E
EasterJoy
Guest
It depends very much on whether you mean that she has always had anger issues that are getting noticeably worse or if you mean that you’re seeing this behavior out of someone who never acted remotely like this in the past. I have a saying, “Even the Easter Bunny will bite you, if you put it in a cage and poke it long enough.” What I mean by that isn’t that this is your fault, but that everyone has a stress level that will push them in directions that seem out of character.
If a dog that has always growled starts snapping, that is a dangerous warning signal. Do not ignore it when a person with a bad temper starts allowing themselves less self-control. That needs to be nipped in the bud right away. When the Easter Bunny starts biting, though, it is time to look for what the cage and the stick are. The answers are not always obvious, and it doesn’t have to have a thing to do with the person on the recieving end of the bites. (If anything, I’d say that the Easter Bunny is most likely to bite the safest and most forgiving person in snapping distance. Easter Bunnies don’t go looking for fights with the biggest dog in the forest.)
Whatever you do, don’t talk to her about this while she’s still angry. In the heat of the moment, that can feel like trying to minimize the legitimacy of what she’s upset about. Besides, airplanes need to be tended to in the hangar, not in midflight. When a person gets angry, he or she is feeling besieged, frustrated and vulnerable. One does not choose “fight” over “flight” unless the question of “fight or flight?” was raised in the first place. This is true whether or not the person has “anger issues.” You can’t train a dog when it feels cornered or is on the war path. You help the dog feel relaxed and safe, get the hair on the back of its neck to come down, then you work on other issues that lead up to that response in the first place. It isn’t any different with us. Once the heart is pounding and the teeth are clenched, we quit thinking very clearly.
Instead, find a time when she is not angry–or less obviously angry as her current anger may be one that never really goes away–and ask her about the change you’ve seen in her. When you talk to her, simply say that you, as a couple, need to talk about your argument style in this calm moment, so that things will go better when things get tense. You don’t like it, but it’s not just that. You know her well enough that she doesn’t like it, either. Ask in terms of how she experiences these incidents, how she experiences your responses, and what the two of you can do to keep your belongings in the drawers next time. Don’t look for blame. Try to keep anyone from needing defensive, as much as you can. Look for solutions…and the solutions only have to work for the two of you. It doesn’t matter if they seem odd to anyone else. As long as it is not abusive or immoral, the way you argue in private is as private as anything else you do in private.
If that doesn’t address things, get counselling for yourself, even if she won’t. Find someone to teach you the skills you need in these situations, including the willingness to see things in the situation that none of us want to admit. It is the little mythologies we build in order to avoid actually telling the truth that gets us into real trouble.
If a dog that has always growled starts snapping, that is a dangerous warning signal. Do not ignore it when a person with a bad temper starts allowing themselves less self-control. That needs to be nipped in the bud right away. When the Easter Bunny starts biting, though, it is time to look for what the cage and the stick are. The answers are not always obvious, and it doesn’t have to have a thing to do with the person on the recieving end of the bites. (If anything, I’d say that the Easter Bunny is most likely to bite the safest and most forgiving person in snapping distance. Easter Bunnies don’t go looking for fights with the biggest dog in the forest.)
Whatever you do, don’t talk to her about this while she’s still angry. In the heat of the moment, that can feel like trying to minimize the legitimacy of what she’s upset about. Besides, airplanes need to be tended to in the hangar, not in midflight. When a person gets angry, he or she is feeling besieged, frustrated and vulnerable. One does not choose “fight” over “flight” unless the question of “fight or flight?” was raised in the first place. This is true whether or not the person has “anger issues.” You can’t train a dog when it feels cornered or is on the war path. You help the dog feel relaxed and safe, get the hair on the back of its neck to come down, then you work on other issues that lead up to that response in the first place. It isn’t any different with us. Once the heart is pounding and the teeth are clenched, we quit thinking very clearly.
Instead, find a time when she is not angry–or less obviously angry as her current anger may be one that never really goes away–and ask her about the change you’ve seen in her. When you talk to her, simply say that you, as a couple, need to talk about your argument style in this calm moment, so that things will go better when things get tense. You don’t like it, but it’s not just that. You know her well enough that she doesn’t like it, either. Ask in terms of how she experiences these incidents, how she experiences your responses, and what the two of you can do to keep your belongings in the drawers next time. Don’t look for blame. Try to keep anyone from needing defensive, as much as you can. Look for solutions…and the solutions only have to work for the two of you. It doesn’t matter if they seem odd to anyone else. As long as it is not abusive or immoral, the way you argue in private is as private as anything else you do in private.
If that doesn’t address things, get counselling for yourself, even if she won’t. Find someone to teach you the skills you need in these situations, including the willingness to see things in the situation that none of us want to admit. It is the little mythologies we build in order to avoid actually telling the truth that gets us into real trouble.