Need Help/Advice

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Krislavis

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Over the last couple of months I have been overwhelmed by my new found love of the Catholic Church and its teachings. I hope to enter the Church next Easter. The trouble is all of this is coming at a time when several things are converging at once causing difficulty for me to focus on work and other tasks without my mind becoming overwhelmed with other thoughts.

While I have expressed more and more interest in growing closer to God my husband (who is Catholic but disagrees with some of the Church teachings and doesn’t like to express religion openly) hasn’t. Because of this I feel I have to hold in all of this newfound joy. On top of that I have expressed to him that I would like to use NFP and also start thinking about having a baby soon (Im now 30 with a Feb birthday). He says he isn’t ready to try for a baby and he doesn’t trust that I know my cycle well enough to do NFP. So now not only do I feel I have to hold in all the joy and new discoveries I am finding on my path to become closer to God I also feel like I can’t talk about how I think about wanting to try for children almost every day for the last 6 months. I feel like I am going mad… I have become an emotional teeter-totter going from crying to anger and resentfulness at him not trying to understand what I am going through. Other times I just feel numb.

We both have held fairly liberal outlooks in the past and while he still holds pretty much the same views many of mine have been changing as I have read through more of the Church’s teachings and the philosophy to back it up. Because of our views, many of our friends also hold the same point of view which only makes me feel more isolated. This bundle of joy/frustration/helplessness has left me not knowing what to do…

Please, if you have any advice…
 
I would suggest first that you meet with your priest to discuss some of these things and how to approach them with your husband, especially the NFP/birth control issue. You don’t want to come across to your husband as, “I’m doing things my way, like it or not,” but you also don’t want to be participating in sin now that you know better. It’s a topic that requires a lot of prayer, careful discussion, and respect between spouses.

In the meantime, work on virtues with which you struggle. And especially love and respect your husband where he is. It’s not easy, I know… I’m in the same boat with a non-practicing husband who does not want to discuss any of his religious struggles or beliefs with me, and doesn’t appreciate it when I want to talk about what I’ve learned or experienced about the Catholic faith. Though I still mention very general things to him about it (and I avoid anything that sounds remotely like, “you should be doing this too”), I’ve found new friends to talk to in more detail about my love of God and the Catholic Church, and that helps a lot.

You might see if there is a group in your parish or diocese with whom you can meet and share interests. Of course, RCIA classes will start in a couple of months, and that will likely help, as well. Just be careful to avoid leaving your husband entirely out of the loop. It may take some trial and error to figure out what you can share with him and what he doesn’t want to hear, but it’s worth the effort for the sake of your marriage.

I would suggest writing down many of the things you’re feeling so you can sort through them, or do whatever works to help organize your thoughts so you’re not distracted or overwhelmed with it all. You don’t want to be so distracted that you cannot do the things you should be doing, such as your job. You can offer up your work to God, as well, as a form of prayer, and do the best you can at it, which may help you to focus more. Perhaps St. Therese’s “little way” might help you in that. 🙂

I wouldn’t “hold in” the joy, but I also wouldn’t expect him to share in it, or be interested in discussing the details at this point. If he asks questions, be willing to share. Be appreciative of the small ways he shows support (even if it’s a lot less than you hope for).

As for building a family, you have time yet. Although I’d be sure my husband knew this was something I really want (not downplaying its importance like we wives often do), I’d leave it up to him and wouldn’t push it, either. I’d suggest keeping it in prayer, but also being patient a while longer before bringing it up again. (You can be charting in the meantime.)

You’ve already been making a lot of changes from the woman he married, and there will probably be more as you go through RCIA. You don’t want to overwhelm him. Give him time to come to terms with your newfound faith and changing views, and to see that you’re not becoming someone else, but rather becoming a better version of yourself. 😉

Will pray for you both! :gopray2:
 
For NFP take a class so you understand the method you choose well, both for achieving and avoiding.

Talk to him about the baby issue separately from the church issue. What sort of discussions had you had in the past, such as before and after you married, within the last year, etc. what are his reason for wanting to wait and what are yours for wanting to start trying. Keep the lines of communication open.
 
CatholicRaven said:
I would suggest first that you meet with your priest to discuss some of these things and how to approach them with your husband, especially the NFP/birth control issue.
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Thank you for all of your advice. I have met a couple of times with our priest and he has been encouraging and mentioned to try and talk more with my husband, although last time he basically said he couldn’t offer much since I seemed to be trying to be open and thoughtful of my husbands concerns. I had mentioned that I was only trying to get my husband to go to an NFP consultation with me, not even asking him to stop using condoms yet (even though I had expressed it in the past) just so he is as aware as I am of the whole charting process. Basically my husband said that he didnt want to listen to some self rightous person lecturing him on what he should do (his idea of how the meeting would go even though that is far from the truth). Our priest simply said he couldn’t offer much but it kinda sounded like he was being a jackass.

It helped to get it out by speaking with the priest, but I don’t want to keep bugging as an outlet for my concerns and frustrations. Plus there are a lot of good qualities about my husband and some of my frustration is that he is so grumpy at church and some of the people there haven’t/don’t get the opportunity to get to know the good side of him.
1ke said:
For NFP take a class so you understand the method you choose well, both for achieving and avoiding.

