Need Help with Overbearing Boss

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DireWolf

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Hello Everyone-

I have been dealing with an extremely forceful and overbearing boss at work and I want to remain true to my Catholic faith and treat him with love and compassion. I pray earnestly and daily for God to help me see my boss with the loving eyes that Jesus sees for him. It is getting increasingly hard and I don’t know how to stand up for myself and my needs as a human being and also be a compassionate, caring Christian. I’d appreciate any help you could give. I’d also appreciate any prayers you could send up for me as I go through this very challenging time for me as a Christian living in our ever-more secular world. Below is a little bit of what’s been going on.

I work as the head special education teacher at a high school and our school district hired a new principal last summer. He has been ruthless in rooting out anyone who stands in his path. He has never said anything negative about my work. However, each time that I have a disagreement or want to simply address an issue that I’m having with him, I have been yelled at; forcefully told that I am accusing him; called a liar; called two-faced; and now generally been shut out of being able to make any decisions related to my job. This has never happened to me before in my entire eleven year career. I have always excelled at my job and worked tirelessly to help those students who are disabled to find a way to navigate public high school. It is a very stressful and difficult job in itself. Each day, I pray for the students, for my boss and the school. I pray specifically to be able to be brave enough to continue to kindly and professionally address issues that have arisen that I feel need attention. I almost feel like he easily takes advantage of my kindness and my charity. I don’t generally make a scene, although he has made me cry several times, both at school and at home.

If anyone has any advice as to how I can continue to handle this situation with Christ’s love, but also not allowing a powerful boss to take away my dignity, I’d truly appreciate any help and/or any prayers.

God Bless.
 
Sounds like a toxic situation. I’m only seeing one side of the dynamic here but it boils down to how long can you put up with the situation without losing your dignity or sanity? Often bosses aren’t forever. I’ve had a few toxic ones in my 34 year career. Some forceful people can’t stand weakness and will prey on it. I’ve had a few bosses/coworkers like that, and often if you play tough and stand up to them, they’ll back down when they realize they have a worthy adversary.

Or he could just be a toxic bully. In which case you either have to find a coping mechanism that allows you to block him out mentally, transfer to another department, or find another job. I did the latter once because of a passive-aggressive control freak, and knowing the culture of the organization I knew he’d be my boss for a very long time. If principals at your school have a short tenure it may be worth waiting him out. Do you have a union that could go to bat for you? You could always file a grievance. Most schools take bullying seriously these days; one would hope it applies to staff as well. If he’s new, he may still be on probation.

It’s fine to pray for your enemies, but it doesn’t mean you can’t use licit means to defend yourself from harm.
 
Thank you so much for your incites. Toxic… yes, I think you are right. I will continue to pray about this, but I think it’s time to find another job. It’s getting to the point where I feel extremely uncomfortable with doing some of the things that he is asking I do… such as keeping secrets from other teachers and having to go behind their backs to do what it is he wants me to do.

Blessings.
 
Well, I’m probably not a good person to ask because I would be seeing how to make this particular principal’s stay at the school as short as possible.

Is it the school board that hires a principal?

Think of it as a test and strengthening of your virtue. Pray to Jesus daily to give you grace to make progress in virtue with His help.

If more than half the teachers really disapprove of this guy for valid reasons, then organize yourselves and get him out of there.
 
The superintendent of the school district is the person who recommends the hiring of a principal to the school board. They usually agree with the superintendent.

I have already spoken confidentially to a school board member as well as the human resources department. I was told that unless more people come forward, there is not much that can be done, especially because the principal is seen as doing a great job outside of the school itself. There have been several teachers also in my same situation, but they are afraid to speak up. The principal is extremely intimidating, after all.

I’m grateful for your perspectives, though, because being in the midst of it, I didn’t want to be bias or too entrenched not to see the right Christian action to take. Above all, I want to not sin and act in accordance with my faith and God’s will.
 
You certainly are having a tough time, I really feel sympathetic to your situation,
I have no real advise, I just wish to say , I was once in a similar situation ,
I had to leave, I stayed only because employment was hard to find,
But I eventually did find another job, some people can’t be helped,.
 
First of all I would like to say the Jesus did not mean that we should be wimps
and let bullies walk all over us when He said" 'turn the other cheek" ;
It would be more like do not return violence with violence ,but since He hated injustice
and bullying we should whenever possible try to prevent either ourselvesor others from being unfaily treated ,and you have a very diificult person in front of you and it is not easy .
However to walk away as yet may not be the best idea until you have given it a bit more time .
It is early days and he is finding his feet .He may be afraid to show that he is not up to the job, and so is overbearing to hide this fact . Bullies are often, if not always fearful, and even the best of people can be so ,when they are ‘afraid’ to show weakness .

