Need help with a gay friend

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bflochica5

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OK, I’ll try to make this as short and simple as I can…

I have a dear friend who was once my religion teacher. As I got older, I befriended him and his wife on a different level; they became personal mentors to me and, later, to my husband. They even asked us to be godparents to one of their children.

Then it seemed like they dropped off the face of the earth, stopped calling, etc.–which was weird, but I figured they both got super-busy at work and such, and they don’t exactly live in our neighborhood, so I didn’t think much. Until one day the wife asked me to go out with her, where she told me that her husband–my faith mentor and trusted friend, who taught me most of what I know about the Catholic faith–had come out as gay, and they were getting a divorce. He has stopped practicing his Catholic faith. This is unfathomable to me…he had a prayer area set up in his house, with a kneeler and holy pictures and candles and a Bible and a rosary…in other words, someone who took his faith very, very seriously, and was a tremendous role model for both me and my husband.

Now comes reality. My godson’s birthday is coming up soon. I haven’t seen or talked to my friend since I heard the news almost a year ago. It’s still so painful and raw for me to face. But he will obviously be at the party–he’s still very active in his children’s lives. I don’t know how to handle this on a practical level. I mean, I could just go and try to act normal–but every time I even think about the situation, I end up in tears–and that’s not even facing him. So I feel like I should try to talk to him in advance, but I don’t know what to say. More than anything, I don’t understand how he could forsake everything he once believed about our faith. In particular, it was he who introduced me to Theology of the Body, he who helped me understand the universal call to chastity. I’m not arguing with his discovery of his orientation, but I struggle with why he’s rejecting a chaste way of dealing with it.

Please help if you can…and thanks for listening…
 
I’m sorry you feel so betrayed.

I’m sorry you feel so hurt.

You do have the power of prayer, and that is about all you have in regards to your mentor – but it’s a very powerful thing. Pray for him often.

You DO have a responsibility to your God Child. You promised that to God, your promised that to the child. Just because you are not OK with his father’s choices doesn’t mean you wimp out from seeing the child. This is no longer about the mentor – it’s about YOU mentoring the child. So put on a brave face, and go be with your Godson. If your ex-mentor wants to talk to you and try and persuade you to accept his choices, simply say “I don’t feel I should discuss this with you at all.” Smile. Walk Away.

Or make arrangements with the mother alone to see your Godson. You still have this responsibility, again, to the child, and you need to fulfill that. You owe nobody else in that family anything. Although, I would be willing to help the wife out through her difficult times. Offer to babysit. Pray a rosary with her. Invite her and the kids for dinner. She’s also suffering greatly.

I am sorry this happened to you, and to that family, I really am.

God Bless
K
 
Thanks. I know everything you’re saying is right and true. Part of the difficulty has been establishing a friendship with the wife on terms separate from the husband–because we always did everything as couples. I have been working on that in recent months, though, and lately we’ve been talking about getting our kids together to play. The one good piece is that my Godson is still young, too young to remember in the long term that we’ve been absent from most of his life thus far, so long as we do something about it now to change it. It just really, really stinks. I’m also thinking that I’ll try to arrange playdates for the kids in neutral locations or at our house, because their house has too many memories for me. (I feel like they’re my parents and I’m the kid dealing with the divorce…it’s weird.)

Thank you so much for being kind and understanding. Yes, please, please do pray for him, them, their kids, and my husband and me. We’ve got a long road ahead of us with a lot of healing to do.

And on a related note–he wasn’t just my teacher. There are a lot of lives he touched, many of them close friends of mine, and because they are not in a role as close as Godparents, they don’t know yet. But the word is slowly getting out as he begins to tell more people. So the problem is, one of the former students is getting married soon, and he agreed to play some music at her (Catholic Mass) wedding. He and his soon-to-be-ex are also attending the wedding and reception as a couple as though nothing has changed. They don’t plan to tell her anything until after the wedding. So just a question in general–is there anything in writing anywhere about non-Catholics and/or Catholics who are openly not in good standing with the Church participating publicly within a Catholic Mass? Obviously, if so, it should have been his responsibility to say no when asked, not the student to read minds and know what he’s been up to. But I just feel bad. She’s going to be even more devastated than I was when she does find out. He was her Confirmation sponsor. Argh. I hate sin and the devil!! :mad:
 
bflochica5 said:
Thanks. I know everything you’re saying is right and true. Part of the difficulty has been establishing a friendship with the wife on terms separate from the husband–because we always did everything as couples. I have been working on that in recent months, though, and lately we’ve been talking about getting our kids together to play. The one good piece is that my Godson is still young, too young to remember in the long term that we’ve been absent from most of his life thus far, so long as we do something about it now to change it. It just really, really stinks. I’m also thinking that I’ll try to arrange playdates for the kids in neutral locations or at our house, because their house has too many memories for me. (I feel like they’re my parents and I’m the kid dealing with the divorce…it’s weird.)

Thank you so much for being kind and understanding. Yes, please, please do pray for him, them, their kids, and my husband and me. We’ve got a long road ahead of us with a lot of healing to do.

