Need help, have blackened soul

  • Thread starter Thread starter sdegutis
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
S

sdegutis

Guest
Hello. I’m in a very confusing situation.

I am Catholic but in a position where I cannot take the sacraments. I am working toward being able to but the situation will only change in time, it is out of my control.

But my heart is blackened and evil. I often have desires that I know are contrary to God, and they overcome me several times a week. I give in to grave evil, with full consent and full knowledge of the situation. I have been told that I may have diminished responsibility because I had these evil problems for many years before I became a Christian, and that only God knows my heart, but I know my own heart too, and I know that I’m giving in willingly and not overcoming as Jesus asked me to.

What are some ways I can overcome this evil within me? I know one of the biggest ways is to take the sacraments, but until I can do that, I need other ways. I have been learning the Rosary this week and praying it and that seems to help until the point that I no longer can pray it because of other responsibilities; as soon as I finish praying it, the evil comes upon me again and it feels impossible to resist, so I end up giving in. I have prayed many many prayers and gone to an adoration chapel as often as I responsibly can. I am civilly married with 3 children, and I can’t just spend all of my time in the church or the perpetual adoration chapel.

I’m afraid for my soul. I see that I’m getting more evil by the day. I know that I’m in opposition to God, and even though I am trying to want to love Him with all my heart and soul and mind, I don’t yet. My soul is fighting against me, wanting to keep me from praying or reading the Bible, and it takes all of my energy to force myself to do those, even though I know I desperately need to. What else can I do for help?
 
sdegutis said:
But my heart is blackened and evil. I often have desires that I know are contrary to God, and they overcome me several times a week.

I’m afraid for my soul. I see that I’m getting more evil by the day. I know that I’m in opposition to God, and even though I am trying to want to love Him with all my heart and soul and mind, I don’t yet. My soul is fighting against me, wanting to keep me from praying or reading the Bible, and it takes all of my energy to force myself to do those, even though I know I desperately need to. What else can I do for help?
Click to expand...
First, :hug1: and :crossrc: for you sdegutis.

I’m sure your heart isn’t “blackened and evil.” It sounds like you are very remorseful and are having a hard time dealing with temptation. Trust me, we’ve all been there. I can feel the pain in your words, I’ve felt that shame and almost helpless feeling too.

Go to confession. It will help! :yup: Go every week if you have to, just make sure you get there. Jesus will give you strength through this wonderful sacrament. Then you may receive Holy Eucharist and that will strengthen you too.

Also, pray the chaplet of Divine Mercy. (See my signature for a link all about it.) Jesus said the greater the sinner, the more that person is worthy of Jesus’ mercy. Here is the optional closing prayer from the chaplet:

Eternal God, in whom mercy is endless and the treasury of compassion - inexhaustible, look kindly upon us and increase your mercy in us, that in difficult moments we might not despair nor become despondent, but with great confidence submit ourselves to your holy will, which is love and mercy itself, Amen.

One last thing: you said (quoted above) that your soul is fighting against you. Your soul is not the one fighting against you, your soul is what is good! Pray the Hail Mary the second you start feeling tempted, and ask your guardian angel to pray for you too.
 
The ONLY Thing you Need, my friend, is to see a Priest, and ** Confession**. Nothing Else. :blessyou: Contact your or A Catholic Church, and BRIEFLY tell of your situation. I did, gone 40 Years from The Church. A Retired Priest (There are Many) heard my lengthy Confession in his Apartment, and I FELT Forgiven/Guilt Free By Christ. Ask for a Priest ‘In Residence’ (Retired or Handicapped) is Best. Each of You will be Mightily Blessed! Hearing a Long-term Confession is Every Priest’s Dream.
 
