Need Marital Advice

[kyle1337]

Dorothy, I told the my parish priest everything, even more than what I’ve posted here. He basically told me to do spiritual confession and communion. To try to get her into an appointment with him. (she won’t do it). To get her to really come to grips with her issues. Which she thinks she doesn’t have any. (It’s my fault never hers.). He also told me that based on her psychological state and from what I’ve told her even if we were married in the church it’s more than ample grounds for an annulment. And also that it would take years of therapy…if ever…for her to work through her issues, but you can’t work through your issues if you don’t think you have any. If I bring up the fact that she does again…here comes another fight.

I just gotta keep praying all the time. Pray the rosary go to mass and leave it in God’s hands, if it’s meant to be it will be, then if not, it won’t.

 

[kyle1337]

I can relate to your post in a way., but my husband is also Catholic. We were not attending church at all when we first got married and was married outside of the church. Four years ago I started attending church, but he still does not attend church. I finally asked him about getting our marriage convalidated within the church and he agreed. He did this because of the love he had for me, not necessarilly because he wanted to do this. I would try to explain to her how simple of a process this is and how it could only be the two of you (and two witnesses) attending the ceremony. I would be questioning why the Preist would be willing to convalidate your marriage with so many other issures that you are having. Please ask yourself why you want to have this marriage blessed. Is it because you plan on spending the rest of your life happily married to your wife or is it to start recieving Holy Communion again? I know not recieving is very hard, I am doing this myself right now because of our marriage situation not being convalidated yet, but you will be able to recieve the Eucharist eventually in good faith if you recieve a radical santion and worst case scenerio, you decide not to stay with this person. Please place the trust in God and pray and things will work out for you.

It’s both though primarily for me to recieve communion but it’s both.

 

[JacarandaPurple]

Well then, we are back to this.

You’ve got yourself a cross. Figure out the best, most loving way to bear it.

You made certain choices. Some choices make other choices impossible. You can’t have everything you want all at the same time, immediately. You may have to settle for spiritual Communion for now and work on the other issues with the goal of someday being able to receive Eucharist.

 

[kyle1337]

Well then, we are back to this.

You made certain choices. Some choices make other choices impossible. You can’t have everything you want all at the same time, immediately. You may have to settle for spiritual Communion for now and work on the other issues with the goal of someday being able to receive Eucharist.

Yup, I sure did, and you’re right 100% I was very adament about it simply because I was always taught from day one that communion is the pinnacle of the Catholic faith, therefore, I would go into life putting that above anyone and everyone, maybe I was wrong?

 

[Dorothy]

Yup, I sure did, and you’re right 100% I was very adament about it simply because I was always taught from day one that communion is the pinnacle of the Catholic faith, therefore, I would go into life putting that above anyone and everyone, maybe I was wrong?

Kyle,

You are not wrong to put Jesus first. Do not allow her to hold you in bondage to her wishes when she picks a fight. If you bow to her wishes will there be peace, joy, love, fidelity and salvation for you both?

Also, do not feel guilty for answering the Lord’s call to follow Him!

I will pray for you and her at Mass this morning, for His wisdom, guidance, and love.

Peace,

Dorothy

 

[joanofarc2008]

Radical Sanitation may also be a choice for you and it would not involve your wife’s consent. YOU should speak to your priest about this. However, you would need to speak to your priest about what it would mean about raising future children in the Church. God bless.

 

[Khalid]

You utterly and completely changed the deal on her.

She married one person, and you became another.

The way you wrote this is as if she is being stubborn and unreasonable. But to her, this came out of the blue and you completely upset what she thought the religious status of her family is and would be. A person can’t just take that in overnight. You pressuring her to meet priests and take vows in a church she doesn’t agree with is not going to help.

Do you have children already? If so, you are obligated to them to do everything possible to keep their family together.

Go to Mass. Be the best Catholic you can be. But you can’t force her to be one too. And you can’t force her to raise her children Catholic either. However, maybe if you set a great example, she will begin to thaw.

You’ve got yourself a cross. Figure out the best, most loving way to bear it.

And set the kids on the highway to Hell? I don’t think the principle of double effect applies here - if one knows the truth of the Catholic faith and does not form their children in it, that seems to be a grave dereliction of duty. As for controlling the wife’s behaviour, it can not be done, and likely should not be done: evangelization both by example and speech is the most that can.

 

[johndelacruz]

I could personally relate with your opening post, as I married a Baptist girl outside the church, and then later felt bad and wanted to get the marriage validated by the Catholic Church - My wife absolutely refused to cooperate.

I met with a good priest and, since my wife wouldn’t participate, he was able to complete a sanatio radice without her involvement at all, except that I had to inform her of it. The paperwork was sent to the bishop and once he signed it, the marriage was deemed valid by the Church, all the way back to the beginning (radice: “to the root”). I had to agree to not fall away from the faith and do all I could to raise any children Catholic. My wife was furious.

It all worked out though, since 5 years later she converted, to the chagrine of all her family.

