Need help!

[SheLa]

Hello everyone,
This is my second post since I had just joined yesterday, and I just want your opinion and support or advice if you have any.

This might get long… But if you have the time, please read and help me!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years going on 3. And everything was okay for the first year. We were very intimate and did things that only married couples have the privilege of doing, sex, but at the beginning of this year he decided to take things seriously. We stopped being intimate in that aspect. I respect him for it and went along with him on this seeing that in his eyes he felt it was wrong for us to be doing it. We’re both Catholics… I feel he’s more of a Catholic than I am. Of course, only because I was raised in a shamanistic family and that I still hold some traditions and beliefs about it even though I was baptized Catholic at a young age after I had moved away from family members.

Well, getting back on topic… I can see it felt wrong to him. I listened to him, went along with him and now I find myself having troubles. At first he didn’t even mention to me he wanted to stop being intimate. Every time I tried to kiss him he’d pull away. It started making me feel like I was unattractive and that maybe he’s been seeing or talking to another woman. A few weeks went by and I caught him texting another woman who I’ve never heard of. He admitted she was pretty but not as beautiful as me. I felt hurt and when I saw her photo, it hurt me even more… She almost looked like me but a little more thinner and with beautiful big eyes.

Regardless… I told him how I felt. We did work that problem out. I trust he’s not talking to her in a way some men do now a days, to get some of “that”. Well… That’s not the problem though.

So I basically found out he didn’t want to have sex anymore, and I told him I was okay with it thinking as long as we can have those intimate passionate long kisses he gives me that I like so much, I can live without having intercourse in my life until we marry each other. Boy was I wrong… He limited himself to only pecking or sometimes not even kissing… That’s when I really felt like just giving up. But I love him too much and I tried reasoning with him why. He said because its only what married couples should do.

We have other issues but one of my main concerns is with this one (kissing passionately). If I can’t have that in my relationship… I always feel I’m not attractive enough and it discourages me so much I go into a little depression mode…

I try being the best girlfriend I can be for him. I listen to him, try to communicate to him my needs and wants. I try to change for him. I’ve gone to confession, started going to church with him every Sunday, trying to abstain from sex until marriage/keeping our purity, and so far it’s been a success though I’ve had temptations to do it (I talk it out with him and he always tries to help me through it as well saying he has those moments too).

It’s because of that, that I want to hurry it up and get married… But I know it won’t happen until years from now when were both financially stable and can support a family (I’m talking about 4-7 years from now). I’m also 21 and I know I have plenty of time to give him.

What do you think I should do? (Seeing that this is a catholic form I felt like I need some guidance and help because I’m also trying to see his point of view in all this relationship stuff).

I want to also be a better person in the eyes of God. I’ve talked with my siblings about him and I, some support it others say I should leave him. It’s difficult since I feel he is the one for me and he’s the one who will help me be a better person though we may get in some heated arguments, we always talk things out and never leave each other angry.

Well thanks for reading!! Sorry I must have been all over the place. Please feel free to comment and any help or advice would be great!

 

[abelin]

You’re in my prayers!
Regarding the other girl confront him properly about him and demand that he cease contact with her. Remind that he’s committing adultery by doing so which is a mortal sin. Try and persuade him to go to church with you more often to prove your devotion to our Lord

 

[KnightofSilence]

SheLa,

Firstly welcome to CAF!

Now you say that you have stopped being Sexually Intimate which is good, but you still like to kiss passionately with him, well this is perhaps a near occasion of sin, he may become aroused by this leading him into impure thoughts, and so he simply wants to avoid this.
It will not be that he finds you unattractive, he just wants to keep chaste.

 

[Joe_5859]

Welcome to CAF!

Of course, I’m not in a position to evaluate your boyfriend’s motives, but I can offer a few general observations and you can decide if that applies in your case or not.

Physical intimacy often works differently for guys and girls. While you might look at passionate kissing as your boyfriend letting you know how attractive he finds you, for a guy, passionate kissing that doesn’t lead to anything is like revving the engine of a car you do not plan on driving. It can be extremely frustrating and a big occassion to sin (i.e. leading a person to be far less likely to say “no” to committing a sin).

I think it’s great that your boyfriend is able to exercise such self restraint. That cannot be easy for him.

Take the time to pray together and talk to each other about these issues. I could be wrong, but I sense a lack of trust. That’s something you want to resolve.

Think about how such self-control and a desire to do what God wants rather than what he wants is a very desireable trait for a future-husband and future-father-of-your-children to possess. When you are older and life throws some hardships your way, that is the kind of guy you want in your corner.

 

[Joe_5859]

Just to add, I don’t really buy into the present societal expectation that both the man and the woman need to be 100% financially stable before marriage is even considered. I know plenty of people from my college days who married at your age while in school or just out of school. They’re all still married now 10-14 years later. You can build your shared life together rather than building separate lives to the point of stability and then merging them together.

Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with waiting. I just think too many take such a notion for granted and don’t consider other options. We don’t need the 50 thousand dollar wedding followed by moving immediately into a four bedroom house in the suburbs of which we already put down a 20% down payment.

I think sex plays into that whole narrative. If people partake in that benefit of marriage without the benefit of marriage, putting off marriage for 10 years doesn’t seem undoable.

 

[SheLa]

Thank you for your help everyone! I’m starting to understand bit by bit as to why he does that.

Just to add, I don’t really buy into the present societal expectation that both the man and the woman need to be 100% financially stable before marriage is even considered. I know plenty of people from my college days who married at your age while in school or just out of school. They’re all still married now 10-14 years later. You can build your shared life together rather than building separate lives to the point of stability and then merging them together.

Not that there’s anything inherently wrong with waiting. I just think too many take such a notion for granted and don’t consider other options. We don’t need the 50 thousand dollar wedding followed by moving immediately into a four bedroom house in the suburbs of which we already put down a 20% down payment.

And Joe 5859, I understand that… and I also know people who married young and even have a family of their own and are living perfectly okay. It’s just that my boyfriend seems to be the type who wants to have everything settled down before doing anything more. Yes, sometimes I hope he’d relax a bit more because he takes everything so seriously and we’re both young, but he has his goals set in life and I admire him for it and do my best to support him. I mean that’s all I’ve ever been so far, a supporting loving girlfriend… I don’t know how long it’ll be until he pops the question but I hope it wont take 10 years.
I mean… My biological clock is ticking and I sure do want to have a child before I’m 30…

Also, thank you for using the car as an example. Taking that and applying it to his life (since he loves cars) made sense to me in an unexplainable way. I don’t know how, but it made sense to me!

 

[Joe_5859]

Thank you for your help everyone! I’m starting to understand bit by bit as to why he does that.

And Joe 5859, I understand that… and I also know people who married young and even have a family of their own and are living perfectly okay. It’s just that my boyfriend seems to be the type who wants to have everything settled down before doing anything more. Yes, sometimes I hope he’d relax a bit more because he takes everything so seriously and we’re both young, but he has his goals set in life and I admire him for it and do my best to support him. I mean that’s all I’ve ever been so far, a supporting loving girlfriend… I don’t know how long it’ll be until he pops the question but I hope it wont take 10 years.
I mean… My biological clock is ticking and I sure do want to have a child before I’m 30…

Also, thank you for using the car as an example. Taking that and applying it to his life (since he loves cars) made sense to me in an unexplainable way. I don’t know how, but it made sense to me!

I’m glad my analogy made sense to you. A lot can get lost in translation with these issues, so I find analogies to be helpful.

I hope I didn’t come across as trying to push you into getting married ASAP. I like to toss out there the idea of getting married sooner rather than later because I think a lot of people just don’t consider doing things that way anymore. But every couple is going to be a bit different. I couldn’t have taken waiting that long. But then I didn’t start dating my wife till I was 25.

 

[Aggies08]

I hope I didn’t come across as trying to push you into getting married ASAP. I like to toss out there the idea of getting married sooner rather than later because I think a lot of people just don’t consider doing things that way anymore. But every couple is going to be a bit different. I couldn’t have taken waiting that long. But then I didn’t start dating my wife till I was 25.

I’ll second this. DON"T rush to marriage just because, but if you are both adults (pay your own way, although I’ll exclude health insurance), it may be something he should re think. DH and I were both 23, we’ve been married for 5 years, dated for 3, have kids, and it’s been great. Even the 200/mo for food no eating out days! We did wait until we had graduated our bachelors, and his field was one that paid well enough starting out- much better now that we’ve hit the 5 yr mark! There isn’t a perfect time- we were in an apartment for our first child, and it seemed odd, but it enabled us to save for a very nice house with a large down payment later. I know many who wait until 30+ so they can have children in a grand house, then have age-related fertility issues… so definitely talk to him about what and why he finds certain things necessary regarding that issue, if the marriage issue has been brought up before, and it’s appropriate

I guess I’m in the “build your lives together” camp rather than the “become self-sufficient before considering combining lives” camp.

I can tell you from experience, though, my DH hates anything that’s very “passionate” if we can’t go hop into bed at some point- it says it’s frustrating and makes him sore in certain areas, as well as making the wanting worse. Kid’s nap time has been most aggravating for him LOL.

 

[Kelfa28]

I’m under the mindset that there is no such thing as being “100% financially stable” to marry.

My husband and I are recently married and we are both in our late 20s.
We thought we were “financially stable” since we were almost making almost 6 figures between the two of us.
We started a family, I quit my job to stay at home and be a mom.

Then my husband was almost immediately laid off.

Go figure.

Keep in mind…neither of us had college degrees.
I can’t even go back to the company I worked for because they’ve completely folded up operations in this state and had massive layoffs themselves.

