Need help with son who is bisexual

[memphian]

I’ll leave the general responsibility issue to the other commenters.

But I would not refuse to take him to the event just because it’s a Gay Pride event, simply because it might not have been his call to perform for the event.

Absolutely agree.

Yes, I have thought that if he doesn’t participate in the event it could cause a problem. If I were in the cast, that’s an issue I’d stand and hold my ground. Just as I refuse to take him.

FYI, I am supporting him with his participation in the play. I plan on attending the play, as I have already provided him rides to and from rehearsals.

 

[CatholicSpirit]

Agreed. I’m seeking advice on attending the event, not on totally rejecting my son.

I hear ya, there are some who need to get information from a source. In case you needed to hear the more accepting side of the argument from a valid source (Priest), the information is right there (site).

I speak with Priests often about my concerns about personal things and some give different answers until it say how I feel. Then, their information usually aligns. For example: I don’t believe confession (Sacrament of Reconciliation) is as shallow as most. I literally believe it to be so strong that the devil could tempt you to the absolute worst sin right outside the Church and the Sacrament is powerful enough to smash anything that was there.

Btw: Mentioning confession is not relating to your boy, it’s just that it is one of my biggest strengths in the faith. There are a lot of people who can send you to harsh criticisms from centuries, but God is on our side and at the right times he may even put you in a place to share what he has going on. I felt that way when I saved that info and gave it to you. Funny thing is, you are in a way better position to spread it then me now. So, I would follow up with them, get all the info you can, and be ready to share if someones in a crisis.

I have gay relatives that are baptized Catholic and hit them up on facebook like “hey, we don’t instantly say you are going to hell.” It’s good to do that for people you love.

 

[gracepoole]

My wife, my mother (who he is living with) and cast members are helping him get to and from rehearsals. We are trying to support him and encourage him and communicate to him we deeply love him.

Your wife and mother shouldn’t be giving him rides. He shouldn’t be living with your mother either. I realize you want to encourage and support him in a responsible way. But he’s made choices as an adult (foolish though they may have been). If one wants to make choices as an adult, one must also experience the responsibility that accompanies adulthood.

For what it’s worth… :twocents:

 

[JPUSC]

On my end, while he was in high school, I did a lot of yelling - I was under serious job pressures and in a depression. We have been through ups and downs, and we have been in a lot of prayer for him and really working to rebuild the relationship.

Maybe that’s why he’s acting up.

Just drive him and attend the Pride event and show your support. Go to confession afterwards if it really makes you feel guilty to attend. Supporting your son is important.

Be careful about bringing up the religious stuff too much, it could drive him away from you even more.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

Maybe that’s why he’s acting up.

Just drive him and attend the Pride event and show your support. Go to confession afterwards if it really makes you feel guilty to attend. Supporting your son is important.
.

Not good advice here, sorry. That’s not how the sacrament of confession works. Committing a sin with the intent of “just going to confession afterwards” is called presumption and is a serious sin in and of itself.

Probably the OP knows that, but just wanted to clarify for others who may come across this thread.

 

[JPUSC]

Not good advice here, sorry. That’s not how the sacrament of confession works. Committing a sin with the intent of “just going to confession afterwards” is called presumption and is a serious sin in and of itself.

Probably the OP knows that, but just wanted to clarify for others who may come across this thread.

There is a Catholic presence in these parades. I’ve seen pictures of parishes and orders of priests organizing groups to attend. Even the Jesuits’ internal seminary study guides views these events in a positive light.

How is simply going to it a sin anyway?

 

[MaryT777]

Not good advice here, sorry. That’s not how the sacrament of confession works. Committing a sin with the intent of “just going to confession afterwards” is called presumption and is a serious sin in and of itself.

Probably the OP knows that, but just wanted to clarify for others who may come across this thread.

I’m glad you clarified the sin of presumption as I was thinking the same thing myself.

Mary.

 

[Peter_J]

Just drive him and attend the Pride event and show your support.

Admittedly I’ve never been to one, but from everything I’ve heard it seems like “gay pride” events create a false dichotomy: they make it seem like you must either support gay people and gay sex (and hence deny Catholic teaching that the latter is sinful) or else oppose both.

 

[EnglishTeacher]

There is a Catholic presence in these parades. I’ve seen pictures of parishes and orders of priests organizing groups to attend. Even the Jesuits’ internal seminary study guides views these events in a positive light.

How is simply going to it a sin anyway?

