, do your family activities and let her know where and when she can join you. It’s her choice.

I would suggest that if there is another such outburst at a restaurant you simply say “I am not going to listen to this, and I will leave if this continues.” Then just leave if need be. By sitting there and taking it, you are letting her have control of the situation.

 

[montanaman]

Just an observation: It doesn’t seem like they miss you that much. So, I wouldn’t feel guilty (if you do) about living your own life in NOVA. Cling to your wife as the good book says. Unless you don’t like being around her family. That’s another issue altogether. Good luck with everything.

Yeah, that’s another story. My wife’s parents (who are local) totally disassociated with her when she converted and married me. I’m sure I’ve written about it around here, probably several times. So, we’re essentially parent-less. Come to think of it, a lot of people wish for this very thing!

As for cousins or extended family to play with, yesterday we discovered that our son is utterly fascinated by helium balloons. That should suffice for now.

 

[montanaman]

Thank you for this entirely entertaining thread.

You write really well – have you considered going for a short story being published? Something along the same lines of momma-drama with a lemon-twist of humor at about 34 degrees F would do it. Seriously – I am so entertained by you and your writing style.

I can’t offer you a thing on your mom-- mine’s nuts too - and drives me nuts!

Thanks. I get that a lot, although I don’t know why. My vocabulary probably contains 40 or 50 words, total, and most of them are best used in bathroom jokes. I mostly push words around until they make sense to me, but then, I’ve been told I have A.D.D., so–ooh! A shiny penny!

Anyway, I just participated in the Catholic Writers Conference Online and was re-inspired to start writing again, and this time with purpose and goals. I’d better get on that soon, though. I think I’m on the verge of getting canned from yet another job. Heh. Unemployability–one of the three signs of literary aptitude!

 

[montanaman]

At the very least you spin a great rant!

It’s more than a little unsettling how similar your parental drama mirrors my own. My mother can be the most self-absorbed person at times and my dad is the one patiently waiting, accommodating her moods, delays, ect. as well as smoothing over family conflicts arising therefrom. I used to marvel at his patience~now I tend to think his behaviour is almost as twisted as hers is to allow someone to treat you like such a doormat for so long.

As many have already noted…she will NOT change. Do not waste another moment hoping, expecting, analyzing, wondering about it. Move forward, make your plans and keep them–with or without her. She IS missing out~but is more concerned with being in control than experiencing whatever outing you may have planned.

And for your own as well as your family’s sanity, NEVER move within close proximity of this woman. (I do live in WA state and have parents 1800 miles away) You will all be well served to keep your visits to the respectable minimum of 2-3 times year. Anything more will just make you either crazy, angry, resentful or all of the above.

Are you my sister? Heh.

Yeah, I’ve followed your stories here. And everyone else’s, which is why this seemed like a good place to blow of steam.

You’re right–I shouldn’t waste one more minute worrying about it. For the most part that’s not a problem because I’m too busy to, with the exception of my morning and evening commute.

Then again, we bought two tickets to the tune of $1,000 a few months ago in anticipation of a 4th of July week with the family out there. We’re committed, and that’s just a few weeks away. In the lead-up to the trip, we’re going to be making strategies to avoid confrontation, but after five days in her house, that’s going to be a hell of a fete.

I AM thankful for their recent visit, though. There was lots of good in it (and some drama I didn’t mention). Perhaps most importantly, after my wife and mom got to spend some real quality time together, I now no longer have to worry about capitalizing on small flashes of hope that my wife will change her mind about moving out west. That’s so far off the table now that we both realized there’s no point in even talking about it. In a way, that’s a huge load off my mind, and I can now concentrate on making this urban life as safe and educational as possible for my family.

 

[Just_wondering]

Yeah, that’s another story. My wife’s parents (who are local) totally disassociated with her when she converted and married me. I’m sure I’ve written about it around here, probably several times. So, we’re essentially parent-less. Come to think of it, a lot of people wish for this very thing!

As for cousins or extended family to play with, yesterday we discovered that our son is utterly fascinated by helium balloons. That should suffice for now.

