Need Help: Problem of Jealousy + Vocational struggle

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I’ll just get right to the point.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old I was molested by a cousin of mine. I grew up in a household where God was honored on Sundays and we prayed at dinner and that was it. Over time though as I grew up the faith died in my family and my parents became very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and after I graduated high school physically. The extremeness of it wasn’t as bad as some people that I’ve come across. I’ve never had to call the cops nor did I suffer broken bones.
I went to public school growing up and my father procrastinated and raced me through R.E. from 1st to 8th grade as I was homeschooled in it. After high school I went to a private Catholic college and after graduation and more years of healing I have been feeling very drawn to relgious life.
My issue is that I love these great women saints. However lately I have been having so much anger boil up inside me when I read the writings of St. Gertrude. Her was a nun who was sheltered, protected, cared for, she was bright, loving, and sincere and Christ said that no one else that had lived up to that point could compare to her as His Bride. Okay… the same for St. Faustina, St. Therese of Lissieux, St. Gemma, St. Catherine of Siena, these great saints God planned for before the foundation of the world. He protected them from sin, from evils, he carefully lead them on the path to sanctity. I’m not saying they were perfect but at the end of their life they sure as heck were a lot better. It makes me sooo mad because honestly why would anyone go and become a nun when Our Lord has St. Gertrude in His arms. Who can compete with that??? I desire that kind of union with God and yet I look at my life and what a mess it has been, and how deep down I feel so unloved by God, so rejected. Why didn’t He plan for me the way He planned for them?? Why do I have this desire to become like St. Gertrude or St. Faustina or St. Catherine and yet the story of my life so far is something completely opposite?? The same for any woman who wants to become a Bride of Christ… Why would He call so many women throughout history to become His Brides when inevitably He would make some of us jealous of St. Gertrude. Why are some lives carefully planned and others it seems are just an utter disaster?? I REALLY need help in this matter because it’s really been affecting my spiritual life and my perception of my life in general.
:banghead: :bighanky:
Do not be ashamed of the Cross. Crosses are the necklaces of the Lord’s Brides - not everyone receives such beautiful gifts from Jesus. The Lord’s hour of death was His hour of glory, and we get to share in His glory by suffering with Him. If the angels were capable of envy, they’be envy our sufferings. Crosses unite us to Jesus, and the more we are united to Him on Earth, the more we will be united to Him in Heaven, for the humble are exalted. Though we suffer for a little while, we will be joyful and glorious for eternity. And how great will the spouses of Jesus shine! Truly no one is worthy of Him, yet He trascends our unworthiness and insignificence, being love itself. Therefore let us trust in Him and love Him in return and ask Him to make us saint, and He will surely see to it that we are sanctified, despite our own failings and faults and limitations.
 
Do not be ashamed of the Cross. Crosses are the necklaces of the Lord’s Brides - not everyone receives such beautiful gifts from Jesus. The Lord’s hour of death was His hour of glory, and we get to share in His glory by suffering with Him. If the angels were capable of envy, they’be envy our sufferings. Crosses unite us to Jesus, and the more we are united to Him on Earth, the more we will be united to Him in Heaven, for the humble are exalted. Though we suffer for a little while, we will be joyful and glorious for eternity. And how great will the spouses of Jesus shine! Truly no one is worthy of Him, yet He trascends our unworthiness and insignificence, being love itself. Therefore let us trust in Him and love Him in return and ask Him to make us saint, and He will surely see to it that we are sanctified, despite our own failings and faults and limitations.
so true 🙂
 
These few suggestions humbly… I pray these words do good and no harm. Peace to you.

Open your heart to God. Become annihilated in God and born anew.

Do not let the devils torment and obsess you with the past and sad memories, but retain only the memories of God’s goodness who has brought you out of the pits of the sinners and their world. His divine rescue.

Lose yourself in His charity.

Give of yourself to dwell constantly with Him.

Many saints have suffered for Providence, like in the case of St. 'Saint Lydwine of Schiedam.

Her condition became so bad that at one time she had virtually come apart in three pieces.

Some of the quotes from her biography that strike me, ‘at night she wept tears of blood which froze to her cheeks’, ‘they had to bind her up in order that she should not break in pieces’, ‘Besides these ulcers in which colonies of worms fed without destroying them’, ‘Her forehead was cleft from the roots of the hair to the center of the nose; her chin dropped under the lower lip, and her mouth swelled; her right eye was extinguished, and the other became so tender that the least light caused it to bleed. She suffered also from a violent toothache, which raged sometimes for weeks and rendered her half mad;’

Every life is different trials, yet for every life the ultimate call is the same. The clear way of God.

