Need Marriage Advice, Trying To Work It Out

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bleemom

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Hello,

I am trying to figure out how to tell you all our story w/o writing a novel. I will do my best, but please bare with me if this gets lengthy.

I am 31, my husband is 32. We have been married for almost 8 years. We have a 4 year old son and I have a 10 year old Step-Daughter. My husband’s daughter from a previous marraige. My husband and I had a wonderful marriage. We had our ups and downs like in any marrige. We trusted each other 110% and the thought of infidelity never crossed either of our minds. Maybe we trusted each other too much, perhaps and immature trust, if that makes any sense.

My husband was in the Nat. Guard. The thought of deployment never really crossed our mind b/c he had signed back up into a “non-deployable” unit. Well, they ended up pulling him out of that unit and putting him back in his old one, so that he could deploy. We had been married for almost 3 years when this happened. He was in Iraq for over 18 months, but out of our home for nearly 2 years altogether b/c of training before he ever left. He came home for R&R halfway through his deployment. We had an awesome visit, and that is when we got pregnant with our son. I had a hard time while DH was gone. I have never been good with money, but I went into a type of depression. I let the house go and the money go. We got in a few fights while he was over there, mostly money related. Do you know how hard it is to argue over the internet? Then, worry that something might happen to him before we had a chance to make up. Anyway, before DH came home from Iraq I went to all of the meetings about how he would be when he returned. What to do and what not to do, etc… Nothing in the world could have prepared us.

When DH returned, I was 7 months pregnant. We had about 2 months to reconnect w/ each other and prepare for our son. Not to mention the things my DH was dealing with. He never talked much about what happened in Iraq. And we were taught not to ask, but I know he was a sniper and I know that it was very hard on him. He went straight back to his civilian job, so he could get the promotion he was promised. We had our baby that May and we were very happy. My first child, so I didn’t know how to balance my duties as a mother and my duties as a wife. I guess I kind of neglected my husband w/o realizing it. Anyway, his promotion required him to go out of town to a school for 7 weeks! He could come home on most weekends. Our son was barely 4 weeks old when he left. That was hard. I realized that he wasn’t coming home as often as I thought he would. He said it was b/c of money and it was a long drive to come every weekend. I thought nothing of it. I mentioned it once or twice and we kind of got in an argument, but he made the comment that we had been through worse and we would get through this too. One of those weekends he surprised me by coming home a day early. I was so glad to see him, but felt bad b/c the house was a wreck. He immediately began cleaning and wasn’t happy with me at all. I know that he was upset about that.

Anyway, when he came home from his school I thought everything was ok and going to get back to normal. I began to notice that he was running a lot of errands and spending a lot of extra time at work. I asked him about it one night. He told me that he wasn’t happy with me anymore, that things weren’t fun anymore, that he felt lost. He told me he still loved me, but didn’t know what to do or how to get it back. He said that I never did anything with myself anymore and that the house was always a mess, etc. I was crushed. I could tell he was lost and I didn’t know how to help. Well, about two days after that I began to find text on his phone from a women. I would confront him and only get part of the truth, then find something else only to get a little bit more of the truth, and finally found out that he had been unfaithful while he was gone away to this school. Each time I found new evidence he would tell me he was just going to leave. He was physically unfaithful with this woman only twice as far as I know. She lived 4 hours away from us and he swore he didn’t love her and that he still loved me, but that he ruined our trust which was something we took great pride in . This was true, but I knew that I was guilty of all the things he told me he was unhappy with me about. Granted NO EXCUSE for what he did and he took responsibility for that, but it hurt me that he was so quick to leave. I would beg him to stay everytime. It wasn’t like he as threatening to leave me, he felt that if he left he would be doing me a favor. Funny how, I was the one that was cheated on and I was the one that was begging him to stay. You would think it would be the other way around. This bothered me, but I loved him so much, and I could see how lost he was.

One night, when I finally found out the real truth, he was out on a job. He called me and could tell something more was wrong. I told him what I found. He got mad and told me that he would pack his stuff when he got home and we could just say it was a good 5 years while it lasted. That he was tired of fighting. He had talked to his dad about our problems and his Dad told him that it was him. That ever since he had been back from Iraq all he wanted to do was fight, etc. I still begged him not to leave. I was waiting for him when he got home. He was still determined to leave and it was like a switch went off in me and I was doing everything I could to get him to stay, even physically. He told me he didn’t want a divorce, but that he thought everyone would be better off if he just left and was by himself. He is stubborn and I finally convinced him to stay until morning. I still didn’t want him to leave, despite all the hurt that had been done to me. I was beginning to see that he was truly lost and that it had taken this many months for signs of PTSD to show up. When he woke up the next morning I helped him get some clothes together and told him that I loved him and that I always would. He left and was going to work. I had gotten myself together and began to accept that he was gone as far as I knew. I was in my car ready to go pick up my son, that I had taken to a friends so he wouldn’t have to witness any of this, when DH called me and said that he was coming home. I was confused. What had changed his mind? Should I let him come back? But I so desperately wanted him to come back so we could work everything out and get him some help. Well, this is a good stopping point. I will continue later. There is still quite a bit more, so I understand if you want to get the entire story before making any comments or suggestions. I have a few work phone calls to make and then I will add to this thread. Sorry this got so long… Continue later.

Smiles, 🙂
bleemom
 
*I’m sorry that things are difficult in your marriage. A few things jumped out at me, reading through your thread–and don’t worry about the length, you wrote very well, so it was good to have a lot of detail.