I would pray for strength to go a bit longer and at the same time ask God to help this man to to create circumstances which will help him change his perspective

I find God always answers prayers where the ‘greater good’ is your perspective eg .
Are his ways going to be bad for the children and the school in general?. Would his removal or his being ‘put’ in his place by the authorities be reallly beneficial overall ?
Also, that there will be some persons who will eventually stand up with you, to face him .

But first you must pray and pray and when a little time has passed you will know what
to do .
Perhaps God has given you this ‘task’ to help this man change ,or to force those who will not stand up to be counted ,but maybe give it a little more time .🙂

Christians should not be cowards ,they were not in the past .
 
DireWolf said:
I have already spoken confidentially to a school board member as well as the human resources department. I was told that unless more people come forward, there is not much that can be done, especially because the principal is seen as doing a great job outside of the school itself.
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That, my dear, is what we call a load of cr*p.

You have been given a line by people who do not intend to do their own jobs. This is HR and the Superintendent’s job-- supervision of this principal. They should be conducting performance reviews, observing his interactions in the school, etc.

Next time you need to have a sit down with this principal, insist on another person in the room with you-- school guidance counselor, HR representative, union rep if you are in a union-- someone. Simply bring them along to the meeting or have them in the room when he arrives.

If he acts the same towards you, you have a witness. If his behavior changes to “sweet as pie” you have your answer-- find another school.
 
As a teacher who has been in this situation, I have one suggestion. Make sure your union membership is current. For some reason, jerks like this get drawn into the administrative proffession. They are often insecure and rather than trust the experts that work for them, they get paranoid and spend half their tenure dishing out blame for their own shortcomings on the faculty. The students best interest is often only on their list of importance as it relates to making themselves look good. Right now, I’m dealing with a new principal as well. He stepped into what should have been the easiest job in the world. Our previous principal spent years creating an efficient building that was focused more on being good than looking good. The last few years, she was very ill and spend half the year out of the building. Even without a vice principal, the building ran perfectly smoothly in her absense. They could have hired a trained monkey and put it in a tie and we would have had a lovely school year. This new guy is doing nothing but creating problems and blaming others when they arise. Our union president has never had to be so busy. Student welfare is last on his list. As long as they can smile for the pictures he puts on facebook, he doesn’t care if they learn anything.
 
I would be very careful about getting your union involved. Sadly, this can backfire on you big time. Once the union rep has left the building, you could end up being victimised to the point where you are effectively forced to leave.

When dealing with bullies you need to realise that their brains are wired differently from other people’s brains. Most people, when they see someone in pain (even if they have caused the pain) feel empathy towards that person,but bullies do not. Bullies will see this pain as an opportunity to use to their advantage, as an opportunity to cause more pain, bullies get a kick out of hurting people. So you cannot reason with a bully or try to appeal to his better nature, because you will be wasting your time.

With a bully, do not show any sign of upset, do not give the bully any hint whatsoever that they are upsetting you or stressing you out. If they are then hide it at all costs. Do not tell them that they are upsetting you, they will only see this as an opportunity to upset you even more.
 
Thank you all so very much for your willingness to give me much needed Christian advice. With God’s and your support, I was able to be brave, pray earnestly beforehand, and meet with him yesterday face to face to ask questions related to what it was he wanted me to do. He blatantly twisted the events of a former meeting to make it seem like I was the one in the wrong and asked me to go against my conscience and undermine a teacher colleague. I will continue to pray for the bravery I will need to stand firm in my Catholic conscience and tell him that I am simply not willing to hurt another staff member to accomplish his agenda… and yes… it is indeed always under the guise of what’s best for kids. Thank you all again. I will cling to your words and as soon as possible I will be seeking other employment.

With love,
 
You have a tough road ahead of you with and it is likely that you will suffer for standing for what you believe is right. But make a note of everything that happens, everything that is said, times, dates places, every word that is said in any meetings you have with him, particularly if you have to meet him alone. Do not let management know you’re doing this and keep that notebook out of sight and hidden, on your person or at home, don’t leave it in a desk drawer at work. Sadly however, sometimes the only way to get away from bullying in the workplace is to find a job elsewhere.

There is a good book called “Bully Insight” by Tim Field. It helped me once.

I will say a prayer for you and your colleagues.
 
Thank you Brendan. I have been painstakingly writing everything down, so I’m glad to know that is also what you’d recommend. I keep it in a locked drawer in my classroom, but perhaps I would be wise to keep it at home instead. I appreciate the book reference and will take a look at it. Anything that will help is what I need to do, I’m thinking. God bless and thank you for the prayers. I will need all of them I can get.

In God’s love,
 
But make a note of everything that happens, everything that is said, times, dates places, every word that is said in any meetings you have with him, particularly if you have to meet him alone.
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I was going to make the same recommendation. You need to start to document all of his actions and his directives to you, and keep this information in a secure and private place.

