Need help for shy teen

[ggg]

JMJ

I am a mother of a shy teen. She is very outgoing within our family at home with her brothers and sisters, but really dislikes being with other teens. She does not enjoy the immaturity of the "teen scene’, acting goofy, and senseless conversations about make-up, boys, and rock music. When at a social event, she often prefers to be all alone, but it hurts me to see her appearing so unhappy. She feels very nervous if someone tries to talk to her or asks questions, so she struggles finding the words to say, and then she feels that they think she is stupid. She is an excellent student, an artist, a writer, and has many varied interests. If she would only be able to conquer this fear, I know that she would be able to befriend many people and be a very precious friend, as she is a very unique person. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a book that would help her, preferably by a Catholic/Christian author. Any websites, any helpful info would be appreciated. Thank you. God bless!

 

[AngloCatholic1]

ggg,

I hope someone will give you some good advice, because I have the exact same problem. My sixteen-year-old son is an enigma to my wife and me. He’s very intelligent (an honour student in fact) and quite good-looking by worldly standards (tall, bright smile, blonde with blue eyes). He is witty, well-mannered, kind and VERY good-natured. He is close to Christ in an almost innocent way. At home in front of family members he is very interactive and confident… however… as soon as he finds himself in a public social setting he quickly goes into ULTRA-SHY mode! He comes straight home from school every day, and NEVER seems to be delayed by talking to friends or interacting with classmates. He hasn’t joined any clubs at school. He is very physically active (soccer in summer and ice hockey in winter) but, despite the fact that he is very good, he NEVER chats up his team mates! He sings aloud during mass, but wants to leave as soon as it is over - never wanting to stay for social time and refreshments.

Somebody HELP!!!

 

[RobNY]

Have you asked why?

 

[bpbasilphx]

And how old is your daughter?

 

[purplesunshine]

One of the things is to find out weither she’s truly socially awkward or if she’s an introvert. There’s no end to irratating extrovert parents thinking their introvert child is messed up…even an autistic or something. UGGGG!

Two of the four of us kids are introverts. I’m more of the quiet home-body type who likes one-on-one while my brother LOVES performing but when he’s not he likes to be alone.

Ask her what she’d like to do. If she wants to do a theater camp save the money to. Encourage her in the things she likes.

On a side note…many children unitiontally develop a “private school” or “homeschooled” complex where outside children are thought of as stupid, incompetent or just plain need to avoid. Part of growing up is learning that not everyone is like your family and that everyone is immature…some people are just immature about boys, makeup, etc.

 

[graceandglory]

JMJ

I am a mother of a shy teen. She is very outgoing within our family at home with her brothers and sisters, but really dislikes being with other teens. She does not enjoy the immaturity of the "teen scene’, acting goofy, and senseless conversations about make-up, boys, and rock music. When at a social event, she often prefers to be all alone, but it hurts me to see her appearing so unhappy. She feels very nervous if someone tries to talk to her or asks questions, so she struggles finding the words to say, and then she feels that they think she is stupid. She is an excellent student, an artist, a writer, and has many varied interests. If she would only be able to conquer this fear, I know that she would be able to befriend many people and be a very precious friend, as she is a very unique person. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a book that would help her, preferably by a Catholic/Christian author. Any websites, any helpful info would be appreciated. Thank you. God bless!

Does she like people? I mean honest to goodness really enjoy the company of other people? I have learned that some shy people just don’t like people very much. Does she need to grow in her love of others? Not just those in her immediate family but loving her neighbor as herself kind of love?

 

[RobNY]

One of the things is to find out weither she’s truly socially awkward or if she’s an introvert. There’s no end to irratating extrovert parents thinking their introvert child is messed up…even an autistic or something. UGGGG!

Two of the four of us kids are introverts. I’m more of the quiet home-body type who likes one-on-one while my brother LOVES performing but when he’s not he likes to be alone.

Introvert/Extrovert, or so I’m told, has little to do with being shy or outgoing, but everything to do with what is restful or draining. The introvert finds social situations to be draining, and needs private time to recharge.