Confession Is The Cure. There is No Other. The Guilt is Removed Totally; how to manage The Problems is The Result. The Eucharist Is The salvation; Strength Of The Lord. :highprayer:
 
What I’m saying, though, is that I cannot go to Confession. That is a Sacrament and I cannot receive Absolution until this other situation is resolved, but that’s out of my control, I cannot speed the process. Which means, for at least a week or two, I won’t be able to go to Confession. I know that half a month seems short, and it is. But this is a daily struggle I have, to fight the urge to commit mortal sins.
 
sdegutis said:
What I’m saying, though, is that I cannot go to Confession. That is a Sacrament and I cannot receive Absolution until this other situation is resolved, but that’s out of my control, I cannot speed the process. Which means, for at least a week or two, I won’t be able to go to Confession. I know that half a month seems short, and it is. But this is a daily struggle I have, to fight the urge to commit mortal sins.
Click to expand...
ANY Sin can be foregiven, when the Cause of the Sin is Abandoned. When Living-together, the Priest requires Stopping Living In Sin. I, Others have been there. (I found out That way what Sins Retained Is; until Living In Sin is stopped). Not as difficult as may seem; some of the Greatest Saints Had Addictions; Many of us Do. Prayers, And Determination to Stop, aided by a Priest’s Counsel Is the Solution I and Many have Found. Maybe it’ll take a couple of Confession Visits, friend! Fear Not! God Bless You, Friend. Only a Priest (Christ’s Agent on Earth) can advise on Cure, Absolution. We’re Praying for You!
 
sdegutis said:
What I’m saying, though, is that I cannot go to Confession. That is a Sacrament and I cannot receive Absolution until this other situation is resolved, but that’s out of my control, I cannot speed the process. Which means, for at least a week or two, I won’t be able to go to Confession. I know that half a month seems short, and it is. But this is a daily struggle I have, to fight the urge to commit mortal sins.
Click to expand...
There’s a bottom line here, my friend! But I hate to offend by bluntness… but I’m going to risk it. The bottom line here is - do you really want that forgiveness, to convert your life and change your ways? Oh, I dont doubt that you are sincere in what you have written, but, you know, and please dwell on this for a few moments - sometimes we are the last to know what we really want! yes, that sounds rediculous, I know, but we are very good at kidding our selves we are full of good intent, when we undermine that intent quite deliberately by claiming to be out of control of our actions!

There is another point. Guilt is a means of making a sin against God unforgivable! Are you really ready for God’s forgiveness… or would you prefer to dwell in your guilt, feel dispair, and use that as an excuse to backslide into sin?

But you don’t say what actions you are tempted to do. It may well be that if it involves addiction you are not doing anything with full consent, and, therefore, not as ‘evil & blackened’ as you may judge yourself to be.

One very important thing - if you allow your sense of guilt to be greater than you allow God’s forgiveness, then you make yourself greater than God, and you are at risk of rejecting the Holy Spirit. Believe me, it is much safer to accept forgiveness!

Apologies if I’m hitting the wrong targets here.
 
You mention you are civilly married and I suspect that is why you cannot receive sacraments. What else can you do? In addition to praying, study, read the saints, try to build your relationship with Jesus. Do as much as you can and ask God to increase your desire and time for them. Do you ever listen to spiritual music? That can help too and you may be able to do it while attending to other duties. Also, short prayers in your head while you attend your other duties will not take up extra time.

If you are in current sin, ask for forgiveness directly to God, ask for help and forgiveness and mercy. Read Psalm 51. David did some awful things and he repented and was forgiven.

God loves you. Feel free to send me a private message if you like if this is a civil marriage situation. I have been there and am happy to talk with you. You just click on a person’s name and then click into Send private message.
 
Just to give a little more context to my situation…

I was baptized Catholic and had first communion as a young child. Very soon afterwards, I lost my faith and became agnostic for almost the next two decades.

During that time, I got married and had three wonderful children. Needless to say, we were not married in a Church, only in a court.

A year ago, I became a Christian, but I didn’t yet know that the Catholic Church had the fullness of the Gospel. So my family and I attended a local Protestant church, not really knowing any better yet, but still continuing my research in the meantime. Over the past year I have found that the Catholic Church is the true church.

