Need help

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brendenseth

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I find myself in a situation. My parents have moved within walking distance of us, and they drink a lot. My wife has an abusive past and has told me she’s afraid of my mom. Tonight our daughter went over there and all of a sudden she pooped herself, she’s never had an accident and is almost 4. I don’t know what to do my wife doesn’t feel comfortable going there anymore, especially with the drinking. I actually don’t either, but our daughter loves her grandparents so much and they are good to her. My father just is so mean and vicious in the background but not to her she can still hear him. I really don’t know what to do, thank you everyone.
 
brendenseth said:
I find myself in a situation. My parents have moved within walking distance of us, and they drink a lot. My wife has an abusive past and has told me she’s afraid of my mom. Tonight our daughter went over there and all of a sudden she pooped herself, she’s never had an accident and is almost 4. I don’t know what to do my wife doesn’t feel comfortable going there anymore, especially with the drinking. I actually don’t either, but our daughter loves her grandparents so much and they are good to her. My father just is so mean and vicious in the background but not to her she can still hear him. I really don’t know what to do, thank you everyone.
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Why on earth would your child be alone with an alcoholic who the mother of your daughter does not trust? Why is this even a question?🤷
 
This is kind of vague. Do you mean that your four year old walked to your parents’ house alone? Unless they are right next door, that probably is a bad idea.
So while she was there she had an accident. Did your wife have to go over there to clean her up and bring her home?

If your wife doesn’t want to be around active alcoholics, she should not have to be. If your father is being “mean and vicious” within earshot of your daughter, she should not be there,

It’s a shame, but it sounds like your parents behavior makes it impossible for your family to visit any more. If you stand up for your family (wife and child) and tell your parents so, it may help them change their behavior.

As you are the head and protector of your household, you are the one who must run interference and protect your family.

.
 
What alternatives are you thinking of ? What alternatives do you realistically have ?
So.as to better.try.and understand your situation if you do not mind…
 
graciew said:
What alternatives are you thinking of ? What alternatives do you realistically have ?
So.as to better.try.and understand your situation if you do not mind…
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I just can never understand why family want to live so close ?
Even my son had an oppertunity to Lease a home in our street but refused because it’s to close, he lives a few miles away,
What are your alternatives ? Very limited by the looks of it,
The only step is a Drastic step, might need to move to another state,
I wish you success ,
 
brendenseth said:
I find myself in a situation. My parents have moved within walking distance of us, and they drink a lot. My wife has an abusive past and has told me she’s afraid of my mom. Tonight our daughter went over there and all of a sudden she pooped herself, she’s never had an accident and is almost 4. I don’t know what to do my wife doesn’t feel comfortable going there anymore, especially with the drinking. I actually don’t either, but our daughter loves her grandparents so much and they are good to her. My father just is so mean and vicious in the background but not to her she can still hear him. I really don’t know what to do, thank you everyone.
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Tell your daughter she can’t go over on her own.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
Why on earth would your child be alone with an alcoholic who the mother of your daughter does not trust? Why is this even a question?🤷
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I was in a really bad car accident and almost died. My mother saved my life multiple times because of mistakes the hospital made. It just has been hard as they are within walking distance but out of sight. We will no longer let her go there alone, and I just told my mother that on the phone.
 
phil_at_dayboro said:
I just can never understand why family want to live so close ?
Even my son had an oppertunity to Lease a home in our street but refused because it’s to close, he lives a few miles away,
What are your alternatives ? Very limited by the looks of it,
The only step is a Drastic step, might need to move to another state,
I wish you success ,
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We want to move to another state, it’s just hard because of how controlling they are. I don’t have a job due to a traumatic brain injury so they are in control of the finances. My wife was also in a coma from a car accident so they are in control of hers too. She grew up with abusive alcoholics so her family is out of the picture. It is just a really bad situation.
 
Dacinom said:
Your first step is to move financial control AWAY from your parents, but you probably already knew that.

You are home during the day, take time and make phone calls. Are you living off of a trust fund from a lawsuit from your car accident? Are you living off of Social Security disability and your parents are trustees for you? Whatever your situation you need to move it out of your parent’s hands. Move financial control into the hands of a county worker, a private worker (even if you have to pay them a fee) or someone else, immediately. Same with your wife.

I believe it will be nearly impossible to stand up to your parents as long as they wield control over you financially. They will fuss, scream, get angry and do all sorts of things but you already know that too. Tell them you need to feel more like a man and don’t want to go to your parents all the time for things, that you still love them but you need to take this step to feel like a grown man. You would rather go to a stranger for money than your mother, yes that is true because a grown man can negotiate like a man with a stranger, not like a little boy with his mommy.

It is wonderful that your mother saved your life, but you don’t need to pay her back by allowing her to abuse your daughter’s life. Your daughter doesn’t need to pay the price for what was done for you. This won’t be easy, please be assured of my prayers.
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Monica, I’ve noticed before that your posts here are always both the epitome of kindness and common sense, and this one is no different. Thank you for your contributions here! (I just realized I’d never said that, and thought I should. 🙂 )

OP, listen to her. She said what I’d like to say, only in a nicer and more concise fashion than I’d probably manage. 😉
 
Dacinom said:
Your first step is to move financial control AWAY from your parents, but you probably already knew that.

You are home during the day, take time and make phone calls. Are you living off of a trust fund from a lawsuit from your car accident? Are you living off of Social Security disability and your parents are trustees for you? Whatever your situation you need to move it out of your parent’s hands. Move financial control into the hands of a county worker, a private worker (even if you have to pay them a fee) or someone else, immediately. Same with your wife.