And on a related note–he wasn’t just my teacher. There are a lot of lives he touched, many of them close friends of mine, and because they are not in a role as close as Godparents, they don’t know yet. But the word is slowly getting out as he begins to tell more people. So the problem is, one of the former students is getting married soon, and he agreed to play some music at her (Catholic Mass) wedding. He and his soon-to-be-ex are also attending the wedding and reception as a couple as though nothing has changed. They don’t plan to tell her anything until after the wedding. So just a question in general–is there anything in writing anywhere about non-Catholics and/or Catholics who are openly not in good standing with the Church participating publicly within a Catholic Mass? Obviously, if so, it should have been his responsibility to say no when asked, not the student to read minds and know what he’s been up to. But I just feel bad. She’s going to be even more devastated than I was when she does find out. He was her Confirmation sponsor. Argh. I hate sin and the devil!! :mad:
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On THAT – you need to go directly to your priest. Walk right on in to the office – make an appointment. DISCUSS IT. Just come out and say it. Even say: “Father, I am just going to come out and SAY IT – here’s what’s going on, and I think this family needs your help. I think your neophytes need your help. I certainly need your help. Please help everyone.”

Go from there. Let your priest take the lead – as this is not your area to control or “fix” - but to surrender to others. You can’t save everyone momma, but you can certainly speak up to what is WRONG!!! (trust me, I am taking my own advice as I write this)
 
KCtheMommy said:
On THAT – you need to go directly to your priest. Walk right on in to the office – make an appointment. DISCUSS IT. Just come out and say it. Even say: “Father, I am just going to come out and SAY IT – here’s what’s going on, and I think this family needs your help. I think your neophytes need your help. I certainly need your help. Please help everyone.”

Go from there. Let your priest take the lead – as this is not your area to control or “fix” - but to surrender to others. You can’t save everyone momma, but you can certainly speak up to what is WRONG!!! (trust me, I am taking my own advice as I write this)
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Are you referring to the singing-at-the-wedding issue? The problem there is that the bride-to-be is getting married somewhere else…I’m not even sure where, because I wasn’t invited to the wedding…it just came up in conversation with the soon-to-be-ex-wife. I don’t know that my pastor would have any ability to do anything about it anyway, as it’s not in his own parish.

But maybe I will talk to my priest about the situation in general. The problem is that he’s very new to my parish and I barely know him. Aside from the issue of feeling a little uncomfortable talking to a virtual stranger about something so personal, there’s also the problem that I don’t know yet whether his advice will be trustworthy. After all, I once had a deacon tell me, when I went to him to seek spiritual counseling after a close friend had an abortion, that what my friend did wasn’t really wrong. Yes, a Catholic deacon. And I’ve heard countless other stories (including some on these forums) of other such things that have been said by priests and other religious. It makes me very wary. I’d rather not waste my time (which could be otherwise spent, for example, praying rosaries) sharing the whole story with someone who will conclude by telling me that I just need to embrace my friend’s choices and love him for who he is, etc. At least until I have some reasonable assurance of where the priest stands on moral issues. (How sad that our Church is at a point where we even have to question these things!) 😦
 
Is this person in a relationship or multiple relationships? If not, is he “sinning”?
 
Those kids are going to need you now. You know how hurt and upset you are, just imagine what they are going through. As painful for you as it will be, you have to be there for her and the kids. If you do see him, be polite, but you don’t have to have a long conversation with him at the party. If you feel the need to talk with him, then do so. But I think those kids really have to come first. Divorce is hard enough on a kid, but the reason for this one will make it even more painful.
As for the wedding, I don’t think there is anything that says someone that isn’t in good standing within the church can’t sing at the wedding. If they had a larger role in the wedding, maybe, but not with the music.
 
I guess you and your husband are also going to have to decide if he is someone you want to remain friends with. I don’t agree with what he has done with his family or his turning away from his faith, although, he probably doesn’t want to be told that what he is doing is wrong right now, so maybe in time his faith will come back.
If he hasn’t acted on his feelings of being gay, then as far as that goes he hasn’t sinned. He has sinned in letting his family down and divorcing his wife, but not sexual sin yet. Your friendship might be damaged beyond repair, but that is something you are going to have to think about.
We went through something similar to this a few years ago. We had dear friends. They were our daughters Godparents and we are their sons. One day our friend came home and his wife had taken their three kids, and everything they owned, the only thing she left was the dirty dishes. She had a boyfriend, none of us had any idea. But she had been running her husband down to her family, telling them he was being abusive, which is crazy. He is the most mild mannered man on the face of the earth. Then one night when he had the kids, Children and youth services showed up claiming he was sexually abusing the children. They interviewed the kids for hours, but had no evidence that he had ever done anything to them, not even spank them. She had made the whole thing up. We have remained very close with him and the children. She did try to get a hold of us a few times. Sent me all of these e-mails about how terrible he is… just nonsense, but we have stopped all contact with her. My husband’s sister has stepped up to the role of Godmother to our daughter.
 
