Need help & advice

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mega1

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My marriage and issues are long and complicated. But they were improving as of late… But now … Not so much.

We moved to a new state 6 months ago. We leased a very expensive house that ended up being over our budget and we later learned it had mold. The landlord was sick of our complaining and told us to move out. He didn’t want to fix the problem. He have us our security deposit back, but my husband wants to sue him …

Then I found a much cheaper home that we loved. We moved in (it had just been renovated) and it had no hot water… And sewage started leaking from the ceiling. The owner was cheap and didn’t want to fix properly. So I called the city code compliance to force her hand. She found out and locked us out of the house and moved us (with only clothes on our back) to a very very tiny condo. Turns out the city shut down the house. So we had to find a new place to live. Now THAT lady is threatening to sue me for reporting her to the city. Even though the city cited her for the problems. Now my husband is livid. He wants to sue her for large amount of money and had already burned through 6k worth of lawyer fees in. 2 weeks. He keeps calling the lawyer. Sending texts. Etc.

This has been very very difficult. My husband is very angry over everything. He has this tendency to be difficult and negative… But now he’s just off the charts. He is calling his parents for a loan to sue the pants of these people.

I just can’t control him and I am really struggling. I can’t take anymore. All I want is to escape this madness. I want to move back to our old state and just hit reboot. I want this all to go away…

The people in our new city have just been awful and it’s only been 6 months. And I must admit … My husband is a big source of the drama.

What should I do? This is not teaching our child anything good… He is asking about lawsuits etc. and my husband parents are supporting this.
 
Go to the local housing authority for a talk. They will know the laws well enough to know if it is even possible to sue a tenant for reporting a landlord for sub-standard conditions. My guess is that it is not.

Get counseling for yourself. If nothing important is being left out in translation, I have to wonder if your husband’s personality is in working order. (I say this based on the sum of previous threads, and not just this one.)
 
Oh we have an attorney. Husband has already spent thousands. The answer is no they probably don’t have a case, but anyone can sue for anything. So my husband is so angry . About it all … He wants our security deposit back and moving costs … And them some.
He wants to Sue the homeowner and then fight her lawsuit.

It is my opinion if we walk away… We will lose those funds… But she will not sue us …
 
mega1 said:
Oh we have an attorney. Husband has already spent thousands. The answer is no they probably don’t have a case, but anyone can sue for anything. So my husband is so angry . About it all … He wants our security deposit back and moving costs … And them some.
He wants to Sue the homeowner and then fight her lawsuit.

It is my opinion if we walk away… We will lose those funds… But she will not sue us …
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I would call the housing authority, because sometimes they will make moves for the tenant for free, since local governments realize that tenants often lack the resources to bring a lawsuit.

If you have a lawyer, he can outline what you have to lose and what you stand to gain. It may be impossible that this woman could get a dime from you. In that case, you only hazard the attorney’s fees. Those can easily eat up an entire settlement, so that is why I’d go to the housing authority. There may be more economical ways to get what you have coming to you. As for the moving costs, those might boil down to something for small-claims court, but the housing authority may be able to tell you that the landlord is not liable for those (but only, for instance, for belongings ruined by the landlord’s negligence, which may have a high standard of proof).

I know your husband has very little sense when it comes to money, but putting the money concern first and penciling out what you hazard and what you stand to gain and your options for getting there might help.

Still, I think the drain on your heart and wallet is not that landlord. It is your husband. I don’t trust that he is being honest about his motives, to be blunt. I don’t trust him any farther than I could throw a moving van. Learn about how to keep an eye on him and what your options are with him, if you haven’t already.
 
Oh, my heart bleeds for you.
I was married to a man who blew up at everyone all the time. Especially me. I spent most of my adult life walking on eggshells and telling my children not bother daddy.
Was miserable.
Be assured of my prayers. All of the previous posters have given you excellent advice.
Keep in mind that some lawyers will keep you on the line because that’s how they make money. I can only presume that your lawyer has most likely had his or her fill of your husbands constant ranting. You may indeed have to go back and reboot. But I think it might only work if it is HIS idea. That’s the way people like this are. I’m sorry you have had terrible issues with landlords.
I will pray for you. I will not forget.
Peace,
Clare
 
Thank you… I’m grateful.