I’m sure your son will do fine. The benefits of exposing your son to insane relatives are exaggerated anyway.

 

[montanaman]

Submit to your wife in this matter. Perhaps the Holy Spirit is working through her to convince you

Anyway, if your mom chooses not to get up before noon, do your family activities and let her know where and when she can join you. It’s her choice.

I would suggest that if there is another such outburst at a restaurant you simply say “I am not going to listen to this, and I will leave if this continues.” Then just leave if need be. By sitting there and taking it, you are letting her have control of the situation.

Re: the restaurant situation(s), I mostly didn’t want to leave my dad holding the bag. Granted, he has plenty of experience, but still. For example, after our boat-ride wedding reception, I was walking my new bride to the “limo,” (i.e. my pick-up truck with a rainbow lei air freshener I got from 7/Eleven hanging from the rearview mirror to class it up), and dad passed us in a near-frantic state.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I can’t find your mom.”

This concerned me because she had gotten loaded on the boat (probably on two glasses of wine) and I was worried that she’d fallen off the dock.

“Do you need help looking for her,” I asked as my wife’s eyes got as big as saucers. Danger, Montanaman…danger…

“No,” he said, “Just get out of here.”

I obeyed my father, but I still felt bad for abandoning him in his time of need.

 

[BamaRider]

And what did your wife say about your mother’s visit?

I know a little about the pace of life in NOVA (in laws in Lorton) school, soccer practice, Church, the daily commute into the Beltway, y’all might as well be on different planets than your folks.

But sleeping till noon everyday is just plain sad, the day is half gone before she gets up! I think about all the life she has missed. Are ya sure she is not depressed?

 

[montanaman]

And what did your wife say about your mother’s visit?

I know a little about the pace of life in NOVA (in laws in Lorton) school, soccer practice, Church, the daily commute into the Beltway, y’all might as well be on different planets than your folks.

But sleeping till noon everyday is just plain sad, the day is half gone before she gets up! I think about all the life she has missed. Are ya sure she is not depressed?

I’m positive she’s depressed, and I know she’s on medication for it. We’re very much alike, though, and I know that a lot of the depression comes from very bad mental habits. I spent most of my life in a deep funk, and it threatens to overtake me again every day, but not so long ago I realized that if I could just delete 75 percent of the b.s. I told myself every minute of every day, I’d be a lot happier. That, and my depression was the result of a lot of moral anarchy. Having taken care of that, while I’m no ray of sunshine, I’m happier than I’ve ever been in my life. Mom, however, is addicted to her pain, I think, and I don’t know what it’s going to take for her to snap out of it.

Obviously there’s a lot more going on here than I can (or should) divulge. Suffice it to say that sometimes we’re our own worst enemies.

 

[montanaman]

I know a little about the pace of life in NOVA (in laws in Lorton) school, soccer practice, Church, the daily commute into the Beltway, y’all might as well be on different planets than your folks.

Oh, and yeah. I guess that’s more true than not, but I have a hard time finding objective measures of significant difference. I’m inclined to agree with my mom’s argument–people are people wherever you go. But my wife has a good point, too–on average, you probably find more aggressive, ambitious, driven people here in NOVA. It IS one of the wealthiest areas of the country, after all.

But is there a qualitative difference? Yeesh. I hope not. I don’t want to get into a pointless game of “Which place in the country has the best people?” If that’s the game, I’ll go with Norman McLean’s observation in “A River Runs Through It:” “The world is full of bastards, the number increasing the farther you get from Missoula, Montana.” (No offense to people in China, who have my deepest sympathies in this time of dire need).

However, I’m in a bit of a bind because after having spent about seven years now in some form of political/non-profit/or journalistic pursuit, I’m finding unexpected and unprecedented levels of personal satisfaction in building a small moving company. I tell you, building this business from scratch, and even hefting people’s soiled mattresses and rickety IKEA furniture, is far more fulfilling than any press release or proposal I’ve ever written. So yeah, there may be millions of hard-core white collar warriors in the area, but I’m very happy just driving a truck. Kind of defeats my purpose for being here, but you play the hand you’re dealt, I guess…