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TranquilAbiding

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Hi I am writing because I need some advice on how to handle anger. I am married to a woman who has anger issues. Her spectacular, angry outbursts stimulate anger in me. Another separate but related issue concerns criticism. When my wife criticizes me, I react angrily.

None of this is good for our toddler daughter to see.

I cannot control my wife’s outbursts but I can learn to control my own.

Can you suggest spritual practices I can undertake to reduce anger? As someone investigating the Catholic faith, I sometimes pray the Rosary.

Any suggestions would help.

Thanks.
 
Pray the Rosary daily & ask for help with your anger along with your wife’s anger problem. I truly believe the Rosary helps bring humility along with peace to our lives. It doesn’t happen overnight, so you need to have patience & perseverance along with not giving up hope.
 
I have some good thoughts on this based on a course I am involved in a Prison Ministry. (Not that you are angry enough to go to prison ;))

I will post this later this evening, when I have some more time available.

In the meantime praying for you…
 
The rosary is a good place to start, but professional help for you (and your wife, if she is willing) will give you the emotional tools you need to handle these situations. You are right, a hostile atmosphere like that is not good for your young child, sooner or later she will shock you by using the same words and actions she sees you use when your are angry. Kids that age see and imitate everything.
 
TranquilAbiding said:
Hi I am writing because I need some advice on how to handle anger. I am married to a woman who has anger issues. Her spectacular, angry outbursts stimulate anger in me. Another separate but related issue concerns criticism. When my wife criticizes me, I react angrily.
None of this is good for our toddler daughter to see.
I cannot control my wife’s outbursts but I can learn to control my own.
Can you suggest spritual practices I can undertake to reduce anger? As someone investigating the Catholic faith, I sometimes pray the Rosary.
Any suggestions would help.
Thanks.
Click to expand...
The Rosary, is a good start. Even better, would be saying the rosary together as a family.
For more depth, consider doing a family consecration: familyland.be/family_consecration/introduction-to-consecration-to-the-holy-family.html

Also, good to read and then discuss together with your wife: familyland.be/mercy/68-alone-with-god.html

Both of these exercises will strengthen your relationships with God and each other, because both are important! If either is lacking, there will be no happiness in the family.

It’s funny how many learn to develop a faith life and prayer life (solo), but expend little effort towards developing a FAMILY faith & prayer life, which is essential to living the consecration of the marriage bond.

God bless!,

-G
 
Have you considered therapy with a trusted minister?

Question-(don’t just laugh it off, it might be important)-Do you get enough exercise? Sometimes you have a build up of energy that needs to be released. If anger is the only way to do it, then it gets released through anger.

I’m no shrink, and this isn’t medical advice, just something to think of.
 
If both you and your spouse get into the pattern of spiraling escalations of anger, then professional help may be indicated. Your daughter deserves to grow up in an emotionally healthy environment. Perhaps even reading a couple of books on anger management might help you understand what is going on…

For more routine situations I found the thing that helped me the most to control my temper was to stop praying for patience and to start praying for a sense of humor instead. I also like to ask myself whether what I’m getting upset about will matter in 5 years. That helps bring some perspective to run of the mill irritations.

As for criticisms from your spouse, try to figure out why they make you so angry. Is it the how they are delivered or the underlying criticism that you are objecting to? Are the criticisms being raised calmly in private, or is your wife swearing at you and calling you names either privately or worse, in front of an audience? If what bothers you is the method, then I would wait until things are calm and tell your spouse that you are willing to discuss any of your shortcomings as long as you are treated with respect and it is done in private. The next time she starts insulting you and disrespecting you just remind her that you are willing to discuss this calmly, in private.

As to the actual criticisms, I learned a valuable but painful lesson from my best friend. She counseled me to actually listen to my husband when he has complaints and then seriously (in humility) consider whether the criticisms have any merit. God can and will use your spouse to make you a better person, but sometimes that involves addressing our short comings. IF your spouse has a valid criticism, let them know you intend to work on it and then do so. If the criticism is wrong, then calmly state your perspective on the issue and try not to take it personally.

