Need help before I ask her out

[Andrew_Hinkley]

About three months ago I started a thread asking for advice on a girl I had fallen for. Unfortunately due to the way things went, I backed off for a while. I now think the time has come to ask her out, so I’ll invite her to coffee at some stage soon.

The problem is that I’ve already made her uncomfortable before, and worry that inviting her to coffee may anger her, or damage our friendship, or make things awkward. I get along fine with her, and have had several good conversations with her about this and that.

I’m desperate not to make her uncomfortable again. Three months ago I walked with her on her way home (once too often), and on arriving at the building she lives, she said she would prefer it if I didn’t walk with her on her way home after Church. She said that once in a while is fine, but (if I remember rightly) she didn’t like me hanging around waiting for her. (Though I tend to hang around for a while anyway after Church.) I’m not sure exactly why she was uncomfortable, maybe I was too forward? Maybe I was being too nice? Maybe I scared her? Maybe I inadvertently revealed my heart’s intentions?

I constantly worry that I make her uncomfortable or that she doesn’t want to be around me. She seems OK when talking to me, laughs at my jokes, smiles to say hello or goodbye, but I can never get rid of the “what ifs”. I really hope she doesn’t find me scary or anything like that. There’s that worry that she doesn’t want to be alone with me. For all I know I’m probably just paranoid.

By the way, is it a good idea to offer to buy her a coffee? or should I just stick with inviting her to meet for coffee?

She is stunningly beautiful, and very holy indeed. The fact that someone of her beauty would even talk to a train wreck like me is hard for me to comprehend. I’m 29 and eight years after graduating from university I still haven’t started a career, due to illness and lack of confidence. I feel that I’ve wasted my 20’s and have nothing to offer.

I am as prepared for a no as I can be. Sometimes I just wish these emotions would leave me alone, especially the paranoia.

I’ve never asked a girl out before, and never had a girlfriend so I’m rather clueless in that area.

Pray for me! :juggle:

 

[dakotagirl]

Poor baby. Listen, it’s not your fault if you were ill, etc.

Secondly, I seriously, seriously doubt that she will be angered by being asked out…that does not happen.
What is more likely is that she is surprised, and says “let me think about it” cause she’s on the spot, but probably she will say “yes” or “no”, b/c it sounds like she is pretty clear and does not beat around the bush. Which is good.
The sooner you ask her, the sooner you can get an answer and stop being paranoid.

 

[lottied]

Hey, first things first…chill out, you don’t need to worry- give it to God! if it is meant to be it’ll happen!

on a mundane level, try to think how she is interpreting your behaviour…firslty about the whole walking home thing- i would probably advise you to leave church before her this week, then maybe hang back a little next week, and then leave promptly again. it’s all about mixing it up. by doing this you will be showing that you are not ‘hanging around’ waiting for her at church. (which SHE thinks is waht is going on even though in truth it isn’t!)

I would leave it for about a month or so- in this time invite her out for coffee and just chat, then maybe invite her out for a drink or for lunch…then walk home from church…another drink…ask her out!

When you ask her out… be casual, be yourself (remember there is only one of you in the whole world- you are unique and special!) don’t be overly intense- just pose it as a simple question… e.g.’‘would you be my girlfriend?’’ or ‘‘i like you, may i take you out for dinner?’’ (the second one is great- as a woman i can tell you that we LOVE to be wined and dined!)

I reall hope this helps! although i am still looking for a good Catholic partner too!

God bless

 

[chevalier]

About three months ago I started a thread asking for advice on a girl I had fallen for. Unfortunately due to the way things went, I backed off for a while. I now think the time has come to ask her out, so I’ll invite her to coffee at some stage soon.

Great. “I invite you to a coffee,” is a great way to invite someone to a coffee, by the way.

The problem is that I’ve already made her uncomfortable before, and worry that inviting her to coffee may anger her, or damage our friendship, or make things awkward. I get along fine with her, and have had several good conversations with her about this and that.

If you need to worry about her anger, you need to look for a different girl (unless you’re giving her some serious reasons). You have your worth and you definitely need to respect her boundaries, but you are not demeaning her with your attention.

I’m desperate not to make her uncomfortable again.

Don’t be. You aren’t (so horribly much) at fault, her reactions are nothing to blame yourself for, and your own feelings count as well.

Three months ago I walked with her on her way home (once too often), and on arriving at the building she lives, she said she would prefer it if I didn’t walk with her on her way home after Church. She said that once in a while is fine, but (if I remember rightly) she didn’t like me hanging around waiting for her. (Though I tend to hang around for a while anyway after Church.) I’m not sure exactly why she was uncomfortable, maybe I was too forward? Maybe I was being too nice? Maybe I scared her? Maybe I inadvertently revealed my heart’s intentions?