You also need to build alliances with others, especially work colleagues and other authorities, such as HR, Board Members, etc. Build very strong alliances, both to protect yourself now, and to keep the doors of future job opportunities open.

As much as humanly possible, you need to avoid closed door 1-on-1 meetings with him. This is not always going to be possible, but if you have to meet with him alone, you need to find a way to include another party in the conversation – an HR officer, a work colleague, etc. It is much more difficult for him to operate if he cannot isolate you in an intimidating fashion. Do not let him isolate you.

Be very careful to never say a disparaging word about him to others. If he gets word of it, you will have an even more uncomfortable time. Stay neutral and keep your cool. If someone pulls you aside, maintain neutrality and don’t speak ill of him. This is both a Christian virtue, but it will also protect you.

If you consider him an enemy rather than an ally, you need to do your homework. Find out as much as you can about him, especially his past work history, his work alliances, his personality traits, and such. You have to do this discreetly, on your own. Where did he grow up? Where did he go to college? Is he he married? You get the idea. The better you can understand his past history, you can start to put together his motives.

Lastly, you need to keep your job options open. While this current scenario may not last long, it is already uncomfortable for you. Start looking now, and start interviewing sooner rather than later. It is better to leave your current position on your own determination, than to be forced out. It is also easier to land a new job when you are already employed.
 
I saw this asked a few times, but didn’t see where you answered it.

Are you in a union?
 
Brendan_64 said:
I would be very careful about getting your union involved. Sadly, this can backfire on you big time. Once the union rep has left the building, you could end up being victimised to the point where you are effectively forced to leave.

When dealing with bullies you need to realise that their brains are wired differently from other people’s brains. Most people, when they see someone in pain (even if they have caused the pain) feel empathy towards that person,but bullies do not. Bullies will see this pain as an opportunity to use to their advantage, as an opportunity to cause more pain, bullies get a kick out of hurting people. So you cannot reason with a bully or try to appeal to his better nature, because you will be wasting your time.

With a bully, do not show any sign of upset, do not give the bully any hint whatsoever that they are upsetting you or stressing you out. If they are then hide it at all costs. Do not tell them that they are upsetting you, they will only see this as an opportunity to upset you even more.
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There is a lot a union representative can do that is short of filing a grievance. They can inform you of your options. They can inform you and your administration of existing district policies about which you or they might not know. They can assist you with mediation regarding an issue that isn’t in policy. THey can offer compromises. And most importantly, they can act as a third party witness to whatever is said in any meetings between a teacher and the administrator. My district highly recommends never having any meeting regarding a problem without the building rep present.
 
Allegra said:
There is a lot a union representative can do that is short of filing a grievance. They can inform you of your options. They can inform you and your administration of existing district policies about which you or they might not know. They can assist you with mediation regarding an issue that isn’t in policy. THey can offer compromises. And most importantly, they can act as a third party witness to whatever is said in any meetings between a teacher and the administrator. My district highly recommends never having any meeting regarding a problem without the building rep present.
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Yes, they can indeed do all those things. However, the very fact that you bring in a union rep can be enough to have a bullying boss ratchet up pressure on you and make your life hell. Schools are pretty much dictatorships and the Headteacher has more or less complete control of everything and everyone in the school.
 
Brendan_64 said:
Yes, they can indeed do all those things. However, the very fact that you bring in a union rep can be enough to have a bullying boss ratchet up pressure on you and make your life hell. Schools are pretty much dictatorships and the Headteacher has more or less complete control of everything and everyone in the school.
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You will generally find that is not the case in most American school districts. As I said, it is common for districts to instruct admins to always have the union rep present at all meetings where it is appropriate. In my district, retailiation for bringing in the union rep is considered harrassment and is likely to result in an immediate termination. At another school in my district, it literally resulted in a legal restraining order being filed and the district was required by the court to remove the administrator for the remainder of their contract and hire a sub. My state isn’t known for being a very pro-union state either.
 
Yes, I am in good standing with the union. I have been very hesitant to go to them, however, because of the backlash I am afraid might occur when they are not there. Principals have so many fun ways to make life extremely difficult. However, I should probably do whatever is the right thing to do to protect innocents.
 
Allegra said:
You will generally find that is not the case in most American school districts. As I said, it is common for districts to instruct admins to always have the union rep present at all meetings where it is appropriate. In my district, retailiation for bringing in the union rep is considered harrassment and is likely to result in an immediate termination. At another school in my district, it literally resulted in a legal restraining order being filed and the district was required by the court to remove the administrator for the remainder of their contract and hire a sub. My state isn’t known for being a very pro-union state either.
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WOW! If I could be assured that this would happen if anything came back at me for utilizing union support, I’d definitely go to the union. I do not believe our union has any real authority in our district, however.
 
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