So I am trying to reconcile with the Catholic Church. But we found out that I cannot receive any sacraments until our marriage is received into the Church sacramentally through a priest of God.

During the past two decades though, I have been struggling with some of the worst sins ever. The kind where, if I had taken Jesus’ suggestions literally, I would right now be so mutilated that I would simply be a torso.

They haunt me almost every day. I live in fear because no matter how hard I try to avoid sinning and no matter how firmly I resolve not to sin, it keeps happening. Over time, my mind gets so clouded, that not only do I sin knowing I’m very likely going to be arrested and knowing all the people and saints and angels I’m hurting, but knowing that I’m offending God and forfeiting salvation. My mind gets so clouded that I keep being convinced of the lie that the sin is worth all of that. I know it’s not true, but I get convinced so easily of it sometimes, and I don’t fully know why.

The only explanation I can think of is that the past two decades of doing evil all the time have greatly corrupted my soul. My reading of St. Thomas Aquinas seems to confirm that this is very likely the cause, as I’ve developed bad habits which are changing my character and furthering me into sin.

It’s so bad though that I feel like I probably need God’s special graces through the sacraments to fully overcome it. In the meantime, since I can’t receive them right now, I’m trying everything I can do to overcome it just long enough to get our marriage situation worked out. It’s only a measly 2 to 4 weeks away, depending on how long the paperwork takes to go through, but that’s plenty of time for Satan to drag me to Hell. And I’m terrified.
 
:hug1:

You are trying to come closer to God and to the Church, and to be able to receive the Sacraments… of course the enemy would tempt you especially at this time. Don’t blame yourself for being weak, we are all so weak without God’s grace in the Sacraments. During this time, try to pray a lot. Try to go to Adoration… go to Mass even if you can’t receive Communion, just sit in the pew. The Mass gives us blessings. Maybe ask a good priest to say some prayers for you. Use holy water. I would really suggest praying the Rosary every day… I know this can be daunting, but it can also help - though the enemy would still tempt you, - you might have more strength. The Rosary is very very powerful especially when prayed regularly. If you find you don’t have time, try to wake up earlier and pray then. Start every day with prayer.

Be patient with yourself… St Padre Pio said that the Holy Spirit gives us repentance and contrition, but the devil likes to make us feel angry at ourselves… or also, disappointed, discouraged… of course we are weak! this doesn’t excuse our sins, but trust in God’s mercy to help you be better. Really try to trust in Him, this would help. There’s a book that really helped me, it’s called ‘Consoling the Heart of Jesus’ by Fr Michael Gaitley, it’s all about trust and growing in holiness. You might also like “Divine Mercy in My Soul”. Here are some quotes from the book: catholic-forum.com/churches/cathteach/divinemercy1.htm

Remember we need God’s grace to grow and to overcome sin… we can’t do this on our own. Be humble, patient, trusting, and repentant… this would bring you closer to God and the enemy would have less power over you. Try to love God and then you won’t want to sin, because you wouldn’t want to offend Him. Ask to love God more. Ask Mary for this… when you remember your sins, trust in Jesus’ mercy, repent and tell Him “Lord have pity on me because I’m nothing but a poor sinner”. Remember He loves you so much… He would not let you go. He also sees that you want to fight these sins… that is a great grace. Ask God and Mary and any Saints to help you with this. (I think great Saints to pray to are St John Vianney, St Padre Pio, St Therese, St Philomena, St Gemma, and St Rita).

God bless you! prayers for you 🙂
 
What’s the point? I can’t receive forgiveness from God for probably around a month. I have faith in God, but I don’t have faith in myself. I’m getting more and more evil by the day. I’m destroying my own life. What’s the point? Life is hell, and so will the afterlife also probably be.
 
sdegutis said:
Hello. I’m in a very confusing situation.