Millions of others are in the same situation. You make it work, you grow together, you learn to communicate and handle whatever life throws at you as a team.
I can understand the need to finish degrees. That is important…but waiting beyond that is borderline futile because you simply cannot predict what will happen, all the while you are getting more and more frustrated as time goes by.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

I’m only gonna speak to the financially stable thing. I got this in my first marriage when it came to many things, including children. Turns out he didn’t want children. Ever. He just couldn’t tell me outright, so he used his high sense of responsibility to delay it as long as he could.

Be careful.

 

[R_C]

Dear SheLa, notice how much in your post is about the physical and how little about the spiritual. You mention that as soon as the physical intimacy started to diminish, you had the impression that he was less interested in you, and how as soon as you noticed his stepping back from passionate kisses you felt like giving up (as if the means of expressing love had become the end or goal of the relationship, or love itself).

Do you think that this is how God meant a man and a woman to discover their calling to share their lives and become out of two, one?

Are those not accessories to true love, which is truly and purely a spiritual communion of two immortal souls that see in each other the face of the living God?

Being pretty, attractive, beautiful…are those things not just vanity that will pass in a matter of years?

True love is unselfish, self-giving, respectful…it dignifies both parties, and honors the higher dignity of the spouses by retaining certain practices until after wedlock. A true relationship is a solid link between two souls, which will automatically move them towards one another in a feeling of reciprocal peacefulness and joy - even in times of stress, tribulation, lack of passion, even anger! Couples argue, that’s no secret. And the more two people love one another, the harsher the arguments could be, because they greatly care about the other person’s opinion. But a true love relationship is rooted on that inner, spiritual, Christ-given peace that allows a relationship to see everything as a mere instance, a mere passing circumnstance that does not affect the core of the relationship no more than a storm cannot affect the rock-solid foundation of the house built by the wise man. Christ said to the Church: “peace I give you…in the world you will have tribulation, but I am with you always…remain in my love”.

We can clearly see from your description how Christ is taking an active part in your relationship. You mention how you see yourself humbly “less Catholic”, how you are taking steps towards the Church (which can only be inspired by God’s auxiliating grace and your openness to it), how you resist temptations and even discuss the matter with him (which is an excellent practice, since communication is essential), how you resisted temptations to give up when the physical aspect of the relationship was diminishing or was absent altogether.

You should introduce a more active prayer life in your relationship. Go to Mass together. Attend a Holy Hour before the Blessed Sacrament together at least once a week. Say a little prayer together here and now. Every so often, pray a Rosary together. These things create bounds that are stronger than any kiss or embrace will ever be, for they are spiritual bounds between the souls, and while all flesh shall turn to dust, the Spirit lives and gives life for ever. Prayer will help you both discern God’s will, and whether your vocation is truly to be together. Prayer will strengthen you in the virtue of chastity and continence, and help you reject temptations.

I want to speak a word of warning: do not even think about marriage if your sole prompting is intimacy. Wedlock is not that place where two people mutually satisfy their sexual drive. That is secondary. Chastity and continence require self-mastery, and they are totally up to each individual. Absence of proper self-mastery leads to trouble in marriage, and in the worst cases can lead to sins of adultery. Focus on establishing self-mastery here and now. To marry quickly in order to experience the pleasure of the marital embrace is as weak as a foundation gets, and a relationship based solely on this will crumble quickly.

Notice how you yourself have been experiencing these things: you said “*I feel he’s the one who will help me be a better person *”, and that is indeed the goal of those who love one another: to help one another become more holy, and if their vocation is marriage, then as spouses it will be to be God’s instrument for one another’s sanctification. Notice how you say: “though we may get in some heated arguments, we always talk things out and never leave each other angry.” There is something beautiful about this. Now notice what you say here:

I try being the best girlfriend I can be for him. I listen to him, try to communicate to him my needs and wants. I try to change for him. I want to also be a better person in the eyes of God.

This is very important. You realize that there are spiritual matters that are far more important than the vain things: to listen, to communicate.

You mention that you want to be a better person in the eyes of God, which is good. You mention that you try to change for him. That is not 100% good: we should not change in order to please the fancies of other creatures. We ought to change to become better individuals in the eyes of God. As we become better persons in the eyes of God, we become better in our own eyes (more humble, especially) and we immediately become better in the eyes of our loved ones. When things become hard, the desire to change in order to please a creature (ourselves or a loved one) fails and leaves us immediately willing to give up. Do it for a greater good, greater than him, greater than you, and things will fall into their right places, purified from any selfishness, from anything vain. Do it because you look forward to a solid relationship, to be a good wife, a good mother even. Do it because you want him to become a saint, and you want to be the instrument in God’s hands who will make that happen. Do it not because you want it, but because it seems that God wants it for you…then you will realize that you often want things that are not too good, but God only wants the best for you…and if this is God’s will, then nothing can go wrong, all obstacles will be overcome.

 

[bsroufek]

PLEASE go to Reconciliation as soon as you can. THAT’s the best place to cover this kind
of thing. We can only offer advice, but Reconciliation is from the Lord. That’s best for you!