If a girl I weren’t interested in asked me to walk with her often and I knew she were interested in me, I’d feel uncomfortable with that. I guess it’s better she says that than if she were to harbour resentment. By the way, allow her to miss you. And do walk with another girl if you feel like.

I constantly worry that I make her uncomfortable or that she doesn’t want to be around me.

Don’t. Constant worrying creates tensions. It’s neither good for you nor for her. You both need someone to relax around, not someone to be tense about.

For all I know I’m probably just paranoid.

Then don’t think of it. It’s natural that those thoughts come, but don’t dwell on them.

By the way, is it a good idea to offer to buy her a coffee? or should I just stick with inviting her to meet for coffee?

Don’t offer, do it. If she refuses, insist. If she still refuses, back down gracefully.

The fact that someone of her beauty would even talk to a train wreck like me is hard for me to comprehend. I’m 29 and eight years after graduating from university I still haven’t started a career, due to illness and lack of confidence. I feel that I’ve wasted my 20’s and have nothing to offer.

No need to demean yourself. If it doesn’t work, then she wasn’t the girl for you. There’s a certain number of stunningly beautiful holy women and you can’t have all of them interested in you.

I am as prepared for a no as I can be. Sometimes I just wish these emotions would leave me alone, especially the paranoia.

I know your pain. Peace is a wonderful feeling. Tried praying for it?

I’ve never asked a girl out before, and never had a girlfriend so I’m rather clueless in that area.

It isn’t that hard. If the woman’s stunning enough, it always feels like the first time. But chances are your currently chosen target is not interested in you. This has nothing to do with you or your faults. Maybe there’s just no chemistry. There are some men who are commonly regarded as smart, handsome, whatever-else, and they still can’t find their girl.

Pray for me! :juggle:

Sure.

 

[whatevergirl]

About three months ago I started a thread asking for advice on a girl I had fallen for. Unfortunately due to the way things went, I backed off for a while. I now think the time has come to ask her out, so I’ll invite her to coffee at some stage soon.

The problem is that I’ve already made her uncomfortable before, and worry that inviting her to coffee may anger her, or damage our friendship, or make things awkward. I get along fine with her, and have had several good conversations with her about this and that.

I’m desperate not to make her uncomfortable again. Three months ago I walked with her on her way home (once too often), and on arriving at the building she lives, she said she would prefer it if I didn’t walk with her on her way home after Church. She said that once in a while is fine, but (if I remember rightly) she didn’t like me hanging around waiting for her. (Though I tend to hang around for a while anyway after Church.) I’m not sure exactly why she was uncomfortable, maybe I was too forward? Maybe I was being too nice? Maybe I scared her? Maybe I inadvertently revealed my heart’s intentions?

I constantly worry that I make her uncomfortable or that she doesn’t want to be around me. She seems OK when talking to me, laughs at my jokes, smiles to say hello or goodbye, but I can never get rid of the “what ifs”. I really hope she doesn’t find me scary or anything like that. There’s that worry that she doesn’t want to be alone with me. For all I know I’m probably just paranoid.

By the way, is it a good idea to offer to buy her a coffee? or should I just stick with inviting her to meet for coffee?

She is stunningly beautiful, and very holy indeed. The fact that someone of her beauty would even talk to a train wreck like me is hard for me to comprehend. I’m 29 and eight years after graduating from university I still haven’t started a career, due to illness and lack of confidence. I feel that I’ve wasted my 20’s and have nothing to offer.

I am as prepared for a no as I can be. Sometimes I just wish these emotions would leave me alone, especially the paranoia.

I’ve never asked a girl out before, and never had a girlfriend so I’m rather clueless in that area.

Pray for me! :juggle:

I will keep you in my prayers. I think part of the problem could be how you view yourself. You imply why would she want to be with a train wreck like you. Women tend to like confidence. Probably you are attracted to her too, because she is smart and confident. Pray for God to reveal this situation to you. Pray for God to increase your confidence in yourself. I think that is where the issue lies…although, she might just not be ‘into’ you. That could be as well. Typically, if a girl continues to give signals that she doesn’t want a certain guy’s company–she just simply doesn’t want to give him the wrong idea that she likes him, when she doesn’t.

If that is the case, there are plenty of nice Catholic girls out there who will like you to walk them home after church. Be careful to not push too hard…if she doesn’t reciprocate the interest you have in her, it would be best for you to find someone who will.

God bless, and keep praying about this – Listen to what God has to say about it.