And absolutely, being introverted is absolutely normal. I much prefer intimate gatherings of friends to anything large. It’s just not something that has ever appealed to me. (And I’m perfectly alright with public speaking, and everything… I’m definitely not shy.)

But I think that it’s more than simply introversion in these cases. For those of us who tend to me more introverted, we at least spend intimate time with close friends, and that isn’t really draining. Why don’t they seek this ordinary companionship? That seems to be more the problem.

 

[dakotagirl]

One of the things is to find out weither she’s truly socially awkward or if she’s an introvert. There’s no end to irratating extrovert parents thinking their introvert child is messed up…even an autistic or something. UGGGG!

Two of the four of us kids are introverts. I’m more of the quiet home-body type who likes one-on-one while my brother LOVES performing but when he’s not he likes to be alone.

Ask her what she’d like to do. If she wants to do a theater camp save the money to. Encourage her in the things she likes.

On a side note…many children unitiontally develop a “private school” or “homeschooled” complex where outside children are thought of as stupid, incompetent or just plain need to avoid. Part of growing up is learning that not everyone is like your family and that everyone is immature…some people are just immature about boys, makeup, etc.

I like all of what you said; just thought I would point something out. If the kid has no or next to no friends and is not social at all - that’s more than just being introverted. Even introverts have friends. I would most definitely have my kid’s mental health investigated, to find out if he has avoidant personality or social anxiety disorder…or yes, autism. I know a 23 year old man whom I am positive has one of these, but his parents just think he is “so shy”. I wish people were more aware that these are possibilities. :sad_yes:. Good luck to you, ggg!

 

[GorgerCracker]

I was a very shy teenager and I no longer am (either a teenager or shy). One thing that really helped me overcome my shyness was working in retail, but there are also many tools shy people can use to move slowly out of their comfort zones.

–Say Goodbye to Being Shy: A Workbook to Help Kids Overcome Shyness by Richard Brozovich, Ph.D. and Linda Chase. I haven’t read it, but I had a therapist who helped me with similar techniques.

–How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Helped me a lot.

I would also point out (gently, of course) that while you might make a bad impression if you do say something, you will make a bad impression if you don’t. I’m sure she is a wonderful, sensitive child, but if she doesn’t give her best impersonation of a somewhat outgoing person, other people won’t see her that way. They will just remember her, if they remember her at all, as the girl who never talked.

I hope this helps. It’s hard to overcome shyness, but there is a lot of help out there. Good luck.

 

[chevalier]

Whether she is socially awkward or introvert, *please *don’t pressure her. A psychologist (one with Catholic views, as some of them have very strange views that make me wish they would stay away from people) could be of help, but a normal person may not be equipped to handle that kind of situation.

I was like that throughout my earliest to early years. I *hated *being nagged to go out and play with the other children (who didn’t mature so fast intellectually and had unbearable manners), as I preferred to stay home reading books or playing computer games *or *interacting with those few people I could get along with, on a more individual basis. I got a whole lot of flak for standing out and at one point a teacher scolded me for not getting involved in my peers’ petty squabbles, that I acted like I was “above it” etc. All that for being different. No tolerance for the smart introverted kids who don’t love P.E.! Wonder what wonders it did to my personality in the long run, as such things *don’t *remain without consequence. This said, I believe one should do all one can to avoid negating such a child’s identity even by accident in the process of integration, or pressuring the child to take part in activities that are intellectually hurtful to him or her or offend his or her sensitivity. If such a child needs friends but can’t get any, perhaps it’d be better to try and find friends elsewhere, some friends that will be more accepting or more like the child itself is. And no, I don’t mean being elitist, just if certain particular set of friends or activities would require the child to act less smart, less mature and in other ways deny the child’s identity to please others. As for social events, if such a child really is introverted, he or she can live without attending much, *but *if it comes from the child’s being unable to relate to people while he or she would otherwise very much want to go out, then he or she might need some help in finding people he or she would feel good with. Reminds of the Narnia kids’ tribulations among their peers in the real England.