Talk to him about the baby issue separately from the church issue. What sort of discussions had you had in the past, such as before and after you married, within the last year, etc. what are his reason for wanting to wait and what are yours for wanting to start trying. Keep the lines of communication open.
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His reasons for wanting to wait are he wants everything in place first. At first he was concerned about finances but he has told me recently (last month) that is now less of a concern to him. But most of the time he simply says he doesn’t know when he will be ready so he cant say maybe we can try in a few months. So I feel it is like an endless waiting period.

We did discuss kids before marriage, but we were both in agreement to wait a while (its now been 3 years). Now that we have waited, I’m ready to try but he isn’t.

My reasons for trying are that I feel I am now losing time but at the same time I now feel more confident than I ever have that the time is right. There have been some indicators that it may take some time to get pregnant, whereas before I thought it wouldn’t be hard since all the women in my family haven’t seemed to have any trouble (they were all younger than me when they had their kids though). I found out four months ago I have HPV (though mostly likely will stay low grade and clear up on its own, but not a guarantee) and I also likely have PCOS since I typically have 35-40 day cycles. Because my cycles are long I also have less periods each year (less chances to conceive) and I may or may not be ovulating each month. All of this is just making me realize that much more how much i want to start trying.
 
I was wondering if you could tell us how long you have been married? 🙂
 
Krislavis said:
We will have been married for 3 years as of this August.
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Okay, so it’s not like you just married and he still wants “alone” time with you. One more question. Did you and he ever discuss whether he wanted children before you married?
 
Irishmom2 said:
Okay, so it’s not like you just married and he still wants “alone” time with you. One more question. Did you and he ever discuss whether he wanted children before you married?
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Yes, we did. We were both thinking it would be nice to have around two kids but we never talked about when since we didn’t own a home at the time and I have just finished grad school. Now that we both have more long term careers and own a home (bought in Dec of last year) I feel it is now time to start trying, however his response is still “I’m not ready”. He also says he doesn’t know when he will be ready and he can’t name a single thing that he is waiting for to be ready… so in that case all I can think of is “well no-one is ever truly ready for their life to change in that way”.
 
That must make you feel frustrated that he won’t give you a real answer. That really isn’t fair either. To say “I am not ready, and I don’t have a reason why I am not” is rather passive-aggressive on his part. Is he like that about other things as well? Marriage is something that involves compromise and communication, but he is just saying no, and that’s final until I say so.

My suggestion is to continue on your journey toward Catholicism in your own quiet way. Show him how your life is changed because of it, instead of talking about it. If he has not been a churchgoer, ask him if he would like to go to mass, but don’t push the issue if he says no. Go on your own. Try again another time. Are you signed up to take RCIA yet?
 
Irishmom2 said:
That must make you feel frustrated that he won’t give you a real answer. That really isn’t fair either. To say “I am not ready, and I don’t have a reason why I am not” is rather passive-aggressive on his part. Is he like that about other things as well? Marriage is something that involves compromise and communication, but he is just saying no, and that’s final until I say so.

My suggestion is to continue on your journey toward Catholicism in your own quiet way. Show him how your life is changed because of it, instead of talking about it. If he has not been a churchgoer, ask him if he would like to go to mass, but don’t push the issue if he says no. Go on your own. Try again another time. Are you signed up to take RCIA yet?
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Yup! I started RCIA in the middle of the last group in Feb and plan to do the full year starting in September of this year. in the mean time this summer I have been attending a bible study and getting to know the women who have been attending that. It has helped, and I love the women who attend, however it would be nice to try and get to know more people my age… thing is they all have kids and are attending to their own families (imagine that lol).

I can’t wait for it to start up again though 🙂
 
Perhaps a visit together with your doctor so your husband understands both the fertility issues facing someone with HPV and PCOS (if you are self diagnosing, please see your doctor and get tests to confirm or rule out PCOS) and the realities of age as a factor.

Your husband may see many celebrities having children at older ages, but he probably doesn’t realize that most of them are doing IVF, using donor sperm, donor eggs, and donor wombs in some cases.

The reality is that fertility does in fact decline in your 30s and PCOS can definitely make it difficult.

Let your DH hear the realities from your doctor, then have a conversation about what his real issue is.
 
Anglewannabe said:
:eek: What kind of a priest uses that language???
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Angie, let’s not disparage a priest.

Describing a person as a “jackass” is not a sin. A jackass is male donkey, and they are notoriously stubborn animals.

Although I will say calling her husband a jackass wasn’t a very productive thing to say to her.
 
1ke said:
Angie, let’s not disparage a priest.

Describing a person as a “jackass” is not a sin. A jackass is male donkey, and they are notoriously stubborn animals.

Although I will say calling her husband a jackass wasn’t a very productive thing to say to her.
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Well, sometimes it can be comforting to know that it’s not just in our heads. 🙂

I agree that it would be a good idea to go to the doctor with your husband and have him hear too what’s going on with your health.
 
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