Need help explaining Annulment to non-Catholics

[dgallagher88]

Hello -

I have a friend who is divorced and remarried and is now going through the annulment and RCIA process to enter the Church. He has 2 kids with his previous marriage. He is having an extremely difficult time explaining what an annulment really means to his parents especially as well as his ex wife. The connotation is that you are saying that your children are “invalid”. I know this is not the case but it’s what many people outside the Catholic faith believe.

I need help finding resources (short media clips, articles, podcasts) that can help him graciously explain the situation in layman’s terms to others. Please help me help a friend out!

Thanks

 

[mountee]

Honestly, many people are quite confused by the annulment process, Catholics and non-Catholics alike. We have a family member going through it right now and it is a difficult, lengthy process. Many people do wonder where does that leave the children but the fact is that the marriage was a legal marriage and it ended in a civil divorce its just that there is another step for Catholics in order to be able to enter into a Catholic marriage again. The children were a product of a legal marriage, period. Here is a website with some good information written by the Catholic bishops.
usccb.org/issues-and-action/marriage-and-family/marriage/annulment/

 

[fide]

Hello -

I have a friend who is divorced and remarried and is now going through the annulment and RCIA process to enter the Church. He has 2 kids with his previous marriage. He is having an extremely difficult time explaining what an annulment really means to his parents especially as well as his ex wife. The connotation is that you are saying that your children are “invalid”. I know this is not the case but it’s what many people outside the Catholic faith believe.

I need help finding resources (short media clips, articles, podcasts) that can help him graciously explain the situation in layman’s terms to others. Please help me help a friend out!

Thanks

Hello dg. I understand very well the difficulty of explaining annulment to anyone, graciously. A merely legalistic lecture comes across horribly; a sugar-coated and minimalist explanation will not go well either, especially in persons wounded by the actual failed marriage.

In a certain sense, the term “invalid” may be the best one to use - with sincere sorrow that the marriage was indeed not valid in the eyes of God. The marriage was not something that “God has joined together” such that “man ought not put asunder.” We live in a broken and deeply wounded world, as deeply wounded persons. We make choices - even very serious and important choices - imprudently, unwisely, and sometimes simply wrongly.

I wonder if even children could take such an explanation better than expected, if it was delivered with sincere sorrow for the hurt it is causing now.

God blessed the children with life and with HIs love, even in the marriage that He did not bless, because the children are innocent. They are loved, and are not “invalid” in any sense due to the imperfections in the marriage of their parents.

 

[wmw]

I disagree with just saying a marriage was invalid. It would be better to say it was a legal marriage, but not a sacramental marriage. This correctly says that they were as married as much as any non-Catholic’s marriage. The Church endorses such legal marriages, but it isn’t recognized as an indissoluble sacramental marriage; so, the legal marriage can end with a legal divorce and restore the unmarried status of the them both.

 

[jmcrae]

Hello -

I have a friend who is divorced and remarried and is now going through the annulment and RCIA process to enter the Church. He has 2 kids with his previous marriage. He is having an extremely difficult time explaining what an annulment really means to his parents especially as well as his ex wife.

The marriage failed. The Tribunal is investigating to see whether the reason it failed is that there was a defect that prevented the marriage from being valid, to begin with.

This has no effect whatsoever on the legal standing of the children.

 

[jmcrae]

I disagree with just saying a marriage was invalid. It would be better to say it was a legal marriage, but not a sacramental marriage. This correctly says that they were as married as much as any non-Catholic’s marriage. The Church endorses such legal marriages, but it isn’t recognized as an indissoluble sacramental marriage; so, the legal marriage can end with a legal divorce and restore the unmarried status of the them both.

This is the sort of thing that causes people to believe that non-Sacramental marriages can’t be valid.

They can.

 

[fide]

I disagree with just saying a marriage was invalid. It would be better to say it was a legal marriage, but not a sacramental marriage. This correctly says that they were as married as much as any non-Catholic’s marriage. The Church endorses such legal marriages, but it isn’t recognized as an indissoluble sacramental marriage; so, the legal marriage can end with a legal divorce and restore the unmarried status of the them both.

No, the issue of sacramentality is not relevant to whether a marriage is valid or not. A “good and natural” marriage (not a sacramental one - not a marriage between two baptized Christians) is either valid or not, and would require a decision of nullity if it were set before a Tribunal for some reason.

“Good and natural marriages” were those considered by Jesus when He answered the question about divorce. Because of the hardness of man’s heart, God permitted divorce up to that point, but, as Jesus said, “In the beginning it was not so.”

Mt 19:3 And Pharisees came up to him and tested him by asking, “Is it lawful to divorce one’s wife for any cause?”
Mt 19:4 He answered, “Have you not read that he who made them from the beginning made them male and female,
Mt 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
Mt 19:6 So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder.”
Mt 19:7 They said to him, “Why then did Moses command one to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?”
Mt 19:8 He said to them, “For your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so.
Mt 19:9 And I say to you: whoever divorces his wife, except for unchastity, and marries another, commits adultery.”

The validity and permanence of a marriage predates Christian sacraments, and are determined by whether God has joined them together or not. Non-Christian marriages - if they are true or “valid” marriages - are intended by God to be permanent also, as Jesus said in the above passage.

 

[Auntie_A]

I actually think annulments can be a stimulus for improving other marriages. The fact that the state of mind, maturity, disclosures, hidden impediments, coercions, of one or both parties is important to a contract or oath of marriage would seem to make others more careful about approaching marriage, and hopefully make a priest or marriage counsellor more cautious as well in providing pre-Cana (marriage) support.

I found the pre-Cana questionnaire at my church very helpful in deciding who to date, talk about prevention. I’m sure those questions are based on failures and annulments.

How anyone could ever believe that an annulment diminishes the existence and validity of the life or lives of offspring is archaic nonsense.

 

[jmcrae]

How anyone could ever believe that an annulment diminishes the existence and validity of the life or lives of offspring is archaic nonsense.

Indeed it is. Back before there was such a thing as DNA testing, the concept of “illegitimacy” prevented people from pretending to be the children of rich men, in order to claim their estate as an inheritance.

By saying that only the children of a man’s first legal wife were allowed to inherit his estate, there were no ugly surprises for the heirs after the death of their father. Now that we have DNA testing, together with much more relaxed inheritance laws, there is no longer a need for the concept of “legitimacy.”

 

[dgallagher88]

Hello dg. I understand very well the difficulty of explaining annulment to anyone, graciously. A merely legalistic lecture comes across horribly; a sugar-coated and minimalist explanation will not go well either, especially in persons wounded by the actual failed marriage.

In a certain sense, the term “invalid” may be the best one to use - with sincere sorrow that the marriage was indeed not valid in the eyes of God. The marriage was not something that “God has joined together” such that “man ought not put asunder.” We live in a broken and deeply wounded world, as deeply wounded persons. We make choices - even very serious and important choices - imprudently, unwisely, and sometimes simply wrongly.

I wonder if even children could take such an explanation better than expected, if it was delivered with sincere sorrow for the hurt it is causing now.

God blessed the children with life and with HIs love, even in the marriage that He did not bless, because the children are innocent. They are loved, and are not “invalid” in any sense due to the imperfections in the marriage of their parents.

Thank you very much - This is the type of response I’m looking for. He is in a hurt position and an honest and thoughtful explanation is what is needed.