Please not I’m judging by my own case here, as well as general experience and bits of knowledge picked up here or there. I’m not a professional and wouldn’t pretend to be a psychologist or expert on children, It’s just that I was one of the kids. By all means ask a psychologist. Your daughter seems to have a lot of talents and it would be a bad thing for the world if she suffered in her development because of difficulties interacting with people.

EDIT: After reading again, I see she’s older than I had thought and it might perhaps be a self-esteem issue (again, I’m no expert on those but I’ve had or seen a couple), whether or not connected with growing up (such things do happen to teenagers). Maybe you could go and talk to a psychologist without bringing your daughter along and decided on further action in agreement with that professional’s advice? He (or she) will know what’s a worrying sign and what’s not and he’ll know what questions to ask of you–just like any professional doing his job.

 

[ggg]

JMJ

Thank you all so far for all of your (name removed by moderator)ut.

Here are more specifics to consider. My daughter is sixteen y.o. As a small child, she was very outgoing and always said what was on her mind. She even had no trouble talking in front of groups. Within the last 6 years, she has become what I would call introverted. She is the second oldest in the family. Since her older sister is very close in age, perhaps she always just “piggybacked” on her relationships. (my fault, I guess).

She has no trouble interacting with people when it comes to “business” talk (for example, working with others where she is backed up my a certain ability/talent that she has).

Yes, I have talked to her about her shyness and how she feels. I see that she does not want to be shy anymore, so I am trying to help her out by getting some advice from others that have been in a similar situation.

She is a very talented artist and writer. She has dreams for her future as an animator/screenwriter.

I really want to help her through this and I know that she is receptive to this. She is really hurting.

By the way, my husband was a very shy guy before I met him. Now we are always the last to leave any social gathering as we wait for “Daddy” to stop talking…:

Is there a patron saint of shy people? Wasn’t St. Thomas Aquinas shy?

Also, she is homeschooled. Some of you may have been wondering how she copes with school situations. I think that the shyness is more hereditary than a result of the homeschooling. I have other children, one of which always has a following of many peers wherever he goes. Actually, he never stops talking!

I really appreciate your help!

 

[Kindness]

Rather than large general teen events how about getting her involved in small groups specific to her interests? For example is there a local art school where she can take classes with a small group. If she is talented that will attract positive attention from others and hopefully help her feel more comfortable.

Introversion/extroversion is partially genetic so I would work with what she is more comfortable with. As a natural introvert who is not with large groups of peers on a daily basis she may just still be making the adjustments that are part of growing up and being a teen, but her “schedule” for this may be slightly behind her peers because it has not been forced by a school situation. I think this can be a postive as many teen girls I knew growing up were constantly feeling forced into social situations that made them feel uncomfortable. A 16 year old girl before the modern era of large schools probably was still just learning to emerge from her family.

Also, if you are in the USA I have noticed when I lived in the US that shyness is seen as a personality defect and something to be overcome at all costs. I am not American and so I see this as cultural because where I grew up shyness (unless ongoing and excessive) was not seen as a problem at all. Just a natural thing. She may just need more time to adjust.

Of course to function successfully in society and her chosen career she does need to learn how to interact and feel confident when talking to people she doesn’t know and maybe that is how you can frame it for her. Take small steps initially with small groups. If she is very unhappy you could take the step of involving a teen counsellor or lifecoach who could give her techniques to gradually increase her confidence. She probably lacks some skills in terms of how to approach people and what to do when they approach her so maybe just some practical behavioral techniques would do the trick.

 

[PaulineOsinachi]

ggg and AngloCatholic, both your kids sound like very good kids to me. Some people just make many friends wherever they are while some go through their whole life with a handful of friends. so if it is that they do not have any friend at all you may want to challenge them that they may want to get out and share their talents with 1 or 2 others, in other words make a few friends, but if they see it in the light of sharing with others it maybe more appealing to them than just socializing.