If the person doing the criticizing is just the type of person that always seems negative and just likes to harp on and on, a surprisingly effective technique is to just agree with them and even ask for more criticisms. It’s truely amazing how quickly they give up and might even start defending you. For example as you start eating dinner:
Them: You burnt the chicken.
You: You’re right. Don’t you think the mashed potatoes are a little dry to?
Them: Maybe
You: And the carrots, do they need a little more butter?
Them: Huh? No, no the carrots are fine. Let’s just eat… (You can actually see them getting confused and their mood shifting)
I think this technique works because from the beginning you are reminding yourself that you are dealing with a difficult person and that you are treating it like a game instead of taking it personally and letting things escalate.
 
To overcome a vice, work on the opposite virtue.

You get angry when criticized. Does that mean you lack humility?

John Michael Talbot has a wonderful song, you can buy it here

amazon.com/Theresas-Prayer-Heart-Shepherd-Version/dp/B000TECK5U/ref=sr_1_15?ie=UTF8&s=dmusic&qid=1270861086&sr=1-15

Ask St Teresa of Avila to help, this prayer may help you:

Let nothing trouble you, let nothing make you afraid. All things pass away. God never changes. Patience obtains everything. God alone is enough. *- *
 
The Rosary is an excellent suggestion. Perhaps a good prayer intention could be better communication between you and your wife. Most likely there are issues she hasn’t faced if she becomes angry and critical frequently.

Hopefully, when she is in a calm mood you can discuss this problem. It would help if she realized that this is a serious problem.

Such outbursts will negatively affect your children if allowed to continue.
 
Good advice so far.

VERY good book on the subject, (and not just for women!!!)
The Dance of Anger: A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships (Harriet Lerner)
(Author) “Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to…”

Read it. It has a lot of truth to it.
 
Thank you everyone, for your excellent advice. I live with a difficult person. But, she probably says the same about me.

Please pray for me.
 
Sirach_43 said:
If both you and your spouse get into the pattern of spiraling escalations of anger, then professional help may be indicated. Your daughter deserves to grow up in an emotionally healthy environment. Perhaps even reading a couple of books on anger management might help you understand what is going on…

For more routine situations I found the thing that helped me the most to control my temper was to stop praying for patience and to start praying for a sense of humor instead. I also like to ask myself whether what I’m getting upset about will matter in 5 years. That helps bring some perspective to run of the mill irritations.

As for criticisms from your spouse, try to figure out why they make you so angry. Is it the how they are delivered or the underlying criticism that you are objecting to? Are the criticisms being raised calmly in private, or is your wife swearing at you and calling you names either privately or worse, in front of an audience? If what bothers you is the method, then I would wait until things are calm and tell your spouse that you are willing to discuss any of your shortcomings as long as you are treated with respect and it is done in private. The next time she starts insulting you and disrespecting you just remind her that you are willing to discuss this calmly, in private.

As to the actual criticisms, I learned a valuable but painful lesson from my best friend. She counseled me to actually listen to my husband when he has complaints and then seriously (in humility) consider whether the criticisms have any merit. God can and will use your spouse to make you a better person, but sometimes that involves addressing our short comings. IF your spouse has a valid criticism, let them know you intend to work on it and then do so. If the criticism is wrong, then calmly state your perspective on the issue and try not to take it personally.

If the person doing the criticizing is just the type of person that always seems negative and just likes to harp on and on, a surprisingly effective technique is to just agree with them and even ask for more criticisms. It’s truely amazing how quickly they give up and might even start defending you. For example as you start eating dinner:
Them: You burnt the chicken.
You: You’re right. Don’t you think the mashed potatoes are a little dry to?
Them: Maybe
You: And the carrots, do they need a little more butter?
Them: Huh? No, no the carrots are fine. Let’s just eat… (You can actually see them getting confused and their mood shifting)
I think this technique works because from the beginning you are reminding yourself that you are dealing with a difficult person and that you are treating it like a game instead of taking it personally and letting things escalate.
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I really like this approach, thanks! I will start agreeing more!!!
 
I could have written your post a couple of years ago. Eventually DH and I went to counseling where we discovered he was dealing with depression and some irritability and agression relating to it. With medication and counseling we were able to get past it and today we have the peaceful house we longed for (most days anyway!) Also we went to a Retrouvaille (retrouvaille.org) weekend last September and that has made such a giant improvement in our marriage and our understanding of each other. Best wishes to you!
 
samovila said:
I could have written your post a couple of years ago. Eventually DH and I went to counseling where we discovered he was dealing with depression and some irritability and agression relating to it. With medication and counseling we were able to get past it and today we have the peaceful house we longed for (most days anyway!) Also we went to a Retrouvaille (retrouvaille.org) weekend last September and that has made such a giant improvement in our marriage and our understanding of each other. Best wishes to you!
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Thank you for your post, samovila. You have touched upon some good points. I, too, struggle with depression, irritability, and aggression. My wife has similar issues. I’ve often felt that she is the second angriest person I’ve ever met- with me being the first.