 

[Andrew_Hinkley]

Thanks so much for your replies, and my apologies for coming across so negative. What I’m going through may simply be a repeat of episodes of depression I’ve gone through before. (I’m in a better mood right now)

For example I have bad memories of when I was 22, my faith had collapsed (it came back, and much stronger, but took a looong time), my world was in ruins as a result. I would take all sorts of minor things personally and felt rejected over rather trivial things, even though I knew they were nothing personal at all. I’ve had to put up with mental illness in one form or another for quite a few years, now.

As for confidence issues, I am convinced that I can pull myself out of the mess I’m in, though I sometimes wish God would throw me a line in the form of a surprise job offer or something. I should be out there applying for jobs, though after years of living with OCD the thought scares me. What bothers me is the amount of time I’ve wasted over the last decade that could have been invested in career and education.

I’m sure she has nothing against me, I just worry too much. I’ve always tried to avoid being seen as flirting (not just with her, but with any young woman), which is one reason I get nervous around young women in general.

Perhaps the reason she was uncomfortable is that she knew she was targeted?

I should add that her holiness is the reason she is not just beautiful, but stunningly beautiful. She is also very smart. The first thing I noticed about her was her beauty, but had it not been for her holiness, she would not have got stuck in my mind. I always find holy women to be far more attractive.

I’ll make a point of praying for peace in my heart. I have in the past, but I seem to have been forgetting to lately.

Anyway, if she declines my offer to meet for coffee, then at least I’ll have an answer. If she’s not interested, I’m fine with that. It could mean that God has someone else in mind for me, it could simply mean that I’m far from ready for that sort of thing.

I’ll let you know how I get on!

:juggle:

 

[punisherthunder]

Being the Southern Gentleman that I am…I find it a little silly that the lady doesn’t want to be escorted after Mass. I was always taught to escort a lady. Even if it is one you are trying to catch a date with, and she doesn’t want it, I say pass. But, that’s just my opinion

 

[SoulRebel777]

andrew if you want any shot of winning this girls heart , you need to listen and do exactly what i say.

First offf dont ask her out. right now your appearing like the desperate creepy guy whos always obligating her to talk to you by walking her home.

You need to show her your value my friend. show her that your not some dope who needs her so bad. this is what i suggest you do.

instead of walking her home after mass, walk another girl home after mass. Maybe you can bring a family friend or girl you know with you to mass and then walk her home etc. this is your first goal…find another girl thats you can be seen with at mass, and let her see you with her. she needs to know that other girls like being with you and desire your company. then perhaps she might truly say to herself…hmm he use to walk me home and now hes with that other girl?? it will get her to see you in a whole new way my friend. her respect for you will increase, no longer will you be the needy guy , but a guy who has options. listen she told you basically to back off, so your backing off dont let her faze you.

then maybe in a few weeks or so , come back around to her and with a little swagger in your step and say something funny like… ill walk you home if you’d like , but i charge 20 dollars per walk for my protection and conversation skills. then just offer up your hand arm and let her slid hers in.

I bet you if you do this right, just the way i say it, she will do it.

your a man , stop acting like the little good choir boy, your a wild passionate man.God hasnt giving you a spirit of timidness but a spirit of boldness and wisdom. be as wise as a serpent but as innocent as a dove.

 

[SoulRebel777]

a few other things andrew.

make sure your looking your absolute best when you go to mass.look very neat with a fresh haircut and get alittle sun. also hitting the gym alittle bit wont hurt. it will get up your testerone levels and help your confidence naturally.

also if this girl is truly catholic , she will respect a man who puts God before her. so no peeking during mass to see if shes looking at you, give your full attention to God during the mass.

 

[thomfra]

your a man , **stop acting like the little good choir boy, your a wild passionate man.**God hasnt giving you a spirit of timidness but a spirit of boldness and wisdom. be as wise as a serpent but as innocent as a dove.

Great post! I love this!!!

 

[thomfra]

Women tend to like confidence.

Exactly!!!

 

[ironman62292]

I feel for ya man. I really do. I’ve been there. I think that you should ask her out. Seriously, go for it. Follow the path you think God is calling you to, and pray about it. Pray a lot about it. But give it a shot. Ask her out, if she says no then take it like a man, and ask if she wants to be just friends. But definitly try it. If you don’t you may look back years from now and think what if she would have said yes, what if I could have tried this. Don’t live with regret about something good. If she does reject you then what can ya do? Man up, rub some dirt on it and carry on like a good soldier. At least you’ll know how she feels and you won’t be always thinking about it. Perhaps you weren’t meant to be together and someone even better waits for you. I don’t know, and that’s an intelligent answer. Trust God, pray and ask for Mary’s help, read my signature, it’s the second part to the Memorare.

