Need help with friend....sigh

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Last month I traveled to the area in which I grew up for my twin’s wedding. Before the wedding, a friend and I had tentative plans to see each other while I was there. I did not call her, and I should have, and it’s totally my fault, but now she is giving me the cold shoulder, and will not reply to the email I sent her with an apology. This sounds minor (and in fact a similar thing happened to me last year when a friend was here but didn’t have a chance to see them), but this friendship has gotten more and more difficult to maintain as time goes on and I am at a loss as to where to go from here.

I should explain I was only there for four days and spent every minute with family because I had not seen some siblings or nieces and newphews in 5 years. My siblings and I are close (even though we rarely all get together) because we are orphans and lost one parent when most of us were quite young. This trip was my first vacation in 6 years and if my twin had not paid for a good chunk of it along with other relatives I literally would not have had the money to go. I am self employed and this is relevant, because I have no money, and I think that may play a part in why my friend is mad.

I think I may have inadvertently offended my friend by not sending gifts when her 3 children were born (all her children were born after I moved away from there). I of course wrote her a warm note of congratulations, but had no money for gifts, and as it is, even my nieces and nephews do not always receive gifts from me for their birthdays.

Now, here come all the flip-outs: She was complaining about their small house. It was small, but it was in a resort area! A very very beautiful place. I mentioned something about being grateful a roof over one’s head and she wrote a big rant about how I live where it’s cheap and she doesn’t and so she has a right to complain and on and on. Then, when her second child was born, he was born prematurely, and was in the NICU for a few weeks. When I received the email about his birth and the difficulties, of course I responded right away letting them know I was praying for them. They then sent out a mass email telling everyone that not everyone would be receiving personalized replies. I, of course, was on that B list. Which I don’t mind, but why tell me or anyone else? So then, I was relegated to B status, which was fine because I’ve got bigger things to worry about (poverty!), but she has also dropped contact with mutual friends of ours if she sees that they are liking photos and things of other people’s, but not hers. She couldn’t figure out her Facebook settings of how to not see that, and so she dropped friends. :eek:

This is getting too long, but it’s been one thing after another, and the final straw is her posting vaguebook things like “Well, no more chances”, which I can only think refers to me. But what other chances? What am I missing here? And things like “We are SO GRATEFUL for those who have chosen to have a relationship with our children”. Should I have stayed in a very expensive area just to be her support staff? I have had a lot happen over the years since I moved away and my focus is on building my business, and trying not to have life threatening injuries or land in the hospital, both of which have happened. :rolleyes:

I am always cordial and warm when I see her on Facebook, but I have come to realize unless my post is about children or I am commenting on a post about her children, she does not acknowledge me! btw, we’re all good Catholics and she has a happy marriage and is a SAHM, and does not lack for any material goods. Which, I confess, I’m probably a little envious, since I am not married, and am working very hard for every dollar these days just to pay essential bills!

So, what do I do here? There’s so much more, but my apologies for writing War and Peace. 😃 Thank you all in advance for your replies! 👍 God Bless!
 
Thank you, Monica! I have lurked here for a long time, so I don’t feel like a stranger. Thank you for your prayers. 🙂

I only use Facebook to keep in touch with siblings and friends who I no longer live near, all real life long time friends. None of this 400 “friends”, they all really are friends. I guess the thing that is striking is that all my other friendships have continued exactly as they were and this is the only one that I see as being different since not living in the same area. But I have hidden her feed, so I will not fret about whether her cannon of discontent is aimed at me. Out of sight, out of mind. I will pray for her, but I cannot give her the kind of attention she needs.
 
Sometimes friends grow apart. Keep the door open and if she wants to be civil, spend time with her. You are under no obligation to be disrespected however. Simply hide her on your facebook if she bother you. She has your phone number so if she wants to get together or talk, she can call you. I know it can be sad when a friendship gets stale, but there’s no reason for an official “break up” or anything like that.
 
Thanks, Allegra. I know friendships can go stale. I definitely don’t want an official breakup. I guess I just want to know if it’s all my fault and if I should do anything else. I have a few people (cousin, siblings, etc) in my life who never apologize and never admit they are wrong (this friend is one of them) and when they don’t, I tend to think it is all my fault. I realize I shouldn’t do this, though. Finally learning. 🤷
 
Are you totally sure that she got your email of apology? That sort of thing can go astray. Try to call her and apologize (without humiliating yourself–I understand exactly how difficult it is to extract oneself from the vortex of a rare family visit, let alone one combined with a wedding). If she isn’t gracious, well there’s your answer. I like the suggestion to stick to birthdays and Christmas communications and avoid Facebook interactions with her.