I have been in psychotherapy and on anti-depressant medication for quite some time. But it turns out the medication was having some bad side effects. It was exacerbating my condition & causing impulsivity and addictions. It was rough. I am almost off the medication now and feeling much better.

A second major problem has been lack of communication tools. For this, I have been studying the work of Marshall Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication: cnvc.org/. I checked out some audio CD’s from my local library narrated by Marshall which have helped me tremendously in communication my feelings to my wife and making empathic connections & being present to her. Of course, I have much more work to do.

Another problem in the mix has been my lack of a spiritual center. I’ve been on a spiritual quest since the age of sixteen that has led me to the Catholic Church. I am looking to join the RCIA program in the fall. And I have never felt better than I have felt in recent days after having attended Mass and talking to the RCIA director.

Thanks for the link to the marriage program. I appreciate it.

Mark
 
I like Sirach’s defusing technique. My wife is far from an angry person, but sometimes she can be defensive as I am. Because I can be sharp tongued, she frequently thinks I’m being critical when I’m not. Lampooning the situation is excellent, though of course you should only use it in cases where there aren’t real issues to deal with. That dinner scenario was one that fits perfectly, though I’m sure there are plenty of other scenarios where a small issue escalates into a big fight for no reason. Agreeing/lampooning is perfect, provided you’re making it clear you’re not being sarcastic in order to hurt the other person but simply to turn a potential fight into an opportunity to laugh.

Be sure to evaluate the physical side of this too. With a small child it can be tough to get the exercise you really do need to keep all of your hormones balanced and body strong.

Good luck and God bless on your conversion journey as well.
 
TranquilAbiding said:
Thank you for your post, samovila. You have touched upon some good points. I, too, struggle with depression, irritability, and aggression. My wife has similar issues. I’ve often felt that she is the second angriest person I’ve ever met- with me being the first.

I have been in psychotherapy and on anti-depressant medication for quite some time. But it turns out the medication was having some bad side effects. It was exacerbating my condition & causing impulsivity and addictions. It was rough. I am almost off the medication now and feeling much better.

A second major problem has been lack of communication tools. For this, I have been studying the work of Marshall Rosenberg and Nonviolent Communication: cnvc.org/. I checked out some audio CD’s from my local library narrated by Marshall which have helped me tremendously in communication my feelings to my wife and making empathic connections & being present to her. Of course, I have much more work to do.

Another problem in the mix has been my lack of a spiritual center. I’ve been on a spiritual quest since the age of sixteen that has led me to the Catholic Church. I am looking to join the RCIA program in the fall. And I have never felt better than I have felt in recent days after having attended Mass and talking to the RCIA director.

Thanks for the link to the marriage program. I appreciate it.

Mark
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Retrouvaille provided a wonderful communication tool for us and follow up support in the form of monthly meetings. Also, with the antidepressant medication, it took us a while to find the right one. I thnk we tried 3 or 4 until we found one that had minimal side effects and really helped to manage the depression and irritability. DH also takes medication to treat some bipolar symptoms that sometimes exhibit in impulsive agression and what I can only describe as temper tantrums. Finding the right medication has been a miracle for us. I finally feel like we have a normal, healthy relationship now that the depression symptoms are all under control. You may want to find a different doctor to work with you on dosages and different types of medication to find the right one. My husband’s doctor monitors him with regular blood tests to make sure the level of medication in his system is good and to make sure he’s not experiencing any danger ous side effects.

I’ve read several books related to communication, relationships, and anger and none of it helped one bit while we were dealing with the depression. I never understood until I went through this with my husband that depression is a real sickness that must be treated before dealing with other behavioral or relationship issues.
 
TranquilAbiding said:
Hi I am writing because I need some advice on how to handle anger. I am married to a woman who has anger issues. Her spectacular, angry outbursts stimulate anger in me. Another separate but related issue concerns criticism. When my wife criticizes me, I react angrily.

None of this is good for our toddler daughter to see.

I cannot control my wife’s outbursts but I can learn to control my own.