Doesn’t make it right. There is widespread confusion on this issue, even among Catholics; and there are many in the Church that are seeking to increase the confusion and water down the Church’s teaching. The teaching of the Church is actually quite straightforward. From the Catechism:

2357 Homosexuality refers to relations between men or between women who experience an exclusive or predominant sexual attraction toward persons of the same sex. It has taken a great variety of forms through the centuries and in different cultures. Its psychological genesis remains largely unexplained. Basing itself on Sacred Scripture, which presents homosexual acts as acts of grave depravity,141 tradition has always declared that "homosexual acts are intrinsically disordered."142 They are contrary to the natural law. They close the sexual act to the gift of life. They do not proceed from a genuine affective and sexual complementarity. Under no circumstances can they be approved.

2358 The number of men and women who have deep-seated homosexual tendencies is not negligible. This inclination, which is objectively disordered, constitutes for most of them a trial. They must be accepted with respect, compassion, and sensitivity. Every sign of unjust discrimination in their regard should be avoided. These persons are called to fulfill God’s will in their lives and, if they are Christians, to unite to the sacrifice of the Lord’s Cross the difficulties they may encounter from their condition.

2359 Homosexual persons are called to chastity. By the virtues of self-mastery that teach them inner freedom, at times by the support of disinterested friendship, by prayer and sacramental grace, they can and should gradually and resolutely approach Christian perfection.

I am pretty sure that the “gay pride” parades are not about helping people practice chastity and grow in holiness. There is no good reason for a Catholic to participate in one. There are better ways to help our brothers and sisters who struggle with same-sex attraction.

 

[JPUSC]

If Roman Catholic clergy and parish groups can go in organized groups, then us ordinary folks can go too.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

If Roman Catholic clergy and parish groups can go in organized groups, then us ordinary folks can go too.

It depends on the pride event. There are some no God fearing person should be at without one holy water and a priest that knows the rite of excorsism.

 

[esieffe]

1 sounds like you have a rocky relationship with a 20 year old. I’d recommend keeping the irresponsibility and bisexuality separate. You need to cut strings financially. He needs his own space to learn and fail, and to buy his own insurance. Not, pay mom and dad but actually be independent. And yes, he may not be responsible and get car insurance and he may lose his license. That may have to happen without your interference. If it’s your car he is driving, remedy that.
2. It’s wonderful that he has direction and passion in one aspect. His acting. You should support that and be proud of his skills and accomplishments. This is the area in which you should forge your bond and keep the relationship healthy.
I don’t know if you mentioned if he is living with you or not but if he is, it’s your right and parental responsibility, yes, even at 20 to ensure your house has rules, no guys or girls, spending the night etc.
3. While remaining supportive do not engage in pride or LGBT events with him.
4. The “your choice” comment was unfortunate. It invites defensiveness. He must know your disapproval so hounding it is unproductive. Ignoring the LGBT normalcy comments and politely changing the subject is the way to go.
5. You virtually leave out your your faith life and His in your information. Why? Is he involved in Church? Did you live a faithful household growing up, praying together, discussing the faith etc?
6. Get your behind to adoration. Do this often. Have a schedule!

Good advice above OP. I think it is critical, during this situation that you firmly ground yourselves in the church. I don’t know if you do a rosary a day, but make time for it if you don’t. Pull the stops out on your prayer life. You have my prayers.

PS: I myself would not pay for my son or daughter’s college education in drama. It is tough as nails out in the workplace for young people now with “in demand” degrees. If he wants to pursue that, I would suggest he gets what grant money he can and go to a community college. That’s just me.

 

[memphian]

Good advice above OP. I think it is critical, during this situation that you firmly ground yourselves in the church. I don’t know if you do a rosary a day, but make time for it if you don’t. Pull the stops out on your prayer life. You have my prayers.

PS: I myself would not pay for my son or daughter’s college education in drama. It is tough as nails out in the workplace for young people now with “in demand” degrees. If he wants to pursue that, I would suggest he gets what grant money he can and go to a community college. That’s just me.

Trust me, I’ve seriously thought about that. I’m thinking about providing money for the general requirements, once his behavior improves. He does often talk about getting a high school teaching certification, but seems ambivalent. Then, he’s talked about getting a 2 year associates in drama and heading out for Disneyworld. He has been a Seaworld performer (not a swimmer or trainer) but in shows as an comedian/actor with seals. Honestly, the kid can act. It does seem to be a gift of some sort. But he is painfully aware of cost of education and seen his peers walk away with thousands in debt, only to get a drama degree or worse, not even finish.

Rosaries and Divine Mercy Chaplets are helping. He is in a state of misery right now due to his own actions. I think that might be a sign God is working, but I don’t want to read too deeply into it. More than college, the kid wants a car, but I provided one. I learned from it, and now – so shall he.

 

[memphian]

Your wife and mother shouldn’t be giving him rides. He shouldn’t be living with your mother either. I realize you want to encourage and support him in a responsible way. But he’s made choices as an adult (foolish though they may have been). If one wants to make choices as an adult, one must also experience the responsibility that accompanies adulthood.

