Need in-law advice please

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Hello all, I am in a situation in which I just don’t know what to do at all. I have previously posted about my then future sister-in-law, who as of Sunday is now my sister-in-law. Here is a brief synopsis of the situation. My husband (this is all his family) and his brother are total opposites. My husband is a good, upstanding Christian man who actively walks his faith. I don’t believe that is brother has any faith. I am certain he is not a Christian. My brother-in-law only dates wild woman for lack of a better word. Sex, drinking, and vacations are his and his now wife’s sole focus in life it seems.

Since my sister-in-law (sil) started dating my brother-in-law (bil), I have reached out to her on multiple occasions trying to get to know her. She has let me know through her actions that she has no desire to get to know me. She won’t return emails, she avoids me, she has even mocked and belittled me in front of others. So, I realized that it was OK to leave her alone. If she ever desired a relationship she knows where I am.

Then bil and sil got engaged, they never told my husband (the brother). They have lived together for about 3 years prior to this. She got pregnant and told everyone at Thanksgiving dinner. We had to leave early due to illness so we were never told. They never let my husband know that he was going to be an uncle and apparently told the other members of the family not to share that information with us. She had a miscarriage two days later and again we were not told by them. They decided to go to Key West in order to get married with all of their friends but again my husband was not invited. So basically, they don’t want us in their lives at all even though we live in the same town , about a mile from one another. Please note that there has never been any fighting or unkind words between us.

Now, they had the first wedding in Key West on Sunday. They are also going to have a vow renewal and wedding reception in May. He is a volunteer fire fighter so the reception will be held at the firehouse. It is meant to be a "beer and pig roast’ with their drinking buddies (not our typical environment). The only information we have had about the wedding has been via what she has posted on Facebook. She hasn’t been posting things about the wedding or marriage. She is posting “selfies” of her various outfits each day and the beer she has been drinking. And, a picture of her exposing her breasts (which the best man took). But, not one word about the joy of marriage.

So, I am not feeling inclined to bother going to this wedding reception in May. I feel like they have made it know through their actions that they don’t care for a relationship with us. And, my husband and I do not feel that they are taking marriage at all seriously. It is really upsetting us but since they don’t want a relationship and are not practicing Christians there is not much we can say. Here is my question: Do you feel I am not being a good Christian/Catholic if I decline the RSVP to the wedding reception? I do not want to be unkind or judgmental. I just feel like this whole thing is a joke at this point so why participate? Please give me feedback. I am too close to this situation to really have discernment. Thank you and God Bless!!!
 
It sounds like you have nothing in common with the BIL and SIL and that you and your husband would not enjoy their firehouse reception. So, don’t go. It’s that simple. If you want to you can always send a nice bouquet or something to let the couple know you are thinking of them and wish them well.
 
You do not have to attend the wedding reception. (You also do not have to follow their internet postings.) However, if you were invited, why not stop by for a little while, offer your best wishes, and make polite conversation? It seems like the Christian thing to do. Perhaps they are drinkers/partiers now, but they may change.
 
PaulfromIowa- So what I am getting from you is that you seem to feel that I have been too judgmental in this situation. Am I correct?
 
Well, first if all, if your bil is Catholic, none of this is valid since it doesn’t seem that he married in the Church, so that alone would allow you to ignore the whole situation.

However, even if he is not, you are under absolutely no obligation to attend this party. I would answer that we are unable to attend, but thank them for the invitation, it was kind of them to think of you–that sort of thing.

I don’t think you are in any way obligated to give them a gift, but if you ever find out they are having or hae had a baby, a very practical gift for the baby would be nice.
 
Thanks to everyone who has responded, you have all given me a lot to think about. God Bless!
 
If I were invited, I would probably put in an appearance at the reception and give a gift. If I were not invited, I would not worry about it.
 
Dear Dolly,

This may not be what you need to hear, but here goes… 🙂

I would advise going to the reception. You needn’t stay; just congratulate the couple (who are family after all) and mingle for an hour before leaving. Be pleasant, bring a dish or a gift if you like, smile and then head home.