I am Catholic but in a position where I cannot take the sacraments. I am working toward being able to but the situation will only change in time, it is out of my control.
Click to expand...
Confession is your answer, IMO, what is making this out of your control? You can always go to confession, regardless of your marital situation.
 
Start each day with some time with God in prayer and reading the Bible. Saying a decade of the Rosary is an easy thing to do. And, it is important not to neglect the Bible.

Find time before the end of the day to have another session with God whether you are tempted or not. Do these two sessions every day.

In between, use the prayer to St. Michael or a quick “faith affirmation” from scripture. My favorite comes from Isaiah: “In the Lord have I righteousness and strength.”
 
Julia_Mae said:
Confession is your answer, IMO, what is making this out of your control? You can always go to confession, regardless of your marital situation.
Click to expand...
No, you can’t always. Several local priests instructed me not to because we aren’t married in the Church yet, and therefore until we are married in the Church, we are living in “perpetual sin.”
 
sdegutis said:
No, you can’t always. Several local priests instructed me not to because we aren’t married in the Church yet, and therefore until we are married in the Church, we are living in “perpetual sin.”
Click to expand...
You can still go and have a meeting with a priest and talk to him. I just think it would be a good thing for you to not feel isolated in these feelings and experiences.
 
sdegutis said:
Hello. I’m in a very confusing situation.

I am Catholic but in a position where I cannot take the sacraments. I am working toward being able to but the situation will only change in time, it is out of my control.

But my heart is blackened and evil. I often have desires that I know are contrary to God, and they overcome me several times a week. I give in to grave evil, with full consent and full knowledge of the situation.
What are some ways I can overcome this evil within me? I know one of the biggest ways is to take the sacraments, but until I can do that, I need other ways. I have been learning the Rosary this week and praying it and that seems to help until the point that I no longer can pray it because of other responsibilities…
Click to expand...
Purchase a brown scapular, have it blessed by a priest, and wear it night and day except when showering or bathing. Persevere in it, and it should help lessen your temptations. Nothing will be an instant fix, just like medicine for bacterial infections need to be taken steadily over time, for example, this will need to be worn steadily and will have a slow steady effect. A day or so after first putting it on you might notice strong temptation; do not let this discourage you for this is merely the adversary trying to convince you that the brown scapular is useless - ignore it, fight through that initial temptation, and everything should get better slowly but surely. Pray when you can - at least an Our Father and a Hail Mary when arising and when going to sleep if you remember to, and hopefully as you find inner peace you will be able to pray more and return to the sacraments with joyful peace.

God bless you.
 
Julia_Mae said:
Confession is your answer, IMO, what is making this out of your control? You can always go to confession, regardless of your marital situation.
Click to expand...
sdegutis said:
No, you can’t always. Several local priests instructed me not to because we aren’t married in the Church yet, and therefore until we are married in the Church, we are living in “perpetual sin.”
Click to expand...
I’m no canon law expert, but from other threads I’ve read here at CAF, I would think that if you and your wife live as “brother and sister” until your marriage is recognized by the Church, then you would be able to receive the sacrament of reconciliation. I could be wrong though, so I guess go with what your priest says. :o

In the meantime, pray the chaplet of Divine Mercy. Jesus knows where your heart is and knows you want to reconcile and receive his forgiveness and grace. :hug1:
 
Ditto to living as brother and sister. Get scapular, blessed miraculous medal, pray to Mary, Michael, St Philomena, all the while resting in Christ and His sacred heart. Those guys will kick Satan out…

I was abused as a child and I remember knowing angels and Jesus and Mary were there and loved all of us even the abuser infinitely even while she did this; they hated the sin b loved her more than any human love, and of course me too…yet hated what she did. Ok so just immediately turn to God. He’s not like a schooleacher that says “how many times do I have to tell you…” just admit the sin and repent. He loves you right now Do it in confession right away by living as brother and sister…and repent always to him any time during the day if you can’t get to confession right then.

And pray for the grace from the Holy spirit to hate sin and stop doing it.

Praying for you.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top