Need Marital Advice

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kyle1337

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I was a fallen away Catholic and have since refound my faith. However, during that time I was “away” I got married to a fundamentalist christian and even went to her church for a while. Two years later, I have the need to recieve communion and have informed my wife of this and have been going to mass regularly now. I asked her, for me, for my spiritual well being if we could re-marry in the church, she is basically dead set against it, and basically is saying that I didn’t take our original vows seriously, otherwise our first wedding (outdoors btw) would be enough. I tried to explain to her canon law and what the church teaches and she shuts down and won’t listen and tells me I’m the one with a “hard heart” and that she won’t do it. Won’t get re-married in the church and won’t raise any children we have catholic. I want to make it work I really do I love her, but I don’t see any hope in this case. Please help. Also I’ve tried to setup appointments with priests for her cause they can explain why better than I can and she was open at first but now refuses to go. I’ve feel like I’ve reached the end of my rope and basically need to “end it” for my own spiritual well being. I have been meeting with my parish priest and he is trying to get her in there to see him but she’s refusing. It’s been about 4 months now since I brought up being remarried in the church (I know technically it’s married in the church as the first was invalid), and she’s still closed to it, how long do I wait, is there anything I can do. I find myself as having grown far apart from her since I started going back to mass and she claims it’s my church that’s tearing us apart.
Thanks for your answers.
 
You utterly and completely changed the deal on her.

She married one person, and you became another.

The way you wrote this is as if she is being stubborn and unreasonable. But to her, this came out of the blue and you completely upset what she thought the religious status of her family is and would be. A person can’t just take that in overnight. You pressuring her to meet priests and take vows in a church she doesn’t agree with is not going to help.

Do you have children already? If so, you are obligated to them to do everything possible to keep their family together.

Go to Mass. Be the best Catholic you can be. But you can’t force her to be one too. And you can’t force her to raise her children Catholic either. However, maybe if you set a great example, she will begin to thaw.

You’ve got yourself a cross. Figure out the best, most loving way to bear it.
 
JacarandaPurple said:
You utterly and completely changed the deal on her.

She married one person, and you became another.

The way you wrote this is as if she is being stubborn and unreasonable. But to her, this came out of the blue and you completely upset what she thought the religious status of her family is and would be. A person can’t just take that in overnight. You pressuring her to meet priests and take vows in a church she doesn’t agree with is not going to help.

Do you have children already? If so, you are obligated to them to do everything possible to keep their family together.

Go to Mass. Be the best Catholic you can be. But you can’t force her to be one too. And you can’t force her to raise her children Catholic either. However, maybe if you set a great example, she will begin to thaw.

You’ve got yourself a cross. Figure out the best, most loving way to bear it.
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I understand what you’re saying, and you are right. I was a different person when we dated and got married and I am changing the deal on her. It’s a terrible thing for her and I admit that and am sorry for that. But my faith has become so important to me and I’ve told her this, that I need this and she’s still refusing.
 
Is discarding this woman you say you love, and who now feels utterly deceived by you, a valid, moral, loving path to the Eucharist? Do you think Christ wants you to get to Him that way?

Have you spoken to a priest? Did he say you could not receive Eucharist in your present state of living?

And again…do you have children?

Also, how long since you told her of all this? How long has she had to process it?
 
You are currently not validly married. You must rectify this. If the only obstacle is that your "wife " does not want to go through a second ceremony because she considers the first one binding, then radical sanation could be an option. Please ask your priest about it.
 
Wow, I am not sure the wife here deserves any derision quotes around her title. She married in good faith, following the rules of her denomination. She considers herself a valid wife and has no reason not to!

I was going to mention radical sanation but wanted a bit more info first. However, I am fairly sure that that is not something priests just do every day…
 
JacarandaPurple said:
Wow, I am not sure the wife here deserves any derision quotes around her title. She married in good faith, following the rules of her denomination. She considers herself a valid wife and has no reason not to!

I was going to mention radical sanation but wanted a bit more info first. However, I am fairly sure that that is not something priests just do every day…
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I didn’t put them there to deride the lady. Had she married a fellow Protestant, there would have been no difficulty, but because she married a Catholic who did not follow the appropriate Church laws, they didn’t actually marry.

I have lived in many different places, with different marriage laws. If one law, that may not even exist in your home country, isn’t followed, then your attempt to marry a native of that other country will simply fail. You may have entered the marriage in good faith, but you didn’t abide by that one law. So you didn’t actually marry. That is what I meant.
 
JacarandaPurple said:
Have you spoken to a priest? Did he say you could not receive Eucharist in your present state of living?

And again…do you have children?

Also, how long since you told her of all this? How long has she had to process it?
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Though perhaps implicitly, the OP has answered most all of these questions in his initial post. :confused:
 
I would give it more time. 4 months is not enough. Don’t bring it up for a while. Come at it again in a few months.

In Christ,
Lily
 
JacarandaPurple said:
Is discarding this woman you say you love, and who now feels utterly deceived by you, a valid, moral, loving path to the Eucharist? Do you think Christ wants you to get to Him that way?