I advise this because we all grow older and grow up; in maturity as well as faith. Even though there aren’t your sort of people (now) and your SIL has ignored your attempts at friendship; leave the door open for your relationships to change. A time goes by; parents pass away and life’s struggles come and go; families who were distant can often find they need each other down the years a bit. Never compromise your values but leave enough room for the Lord’s grace to wiggle through. 🙂

Have a lovely day!

Jenny x
 
I read your post twice, and it appears that you only know about the wedding from Facebook. If this is so, and I did not miss something, you weren’t invited. there are no “obligations” It’s a non-issue.
If your conscience is bugging you for the sake of family, send a donation to the Volunteer Fire Dept. in their name.

Peace.
pianist
 
Jenny-thank you for your advice. I hear what you are saying and if I saw a glimmer of real “marriage” between the two of them I would have just gone and not thought twice about it. The problem I am having is since they have cut my husband and myself out of their lives so much why start acting like family now? I know it is the “nice” thing to do but it is also a lie. She has said some startlingly hurtful things to me (I can’t have children. We tried for years. She sat at my kitchen table and told me that I had let the family down by not providing grandchildren but she would give my in-laws grandchildren and keep the last name going. it was not a joke.). There just comes a point where you just feel so confused by someone’s negative behavior that you think why bother? Yes they are family. But, they don’t want to be. Why keep putting your heart out there to get hurt over and over again? This couple , by the way, are not kids. She is 38 and he is 34. At any rate, I take in what you have said to me and will pray very hard on it since I do see your point. Thank you!
 
No, you are not being too judgmental. I think you have behaved charitably and sincerely with your brother and sister in law. If they did not specifically invite you to their wedding reception, then you are under no obligation to go. As you stated in your post, you have left the door of friendship open for your sister in law. If she chooses to ignore it, then that is on her. You do not need to bend over backwards for someone who is not interested in a relationship with you. As Christians, we are required to be charitable to all, but close friends only to those who follow the Lord.

Here are some scripture verses reiterating this:
  • “Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? And what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For you are the temple of the living God.” (2 Corinthians 6:14)
*“He who walks with wise men will be wise, but the companion of fools will be destroyed.” (Proverbs 13:20)
  • “A scoffer seeks wisdom and does not find it, but knowledge is easy to him who understands. Go from the presence of a foolish man, when you do not perceive in him the lips of knowledge.” (Proverbs 14:6)
  • “Beware of dogs, beware of evil workers …” (Philippians 3:2)
  • “But we command you, brethren, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you withdraw from every brother who walks disorderly and not according to the tradition which he received from us.” (2 Thessalonians 3:6)
  • “Now I urge you, brethren, note those who cause divisions and offenses, contrary to the doctrine which you have learned, and avoid them. For those who are such do not serve our Lord Jesus Christ, but their own belly, and by smooth words and flattering speech deceive the hearts of the simple.” (Romans 16:17)
  • “Do not be deceived: “Evil company corrupts good habits.” Awake to righteousness, and do not sin; for some do not have the knowledge of God.” (1 Corinthians 15:33)
 
WildThing- thank you!! I was starting to feel really bad about myself. Just to be clear: We have been told that we will be invited to the reception with the vow renewal in May. The invitation has not yet come. My husband and I are praying about if we should go or not. We will send them a gift for their wedding even if we don’t go to the reception. Thank you for those Bible verses. They will really, really help me!!!
 
We have had a similar situation and I know this isn’t what others have said, but in these instances, only my husband has attended the weddings of those siblings who otherwise shut our family out of their lives. Husband attends the wedding & reception and the kids and I stay home (this is for 2 of his siblings with whom there have been multiple problems for many years). No harsh words, no drama. Just, if invited at all, my husband attends alone.

If the relationship between my bro and sibling is particularly bad, instead of a gift, we give a donation to the church in their name (the church where they marry).

The fact that the kids and I did not attend the weddings (all out of town, so easier perhaps) has had no impact at all on my husbands’ sibling relationships.

