K
Kindness
Guest
Pepin1980 my prayers are with you. Something that I think so many of us struggle with is to believe that there are people out there who really operate this way. We just find it so hard to comprehend, maybe it’s denial and we want to see the best in others and find it hard to fathom when the response is always abusive despite our best intentions.
This couple had enough problems of one kind or another to hand-off the parenting of your husband to other people. Think about this again. Think where you would have to be mentally to actively choose not to parent your own child. I don’t think you will be able to comprehend this couple or make any sense of their behavior because by healthy standards their behavior is not life-giving and loving. Therefore you and your husbands priorities are the well-being of your immediate family: yourselves and your children. Do whatever is necessary to create a healthy and peaceful environment for your marriage and family. Talking to a neutral third party such as a Catholic counsellor with your husband could help you both. The PIL do not seem capable of seeing or responding to other people’s needs. Even their relationship with their second child seems more about fulfilling some kind of need they have. After a number of go-arounds it is clear that you cannot expect the normal give and take of an interdependent family relationship with your PIL. It is heartbreaking but for your own health and sanity accept that you and your husband may be the responsible adults and his PIL do not have the capabilities. Just because they are older does not mean they are more mature or wiser.
Pray and use your God-given wisdom to do what you need to do to be safe emotionally. You can still be respectful but from a distance. Honoring parents does not equal accepting abuse from them. God bless you, your husband and children.
This couple had enough problems of one kind or another to hand-off the parenting of your husband to other people. Think about this again. Think where you would have to be mentally to actively choose not to parent your own child. I don’t think you will be able to comprehend this couple or make any sense of their behavior because by healthy standards their behavior is not life-giving and loving. Therefore you and your husbands priorities are the well-being of your immediate family: yourselves and your children. Do whatever is necessary to create a healthy and peaceful environment for your marriage and family. Talking to a neutral third party such as a Catholic counsellor with your husband could help you both. The PIL do not seem capable of seeing or responding to other people’s needs. Even their relationship with their second child seems more about fulfilling some kind of need they have. After a number of go-arounds it is clear that you cannot expect the normal give and take of an interdependent family relationship with your PIL. It is heartbreaking but for your own health and sanity accept that you and your husband may be the responsible adults and his PIL do not have the capabilities. Just because they are older does not mean they are more mature or wiser.
Pray and use your God-given wisdom to do what you need to do to be safe emotionally. You can still be respectful but from a distance. Honoring parents does not equal accepting abuse from them. God bless you, your husband and children.
. The problem is that I’m sure that they will not be accepted very well. E.g., I’ve tried the “what my kids wear is my responsibility” (though not that well put, I must admit), but all it did was to anger MIL even more… On this occasion, something funny: on their visit in '08, MIL decides to take DD1 out for and hour or so, so I prepare her and choose her clothes - a skirt and a blouse. MIL decides that, if she is going to take DD out, she has to choose her clothes. So, of course, she starts to argue. I tell her the “what my kids wear is my responsibility” thing, but she’s not happy. She likes the skirt (of course she does, she bought it), but does not approve the blouse. She starts searching among DD’s blouses and t-shirts, and tries one blouse, then another, but nothing looks good with the skirt (which I know, as I know DD’s clothes better that her). She keeps rummaging, leaving everything wrinkled and upside down, and finally finds a blouse that she likes. Content, she says that this will look good with the skirt, and then goes to put it on DD’s bed next to the skirt. And guess what? It was the very same blouse as the one already lying on the bed by the skirt! 
DD had two exact same blouses (bought on sale), and even MIL would have chosen the same blouse - she simply didn’t want to dress her with the clothes I had chosen. I was really sorry that it was just the two of us, but it still makes me laugh sometimes - it helps me see something funny in the whole situation.
And yes, their relationship with BIL is all about making themselves feel like good parents - and they believe that by granting his every wish, they’re doing just that. BIL was not allowed to do a single thing at home! During one of our stays with PIL, when BIL was a teenager and still living with them, the following happened: it was lunch time, so BIL comes out of his room and announces: “I’m hungry”. Both his parents leave all they’re doing, go in the kitchen, MIL serves his meal, FIL makes him a tomato salad - all in BIL’s own special plates and bowls, - and they serve his lunch. BIL comes in the kitchen, sits down, eats, gets up and leaves. PIL go to clean up the table and wash his dishes. 
