Need help getting a man out of my head

[mellowcalico]

This is so frustrating for me and I hoped maybe some of you could help or offer advice. Unfortunately, my non-Catholic friends just don’t “get it” because in their eyes I am divorced and haven’t dated in years. They think I should date and I should “move on.”

I am divorced. My husband left me three years ago and soon came out of the closet. He’s living with his lover now as a couple. I started the annulment process about two years ago and it’s still ongoing. In that time I’ve re-met a man from my past (he knew me and my husband when we were married). He’s divorced too and lives out of town–but in a town that I visit a lot (so I see him every time I am out there). This man treats me very well and is just plain kind and gentlemanly towards me and flirts with me a lot. Despite my best intentions, I’ve developed feelings for him. I get hints from him that he might be interested in me too from putting his hand on my back when we walk, when I greet him with a hug he kind of holds on to me longer and sometimes sighs, and lately he’s been sending me playful and teasing messages–some with very slight sexual innuendo . One of his best friends told me that this man is just plain happier when I am in town and around.

I’ve been holding back as best I can, but I am only human and I can’t help how I feel. Luckily, if he’s interested in me, he’s been taking things slowly too (and who knows, maybe he’s not even really interested in me–maybe I am projecting how I feel and seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe he only sees me as a good friend or too far away to be serious about).

Add to all this that I am in this horrible limbo as I wait to hear from the Tribunal. I try to ignore him and put him out of my mind–but it doesn’t work for long and I start thinking about him again or he reaches out to me when he hasn’t heard from me. I pray the Rosary and ask that I can get him out of my heart, but I just can’t shake the feelings.

I’ve thought about cutting all contact with him completely, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. And to be fair, I don’t think I can do that either–I feel like someone with an addiction in that respect. And add to that, my annulment process (I think… I hope) is almost over. I’ve had three different priests tell me I have a strong case (two of whom encouraged me to start the process) and I know my case is at the last stage because the Tribunal sent me a letter (my case is at the appeal/ratification process). Basically my diocese issued an “affirmative sentence” and it was sent to a neighboring diocese for review.

Any thoughts or help anyone can give. I am so torn. Thanks!

 

[PennyinCanada]

Even if you were never married, he is divorced. That’s another whole issue, isn’t it?

 

[mellowcalico]

No, he’s not Catholic, he doesn’t practice any religion, but he was raised Methodist. His marriage was before a justice of the peace–civil ceremony.

But he knows I am Catholic and is very good about changing his schedule and helping me get to Mass when I am in his town (he drives me around so I don’t have to rent a car). So he’s respectful of my religion. My family is very mixed when it comes to Christianity (my grandparents, for example, were Catholic, Lutheran, Methodist, and Presbyterian and the family even deviated from that a little. On top of that, my husband who left me is Catholic. My point is, I have no issues with a non-Catholic man as long as he is a good man.

And yes, this man is divorced too and that would open it’s own can of worms if anything got serious (but right now it’s just me and my feelings, so that’s putting the cart way ahead of the horse). But yes, if we did ever get serious, he would have to be willing to file for an annulment as well–which I think is hard for non-Catholics to understand. But again, cart/horse…

But it’s probably worth it to note that most men my age who are single are divorced (both Catholic and non-Catholic), so it’s something that I will most likely have to face assuming my marriage is found null.

 

[CatholicRaven]

Sounds like you appreciate the way he treats you; what woman wouldn’t want to feel attractive, adored, and pursued?

I agree with PennyinCanada, though–if he’s divorced, you may have another problem besides the fact that you are not currently available. He may not be available for a relationship at this point, either.

If/when your annulment is granted, then perhaps you can ask him about it to get an idea of whether it would be worth pursuing more than friendship.

For now, I’d suggest staying close to the Sacraments, praying often, and speaking to a priest about your struggles.

I will for you.

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

No, he’s not Catholic, he doesn’t practice any religion, but he was raised Methodist. His marriage was before a justice of the peace–civil ceremony.

But yes, if we did ever get serious, he would have to be willing to file for an annulment as well–which I think is hard for non-Catholics to understand. But again, cart/horse…

.

Perhaps you could find out what the status is of those Christians (not Catholic) who were in civil marriages. I have no idea if that is considered valid or not, but I’m sure it is easy to find out. I understand about the cart/horse, and you are right. But it helps to have some information.

 

[MJJean]

No, he’s not Catholic, he doesn’t practice any religion, but he was raised Methodist. His marriage was before a justice of the peace–civil ceremony.

And yes, this man is divorced too and that would open it’s own can of worms if anything got serious (but right now it’s just me and my feelings, so that’s putting the cart way ahead of the horse). But yes, if we did ever get serious, he would have to be willing to file for an annulment as well–which I think is hard for non-Catholics to understand. But again, cart/horse…

But it’s probably worth it to note that most men my age who are single are divorced (both Catholic and non-Catholic), so it’s something that I will most likely have to face assuming my marriage is found null.