 

[chevalier]

your a man , stop acting like the little good choir boy, your a wild passionate man.God hasnt giving you a spirit of timidness but a spirit of boldness and wisdom. be as wise as a serpent but as innocent as a dove.

I somehow have trouble with “wild and passionate”. Boldness and wisdom, great. Wild, in a certain sense, well, free spirit, whatever. But say, one’s more of a steady, cultivated nature. Then it is no good acting wild and passionate since that’s not what one truly is and it’s bound to backfire at some point.

 

[SunnyGem]

One thing that popped into my head straight away when you said she is very beautiful and at the same time very holy. Perhaps she receives a lot of unwanted male attention because of her beauty and has learnt to keep her guard up permanently? Maybe she is distressed at the attention - unsure of what her response should be? You sound like you would be very caring towards her but it might take her a little while to see that you are interested in her for her not just the way she looks

I wish you all the best!

 

[Andrew_Hinkley]

One thing that popped into my head straight away when you said she is very beautiful and at the same time very holy. Perhaps she receives a lot of unwanted male attention because of her beauty and has learnt to keep her guard up permanently? Maybe she is distressed at the attention - unsure of what her response should be? You sound like you would be very caring towards her but it might take her a little while to see that you are interested in her for her not just the way she looks

I wish you all the best!

Thank you, SunnyGem, your response gave me a whole new perspective on her. I would not be surprised if this is in fact the problem.

I’m starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to warn her about the way she dresses in Summer (here in the Southern Hemisphere, Spring is just around the corner). She wears singlet and jeans in Summer, which is not offensive, but immodest in my opinion, and may attract unwanted attention.

 

[Andrew_Hinkley]

I somehow have trouble with “wild and passionate”. Boldness and wisdom, great. Wild, in a certain sense, well, free spirit, whatever. But say, one’s more of a steady, cultivated nature. Then it is no good acting wild and passionate since that’s not what one truly is and it’s bound to backfire at some point.

I’m going to have to agree with Chevalier on that one. I am passionate, but not wild (though I am a free spirit). I prefer to be thought of as cultured and passionate. I am proud to be a nerd

By the way, Chevalier, I tried praying for peace, and got it. I’m not paranoid anymore, and I can talk to her without fear now. If she turns me down, then no worries, I’m confident that it simply means God has different stunningly beautiful young and orthodox Catholic in mind for me

 

[Andrew_Hinkley]

I feel for ya man. I really do. I’ve been there. I think that you should ask her out. Seriously, go for it. Follow the path you think God is calling you to, and pray about it. Pray a lot about it. But give it a shot. Ask her out, if she says no then take it like a man, and ask if she wants to be just friends. But definitly try it. If you don’t you may look back years from now and think what if she would have said yes, what if I could have tried this. Don’t live with regret about something good. If she does reject you then what can ya do? Man up, rub some dirt on it and carry on like a good soldier. At least you’ll know how she feels and you won’t be always thinking about it. Perhaps you weren’t meant to be together and someone even better waits for you. I don’t know, and that’s an intelligent answer. Trust God, pray and ask for Mary’s help, read my signature, it’s the second part to the Memorare.

I LOVE the Memorare!!

I haven’t yet asked her to coffee, I’m waiting (and praying) for the right time. That said, recently peace has returned to my heart. I don’t know why I feel so peaceful, maybe it’s daily Eucharist, maybe it’s that I’ve got around the paranoia. Whatever it is, I’m glad to be me again

 

[ack]

This would be a good way to ensure that she will NEVER return your affections.

It would be rather offensive to say such a thing to someone who is not a close friend or relative.

Thank you, SunnyGem, your response gave me a whole new perspective on her. I would not be surprised if this is in fact the problem.

I’m starting to wonder if it would be a good idea to warn her about the way she dresses in Summer (here in the Southern Hemisphere, Spring is just around the corner). She wears singlet and jeans in Summer, which is not offensive, but immodest in my opinion, and may attract unwanted attention.

 

[SomeCatholicGuy]

This would be a good way to ensure that she will NEVER return your affections.

Agreed. The only words you’re allowed to utter if she asks for your opinion are “You look wonderful.” You’re still not out of the woods until you buy her flowers, because that’s her secret codeword for not receiving enough loving affirmation from you. Hope this helps!

P.S. Please don’t shoot the messenger.

 

[Andrew_Hinkley]

Point taken!

Thanks for stopping a bad idea before it becomes a bad mistake!