Have you spoken to a priest? Did he say you could not receive Eucharist in your present state of living?

And again…do you have children?

Also, how long since you told her of all this? How long has she had to process it?
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No children from our marriage, she has a daughter though. The strain started a while ago about 4 months, when she attempted to cheat(the other woman turned her down and told me about it.) on me when all this started because I was less affectionate according to her so she went elsewhere for affection, this really hurt me. This was when I first went back and spoke to the priest and he basically told me that there is so many issues going on at the same time, and trying to get to the bottom of them all would take years and years of therapy(for her), she also did drugs after we got married I found out through her sister, and didn’t tell me that before we got married she had an abortion years ago,(had I known that before we got married I’d have had second thoughts) I’m even willing to look beyond all that, but she can’t do this one thing for me??? Sorry if I sound a little resentful I am, I’ve done so much and looked past and forgiven so many things and she is unwilling to do this…
 
That’s a way more toxic kettle of fish than first presented.

Perhaps stepping away would be best. You are not validly married, and this woman has far more problems all at one time than you can fix. She’s a drug user, she tried to cheat on you with another woman… yikes.

The worst part of all this will be the hurt that her daughter will be subject to from yet another family breakup.

All these other issues lead me to doubt that this marriage, which is no marriage according to the Church, is fixable.

However, you need to do some serious work on yourself, as to why you would attach yourself to someone so damaged, and frankly, incapable of marriage vows. Someone with substance abuse issues and SSA is not good marriage material, no matter your faith community. So if you do divorce, don’t immediately start dating to find a Catholic wife. You need to learn to choose well before you choose again.
 
JacarandaPurple said:
That’s a way more toxic kettle of fish than first presented.

Perhaps stepping away would be best. You are not validly married, and this woman has far more problems all at one time than you can fix. She’s a drug user, she tried to cheat on you with another woman… yikes.

The worst part of all this will be the hurt that her daughter will be subject to from yet another family breakup.

All these other issues lead me to doubt that this marriage, which is no marriage according to the Church, is fixable.

However, you need to do some serious work on yourself, as to why you would attach yourself to someone so damaged, and frankly, incapable of marriage vows. Someone with substance abuse issues and SSA is not good marriage material, no matter your faith community. So if you do divorce, don’t immediately start dating to find a Catholic wife. You need to learn to choose well before you choose again.
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Yea I’ve had 3 priests tell me the same thing. And I will admit, I was a bit forceful about the getting married in the church and that’s pushed her away. I didn’t know anything about any of this before I married her, she and her daughter seemed like the picture perfect family just missing a man…which I was hoping at the time was going to be me. I knew she had a messed up past and childhood but she seemed over it, previous drug use, and abuse as a child. Where as myself was the polar opposite I had a very sheltered life, coming from a large home school’ed Irish catholic family, I shocked my family when I married her
outside the church(they still attended God bless 'em.)

Her daughter is also starting to exhibit those same signs, SSA, drug use etc etc…that’s a whole other issue too as well on top of everything else. Again, I know it’s easy to list someone elses faults. I’m not without my own, but not on this scale, I’ve always seen this stuff on TV or “outside” my life, but now it’s personal and it sucks, It’s funny though I find myself still wanting to make things work, to show them both what a proper life is supposed to look like and give it to them on a silver platter.

No I wouldn’t start dating…I think if this goes any further south I’m gonna be sitting out relationships for a while.
 
lily20 said:
I would give it more time. 4 months is not enough. Don’t bring it up for a while. Come at it again in a few months.

In Christ,
Lily
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I may still do this and see if she opens up to counseling maybe from someone secular first, as the priest counseling may be too much for her at the moment.
 
my 2c

Stop arguing and focus on being a good and loving Catholic husband.
Win her over (over time) by showing the fruits of your revived Catholic faith.
 
tarboy said:
my 2c

Stop arguing and focus on being a good and loving Catholic husband.
Win her over (over time) by showing the fruits of your revived Catholic faith.
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Thank you. That I need to do. I am guilty of not doing this as I should have been.
 
Reverse Psychology is what you will have to use.
Get these books or a least the first one.

My Favorite is: What Catholics Really Believe–Setting the Record Straight: 52 Answers to Common Misconceptions about the Catholic Faith, and just leave out in an area for her to notice, make it look like you are reading it with book mark in it, dog-earred pages, notes written in it, high lighted portions, do read it, and leave on near where it will be notice, then leave, let her find it, I’m sure she will pick it up, and learn the lies that she has been brainwashed into believing, the other book on Purgatory is a favorite read.

Get the book that inspired Hitler to kill the Jews:
The Jews and Their Lies
Remind her that Martin Luther was a German that came about in the 1500’s, and that he was responsible for all Protestant denominations including the KKK and Westboro Baptist Church, and that how Sola Scriptura has really screwed Christianity all up.

