Need help in dating from the married

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What a horrible thing for the friend to tell you. That will forever taint how you view his bride and marriage. Its pretty much the opposite of what a man if character would say.
 
We don’t know the OP or his friend enough to make indictments against their character…
 
You are right we only know what is told to us. And what was told was not exactly flattering.
 
Well , i wanted to ask if there were couples here who got married only to realise there was no sexual chemistry after marriage.
 
I’m sure that’s happened. But to seek it out is a recipie for failure. It sounds like there is something much larger than the question here.
 
What? We have a great friendship and I can see how in love with her he is. I’m honored to be invited to their wedding, will be the first wedding I’ve been invited to by a peer. I don’t see anything wrong with what he’s done, it takes courage to be honest and vulnerable with someone.
 
anon91549587 said:
Because your humility needs work.
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Hmmm…I don’t get your point.

You asked about dating someone you aren’t attracted to, because you felt dating someone you were attracted to would lead you to sin (paraphrasing, here).

Many have responded to say that is flawed thinking (again, praphrasing, here).

My post was more direct than some. Sinning is a choice. It doesn’t matter what the sin is, just choose not to sin. Pretty basic, wouldn’t you say?

Where does that show a lack of humility on my part?
 
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jtwp5 said:
I talked with a friend about this and asked if he was initially physically attracted to his girlfriend when they first met and he said no. Now they’re engaged and I’m going to his wedding this summer.
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Not being initially attracted is not the same as marrying someone you’re not attracted to. When I met my wife I was discerning religious life and was not physically attracted to her at all. It’s not that she wasn’t pretty, I just wasn’t looking around with those eyes.

We became friends and I saw something unique and special about her, and my attraction to her developed. By the time we were married she was the most attractive person I’d ever seen, and now (after two kids and a streak of grey hair) she is much more attractive than she was then. Of course my love and appreciation for her goes far beyond physical attraction, but it helps me keep my eyes turned towards all of her wonderful qualities.

Attraction can grow over time and it can diminish. There is a lot of pain that can come from diminishing attraction, so best not to start off in the danger zone!

As for sin before marriage, there was a lot of it. There has been sin after marriage, too. That isn’t gonna just go away, and it is why we have prayer and Confession; sin is a life-long struggle, not a youthful phase. No sense making things more difficult by adding a stale marriage into the equation.

Peace and God bless!
 
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Hoosier-Daddy said:
And it gets uglier for both people.
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My wife and I agree that, whichever of us is left behind by one of our inevitable deaths, we are not remotely interested in going through the dating process again. It was tough enough learning to share the bathroom the first time.
 
My husband and I have had this EXACT conversation. Except ours was about toilet paper rolls…😉

OP: Adding to the chorus of voices that says you shouldn’t date someone you aren’t attracted to. If you can’t control lust and this is your way of handling that, dating really should be on the back burner for a while. It doesn’t mean you’re immature, a bad person, or out of control, it means you are trying to make a wise choice for yourself and your future family. The call to marriage is just as consuming and difficult as a call to the priesthood/religious life. It’s just more popular. It’s a BIG calling and a BIG deal and not meant to be taken lightly. Splitting with a spouse or being a poor parent destroys not only yourself, your spouse, and your children, but also the community of those who are invested in (love) each of those people.
 
If you think about it many times with lust it has nothing to do with looks. There are plenty of not so great looking prostitutes out there who are paid. Also I wonder how the OP would feel if someone had him in mind when considering a relationship with someone they would not be attracted to to curb the frequency of the marital act throughout the marriage.
 
Can you date someone who doesn’t attract you physically at first? Yes, but I wouldn’t tell her that if you’d like a second date.
Can you marry someone who doesn’t attract you physically? Yes, but only if you disclose that, since physical attraction is applied in a marriage proposal. Most people would say that a proposal of marriage that did not include that information would be deceptive. The spouse would feel betrayed to find out later that there was no attraction. That information is necessary for informed consent. Sure, the person might marry you, anyway, but you can’t withhold that information once you move from “getting to know you” to courtship in earnest. It would not be ethical.
 
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Hoosier-Daddy said:
If you think about it many times with lust it has nothing to do with looks.
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I would say that lust has everything to do with the person who has the eyes and little to do with the person being objectified. To marry someone with the idea that they’re not attractive enough to be objectified is in itself demeaning, to be blunt. It is fine to marry someone and not care that she doesn’t inflame certain emotional reactions, on the theory that those are ephemeral, anyway, but it is another thing to select her specifically because she doesn’t on the theory that treating her appropriately will require less self-control. That implies that the guy is mostly concerned with not having to exert himself morally, rather than looking out for her welfare.
 
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