The Catholic Church respects all marriages. Catholic, civil, performed by clergy of other faiths, doesn’t matter. As far as the Church is concerned, this male friend is still married to his first wife unless/until an annulment is granted.

If it were me, I’d put all my cards on the table. I would tell this man how I feel about him, ask how he feels about me, and ask if he would be wiling to get his previous marriage annulled. While waiting on a decision for his annulment, you could spend time together and date. If it heads to marriage, then he’d have his annulment (hopefully) and you’d be able to move forward. If it doesn’t head toward marriage, he’d (hopefully) have an annulment and be able to freely date and marry a Catholic should he ever desire to do so. Win-Win.

 

[robwar]

This is so frustrating for me and I hoped maybe some of you could help or offer advice. Unfortunately, my non-Catholic friends just don’t “get it” because in their eyes I am divorced and haven’t dated in years. They think I should date and I should “move on.”

I am divorced. My husband left me three years ago and soon came out of the closet. He’s living with his lover now as a couple. I started the annulment process about two years ago and it’s still ongoing. In that time I’ve re-met a man from my past (he knew me and my husband when we were married). He’s divorced too and lives out of town–but in a town that I visit a lot (so I see him every time I am out there). This man treats me very well and is just plain kind and gentlemanly towards me and flirts with me a lot. Despite my best intentions, I’ve developed feelings for him. I get hints from him that he might be interested in me too from putting his hand on my back when we walk, when I greet him with a hug he kind of holds on to me longer and sometimes sighs, and lately he’s been sending me playful and teasing messages–some with very slight sexual innuendo . One of his best friends told me that this man is just plain happier when I am in town and around.

I’ve been holding back as best I can, but I am only human and I can’t help how I feel. Luckily, if he’s interested in me, he’s been taking things slowly too (and who knows, maybe he’s not even really interested in me–maybe I am projecting how I feel and seeing things that aren’t there. Maybe he only sees me as a good friend or too far away to be serious about).

Add to all this that I am in this horrible limbo as I wait to hear from the Tribunal. I try to ignore him and put him out of my mind–but it doesn’t work for long and I start thinking about him again or he reaches out to me when he hasn’t heard from me. I pray the Rosary and ask that I can get him out of my heart, but I just can’t shake the feelings.

I’ve thought about cutting all contact with him completely, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. And to be fair, I don’t think I can do that either–I feel like someone with an addiction in that respect. And add to that, my annulment process (I think… I hope) is almost over. I’ve had three different priests tell me I have a strong case (two of whom encouraged me to start the process) and I know my case is at the last stage because the Tribunal sent me a letter (my case is at the appeal/ratification process). Basically my diocese issued an “affirmative sentence” and it was sent to a neighboring diocese for review.

Any thoughts or help anyone can give. I am so torn. Thanks!

From the sounds of it, he would probably have to go through the annulment process too if you finally get your annulment and are free. It’s very natural to develop romantic feeling towards someone when they treat you kindly and are just fun to be around. I would probably inquire with the people you are already dealing with about his situation and ask him if he was truly feeling the same way, if he would be willing to go through the annulment process with you. How does he feel about the Catholic Church? Would he be supportive of you in your participation in going to Mass etc. Try to explore those issues with him because in reality if he is not supportive or even willing to join the Catholic Church will be the determinant of how well you and him would do if this relationship gets more serious. It’s easy to get caught up in the emotions especially on a rebound after the divorce. Try to focus on would you being Catholic and he isn’t and what that would really mean in the long run if you two were to get together.

 

[Dnice]

The Catholic Church respects all marriages. Catholic, civil, performed by clergy of other faiths, doesn’t matter. As far as the Church is concerned, this male friend is still married to his first wife unless/until an annulment is granted.

Is this really true? I thought the marriage was not considered valid by the Catholic Church unless it was performed by a priest. If anyone can get married anywhere and have it valid in the Church, why get married by a priest? Why not just skip Pre-Cana and go to City Hall?

And if the marriage was not valid in the eyes of the Church, he would not need an annulment.

 

[VivienneJ]

Is this really true? I thought the marriage was not considered valid by the Catholic Church unless it was performed by a priest. If anyone can get married anywhere and have it valid in the Church, why get married by a priest? Why not just skip Pre-Cana and go to City Hall?

And if the marriage was not valid in the eyes of the Church, he would not need an annulment.

A Catholic must get married in the Catholic church by a Catholic priest, or be granted a dispensation to be married elsewhere and by a different clergy.

Marriages of all other types, religious or civil, are also considered valid by the Catholic Church.

In this case, both parties would need to have their previous marriages annulled before they could be married in the Catholic Church.