But…with your subsequent posts, I would seriously reconsider your union with this woman. Your marriage appears to not be currently valid, and therefore you are not bound to it. You could walk away, or in the very least move out to reassess. I picked up on three deal breakers regarding this woman: 1) Sexual unfaithfulness (already). 2) Active homosexual acting out. 3) Serious drug abuse.

Now, if you were indeed validly married, I would advise staying together and sticking it out through counseling, forgiveness etc… But you aren’t married. If all this happened while you were dating, you would be crazy not to run for the hills, and to instead go ahead with the marriage.

You should sit down with a priest and disclose all of this. He will help you come to a prudent decision.

my prayers are with you
j

 

[1ke]

OK, look Kyle, radical sanation is not rare and it certainly might be an option. However, you say she has a child, does that also mean she has been married before? If so, then there are multiple impediments to a valid marriage, including her prior bond.

Frankly, this does not sound like a marriage you should stay in. She has SSA, has attempted to cheat on your with another woman, has multiple psychological issues, etc.

You are not validly married, and you should really consider whether or not you want to pursue radical sanation with a woman with these issues.

Regarding communion, if you go to confession and live as “brother and sister” with your wife until/unless your marriage is convalidated or sanated you should be able to receive the Eucharist.

Don’t do something so serious (sanation) to receive the Eucharist, when what you should be considering is whether this is really any marriage at all.

 

[Dorothy]

Kyle, the above message is very important for you to ponder!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Would your wife consider marital counseling from a secular counselor? She has same-sex attraction, is she bisexual or is she really a lesbian? Was she married before?

Chances are pretty good that any counselor would point to these problems and find out if both parties wish to work on them, and also be honest with her about her possible homosexual tendencies. I am pretty sure even a secular counselor would have a problem with a lesbian in a heterosexual marriage!

I feel sad for your wife, actually. She got blindsided by all this, she thought you were in the same faith as she is, and now you’ve morphed into a …Catholic? I know you are anxious to receive communion again, but see things from her perspective. Of all the things you could have told her…a…Catholic???

Try the counselor, stop pushing for a priest to talk to her. She’s got to be scared of that.

 

[heart4home]

I haven’t read all the replies, but I would caution against getting your marriage convalidated at all at this point. You need to be in marriage counseling and see if this civil “but invalid Catholic” marriage can even be saved before you go making it valid and then closing the doors to any kind of future that won’t involve legally being married to your wife in the Church’s eyes for the rest of your life.

I would think that no responsible priest would even convalidate your marriage right now in the state that it is.

Is your wife an actual practicing fundamentalist, or just a product of it’s flawed theology that she has now removed herself from?

God Bless. Tell your wife you need counseling…NOW…even leaving the convalidation reason entirely out of the reasons. Cheating…drugs…SSA??? Get help NOW.

 

[kyle1337]

I haven’t read all the replies, but I would caution against getting your marriage convalidated at all at this point. You need to be in marriage counseling and see if this civil “but invalid Catholic” marriage can even be saved before you go making it valid and then closing the doors to any kind of future that won’t involve legally being married to your wife in the Church’s eyes for the rest of your life.

I would think that no responsible priest would even convalidate your marriage right now in the state that it is.

Is your wife an actual practicing fundamentalist, or just a product of it’s flawed theology that she has now removed herself from?

God Bless. Tell your wife you need counseling…NOW…even leaving the convalidation reason entirely out of the reasons. Cheating…drugs…SSA??? Get help NOW.

She is “practicing” as in she goes to her church most Sunday’s and every Wednesday and Sunday evening as well when she can. However I don’t see it helping with her issues. But I’m leaving the church issue out of it for now, and trying to “calm down” and practice patience, fortitude, kindness etc etc to show her how a Catholic should act, as our fights haven’t been displaying that.

I did just that today, she apologized and asked for forgiveness again and I forgave her but I told her she NEEDED to be open to counseling, that she can’t avoid the fact that there are some deep seated psychological issues. We have scheduled 5 sessions and now she’s back open to meeting with my parish priest as well(without me asking). I really had to pray about all this. And I still do, but I think time will tell and if I can keep my head in the right place with God and my Catholic faith…It will work out.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

She is “practicing” as in she goes to her church most Sunday’s and every Wednesday and Sunday evening as well when she can. However I don’t see it helping with her issues. But I’m leaving the church issue out of it for now, and trying to “calm down” and practice patience, fortitude, kindness etc etc to show her how a Catholic should act, as our fights haven’t been displaying that.

I did just that today, she apologized and asked for forgiveness again and I forgave her but I told her she NEEDED to be open to counseling, that she can’t avoid the fact that there are some deep seated psychological issues. We have scheduled 5 sessions and now she’s back open to meeting with my parish priest as well(without me asking). I really had to pray about all this. And I still do, but I think time will tell and if I can keep my head in the right place with God and my Catholic faith…It will work out.

Very good news about the counseling! I will keep you in my prayers. Try to be patient and show her the love of Christ. I would advise doing the counseling first.