Annn–As of yet, we don’t believe he’s actually in any relationships. But he has gone semi-public with his homosexuality, joining a gay men’s performance group whose stated mission is to spread awareness of gay issues. It definitely doesn’t seem to be one of those “Not willing to expose her to shame, he decided to divorce her quietly” kind of scenarios.

Happymommy–I know, our biggest concern from the start was how this would impact the kids. One thing that’s kind of good I guess is that the two of them are now on much better terms, and from the time he moved out, it was arranged where he’d come over every day to see them and be with them for awhile. The wife has told me that their goal was to make the kids feel like nothing has changed, except that Daddy doesn’t sleep at home anymore. And the younger child was so small when this all started that he’ll (sadly) never remember a time when Daddy lived at home. I’m more concerned for what this will do long-term, when Daddy does decide to begin new relationships and/or when kids at school start picking on them (as they inevitably will) for the situation. It’s just heartbreaking.

And as far as the abusive situation…just one thing to keep in mind, even if for other situations, is that many abusers are very, very good at hiding what they do. I’m not saying your friend was that way (because the wife may very well be off the deep end and/or have an ulterior motive–i.e., boyfriend issues–that drove her to her accusations), but I do know that my friend went through something similar with her ex-husband, where he was abusing her and no one believed her because he seemed very mild-mannered and kind. I almost doubted too. Then one day she played me a tape she had secretly recorded during one of their arguments. It was unreal. I couldn’t believe it was the same person, but it was definitely his voice. I felt afraid just listening to it, and I wasn’t even there. Again, the wife in your situation may very well have made it all up. But not all people do. Just something to keep in mind. It still makes me really sad every time I see or hear stories of my friend’s family members who still reject her because of her “crazy” abuse claims…or those who pressure her and her ex to reconcile because they don’t believe her. But of course, I digress to a whole different tangent…
 
bflochica5 said:
Annn–As of yet, we don’t believe he’s actually in any relationships. But he has gone semi-public with his homosexuality, joining a gay men’s performance group whose stated mission is to spread awareness of gay issues. It definitely doesn’t seem to be one of those “Not willing to expose her to shame, he decided to divorce her quietly” kind of scenarios.

Happymommy–I know, our biggest concern from the start was how this would impact the kids. One thing that’s kind of good I guess is that the two of them are now on much better terms, and from the time he moved out, it was arranged where he’d come over every day to see them and be with them for awhile. The wife has told me that their goal was to make the kids feel like nothing has changed, except that Daddy doesn’t sleep at home anymore. And the younger child was so small when this all started that he’ll (sadly) never remember a time when Daddy lived at home. I’m more concerned for what this will do long-term, when Daddy does decide to begin new relationships and/or when kids at school start picking on them (as they inevitably will) for the situation. It’s just heartbreaking.

And as far as the abusive situation…just one thing to keep in mind, even if for other situations, is that many abusers are very, very good at hiding what they do. I’m not saying your friend was that way (because the wife may very well be off the deep end and/or have an ulterior motive–i.e., boyfriend issues–that drove her to her accusations), but I do know that my friend went through something similar with her ex-husband, where he was abusing her and no one believed her because he seemed very mild-mannered and kind. I almost doubted too. Then one day she played me a tape she had secretly recorded during one of their arguments. It was unreal. I couldn’t believe it was the same person, but it was definitely his voice. I felt afraid just listening to it, and I wasn’t even there. Again, the wife in your situation may very well have made it all up. But not all people do. Just something to keep in mind. It still makes me really sad every time I see or hear stories of my friend’s family members who still reject her because of her “crazy” abuse claims…or those who pressure her and her ex to reconcile because they don’t believe her. But of course, I digress to a whole different tangent…
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No she has a problem with lying… big problem…She is really unstable and from what I have heard from the kids, it’s starting in this new marriage too. I caught her in a number of lies. She even told our Godchildren that they wouldn’t see us anymore because we are bad people. It was so sad when we would see them after all of this. They use to run over and hug us, but you could tell that they knew they weren’t suppose to talk to us. It took awhile for them to go back to their old selves. She really needs help, but what do you do. We’ve known him much longer than her, my husband has been friends with him for over 20 years. We were very close with her as well. We had no idea that she was leaving, but I guess she had been seeing this other man for awhile. The kids use to cry because they didn’t want to go back to live with their mom, but stay with their dad. Such an awful thing…

Best of luck with your mess, now that I’ve taken over with ours… I pray for your friends and their children!
 
I hate when stuff like that happens too. My prayers will be with all of you as well.
 
How will this man ever return to his faith if everyone abandons him except his gay community? 🤷

You have been entrusted with this great challenge, to love the sinner, hate the sin. It is very possible to maintain contact with someone even after they have embarked on a life of sin, without endorsing their sin. You can tell him, “make no mistake, I am distressed about your actions and choices. I am worried for your soul. Do you need to talk?”

If it was any other sin, do you think you would cut ties? We all know people with sin in their lives, do we cut ties?

…just my own humble opinion…
 
How do you treat a Gay Person?

Like a person, of course.

If he were straight, would you bring up his sex life?

If he were straight, but divorced [not anulled] and remarried outside the church, would you feel a need to correct him?
 
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