Need help -- do I leave or stay? I've lost God

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feelinglost1

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I have a mess and I need prayer/help. I grew up a Catholic. Married for 15 years & divorced. Annulment filed 2 months ago.
A few months afterdivorce filed, I met a successful, good looking man who swept me off my feet. He was successful & powerful, I became gullible & allowed him to make decisions that I shouldn’t have. I had terrific job but it was demanding & my new love (now fiancé) didn’t want me to continue because it was 2 hrs from his home/work & he struggled with distance.
He’d travel 4 hrs each day in the beginning just to have dinner. it got out of control. He’d demand I leave during breaks. I lost my job. calling in sick. he said he would take care of me until I found a job in his city. Suggested I start my own business. I did but had little money. left a 6 figure job for him.
He gave me a CC & told me checks go into his account. couldn’t add me to his premier bank account because my credit sucked from the divorce.
Soon, he said I shouldn’t get manicures or anything. only time he supported $ spent was when HE bought FOR me.
I tried to get job back. I didn’t. I got my own business going & quickly started making my salary but it was GROSS salary. I asked him to put money aside for taxes. He said no,he had enough write offs to handle it.
Then, he lost his big contract, wanted ME to support him but he didn’t want me to handle $$.
I began with a therapist & she said to hide checks. 1 night he blew up because he knew I was withholding & threatened to stop paying my car.
He left me that night with NOTHING. With only 2000 dollars left in my account. He cut off access to credit cards & he’d JUST transferred 10k of my paycheck to his.
I had no furniture. No home. he told me that he thought I had money hidden & to just deal with it. I had to ask my ex for a few hundred dollars to help.
My fiancé sent my stuff COD. I got an apartment & I bought used furniture. We reconciled. After 6 weeks. He said I’d handle my own finances. that was 13 months ago. We’ve struggled since. He is near bankruptcy. He asks for me pay some his mortgage (I pay for all incidentals —food ) I still have an apt from when he left me
I am low on money too. I am check to check & scared to go because I have no credit & have 2500 in savings. I’m 42.
He says I ruined him & his life and career& spent over 200k chasing me & when we broke up he was considering suing me!
Says his lawyer would have “made me cry for years” & I grateful that he didn’t because I wouldn’t know what hit me.
He said that I took advantage of his kindness.
I started to cry and he said he was sick of my manipulation and craziness. He doesn’t like when I am “victim” and that it’s a role I just “LOVE TO PLAY”.
i love him I don’t love the drama. i asked, when we will marry? He says when I’m “normal” etc.
My family ignores me. They never met him. I have no friends because he doesn’t like me going off alone.
I feel God is gone. I ask for strength & wake up in the same mess. I can’t find the strength.
We live together. my apt is vacant and I keep i hoping I’lll get the strength to go or have a place to live if he leaves me.
Please offer wisdom. I just need support.
 
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It was an expensive lesson to learn. But, yes, you needed to leave a long time ago, so no time like the present. Go. He’s not your fiancé. He’s a crazy dude.

You need to step back, date NO ONE, and get your head on straight. You are not free to date anyone. You are still married until you have a decree of nullity in your hands.

I am sorry that this happened to you. It will be difficult, but you can do it! You are smart and you can recover from this.
 
He left me that night because I was angry and I said NO! He left me with nothing. There was only 2000 dollars left in my account and he cut off my access to credit cards and he had JUST transferred 10k of my paycheck to his own account 3 days prior.
I had no furniture. No home…he told me that he thought I had money hidden and to just deal with it. It was a holiday weekend. I had to ask my ex for a few hundred dollars to help.
My fiancé sent me my belongings COD. I figured it out. I got an apartment and I bought used furniture. Thank GOD I had my job going ….
Well we got back together. After 6 weeks arpart he came back and said he wanted to work things out. He said he would have me handle my own finances…etc. And that was 13 months ago.
We have struggled since. He is near bankruptcy. He keeps asking me to pay money toward his mortgage (I pay for all incidentals —food — etc) But I still have an apartment lease I must finish out from when he left me.

I am currently very uneasy about money too. I am paycheck to paycheck and I’m very scared to go off on my own…because I still have very little credit and literally only have 2500 in savings. I’m 42. I’ve given everything else that I have to him.

