Need help with family issue

[luvchrist4ever]

Help! My Catholic, but non-practicing brother is getting married in an outdoor wedding to a non-practicing Baptist. I am the only one in my family that has a problem with it. While my husband and I agreed to go to the wedding to show our love for them, I said I would not attend the bridal shower as I don’t want to imply any more support than I already will be at the wedding by attending other wedding events. Well all hell has broken loose, and my parents are telling me I am going to push my family away if I don’t change my mind. Obviously I am going to stand up for the faith and will not be changing my mind and have tried to explain Church teaching about this over and over in several emails, but now my parents (also practicing Catholics) are going to be talking about it in person, and I could use some more words of wisdom as I feel like I have said all I can already. While my parents wish he was getting married in the Church they think it is important to support him, and hate doing anything to disrupt family harmony. What can I say to help them understand my position more?

 

[blase6]

Does your brother in question understand that if he considers himself a Catholic and gets married at a non-Catholic religious ceremony he will have committed a mortal sin and not even have a valid marriage?

 

[luvchrist4ever]

I don’t think he does consider himself Catholic and is completely apathetic towards religion in general.

 

[Pekita]

I agree with your parents. He´s an adult, and has made his decision and you should respect it. If you are loving and supportive, you could win him over and in time show him he is wrong.
But do pray that he converts!

 

[Corki]

If you are an adult, you do not owe your parents a lengthy explanation. Neither should you interject your reasons for not attending. A simple, “no thank you” or sending your regrets to the invitation is fine. If your parents feel compelled to push the issue, you can simply tell them that you have taken the matter to prayer and reached a decision that gives you peace without causing disruption.

While it’s important to love and support your brother, that doesn’t mean you have to put yourself and your husband in uncomfortable situations beyond what is expected as social convention.

 

[Waiting]

I don’t attend family out-of-Church weddings. I’m now the only one in the family who follows this policy. A sister who sided with me has recently passed away. I feel that what is happening is a serious sin, and I don’t choose to celebrate a sin… Frankly, I feel that my relatives know that this occasion is sinful, and shouldn’t put us in the position of having to choose between them and God. What does it say to the world when we choose against the Lord?

 

[BlueEyedLady]

I don’t attend family out-of-Church weddings. I’m now the only one in the family who follows this policy. A sister who sided with me has recently passed away. I feel that what is happening is a serious sin, and I don’t choose to celebrate a sin… Frankly, I feel that my relatives know that this occasion is sinful, and shouldn’t put us in the position of having to choose between them and God. What does it say to the world when we choose against the Lord?

So are you saying that you would rather not be invited at all? Most people would not neglect to invite you because that would, or at least could cause your feelings to be horribly hurt.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I don’t think he does consider himself Catholic and is completely apathetic towards religion in general.

Well, even if he considers himself not to be a Catholic, he still IS a Catholic, he’s been baptized and that leaves a mark on his soul forever. I was the same way when I met, dated, broke up with, shacked up with, and finally married my husband in a short ceremony before a judge. After I got pregnant with our first child, I started to re-consider my views, and after his birth, I returned to the Church. 10 years later, we were finally married in the Church after I got confirmed. But the difference is that I married another lapsed Catholic, so there was no further impediment to our faith. Your brother is going to marry a non-Catholic, and perhaps someone who is actually hostile to the faith (a lot of Baptists are raised to believe that the Catholic Church is the “whore of Babylon” mentioned in Revelation).

You can’t tell a lapsed Catholic anything. I would never have believed that I would return to the Church and if anyone had told me that I was still a Catholic no matter what I called myself, I would have scoffed at them. So you will end up being the focus of your family’s anger, unfortunately. That is, unless and until your brother gets that little tap on the shoulder from the Holy Spirit that tells him to come back…and that’s when all hell might break loose (literally). Or, as has happened many times, he could lead his entire family to the Church and convert his wife!



Pray for them and the entire situation.

 

[sainthumbert]

LuvChrist4Ever: I had the same situation with my sibling. One thing you can do is explain that the reason for not attending is that it would be a sin for you. That is, it would be a scandal for you to show support for a an event that will entrench your brother into grave sin. I say entrenched because he will be living in constant grave sin but can still, even after the marriage, remove himself from it.

You must, of course, make sure your own house is clean first. You will be called a hypocrite. When you fail in your own life everyone will talk about it behind your back. This makes the decision to not attend even more difficult. On the other hand, this sort of an event can be a spring board for nominal Catholics to step it up and make their Catholic faiths the center of their lives.