God Bless
Paula

 

[iluvmybabies]

JMJ

I am a mother of a shy teen. She is very outgoing within our family at home with her brothers and sisters, but really dislikes being with other teens. She does not enjoy the immaturity of the "teen scene’, acting goofy, and senseless conversations about make-up, boys, and rock music. When at a social event, she often prefers to be all alone, but it hurts me to see her appearing so unhappy. She feels very nervous if someone tries to talk to her or asks questions, so she struggles finding the words to say, and then she feels that they think she is stupid. She is an excellent student, an artist, a writer, and has many varied interests. If she would only be able to conquer this fear, I know that she would be able to befriend many people and be a very precious friend, as she is a very unique person. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a book that would help her, preferably by a Catholic/Christian author. Any websites, any helpful info would be appreciated. Thank you. God bless!

Your child is very special! I wished I would have been that mature at her age and even that well educated… A fried of mine was like that when we were growing up…I was the wild one, she was the shy one and we had a goofy one, and a grumpy one and a crazy one and a quiet one, lol, we were a very unique bunch…What each one lacked we found it in each other… several of us are still best friends even after 14 years later…

The reason she starts to panic is not just because of her shyness it’s the way she’s approached as well and if she feels there is nothing in common with those approaching her, if you could perhaps help her by taking her to a museum where she could meet other young and interesting kids like her she might find her place better and you will see this butterfly blossom and her shyness melt away…

I know that when our shy friend was around other intellects like her, wow was she always glowing! She glowed with us of course but it was different when they were united talking all their special talk! LOL You’d think she would stay with them, nope after she was done having her time she would come right back to us, where she told us she felt she belonged…

Eventually your child will find her friends true friends and you will wish she was shy again! lol Trust me you won’t get her to be quiet! LOL

Just be patient with her, taker her to places that interest her and help her find other teens like her…It will help her learn her way and where she feels she belongs…

Good luck and GOD BLESS!

 

[MercyMia]

I agree with the introvert label instead of shy! For us introverts, extroverts can often come across as obnoxious - so it goes to show you how perception plays a role in this. The truth is, it takes all types for the world to go round.
This sounds like me when I was a kid/teenager. People would always say I was so shy. I didn’t feel shy, I was just taking things in, thinking before speaking - imagine that in today’s society! As I get older (in my 20’s now) I find that I no longer get labeled shy but am often referred to by friends and being thoughtful, contemplative and keeping cool in a stressful situation. People come to me for advice a lot, because they know I will listen and actually think about my response. Our personalities have a way of working themselves out as we grow into ourselves. She may also be a “highly sensitive” person, which I am. This means we have a high perception of details in any situation, we are taking in little cues and nuances that others are overlooking. Very perceptive, which sometimes makes us so caught up we forget to say anything.
To be honest, it is probably an advantage that she is not overly concerned with the social scene; it will keep her out of trouble. Perhaps she will feel at ease with people her age who already share her interests, such as a writing club or something along those lines. More laid back people where she doesn’t feel like she going to be embarrassed or humiliated if she says the wrong thing. Also, she may want to hone in a talent as an icebreaker. Perhaps a foreign language or musical talent that she can show or discuss with people. Something like oragami, so she can keep paper on hand and make people her age little birds the next time she is at a social event. She will have attention, without feeling like she has too constantly speak. She can show her personality with things other than words too.
BTW I feel that teens like this often blossom in college - where they are able to persue what interests them and be around others who have the same interests, aside from the social pressures of high school.

 

[February]

Also, if you are in the USA I have noticed when I lived in the US that shyness is seen as a personality defect and something to be overcome at all costs. I am not American and so I see this as cultural because where I grew up shyness (unless ongoing and excessive) was not seen as a problem at all. Just a natural thing. She may just need more time to adjust.

I think you’re right about that. When I was in school, so much emphasis was placed on leadership, whereas in other countries working as a team is emphasized. Sometimes shyer people work better as a team and in small groups. I mean, what exactly is going to be accomplished in a room full of leaders?