I find that a lot of us women can get REALLY weird and difficult during certain predictable times (engagement/wedding, pregnancy, early motherhood, menopause). There’s a sort of mommy tunnel vision where the only thing that matters is our precious little children or other people’s precious little children, and we don’t have a lot of time or energy for other people, i.e. the children’s daddy, let alone single childless friends. This happens to a lot of women. The ironic thing is that it’s actually really depressing to live this sort of 100%-kid-all-the-time lifestyle and a lot of us need more contact with the real grownup world than we get (and no, Facebook does not count). The passive-aggressive stuff Facebook stuff sounds really bad, but it may just be a sign that’s she’s really unhappy. If you really miss her friendship, you might want to test the waters and try a monthly phone call (it will be tricky to find a time that suits both of you)–it may be that she’s taken a one-way ticket to Mommyville and needs a ride back. Or maybe she isn’t worth the effort and you don’t have much in common anymore.

Best wishes!
 
“I guess the thing that is striking is that all my other friendships have continued exactly as they were and this is the only one that I see as being different since not living in the same area.”

That is very fortunate.
 
“Now, here come all the flip-outs: She was complaining about their small house. It was small, but it was in a resort area! A very very beautiful place. I mentioned something about being grateful a roof over one’s head and she wrote a big rant about how I live where it’s cheap and she doesn’t and so she has a right to complain and on and on.”

Your remark could have sounded insensitive (nobody likes being told that they have it OK, so suck it up buttercup, even if it’s just a hangnail), but it would have been more gracious to just let it go. I score that one a rudeness tie.

“Then, when her second child was born, he was born prematurely, and was in the NICU for a few weeks. When I received the email about his birth and the difficulties, of course I responded right away letting them know I was praying for them. They then sent out a mass email telling everyone that not everyone would be receiving personalized replies. I, of course, was on that B list. Which I don’t mind, but why tell me or anyone else?”

That’s normal with NICU–just imagine how many dozens of concerned inquiries she might be fielding every day. It would be politer, though, as you suggest, to not mention that some people would be getting personalized replies. I know a family with a somewhat more serious situation with premature twins and they have pretty much dropped off the face of the earth.

“So then, I was relegated to B status, which was fine because I’ve got bigger things to worry about (poverty!), but she has also dropped contact with mutual friends of ours if she sees that they are liking photos and things of other people’s, but not hers. She couldn’t figure out her Facebook settings of how to not see that, and so she dropped friends.”

She doesn’t sound very happy, does she?
 
Xantippe, thank you. And bless you! I completely understand the ticket to Mommyville. I babysit my godchild on a regular basis and I am lucky when I remember to put on shoes before leaving the house with godchild. Also, glad I can remember my name. 😃

My cousin (one of the dumped friends) has commented that she perhaps isn’t happy, although us single gals cannot for the life of us figure out why.

I understand I probably sounded like I was saying “suck it up, buttercup”, but truthfully, that happened right when I almost lost my home, and was eating only two meals a day. Things are far better now, and I have learned to be so grateful for everything! For this humble abode, for my food, for everything working (thank you, God, for air conditioning!), and I guess I have been through enough that being grateful for the things we all take for granted has become second nature. I hope I am not being prideful when I say I feel like I have spiritually matured and she still has a ways to go. But how she was spiritually mature enough to get married is a mystery, but that’s another whole topic. 🤷 Like I said, I am a little bit jealous and I acknowledge that. Not of my other friends, though. :hmmm:
 
“I understand I probably sounded like I was saying “suck it up, buttercup”, but truthfully, that happened right when I almost lost my home, and was eating only two meals a day.”

Oh, dear. That’s the problem with Facebook–people really don’t think about the individual circumstances of the 400 people who are out there reading.

“Things are far better now, and I have learned to be so grateful for everything! For this humble abode, for my food, for everything working (thank you, God, for air conditioning!), and I guess I have been through enough that being grateful for the things we all take for granted has become second nature. I hope I am not being prideful when I say I feel like I have spiritually matured and she still has a ways to go. But how she was spiritually mature enough to get married is a mystery, but that’s another whole topic. Like I said, I am a little bit jealous and I acknowledge that. Not of my other friends, though.”

Nobody’s spiritually mature enough to get married–we all discover that we’re lazy and selfish and obstinate–and so is our sweetie pie. That’s part of the process.
 
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