I’m just scared. It’s very difficult right now. All he wants to do is sue and poke the bear… So to speak. We did NOTHING wrong, but it would be a huge legal fight to prove that. I don’t think at this point that we’d get more than our current legal fees.

The attorney is dragging her feet and I do feel as if she is eating up time. We don’t have money to play with. But my husband insists on a huge lawsuit because in our state the prevailing party has to pay legal fees. But this could be 10s of thousands in fees by the time it gets to court.

Interestingly enough this owner is nuts. Her child is at our son school and she approached him at his school and wanted to know his new address etc. it freaked me out. I called the principal and I wanted to change his school or file a restraining order. The school would be catholic and now my husband is against that… Saying our son has moved around too much. That I agree on… But I want our son safe and pressing a lawsuit is not going to make this go away.
 
mega1 said:

“He wants to sue her for large amount of money and had already burned through 6k worth of lawyer fees in. 2 weeks. He keeps calling the lawyer. Sending texts. Etc.”

Your husband should not be spending large amounts of money without your approval. Have you told him not to do this?

Tell him that the two of you need to set a dollar figure above which the other has to give approval. A lot of couples do $50 or $100 as their number. My husband and I do a monthly budget, and as long as I stay within the budget, I give myself a lot of leeway in moving money between different categories, but I generally clear unusual purchases with my husband before making them.

Tell your husband that if he continues to spend money without it being jointly decided upon, you will file for legal separation. And then do it. Do a generous monthly budget with your husband, making it very clear that this is a solemn agreement between the two of you, and while it would be OK for him to spend a little less on groceries and a little more on clothes (or vice versa), he can’t be out there suing people without clearing it with you.

You can’t bail your family out faster than he can punch holes in the boat. If he continues to punch holes in the boat, he’ll have to get out and swim.

(For those just tuning in, this is not a first offense.)
 
I’d also tell him, “We can’t make money just by suing people. It’s time for you to make money by working.”
 
Yes agreed…

I will say that my husband has been working pretty hard on his new business. He bought himself equipment and is getting some good gigs. However, he’s very much struggling with balance. He just can’t seem to manage this on his own and the entire reason he wanted this biz to work… Was so he could stay home with out son after school ( 3pm to 6pm). Anyway… We are now having to hire help. My son asked me because he said daddy is mean and doesn’t want to play with him at all. So I took matters into my own hands and started soliciting for sitters.

My biggest concern regarding the lawsuit is the fact that we are now out. 6k in legal fees and we lost about 4k to the woman. So now we are out 10k… And he thinks legally we can sue for 50k and just slam this woman. But that is not guaranteed. And it could take over a year to get that far in court.

I just feel so down. Trapped. Lost. It’s been hell and my husband has has bad allergies and he’s just so bitter. It’s just not fun in our lives … I just can’t take it anymore.
 
mega1 said:
Yes agreed…

I will say that my husband has been working pretty hard on his new business. He bought himself equipment and is getting some good gigs. However, he’s very much struggling with balance. He just can’t seem to manage this on his own and the entire reason he wanted this biz to work… Was so he could stay home with out son after school ( 3pm to 6pm). Anyway… We are now having to hire help. My son asked me because he said daddy is mean and doesn’t want to play with him at all. So I took matters into my own hands and started soliciting for sitters.

My biggest concern regarding the lawsuit is the fact that we are now out. 6k in legal fees and we lost about 4k to the woman. So now we are out 10k… And he thinks legally we can sue for 50k and just slam this woman. But that is not guaranteed. And it could take over a year to get that far in court.