 

[PatriceA]

My opinion is very different from the others. I think you’re in a very tough position. I do agree with not supporting a non-Church wedding for non-practicing Catholic, but I think you have things backwards and that’s why it is creating so much emotion upheavel in your family. If it was me, I’d either attend ALL the wedding activities or I’d attend NONE. Its a very mixed message you’re sending by agreeing to attend the wedding, but none of the activities leading up to the wedding. If I was the bride, I’d be hurt and confused by you showing support for only one event, the actual wedding, but not the other wedding events, and I’d certainly have a hard time wrapping my brain around why its so important for us Catholics to get married in the Church when you’ve agreed to attend her non-Church wedding. You’re witnessing nothing by refusing to attend the bridal shower, its not sending any kind of example of why the Church teaches that this is going to be an invalid marriage. If you have agreed with your husband that you are attending the wedding to show support for your brother, then I too would not understand why you are not showing support through out the whole engagement, including the bridal shower. If you truly believe what the Church teaches about invalid wedding ceremonies to the point that you do not want to give witness to supporting such weddings by attending a bridal shower, then why are you giving witness to supporting the invalid marriage by actually attending the non-church wedding? Either you witness or you do not, not attending the bridal shower isn’t achieving anything because its not the actual problem with this being an invalid marriage. You’re already giving example that you’re going to support your brother and his invalid marriage by being at the wedding whether you realize it or not, not attending the bridal shower seems a bit spiteful because you’re using it as an example when its not going to matter by the end of the wedding ceremony.

 

[Allegra]

It seems to me that you’ve got it backward. You don’t have a problem with them getting married, but how they are getting married and where. To me, it makes more sense to attend the shower than the wedding itself. In this sort of situation, where the people in question are to all outside viewer not practicing Catholics, I think I would attend the wedding without worrying about scandal. However, things are more complicated when individuals who still claim to be Catholic, even who attend Mass and send their children to Catholic school, decide to marry outside of the Church. That does cause scandal and I think it’s right to avoid such weddings.

 

[Allegra]

So are you saying that you would rather not be invited at all? Most people would not neglect to invite you because that would, or at least could cause your feelings to be horribly hurt.

I agree. Most people would worry about offending you by not inviting you. I wouldn’t consider the invitation an insult but they shouldn’t consider your declining an insult either.

 

[PatriceA]

So are you saying that you would rather not be invited at all? Most people would not neglect to invite you because that would, or at least could cause your feelings to be horribly hurt.

If I had made it publicly known to all my extended family members that I would not be attending any invalid wedding ceremonies, why would I be hurt that an invite was not extended to me to such events? I think that’s what the poster that you are responding to is saying. Why extend an invite to a family member, knowing how they feel about invalid wedding ceremonies? All the extended family members are doing is putting the burden back on that family member instead of realizing they are knowingly entering an invalid marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church. They are the ones that should bare the burden, not the family member that is following the actual Church teachings by not attending such invalid wedding ceremonies and declining such invites. The couple shouldn’t put such family members in that position by knowingly inviting them to a ceremony that the certain family member has made known they can not and will not attend.

 

[Allegra]

If I had made it publicly known to all my extended family members that I would not be attending any invalid wedding ceremonies, why would I be hurt that an invite was not extended to me to such events? I think that’s what the poster that you are responding to is saying. Why extend an invite to a family member, knowing how they feel about invalid wedding ceremonies? All the extended family members are doing is putting the burden back on that family member instead of realizing they are knowingly entering an invalid marriage in the eyes of the Catholic Church. They are the ones that should bare the burden, not the family member that is following the actual Church teachings by not attending such invalid wedding ceremonies and declining such invites. The couple shouldn’t put such family members in that position by knowingly inviting them to a ceremony that the certain family member has made known they can not and will not attend.

Nonsense. A person’s religious practices are their own responsibility. It IS, in fact, their decision to make and not the relatives.

 

[PatriceA]

Nonsense. A person’s religious practices are their own responsibility. It IS, in fact, their decision to make and not the relatives.

Not when the relatives have placed the burden on keeping family harmony by asking a family member to compromise their religious beliefs and attend an invalid wedding ceremony. Its no longer personal or individual and I would never think to put one of my family members or friends in that position if I have the prior knowledge that they can not attend a family event due to their own religious beliefs. That is uncharitable.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

Not when the relatives have placed the burden on keeping family harmony by asking a family member to compromise their religious beliefs and attend an invalid wedding ceremony. Its no longer personal or individual and I would never think to put one of my family members or friends in that position if I have the prior knowledge that they can not attend a family event due to their own religious beliefs. That is uncharitable.