He told me last night that I ruined him…that he kept chasing after me and he ruined his life and career and spent over 200k chasing me… and told me when we broke up he was considering suing me!

He said his lawyer had something up his sleeve that would “make me cry for years” and I should be grateful that he didn’t do that….because I wouldn’t know what hit me… as he said.

He said that I took advantage of his kindness and that he’s sick of being nice to me and trusting me.

I started to cry and he said he was sick of my manipulation and craziness. He doesn’t like when I am “victim” and that it’s a role I just “LOVE TO PLAY”.

Part of me loves him — I just don’t love the drama. I have asked him when we will marry? He says when I’m “normal” and when I don’t cause so many problems in his life…

My family has turned against me. They never met him — they heard too much. They refuse to. I have vitally no friends because he doesn’t like me going off alone and he certainly thinks that I am badmouthing him.

I feel so lost. I feel like God is gone… I ask for strength and I find myself waking up in the same mess day after day…… I can’t seem to find the strength.

We live together and my apartment sits vacant…. and I secretly keep it there — hoping someday I’lll get the strength to go… or have a place to live if he leaves me.

Please offer some words of wisdom. I just need a friend…even if it’s online.
 
VWhat is there to love about him?

You need to get away from him. He has cased nothing but drama and heartache.

Don’t make excuses for his behavior or yours. Leave him and figure out your own life, with your own money and being answerable to yourself.

Those of us that have been on CAF awhile have seen this story before.

I don’t understand your comments about losing God. You had two rather long posts and mentioned him only once.
 
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Dear Feeling,
I would suggest that what you need to do is take your life back. Move out, back to your own place, find your own source of income, and don’t give any money to this guy. He is mean; even if he’s disappointed with you, robbing you is just mean and vengeful. He has taken advantage of you, and he’s gaslighting you: making it seem like it’s all your fault.
If you marry him, you will be setting yourself up for a lifetime of hurt. Don’t do it. Live alone for awhile and cultivate real friends.
God has not abandoned you. You have just made some bad decisions that you are wise enough to find your way out of.
God bless.
 
this man doesn’t love you.
He has no concern for you.
You may be attached to him, but that’s an unhealthy attachment and it is self destructive to say I love him and try to hang on to him.

You ask for sympathy but what you need is for someone to shock you enough into getting away from this man and staying away. I don’t know if that will work as you already have had warnings enough from what that man has done, yet you don’t act on the wisdom to leave,

You will need support to leave because a man who acts like this won’t easily let go of someone he has so fully abused and dominated, and he will want to blackmail or entice you back. So please get support to leave

You can’t lay your choices on God, it is you who choose to live with this abusive man you are not married to.

But you do need to remember that you are a loved child of God, precious in His sight.

Any of us can say anything we like , but none of it means anything unless you leave this man and don’t go back to him however hard he works to get back this weak female object that he uses to exert power over any way he can. You are enabling a man who acts as if he is a narcissistic psychopathic behaviour by remaining with him and convincing yourself that you love him.

Look for help and protection It’s out there if you are willing to find it.

I’ll pray for you, but you are the one who must make the sane and healthy choice to leave the man you are permitting to destroy you.
 
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I remember you or someone with a very similar situation posting a while back.

The same advice on that thread stands.
 
Anullment filed does not mean you are free to pursue a relationship.
My reading stopped there.
God’s still there for you when these men appear to abandon you.
Go to confession. Reboot.

You might begin to ask yourself why you feel God only loves women with men in their lives…🤔
Got any women friends in real life? What do they say?
I’m pretty sure no other woman would do anything but shake you and say
GIRL, WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?

Good luck.
Reboot. Seriously.
 
feelinglost1 said:
He told me last night that I ruined him…that he kept chasing after me and he ruined his life and career and spent over 200k chasing me… and told me when we broke up he was considering suing me!

He said his lawyer had something up his sleeve that would “make me cry for years” and I should be grateful that he didn’t do that….because I wouldn’t know what hit me… as he said.

He said that I took advantage of his kindness and that he’s sick of being nice to me and trusting me.
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He’s nothing but a user and a manipulator. Don’t believe a word he says – he’s probably not anywhere near bankruptcy, he’s just trying to manipulate you. You cannot possibly consider marriage to this jerk.
Go to your family. Tell them you’ve come to your senses and need help to get away from him. They may help you then. Or try to get in touch with some old, close friends; tell them you’re in trouble and need help to get away. If not, try social services.
If you have a cell phone, put a passcode on it so that he can’t get into it.