I just feel so down. Trapped. Lost. It’s been hell and my husband has has bad allergies and he’s just so bitter. It’s just not fun in our lives … I just can’t take it anymore.
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I feel for you and know what you are going through. My first seven years of my marriage were living hell. My dh. as yours, suffered from anger and got angry at almost everything. I don’t have good memories of my pregnancy or the first few years of my dd’s life. It is sad what true. I was like you, I felt trapped and lost and didn’t know what to do. At first, I just got depressed, then I got angry as well and defended my daughter as she got older a lot. Then I went through depression and now I am at peace. I had to give my dh an ultimatum because I could not live with so much anger. I told him that he needed to go get help from a psychiatrist or I was leaving him. I knew he loved me in his own way, since his childhood was so full of abuse and just terrible, that I gave him that choice. He went to see a psychiatrist and it took some time to get the right medications to work and he didn’t get angry at the drop of a hat. Presently, he continues to fight his anger problem, but goes weekly to confession. So I know he tries and is trying. If your dh doesn’t want to get help, you may want to consider other options. The reason I say this is because children grow up to how you as a parent behaved and not so much on what you say. I taught my dd everything on our Catholic Faith, but now at the age of 14 she wants nothing to do with the Catholic Church. Why, because she knows it will hurt her dad. She resents me for saying married to him and she has an anger problem as well. This household is not a peaceful one. I am not truly at peace, but more peaceful then when we first got married. Do you want your son to be like his father? I would ask yourself that question. If your dh decides that you are the world to him and wants to change and goes sees a psychiatrist for medication, then try to be patient and see how it works out.

I will pray for you and private message me if you want to. It is a horrible way to live. He may have a personality disorder. How was he raised? Just look into his childhood.

May the Lord Jesus give you strength and courage to do what is needed for you and your son. May the Blessed Mother pray for your entire family.

I wonder if this whole thing with the lawsuits did not exist, would he be angry about something else?
 
nana3 said:
I feel for you and know what you are going through. My first seven years of my marriage were living hell. My dh. as yours, suffered from anger and got angry at almost everything. I don’t have good memories of my pregnancy or the first few years of my dd’s life. It is sad what true. I was like you, I felt trapped and lost and didn’t know what to do. At first, I just got depressed, then I got angry as well and defended my daughter as she got older a lot. Then I went through depression and now I am at peace. I had to give my dh an ultimatum because I could not live with so much anger. I told him that he needed to go get help from a psychiatrist or I was leaving him. I knew he loved me in his own way, since his childhood was so full of abuse and just terrible, that I gave him that choice. He went to see a psychiatrist and it took some time to get the right medications to work and he didn’t get angry at the drop of a hat. Presently, he continues to fight his anger problem, but goes weekly to confession. So I know he tries and is trying. If your dh doesn’t want to get help, you may want to consider other options. The reason I say this is because children grow up to how you as a parent behaved and not so much on what you say. I taught my dd everything on our Catholic Faith, but now at the age of 14 she wants nothing to do with the Catholic Church. Why, because she knows it will hurt her dad. She resents me for saying married to him and she has an anger problem as well. This household is not a peaceful one. I am not truly at peace, but more peaceful then when we first got married. Do you want your son to be like his father? I would ask yourself that question. If your dh decides that you are the world to him and wants to change and goes sees a psychiatrist for medication, then try to be patient and see how it works out.

I will pray for you and private message me if you want to. It is a horrible way to live. He may have a personality disorder. How was he raised? Just look into his childhood.

May the Lord Jesus give you strength and courage to do what is needed for you and your son. May the Blessed Mother pray for your entire family.

I wonder if this whole thing with the lawsuits did not exist, would he be angry about something else?
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Excellent post.
I would add this:
Just because you sue, and possibly win, does NOT mean you will get any money.
My sister married a lawyer, a fine one, and she said very few people pay their legal fees, and settlements general don’t mean anything if people claim to not have money to pay.
I say cut your losses, work on the family dynamic as the previous poster suggested, and reboot.
I’m still praying for you !
Peace
 
Thank you nana3

Boy I hear you loud and clear. I think my husband may have MILD aspergers and I’m starting to see it in our son. It’s scaring me.