Can you suggest spritual practices I can undertake to reduce anger? As someone investigating the Catholic faith, I sometimes pray the Rosary.

Any suggestions would help.

Thanks.
Click to expand...
I experienced a similar challenge with my husband. He would often make critical remarks to me about my parenting and other things that I do (sometimes in jest). I used to get defensive when he would make his remarks and I would brood about the comments which would make me more upset. Because of my attitude of “poor me” this created an atmosphere of tension in our home.

How did I overcome this? 1. Prayer (the rosary is good - I still try to pray it daily). I also pray for peace in my home and I also pray for my husband.; 2. Offering up your suffering to our Lord and thank the Lord for letting you share in his cross; 3. Realize this. It takes two to argue (I know, cliche) and that one cannot change another person. One can only change how one reacts to another person. 4. Realize that the other person may actually have good points although delivered in an inappropriate manner. I learned to actually listen to what my husband was saying about me. In truth, a good portion of what he was saying about me was true. 5. Be the first person to attempt reconcilation even if the other person has never done it and may never do it. 6. Avoid bad counsel from others. Other people (especially the members of your side of family) will be quick to take your side and promote your feelings of injustice regarding your spouse. 7. Try to change for your spouse. If your spouse criticizes you for doing or not doing a particular thing, try to accomodate her - yes, truly try without bitterness or resentment. 8. Realize that it will take some time to do #1-#7 before you see improvement in your relationship.

I hope this helps. I thank God for helping me overcome my anger issues with my spouse. My attitude has totally changed thanks be to God. I no longer brood or feel “poor me.” I hope that you will find this, too. I will pray for you and your spouse.
 
houston1 said:
I experienced a similar challenge with my husband. He would often make critical remarks to me about my parenting and other things that I do (sometimes in jest). I used to get defensive when he would make his remarks and I would brood about the comments which would make me more upset. Because of my attitude of “poor me” this created an atmosphere of tension in our home.

How did I overcome this? 1. Prayer (the rosary is good - I still try to pray it daily). I also pray for peace in my home and I also pray for my husband.; 2. Offering up your suffering to our Lord and thank the Lord for letting you share in his cross; 3. Realize this. It takes two to argue (I know, cliche) and that one cannot change another person. One can only change how one reacts to another person. 4. Realize that the other person may actually have good points although delivered in an inappropriate manner. I learned to actually listen to what my husband was saying about me. In truth, a good portion of what he was saying about me was true. 5. Be the first person to attempt reconcilation even if the other person has never done it and may never do it. 6. Avoid bad counsel from others. Other people (especially the members of your side of family) will be quick to take your side and promote your feelings of injustice regarding your spouse. 7. Try to change for your spouse. If your spouse criticizes you for doing or not doing a particular thing, try to accomodate her - yes, truly try without bitterness or resentment. 8. Realize that it will take some time to do #1-#7 before you see improvement in your relationship.

I hope this helps. I thank God for helping me overcome my anger issues with my spouse. My attitude has totally changed thanks be to God. I no longer brood or feel “poor me.” I hope that you will find this, too. I will pray for you and your spouse.
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Thank you for your post, houston1.

It is very true, other people (especially the members of my side of the family) will be quick to take my side and promote my feelings of injustice. Even trusted friends and couselors will do the same.

#7 is very important. Just last night, my wife said something that I would have wanted her to say; i.e. she expressed how she was feeling and made a clear request of me. However, the way she said it hurt alot. She makes requests in the form of complaints. The challenge is to put aside the hurt and see through the criticism to find the unmet need. This falls under the category of #4, delivering remarks in an inappropriate manner. Yes, #4 is so true.

Thanks.
 
I used to be the angry, bitter wife until I went to an Alpha Marriage Course. It opened my eyes to what my DH needed from me.
Additionally, I went for counseling and in the process was diagnosed with severe mood swings that I simply could not control without meds. It has been 6 years of tranquility in our house now.
 
Musician said:
I used to be the angry, bitter wife until I went to an Alpha Marriage Course. It opened my eyes to what my DH needed from me.
Additionally, I went for counseling and in the process was diagnosed with severe mood swings that I simply could not control without meds. It has been 6 years of tranquility in our house now.
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I am glad to hear you are doing well, Musician. I am feeling alot better about myself now that I have started attending Mass regularly.

Can you tell me what ‘DH’ stands for? (Dedicated Husand?).
 
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