Family relations can be very difficult and I will pray for you.
 
They invited you because they felt they had to do so, from the looks of it.

I don’t think it would be crazy that you guys already had a small getaway planned.😉
 
I think it’s important to point out that while several people have said that they might drop by for a minute or to, this absolutely does not mean that you’re being too judgemental. Bad stuff is bad, and if some of us think that from what little we know of the situation that in your place we might drop by for a few minutes, that doesn’t mean that the bad stuff is less bad, or that you are doing something wrong in noticing.

If you think it would go badly to no good effect, then just don’t go. If you think you could drop by, say hi, and leave then perhaps consider it, if you are invited, but if you decide that you can’t/don’t want to handle strain of going there, then just don’t.
 
Dolly,

Oh, how hurtful! What a mean and vicious thing to say!

You’re right to pray on it. I’m not sure I would even have extended the hand of friendship to anyone who could wound me like that. I’ll tell you what I was told in the confessional; ‘pray hardest for those you hate’. I’m not saying you hate them but they need the grace of your prayers.

Another way to think of it is this way; may I bite my tongue before I say anything bad but if they are as irresponsible as it appears and if they do start a family, they might rethink the idea of Auntie and Uncle being involved (babysitting…) This being the case; if you leave the door open a wee bit, you might be a good influence upon them as a couple; and more importantly, might be in a position to offer stability to any niece or nephew that happens along. You seem a sweet, thoughtful lady; you would be an amazing Auntie.

As to children; that’s the hardest thing in the world. My mother had five children and fostered two. She made the most profound difference to the lads she fostered. Something else to pray about, my dear? 😉 :hug3:

Jenny x
 
Well, you said you haven’t received an invitation yet. I would probably wait (but not hold my breath) to see if it even arrives, and I would then consider whether to go. I wouldn’t put off other plans if they come up before the invitation arrives, either. But that’s just me. 😛

That said, I’d consider whether going, or not going would cause more/less conflict in the family, and choose the path that makes the least amount of waves on “their” day. If they send you an invite, they may do so out of a feeling of family obligation, or they may send it as a sort of peace offering–or as a “test” to see if you’re still open to a truce. It may be hard to tell which it is, unfortunately. But if they don’t send you an invitation at all, then you don’t have to worry about it–you can simply not go, because you weren’t invited.

It sounds like maybe BIL and SIL don’t like to be around you and your husband, not because of anything you’ve said or done to them, but because you remind them of things about themselves and their lifestyle that they don’t want to face–things they need to change in their own lives. In fact, it seems SIL is probably jealous of you and your marriage. Because you and your husband live your faith, your very presence reminds her heart and soul that Someone is missing in her life–though she probably doesn’t consciously realize that (yet). I could be wrong, of course, but that’s the feeling I get when I read your posts about how she’s treated you. 🤷

Will pray for you all. :gopray2:
 
I would attend the vow renewal (why renew something that doesn’t expire?), skip the reception (you have that “other commitment” you must attend), and send a gift (which in my less charitable moments I would think is the point of the invitation.
 
Not to be too negative here, but forensically speaking, in the older days the chaperoning time that occured in Catholic families, not only for keeping the two dating/engaged couple from touchy/feely situations, also included measuring up the family of the future spouse for an idea on the environment he grew up in. This is why the added time, maybe up to a year or two gave time for a good evaluation. Shack-ups would have both families in horror, and marrying outside the faith would be frowned upon also.

In my case when my son has a party for their kids and the other side is included, which is most of times, we end up having a pleasant time ourselves apart from the others. We bring our musical instruments and have a jamm session, to the chagrin of grandkids who think this is all old time music.(Ok it is, whatta they know, anyway? 😉 ). Wonderful people and I have no concerns for my grandkids which is the most important concern.

The overall problem is loss of Catholic tradition.
 
1ke said:
If I were invited, I would probably put in an appearance at the reception and give a gift. If I were not invited, I would not worry about it.
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Agreed. Kill them with kindness. That should take some of the wind out of their sails. And then you can keep a safe distance.
 
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