No way. I would never fall in to that trap. Too many people like to make up reasons to be offended. “You didn’t even invite me to your wedding!”. “You said you couldn’t in good conscience go!”. “Well it still would have been nice to be asked!”. No way. I would give them the invitation in person and say something along the lines of “I understand that you may feel like you can’t attend. If that’s the case I understand but it wouldn’t feel right to celebrate without extending an invitation to you.”. Then the chips fall where they may.

And whether they invite you or not the same damage will be done to the relationship as if you had been invited and turned them down. If someone I loved couldn’t support my marriage and saw it as sinful that would change the way I saw and felt about that person. Invite or not.

 

[Allegra]

Not when the relatives have placed the burden on keeping family harmony by asking a family member to compromise their religious beliefs and attend an invalid wedding ceremony. Its no longer personal or individual and I would never think to put one of my family members or friends in that position if I have the prior knowledge that they can not attend a family event due to their own religious beliefs. That is uncharitable.

It should be obvious that a person can invite someone to a wedding out of kindness without being offended and creating discord with the family if the invitee declines.

I invited several people to my wedding who I knew were not going to come. I invited my husband’s aunt in Italy. I wasn’t offended when she didn’t come. I invited my grandmother with lung cancer, who can barely leave her house. I wasn’t offended that she declined. I invited a cousin who is a single mom with small children, who I knew would probably not have the resources to leave town with her three kids in tow. I was not offended that she didn’t come. I even invited a cousin who hates organized religion and who I knew would probably not come to the Mass, but might like to attend the reception. He elected not to come and I wasn’t offended.

A person who is offended because a loved one invited them to a wedding they don’t wish to attend for whatever reason is demonstrating disordered thinking, in my opinion, and THEY own that. A person who is offended because someone extended them an invitation they don’t want to accept is equally nutty and that is their own problem.

 

[cshoremom]

If ever there was a time to extend grace, it’s now…

I think your brother, a non-practicing Catholic, and his fiancee, a non-practicing Baptist may see your Christ-like example and maybe look at Catholicism as the path they want to pursue…

I do not think God would ask us to estrange ourselves from our loved ones to show our non-support of their religious choice…( or lack of choice, as it seems)…I am glad you are going to the wedding to show your love for your brother…I think by not going to the shower, too ,( it’s all part of the wedding festivities) you would hurt your brother and SIL, and forfeit your relationship as well as a chance to be Christ-like …

JMO, so please ignore if I am not seeing the “whole picture”…I do understand the principles you are standing for…but to sacrifice your relationship…not sure I would do that…I lost my only sister, my best friend last year to cancer…and your post really touched a nerve…

I will pray for you and your family as you navigate this rough decision…

 

[Waiting]

So are you saying that you would rather not be invited at all? Most people would not neglect to invite you because that would, or at least could cause your feelings to be horribly hurt.

I understand and sympathize with those who are entering an invalid marriage. They are seeking happiness. I don’t wish them anything but happiness, but I feel that they have made a choice that wasn’t theirs to make. They knew from the start of their relationship with their intended mate that this road to marriage wasn’t Church approved. They chose to continue the relationship anyway. We’ve all been given certain gifts and not all are given the gifts to the same degree. The Lord has given me a generous dose of the ability to love Him. While I’m grateful to Him for this wonderful gift, it presents problems. Most people do not want to offend the sender of a wedding invitation, regardless of the circumstances. I don’t either, but if I don’t refuse the invitation, then I feel strongly that I’m offending God, and I can’t knowingly choose to honor the sinner over honoring my God. It’s not easy to turn my back on a loved one. Fortunately, my family knows of my devotion to God, so they understand why I can’t attend. I do write to them and explain. I also send a gift as a token of my best wishes for their happiness. I know many people reading this don’t approve of my decision. So be it.

 

[MCGar]

Just my experience. I attended an outside wedding of a non-practicing Cathoc to a nonCatholic.
Now years later the nonPracticing convaledated in Church and the nonCatholic is converting.
I just shared and was open with my faith and didn’t speak against their actions. I think if I had thought to make a stand against it I wouldn’t been one shut door to them in talking about the faith.

Just a thought.