For what it’s worth… :twocents:

I appreciate your thoughts. He was supposed to live with my mom and go to school, but then went haywire. He left, lived with a bunch of folks, and then they all were kicked out. My mom opened the door back up to him, and pretty much told me her actions were between them. (“I lived with an alcoholic for 30 years, I know what I’m doing”). I wanted a timeline for him to get a job and move out but this is their agreement - until she goes nuts.

My wife and I agreed to help with the play to keep him busy and away from his wayward friends. The play will end soon, and I’ll take it from there. Your words are helpful, and will keep them in mind.

 

[ItTakesAllKinds]

Several thoughts came to mind, as I read your post. Weigh my advice with the fact that I am not Christian, though. I think my advice can be applied to people of any faith, though.

First, your son is struggling. Others have suggested you not conflate the irresponsibility with the bisexuality. I would tend to agree, but don’t underestimate how upsetting his life may be to him right now. It sounds like he is not able to rely on himself and he is also struggling with his parents not accepting the essence of who he is with regards to his sexuality. That is a big bowl of upset at any age, but especially for someone who is entering adulthood.

Second, I would suggest an open conversation with him about his sexuality. This is something I think you all need to agree to disagree on. Politics and religion may be other areas. Especially when living together, to keep the peace and be respectful maybe you all should just agree to not talk about these things. This would require respect of your son’s privacy. For example, he doesn’t need to tell you he is participating in the gay pride parade. Of course, this means he needs to secure his own transportation. There is a reason a lot of 20 year olds don’t live at home anymore, right?

Third, it sounds like you have helped him a lot, financially. Maybe it is time to tell him you can’t do it anymore. My parents never helped me that way once I was your son’s age. It was sink or swim for me. I made a lot of mistakes, but that is sort of what life is about.

And finally, if you choose to have your son’s lifestyle choices off the table for discussion, know that this will most definitely create a certain degree of alienation. Make sure you are comfortable with that. In other words, a certain level of intimacy between you and your child will be diminished. To a certain extent, his sexuality is a big part of who he is. If he isn’t able to share that aspect of his life with you (who he is dating, what social issues matter to him, etc.) then you will be missing out on a part of who he is.

You sound like loving parents who want the best for your child. It is hard to watch your child fall. Figuring out how to make sure they know you love them when you aren’t fostering poor choices (speaking about his irresponsibility; not his sexuality, here) is sometimes really hard. Be willing to keep these decisions on a spiritual level and I know it will be fine.

 

[poche]

I don’t know the answer to that.
The best answer I can give in these situations is to love him, pray for him, be nice to his friends.

 

[Peter_J]

I don’t know the answer to that.
The best answer I can give in these situations is to love him, pray for him, be nice to his friends.

Yes I think that needs to be stressed: disapproving of immoral acts doesn’t mean disapproving of his friends as people.

And I would add on to that: be careful not to assume, or appear to assume, that gay or bisexual people are guilty of any acts that they may or may not engage in.

 

[ConfusedLucy]

What really strikes me reading this is that your son needs to be encouraged to grow into an adult, It’s very bad for a young adults self-esteem to not feel like an adult. He needs to take responsibility for his transportation and finances and you need to let him make his own decisions and mistakes. He doesn’t have to tell you everything or seek your approval either.

Does he have any opportunities to spend some time living elsewhere such as working or studying abroad or a least a different town for a year.

 

[poche]

Yes I think that needs to be stressed: disapproving of immoral acts doesn’t mean disapproving of his friends as people.

And I would add on to that: be careful not to assume, or appear to assume, that gay or bisexual people are guilty of any acts that they may or may not engage in.

They could also be an opportunity for evangelization.

 

[kozlosap]

Trust me, I’ve seriously thought about that. I’m thinking about providing money for the general requirements, once his behavior improves. He does often talk about getting a high school teaching certification, but seems ambivalent. Then, he’s talked about getting a 2 year associates in drama and heading out for Disneyworld. He has been a Seaworld performer (not a swimmer or trainer) but in shows as an comedian/actor with seals. Honestly, the kid can act. It does seem to be a gift of some sort. But he is painfully aware of cost of education and seen his peers walk away with thousands in debt, only to get a drama degree or worse, not even finish.

Rosaries and Divine Mercy Chaplets are helping. He is in a state of misery right now due to his own actions. I think that might be a sign God is working, but I don’t want to read too deeply into it. More than college, the kid wants a car, but I provided one. I learned from it, and now – so shall he.

Please remember that a twenty year old young man is not an adult yet in brain functioning. The rate of suicide in teens and twenty somethings that identify as LGBTQ is quite a bit higher than in the population who identify as straight. Maybe a psychologist would be able to help him figure out why he self destructed during his time at college and help him find goals and coping mechanisms. I’m praying for your family.