Your daughter sounds smart, beautiful, and unique. Why can’t she hang out with one or two people or in a small group? It would probably be easier for her to make friends on an individual basis rather than sticking her in a big group of people and expecting her to socialize, especially if she feels that she doesn’t have much in common with them. Are there activities that coincide with her interests that would be conducive to this?

 

[garyr]

GG and AngloCatholic1,

get your teens involved in a speech or debate club (toastmasters, gavel club, rotary, or something similar). Your teens are probably ‘starving’ to develop these type skills, and they won’t learn them from just ‘hanging around other ‘undirected’ teens’ - at least not the skills you want them to. They may object or refuse at first, but once they ‘get over’ the initial reluctance (first 2 or 3 meetings), you won’t be able to hold them back. I have been amazed to see the results of a wide range of types of kiddos that go thru this ( I have 5, each different, and their friends as well). My teens now lecture at church- and it’s 2nd nature to them!

 

[gardenswithkids]

On another thread a while back someone linked this article that might be helpful on things extroverts should know about introverts. briankim.net/blog/2007/10/top-5-things-every-extrovert-should-know-about-introverts/

…Also, if you are in the USA I have noticed when I lived in the US that shyness is seen as a personality defect and something to be overcome at all costs. I am not American and so I see this as cultural because where I grew up shyness (unless ongoing and excessive) was not seen as a problem at all. Just a natural thing. She may just need more time to adjust.

Of course to function successfully in society and her chosen career she does need to learn how to interact and feel confident when talking to people she doesn’t know and maybe that is how you can frame it for her. …She probably lacks some skills in terms of how to approach people and what to do when they approach her so maybe just some practical behavioral techniques would do the trick.

Interesting and helpful perspective! I have heard the US described as being a generally extroverted culture compared to many other cultures. Not everyone living in the US is naturally extroverted–some may come by it naturally but others often find they need learn it to be successful.

Just like other skills, the “people skills” and techniques associated with extroversion can be aquired even if someone doesn’t naturally possess them. Take small talk for instance: the article points out that introverts generally dislike small talk while extroverts tend to enjoy it. Small talk does serve a purpose, especially in helping to get to know people. Most libraries in the US carry books with titles such as “The Art of Mingling” “How to Talk to Anyone” etc. I suggest that the op find a few of such books and go through them with her daughter.

 

[grace_singh]

oh, i was the same way! she may feel awkward and unhappy around other teens, and that is normal. i was agonizingly shy and self-critical for years, and hated talking to people…

she’ll grow out of it. at 25 i have a few dear and close friends now, a lot of it has to do with the maturity level of teens, and her now-natural shyness. she may never be super outgoing, but she can and will find her place socially as she gets older.

my advise : let her be shy, tell her to stop beating herself up so much over it, and that it takes all types. my mom was often trying to push me into social scenes and group activities, and all i wanted to do was disappear into a corner of the library with a book on Frida Kahlo. it’s ok to be shy, and it’s ok to be ok with being shy. not everyone is outgoing, and chances are that as she gets older, a lot of the social anxiety will lessen.

does she get along better with guys than girls? what about kids at Mass?

JMJ

I am a mother of a shy teen. She is very outgoing within our family at home with her brothers and sisters, but really dislikes being with other teens. She does not enjoy the immaturity of the "teen scene’, acting goofy, and senseless conversations about make-up, boys, and rock music. When at a social event, she often prefers to be all alone, but it hurts me to see her appearing so unhappy. She feels very nervous if someone tries to talk to her or asks questions, so she struggles finding the words to say, and then she feels that they think she is stupid. She is an excellent student, an artist, a writer, and has many varied interests. If she would only be able to conquer this fear, I know that she would be able to befriend many people and be a very precious friend, as she is a very unique person. I was wondering if anyone could recommend a book that would help her, preferably by a Catholic/Christian author. Any websites, any helpful info would be appreciated. Thank you. God bless!

 

[Augusta_Sans]

I was very much like your daughter. I can’t recommend summer camps highly enough. They provide a structured opportunity to make new friends with shared interests.