God calls you to transcend your past and current and future sufferings, and to seek Him without comparing oneself to others but with your own whole self. Sin is so great we cannot compare in and around us, we cannot compare so we focus on God.

St. Lydwine suffered the greatest before she understood how to suffer God’s will in her sufferings, to suffer with Him rather than against.

Embrace purity… God’s purity… We all have the vocation to perfection, and invisibly or visibly God is always there providing the means in each life for it. . . The religious state is the ordinary call because it is the easiest road to perfection, because its exterior practices are of the perfect.

Embrace the means He calls you to and you will lose all that troubles you of your past, focusing on Him, and forgetting all that has troubled you and brought you to tears.

A new life of tears of joy in the Lord is the call, sake, and reason for our rescue.

We are truly made anew in Christ! He has called you out of the trash heap of the world to be a new creation with a new name!

Become that new person in Christ!

‘My heart is not like that of others, for it only rejoices in its Lord; and therefore give Him to me.’

‘I do not wish a love which may be described as for God, or in God. I cannot see those words, for and in, without their suggesting to me that something may intervene between God and me; and that is what pure and simple love, by reason of its purity and simplicity, is unable to endure. This purity and simplicity is as great as God is, for it is his own.’

‘“Know then that I despise thee and would rather choose to be condemned to hell without thee, than to possess God through thy means,” . . . Thus scorned, my self knew not what to answer, and never more had courage to assert itself;’

St. Catherine of Genoa
 
I’ll just get right to the point.
When I was about 10 or 11 years old I was molested by a cousin of mine. I grew up in a household where God was honored on Sundays and we prayed at dinner and that was it. Over time though as I grew up the faith died in my family and my parents became very abusive, verbally, emotionally, and after I graduated high school physically. The extremeness of it wasn’t as bad as some people that I’ve come across. I’ve never had to call the cops nor did I suffer broken bones.
I went to public school growing up and my father procrastinated and raced me through R.E. from 1st to 8th grade as I was homeschooled in it. After high school I went to a private Catholic college and after graduation and more years of healing I have been feeling very drawn to relgious life.
My issue is that I love these great women saints. However lately I have been having so much anger boil up inside me when I read the writings of St. Gertrude. Her was a nun who was sheltered, protected, cared for, she was bright, loving, and sincere and Christ said that no one else that had lived up to that point could compare to her as His Bride. Okay… the same for St. Faustina, St. Therese of Lissieux, St. Gemma, St. Catherine of Siena, these great saints God planned for before the foundation of the world. He protected them from sin, from evils, he carefully lead them on the path to sanctity. I’m not saying they were perfect but at the end of their life they sure as heck were a lot better. It makes me sooo mad because honestly why would anyone go and become a nun when Our Lord has St. Gertrude in His arms. Who can compete with that??? I desire that kind of union with God and yet I look at my life and what a mess it has been, and how deep down I feel so unloved by God, so rejected. Why didn’t He plan for me the way He planned for them?? Why do I have this desire to become like St. Gertrude or St. Faustina or St. Catherine and yet the story of my life so far is something completely opposite?? The same for any woman who wants to become a Bride of Christ… Why would He call so many women throughout history to become His Brides when inevitably He would make some of us jealous of St. Gertrude. Why are some lives carefully planned and others it seems are just an utter disaster?? I REALLY need help in this matter because it’s really been affecting my spiritual life and my perception of my life in general.
:banghead: :bighanky:
Read about St. Teresa of Avila.
🙂
 
I’ll just get right to the point.
My issue is that I love these great women saints. However lately I have been having so much anger boil up inside me when I read the writings of St. Gertrude. Her was a nun who was sheltered, protected, cared for, she was bright, loving, and sincere and Christ said that no one else that had lived up to that point could compare to her as His Bride. Okay… the same for St. Faustina, St. Therese of Lissieux, St. Gemma, St. Catherine of Siena, these great saints God planned for before the foundation of the world. He protected them from sin, from evils, he carefully lead them on the path to sanctity. :banghead: :bighanky:
Well, I don’t know much about St. Gertrude, but the rest on this list…they suffered so much! As a Dominican, I read a lot about Catherine of Siena. She had a very difficult route to the convent, and not much easier life after. Her family was giving her hard time, as a sister she was also constantly in troubles because of her mission, and Jesus let her carry His Wounds on her body, which was her joy but also constant pain.
Every one of us has its own way…For some of us it is easy, for others - so much harder. I am so sorry for you, but maybe in all this Jesus is showing you that your suffering is a precious gift you may offer Him for the salvation of others.
 
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