I believe it will be nearly impossible to stand up to your parents as long as they wield control over you financially. They will fuss, scream, get angry and do all sorts of things but you already know that too. Tell them you need to feel more like a man and don’t want to go to your parents all the time for things, that you still love them but you need to take this step to feel like a grown man. You would rather go to a stranger for money than your mother, yes that is true because a grown man can negotiate like a man with a stranger, not like a little boy with his mommy.

It is wonderful that your mother saved your life, but you don’t need to pay her back by allowing her to abuse your daughter’s life. Your daughter doesn’t need to pay the price for what was done for you. This won’t be easy, please be assured of my prayers.
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I know that’s our first step, you already said that. I’ve been trying to have them give it over to me, but it’s not going well. My wife has a trust and they are the trustees, mine is different however. I received a settlement but it was given to them entirely, and it’s up to them to allocate whats necessary for me. We are both on social security, and my mother is my wife’s legal guardian. My father has power of attorney over me, but that’s it. I am fully ready to make decisions about where my money goes, the problem is they are not.
 
They can visit each other under YOUR roof where you will be watching.
 
brendenseth said:
I know that’s our first step, you already said that. I’ve been trying to have them give it over to me, but it’s not going well. My wife has a trust and they are the trustees, mine is different however. I received a settlement but it was given to them entirely, and it’s up to them to allocate whats necessary for me. We are both on social security, and my mother is my wife’s legal guardian. My father has power of attorney over me, but that’s it. I am fully ready to make decisions about where my money goes, the problem is they are not.
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Did you give your father power of attorney or is he deemed your guardian by a court? If POA, that can be revoked very easily. It’s called Revocation of Power of Attorney (or Attorney-in-Fact depending on your state). If it is guardianship, then you need to speak with an attorney because you could petition the court that you are competent enough to manage your own affairs and therefore, a guardian is no longer needed. You also need to check into how your settlement is being handled/spent. If they are mismanaging it, that is automatic grounds to have them removed from being in control of it. Again, you need a competent attorney to advise you and to check into the legality of these various issues.

As for your wife, how did they end up being Trustees over her trust? Is this a power she gave them or a court order? Just like your situation, you need to contact an attorney to see what legal options you truly have and *not just what they are telling you there are. *
 
slh3016 said:
Did you give your father power of attorney or is he deemed your guardian by a court? If POA, that can be revoked very easily. It’s called Revocation of Power of Attorney (or Attorney-in-Fact depending on your state). If it is guardianship, then you need to speak with an attorney because you could petition the court that you are competent enough to manage your own affairs and therefore, a guardian is no longer needed. You also need to check into how your settlement is being handled/spent. If they are mismanaging it, that is automatic grounds to have them removed from being in control of it. Again, you need a competent attorney to advise you and to check into the legality of these various issues.

As for your wife, how did they end up being Trustees over her trust? Is this a power she gave them or a court order? Just like your situation, you need to contact an attorney to see what legal options you truly have and *not just what they are telling you there are. *
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No power of attorney was given to him after my accident. Also the money isn’t in a trust, it was just given to them with the understanding it was for me. They would never do anything to hurt us financially, they’re not like that. My wife had a guardian appointed to her because her family would not step up to make medical decisions. Her guardien before was not good either he took advantage of her and I had to get her away from that. My mother was appointed her guardian because we had to get her out off that situation. That was in Jan of 09. So it’s all one big mess.
 
brendenseth said:
No power of attorney was given to him after my accident. Also the money isn’t in a trust, it was just given to them with the understanding it was for me. They would never do anything to hurt us financially, they’re not like that. My wife had a guardian appointed to her because her family would not step up to make medical decisions. Her guardien before was not good either he took advantage of her and I had to get her away from that. My mother was appointed her guardian because we had to get her out off that situation. That was in Jan of 09. So it’s all one big mess.
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No one here should offer you any advice past talking to an attorney.
 
Hoosier_Daddy said:
No one here should offer you any advice past talking to an attorney.
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Yes, I agree. He needs to speak with one to weigh his options. The attorney’s advice will help the OP know what his options are financially and also what they are relationally with his parents. I have many years experience in the legal field so I was asking basic questions to get a feel for the situation and how much REAL control his parents had over their finances.
 
It is wonderful that your mother saved your life, but you don’t need to pay her back by allowing her to abuse your daughter’s life. Your daughter doesn’t need to pay the price for what was done for you. This won’t be easy, please be assured of my prayers.

Thank you for this response, it’s what I needed to hear.
 
slh3016 said:
Yes, I agree. He needs to speak with one to weigh his options. The attorney’s advice will help the OP know what his options are financially and also what they are relationally with his parents. I have many years experience in the legal field so I was asking basic questions to get a feel for the situation and how much REAL control his parents had over their finances.
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I don’t know who to talk to? I also can’t afford anything up front.
 
brendenseth said:
I don’t know who to talk to? I also can’t afford anything up front.
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Can you consult your priest or your parish social services office if you have one? They might know of attorneys who would help you, or you could even see who advertises in the bulletin. Calling your diocese could also help, or Catholic Charities. Even if it’s not that particular agency, generally speaking the people you speak with will know who they could refer you to.
 
pensmama87 said:
Can you consult your priest or your parish social services office if you have one? They might know of attorneys who would help you, or you could even see who advertises in the bulletin. Calling your diocese could also help, or Catholic Charities. Even if it’s not that particular agency, generally speaking the people you speak with will know who they could refer you to.
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Yep. There are often free/low-income legal clinics out there that just aren’t well-known, and the people all listed above could help you find one.
 
pensmama87 said:
Can you consult your priest or your parish social services office if you have one? They might know of attorneys who would help you, or you could even see who advertises in the bulletin. Calling your diocese could also help, or Catholic Charities. Even if it’s not that particular agency, generally speaking the people you speak with will know who they could refer you to.
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I can’t speak to our local parish because they know my family, and I don’t want to do that to them.
 
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