 

[mellowcalico]

Thanks for the answers so far… you are all so kind (and thanks for offering to pray for me as well).

I understand the obstacles if there is ever a relationship (or could ever be one). No amount of logical arguments can override my emotions toward him. Trust me, I’ve told myself those things over and over again. And to be fair, it could all just be in my own head (like I said, he could just see me as a good friend and the romantic notions are just me projecting my own feelings for him onto his behavior in the hopes of seeing something there). It’s just hard because he is so kind and treats me so well… he also seems protective of me, flirts with me, is supportive of me, confides in me, and treats me to dinners, movies, etc when I am in town. And, frankly, he’s a handsome man too.

Right now, more than anything I want to stop having those kind of feelings for him–I want to dial it back, but I can’t do that. I’ve been trying and praying to be free of these feelings for months and it only gets worse. It’s just so hard to control them and that’s been my struggle. At least I’ve been able to control my actions–but temptation is certainly there and I can’t shake it

 

[MJJean]

Is this really true? I thought the marriage was not considered valid by the Catholic Church unless it was performed by a priest. If anyone can get married anywhere and have it valid in the Church, why get married by a priest? Why not just skip Pre-Cana and go to City Hall?

And if the marriage was not valid in the eyes of the Church, he would not need an annulment.

As I said, the Church respects all marriages and considers all marriages valid until shown otherwise. Trust me, I have researched this extensively and had a few conversations with my priest about it while resolving my own situation.

I was married in a civil ceremony, to an un-Baptized Pagan no less, years before I ever thought about being Catholic. After the divorce I remarried to a non-practicing cradle Catholic in another civil ceremony.

According to the Church, my first marriage is valid until proven otherwise. And my current marriage is NOT valid because A) I was previously married and did not get an annulment through the Church and B) my husband was a Baptized Catholic at the time of our marriage and did not marry me in the Catholic Church or seek a dispensation, which wouldn’t have been granted anyways since I didn’t have the Church annul the first marriage.

A Catholic must get married in the Catholic church by a Catholic priest, or be granted a dispensation to be married elsewhere and by a different clergy.

Marriages of all other types, religious or civil, are also considered valid by the Catholic Church.

In this case, both parties would need to have their previous marriages annulled before they could be married in the Catholic Church.

Yup.

Thanks for the answers so far… you are all so kind (and thanks for offering to pray for me as well).

I understand the obstacles if there is ever a relationship (or could ever be one). No amount of logical arguments can override my emotions toward him. Trust me, I’ve told myself those things over and over again. And to be fair, it could all just be in my own head (like I said, he could just see me as a good friend and the romantic notions are just me projecting my own feelings for him onto his behavior in the hopes of seeing something there). It’s just hard because he is so kind and treats me so well… he also seems protective of me, flirts with me, is supportive of me, confides in me, and treats me to dinners, movies, etc when I am in town. And, frankly, he’s a handsome man too.

Right now, more than anything I want to stop having those kind of feelings for him–I want to dial it back, but I can’t do that. I’ve been trying and praying to be free of these feelings for months and it only gets worse. It’s just so hard to control them and that’s been my struggle. At least I’ve been able to control my actions–but temptation is certainly there and I can’t shake it

Really, talk to him openly and honestly to find out what is going on in his head. Considering the time it takes to get an annulment, if you are both on the same page as far as feelings go, he’d want to get started asap.

I don’t see anything wrong with admitting your feelings and platonic dating until the marriage issues are totally resolved.

 

[angeldia30]

I think that it’s a beautiful friendship that’s forming and you should go for it! Of course, not until you’re annulment has been officially accepted and you’re free again to marry…I would just let it see where it goes …I would be open to this friendship becoming something more if it so happens to work out that way I’ll pray for you! Good luck!

P.S. There’s nothing wrong with spending time with a good friend and spending time with him often…just can’t get serious until you’re free to marry

 

[Dnice]

As I said, the Church respects all marriages and considers all marriages valid until shown otherwise. Trust me, I have researched this extensively and had a few conversations with my priest about it while resolving my own situation.

I was married in a civil ceremony, to an un-Baptized Pagan no less, years before I ever thought about being Catholic. After the divorce I remarried to a non-practicing cradle Catholic in another civil ceremony.

According to the Church, my first marriage is valid until proven otherwise. And my current marriage is NOT valid because A) I was previously married and did not get an annulment through the Church and B) my husband was a Baptized Catholic at the time of our marriage and did not marry me in the Catholic Church or seek a dispensation, which wouldn’t have been granted anyways since I didn’t have the Church annul the first marriage.

Thanks for the clarification and sorry OP, I am not trying to hijack your thread but I have one more question on this matter and the folks responding here know their stuff . If a baptized (non-practicing, although I don’t think that matters) Catholic gets married outside of the Church (say by a Justice of the Peace) and then gets divorced, is that marriage recognized by the Church as being valid and thus the person could not get married in the Catholic Church?