Seriously, you have to get out.
 
LEAVE. Go to a different bank. Transfer YOUR money there so he doesn’t have access to anything. If you’re near the end of your lease, find another apartment so he doesn’t know where you live.

This guy is bad news. And until you have a decree of nullity, you should NOT be even dating anyone!! I’m in the same boat- my ex husband has filed for nullity. Unless and until it’s granted, I don’t even LOOK. Frankly, at this point, I don’t want to date anyone.

Focus on your relationship with God. GO TO CONFESSION- then attend Mass as often as possible. Go to Holy Hour. Get involved in your parish- feed the poor; pro-life activities; CCD… whatever interests you. Fill your life with God’s business!!!
 
Thank you… I am making a plan. I am terified though…this morning he was so angry that the dog got dirty in the backyard and he told me that I do nothing but cause problems for him…and that every day I create another disaster…and when I tried to wipe his paws and clean the dog he told me I can’t even handle that…because I can’t even do it properly.
 
He is EMOTIONALLY ABUSING YOU. Do not engage him. Get out ASAP. The next step for him will be to PHYSICALLY abuse you, if he hasn’t already.
 
feelinglost1 said:
Thank you… I am making a plan. I am terified though…this morning he was so angry that the dog got dirty in the backyard and he told me that I do nothing but cause problems for him…and that every day I create another disaster…and when I tried to wipe his paws and clean the dog he told me I can’t even handle that…because I can’t even do it properly.
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This is more emotional abuse. You need to make a plan to leave when he’s not there. Please try to find someone, an old friend or a family member, to help you. And once you’re out, go to Legal Aid and discuss the entire situation with them.
 
So why are you still there? Please don’t answer that you love him. Why are you with a man that is abusive and disrespectful?
 
I thought the same thing. Too many similarities and coincidences, too many things don’t add up.
 
I have been with him for 3.5 years and I feel so scared to be alone… Also, he has influence over my bosses – he knows them well and tries to find a way to let me know that he will “ruin me” if I leave…

I believe that there will be repercussions even if they aren’t easily tracked… and it scares me because it could destroy me financially more.

I keep thinking that maybe I can find a way around it…but he’s tight with them and of course it’s ON PURPOSE
 
And here we go. All the reasons you can’t leave. Just like the other threads.

So, you have no friends, no family, can’t get a new job?

Here is the advice we gave (probably you) in your other threads: pack a bag and go to a shelter for abused women. Today.
 
Your bosses? Didn’t you say you started your own business, or did I misunderstand?
Blockquotelost my job. calling in sick. he said he would take care of me until I found a job in his city. Suggested I start my own business. I did but had little money. left a 6 figure job for him.
I tried to get job back. I didn’t. I got my own business going & quickly started making my salary but it was GROSS salary.
Blockquote
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feelinglost1 said:
I have been with him for 3.5 years and I feel so scared to be alone… Also, he has influence over my bosses – he knows them well and tries to find a way to let me know that he will “ruin me” if I leave…

I believe that there will be repercussions even if they aren’t easily tracked… and it scares me because it could destroy me financially more.

I keep thinking that maybe I can find a way around it…but he’s tight with them and of course it’s ON PURPOSE
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We can only tell you what you already know. With all Christian charity, I am telling you: Stop seeking our advice. You know what to do- LEAVE and don’t look back.
If you started your own business, you can start it again in another city. Move far away and start OVER.
 
This is unbelievable! You moved in with him. You gave up a good job, family, friends…all so he could rob you blind.

You made the classic mistake of trying to appease a controlling personality. He has deliberately isolated you.

Move out. NOW! See a lawyer to find out what your rights are. Change the lock to your new apartment. I’m guessing he already has the key.

Get a restraining order and use it! Never let him near you, again. If possible, take the dog. Controllers often abuse animals!

You don’t need him in your life Try and step away from the situation. A woman with the skills and education to earn a six-figure income can barely keep two thousand in the bank at a time.

Don’t look for ‘good things’ in this man. He has almost destroyed your life. Your only hope is to get out. Please, start another thread when you’ve made the move.
 
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