Weird things with my husband. For example we went to tour the house we leased and we met the property owner at the door. We shook his hand and I started asking questions and apparently my question reminded my husband of a text message he got from a friend. So he picked up his phone and was completely disassociated from this homeowner whom he just met and DH was hell bent on telling me about this text message that had nothing to do with the house or homeowner. I thought… Wow. That is bizarre behavior. My son is starting to do something similar.

Our son is acting like his father when he gets frustrated. He melts down and then my DH gets mad because our son is bothering him.

It’s all tough… And I feel so scared. No matter what.
 
mega1 said:

“And he thinks legally we can sue for 50k and just slam this woman. But that is not guaranteed. And it could take over a year to get that far in court.”

I am not a lawyer, but I don’t see that happening. You did not suffer 50k in damages, so you’re not going to get 50k (unless you get the hot-coffee-at-McDonald’s jury).

Also, think how much income you’ll lose by getting sucked into court. At your income level, it could easily be 50k.

“Our son is acting like his father when he gets frustrated. He melts down and then my DH gets mad because our son is bothering him.”

Have your son evaluated by a child psychologist.

Also, it’s probably not at all a bad thing for you to have an ongoing relationship with a sitter in your situation.
 
Well what angers me most is the fact that I simply suggested small claims court and we didn’t need a lawyer for that. … At least not much time with one.

And now we are just SO stuck. I don’t know how we are going to pay these legal bills. M
He wants to take a loan from his parents.

No I don’t think we’d get any more than 10k (at max). We’ve already lost that… Before we even began this proceeding.

Nana asked if this went away …, would he be angry about something else. Yes. There’s always drama of some sort. Someone is always after him or wronging him.

As for our son… He is doing great in school etc. no major behavior problems. Bit he just seems very unreceptive to my constant demands of being polite etc. just like his father…

He is much better when I’m around. But I am often working… To pay these silly bills!
 
I don’t want to come across as unsympathetic, because I do feel very bad for your situation, but you have basically been posting different versions of the same problem for 6 months.

I and others have given advice in previous posts, but you don’t seem ready, willing, or able to take it.

So, my question back to you is, what have you done so far to make changes based on past advice?
 
I have gone up therapy, Ike. And I’ve really been stronger with my husband regarding his work. He HAS mAde progress.

and we don’t have the 6k. Haven’t paid yet. He says he will get a loan from his parents.
 
What is really frustrating is that my husband is not paying attention to details. I have told him several times that we can’t do anything but small claims because the agreement we signed when leasing… Says we are responsible for all attorney fees if we sue in court. The only exception is small claims. He says “he didn’t realize That”. Then he suggested that the attorney research to see if that would hold up in court.

This is yet again… Something that I’m going to have to grab control of. He is not going down a good road!
 
I don’t know what other advice others have given you in past threads you started, but it seems to me that your dh is controlling and unreasonable. It is very very difficult to reason with someone who doesn’t want to accept reality. I know from experience. That is why I say medication may help him and he would get more reasonable. I noticed that the times my husband was the angriest were he had things to do like fix something in the house, or work etc. He was fine otherwise, but like has conflict in it and he could not and still can’t handle it. He suffers from severe depression. I have gotten to the point that I need to take care of myself and my dd. My dh is doing all he can do. I praise him for going to weekly confessions to fight the “anger demons” as he calls them. He is aware of them and hates it, but knows the change is slow. He has changed so much. Please, if your dh refuses to go to see a counselor or psychiatrist, then you go for your sanity. Go to Eucharistic Adoration and daily Mass if you can. I know how we can get lost in our marriage and lose the person we once were. I suffer from depression due to all the past. I have forgiven my dh, but my memories are all still there.

Please tell your dh, not ask, to go get some help and drop the lawsuit. The lawsuit will not go anywhere and you end up loosing money and time into it all. I continue to pray for you. Take the advice of others and decided for a change!👍
 
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