 

[angeldia30]

From what I know about this situation is this: If you get married by Justice of the Peace then you get married in the Catholic Church- divorcing him later-by a civic court- wouldn’t be recognized by the Catholic Church. In other words, the only way to be ‘free to marry’ according to God would be if you got an annulment and it goes through a Tribunal in Rome. So, even though you’re divorced by the state, according to God you’re still married. (that’s why the annulment is necessary.) But this is what I’ve surmised from your question…

 

[Ed_Silvia]

Our divine Lord ordered us to watch the signs of the times.
I can’t help but think we may be at Matthew 24 verse 8
I don’t expect to be thrown to the lions this week but the Egyptian christians may feel like their at verse 9.

Matthew 24 : 6 And ye shall hear of wars and rumours of wars: see that ye be not troubled: for all these things must come to pass, but the end is not yet.
7 For nation shall rise against nation, and kingdom against kingdom: and there shall be famines, and pestilences, and earthquakes, in divers places.
8 All these are the beginning of sorrows.
9 Then shall they deliver you up to be afflicted, and shall kill you: and ye shall be hated of all nations for my name’s sake.
10 And then shall many be offended, and shall betray one another, and shall hate one another.
11 And many false prophets shall rise, and shall deceive many.
12 And because iniquity shall abound, the love of many shall wax cold.
13 But he that shall endure unto the end, the same shall be saved.

Peace
Ed

 

[MJJean]

Thanks for the clarification and sorry OP, I am not trying to hijack your thread but I have one more question on this matter and the folks responding here know their stuff . If a baptized (non-practicing, although I don’t think that matters) Catholic gets married outside of the Church (say by a Justice of the Peace) and then gets divorced, is that marriage recognized by the Church as being valid and thus the person could not get married in the Catholic Church?

All marriages are presumed valid until proven otherwise. In the case you use as an example, the Baptized Catholic has a Lack of Form case. For a Baptized Catholic, marrying outside the Church without a dispensation from their Bishop is seen as an invalid marriage. All the divorced Catholic has to do is submit some paperwork showing they were married in a civil ceremony without dispensation and then divorced and the tribunal will nullify the marriage. Usually, the process is pretty fast. Here it takes about 3-12 weeks.

From what I know about this situation is this: If you get married by Justice of the Peace then you get married in the Catholic Church- divorcing him later-by a civic court- wouldn’t be recognized by the Catholic Church. In other words, the only way to be ‘free to marry’ according to God would be if you got an annulment and it goes through a Tribunal in Rome. So, even though you’re divorced by the state, according to God you’re still married. (that’s why the annulment is necessary.) But this is what I’ve surmised from your question…

Nope.

Yes, all marriages are presumed valid until proven otherwise by a tribunal.

Yes, if one married in a civil ceremony and then convalidates through the Church the annulment process is a little more complicated than a regular lack of form case.

But, no, it does not have to go through Rome. At least not in the U.S. Here, it goes through the local diocese tribunal and then is reviewed and either granted or denied through another tribunal. Now, if one tribunal finds in favor of annulment and the other finds the previous marriage valid, the case would be sent to Rome for a final decision if the person who applied for annulment wishes to continue.

 

[joy0602]

I would avoid seeing this man at this time. Since your struggling so badly with temptation, it seems a clear warning sign that you should avoid this occasion of sin. Only when you are free should you consider seeing him again, and even then you have to know ahead of time whether his intentions are marriage or otherwise, and whether or not he needs/ would get his own annulment. So you’d have to back off until then as well.

 

[Ed_Silvia]

I apologize for my erroneous post. I had two bowers open.

My wife had her 1st marriage annulled. I feel your pain. My only advise is don’t compromise your faith for any human being.

Peace
Ed

 

[bsf]

If I were this guy you have been seeing, I would rather you tell me these things than keep them bottled up. I think a frank discussion with him would be healthy for both of you. It is possible he is the best person to help you decide how to proceed. Just keep God first.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

Thanks for the clarification and sorry OP, I am not trying to hijack your thread but I have one more question on this matter and the folks responding here know their stuff . If a baptized (non-practicing, although I don’t think that matters) Catholic gets married outside of the Church (say by a Justice of the Peace) and then gets divorced, is that marriage recognized by the Church as being valid and thus the person could not get married in the Catholic Church?

A Catholic is required to marry in Catholic form. The only way a Catholic can marry outside of a Catholic Church is to have the appropriate dispensation(s) from the bishop. No dispensation means no valid marriage.

However, even though the marriage is not recognized as valid by the Church, in order for the person to remarry, they must be legally able to be able to marry under the civil laws of the country they area located in (at least in the U.S.). A person in an invalid marriage that is legally married under the civil laws of the state cannot remarry; the must produce the divorce decree.