If you ever get into an argument with her, simply say that the 7 books of the bible that were removed, discussed Purgatory and that Martin Luther in an attempt to get his new cult to follow him better, used their ignorance against them, and purposely left those books out. Now we have brainwashed Protestants that will argue till they are blue in the face, that there is no Biblical basis for Purgatory. But Martin Luther must not have read the whole Bible, because he skipped a couple of books that made small reference, to which can still be used to prove purgatory is real.

The whole point of disproving her religion, is to show her that it is a Lazy-watered down version of what Catholic have. Explain that the word ‘Catholic’ means “universal” and that the Church of Jesus is the people, the people make the Church, so Catholic Church means “all of Christ’ believers”, and that her idea of what Catholic Church has been viewed wrongly.

Then when she says that you are right, go get married in a Catholic Church, and have her do RCIA.
 
I can relate to your post in a way., but my husband is also Catholic. We were not attending church at all when we first got married and was married outside of the church. Four years ago I started attending church, but he still does not attend church. I finally asked him about getting our marriage convalidated within the church and he agreed. He did this because of the love he had for me, not necessarilly because he wanted to do this. I would try to explain to her how simple of a process this is and how it could only be the two of you (and two witnesses) attending the ceremony. I would be questioning why the Preist would be willing to convalidate your marriage with so many other issures that you are having. Please ask yourself why you want to have this marriage blessed. Is it because you plan on spending the rest of your life happily married to your wife or is it to start recieving Holy Communion again? I know not recieving is very hard, I am doing this myself right now because of our marriage situation not being convalidated yet, but you will be able to recieve the Eucharist eventually in good faith if you recieve a radical santion and worst case scenerio, you decide not to stay with this person. Please place the trust in God and pray and things will work out for you.
 
Kyle,

Attend Mass and pray! Ask the Holy Spirit for wisdom every day. Obviously, the Lord is calling you to faith in Him and He will guide your path to His Church.

Don’t allow yourself to be in bondage with thoughts of “what if I do this and that happens.” Put JESUS first above all other creatures and everything will fall into place eventually. Jesus loves you and he also loves the woman you have been with all these years.

I do not know if you should stay with her or not. I only know that when we persevere in prayer and put Jesus first, you will begin to understand what should take place next.

It is difficult to listen to many well-meaning people, each one saying something slightly different from the rest. Stay with a good holy priest and keep praying! (Prayer to our Blessed Mother helps much, she will pray for you also.) Tell the priest everything you have mentioned about the drugs, infidelity, etc. that she was involved in. I will pray for you and her for the best way to go for both of your salvation, whether you stay together or not.

God bless you,

Dorothy

Dorothy
 
Well, here’s the deal. I want to recieve communion again…I guess you could say it took me losing my faith to realize how important it really is. Now that I want to go back and recieve communion. She doesn’t want to have another wedding as our first one in her eyes was valid and she’ll say statements like “if you don’t think our marriage was valid in the eyes of God then you need to leave.” things like that, that really bother me. I’ve tried the reverse psychology, I’ll show her the Apostolic Succession of the Church and the other bible verses that aren’t in hers, I’ve left out the book The Catholic Survival Guide by Catholic Answers, and I’ve book marked it and all that, if it’s not her King James, she won’t touch it with a ten foot pole. Sola Scriptura. They have done a very good job brainwashing her and almost got me. They are very fundamentalist and speak in “tongues” have altar calls and only do a symbolic communion on passover, and all that, and at one time even I started too! and I realized what a farce it was, and of course she would say the same thing about the Catholic “religion” comparing it to the Sadduccees and Pharisees of the bible as this is part of what her pastor preaches regarding “religious people” and how they’re wrong, power hungry, and judges etc, etc…

Anywho that’s besides the point. I want to get it convalidated so that I can recieve communion…do I really believe that my first wedding was valid in the eyes of God…I don’t know!..the church says no it isn’t, however I can do the Radical Sanation (if they even do that) I’ve never heard of it I know it exists cause I looked it up, but apparently it’s so rare it’s never talked about, and I’ve been talking to all kinds of priests about my problem and they all tell the same thing that there isn’t much else I can do but pray, go to mass, do spiritual confession and spiritual communion, and if she’s unwilling to face her problems and do a convalidation then i’ll be forced to leave. Easier said than done, I have strong feelings for her, we’ve been through so much and I do feel somewhat guilty for having a change of heart (in her eyes) in the middle of our marriage, and that I owe her more than just up and leaving. Then again with everything else that’s going on with her issues, this could go on for 5, 10, 25 years…could I handle that?..certainly not. I’ve been through so much in just the past 2 years alone in our marriage I couldn’t handle another two years of this.

But like I said. I do love her, I will forgive her, I think I just need to let things settle down and keep praying and go to daily mass, and show her how a Catholic lives instead of telling her. Time will tell, I’m usually quick to rush things and this will probably take time, unless I want it to turn into another nasty divorce you hear about, with heartache and hate. Which is what God does not want that much I’m sure of.
 
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