I notice you have been married 8 yrs, and he has a 10 yr old step daughter. So, that means you met him…shortly after he divorced? How long did you date? If he jumped from his first marriage to you, that could be PART of the problem.

Second, coming back from Iraq, I know many men and women have feelings of anger that they can’t adequately express, it seems. They sometimes grow distant, and I have heard that some turn to other women/men, alcohol, etc…things that might not be in line with who they were before they went off to war. That could also be PART of it.

Just from the timeline of things, if he has a 10 yr old daughter, and you have been married for 8 yrs…you both met, dated, and got married very quickly after his first marriage, and stats show that when people don’t give themselves enough time to heal after a divorce, they might jump into a relationship rather quickly. I’m not saying this is the case, but it could be.

I would definitely get him into counseling, and you both into couples counseling of some type. This isn’t a situation I can see that a romantic marriage retreat will heal…this seems like it will take time, and patience on both of your parts. But, part of me just wonders if he jumped into a relationship with you too quickly after his first marriage. But, again, he needs counseling to maybe get to the root of things. I admire you for wishing to stick by your man, despite his infidelity. But, that relationship NEEDS TO BE OVER, and he needs to want to make things work with you.

You’re in my prayers! Look forward to your replies to some of my question, and hopefully you are not thinking I’m trying to pry, but my questions are intended to help you to maybe think of a few things that might be the problem. *
 
Has he been using his veterans counseling services? If not that needs to be the first stop for you all. They offer those for a reason. Some guys allow their pride to get in the way and won’t take the help. In contrast to the past, the Army looks DOWN on guys who won’t use their counseling these days. If it’s obvious he really needs it, and it sounds to me like it is, you and his Dad need to get together and FORCE him to go! Contact his unit, contact the VA, find out where to get him services. He needs them.

I am an Army Guard wife too. My husband has not deployed yet, but will to Afghanistan in the next year or so. And he knows, and has agreed, that if he has problems when he comes back, I’ll drug him and lock him in the trunk if I have to to get him to his counseling! 😉
 
As a man, a few things stand out to me.

As a sniper (or any other specialized small unit) your husband had both specialized training and a certain elite stature while deployed. He would be a position where he could make most of the final calls on what happened. It was a very unique type of situation with very particular types of stress coming from the fact that he made a mistake he would die. No one takes snipers as POWs.

Then he comes home and has to face up to a messy house, a pregnant wife and a daily grind where he is just another cog. What does he do? He tries to take charge by cleaning the house but the whole time he is frustrated.

When he goes to this training for work and meets another woman suddenly his psyche is back in a comfortable situation. He is out on his on and any mistake will surely cost him. It is the thrill again.

None of this is your fault. If he returns there will likely be arguments again. What he cannot tell you, because he may not even realize it, is that he is uncomfortable because he is no longer in control. He MUST get to counseling or else he will leave you and then he will leave the next woman and so on. To be in a healthy relationship he needs some coping skills to deal with the differences in his life. Many of us when we muster out need help of some sort. The Army is very good at bringing out your latent sociopathic tendencies. Gotta have those coping skills and ways to get past the PTSD and get on with life.

What he does for the service is a valuable and necessary thing, but it is not 100% compatible with a happy married life. Talk to his commanding officer if necessary.

You have my prayers,

Bryan
 
Thank you very much to those that have already replied. I apologize, I think I need to clarify a few things. First, this was 4 years ago that all of this happened. My husband’s first marriage, from what I understand, was a loveless marriage b/c of a baby. My step-daughter being the only good thing to come from it.

Anyway, I will continue the story. My husband came home and we did our best to put the A behind us. Everything with OW stopped. Not too long after DH did decide to go to the Dr. and talk to a therapist. It seemed to really help him. He went to therapy 3 times and after the 3rd time he said he wasn’t going to go back b/c the therapist fell asleep while he was talking. He had been prescribed some meds and he kept taking those. They ended up making him sleep his life away, so he went to a different Dr. Got different meds, then to another dr. and different meds. Trying to find the right one. He wasn’t sleeping b/c of nightmares, etc… He gained weight, as did I. All he wanted to do was play his computer games 24/7. He eventually got to the point where he realized he had to do something. We started working out and eating right. For a while anyway. He has recently been diagnosed with Type II Diabetes b/c of his weight. He is depressed about that I think b/c he used to be in awesome shape. This all happened over the last 3 years or so.

This brings me to the part where I should tell you a little about myself. I am a worrier. This has nothing to do with DH or the A. I have been this way my entire adult life. I can’t leave well enough alone. If things are going great, I worry that there is something I should be worried about. Like things are too good to be true, so I look for something to possibly be wrong. I have been to the Dr. and told I have an obsessive compulsive personality, but not the disorder. I tend to obsess about things. I can’t stand for someone to be mad at me or dislike me. This A gave me something else to be obsessed with. I was constantly checking his cell phone, calling numbers I didn’t recongnize, silently freaking out if I came back home or even just back into the room and noticed his cell phone had been moved! I was always asking him what he was doing on the computer, who he was talking to on the phone, who he was texting, etc… All things I had a right to do for a while. It irritated and seemed to upset DH, but he dealt with it. It wasn’t until a few years after the A, that I WRONGLY accused my DH of calling an inappropriate 800 number that I realized I HAD to stop. DH told me he couldn’t live like that anymore, that what he did was wrong, but happened a long time ago and he had been trying 110% to earn my trust. Not only is it exhausting to obsess like I was, but it meant I wasn’t meeting DH halfway. It was at that point that I stopped and things were great again! I was able to make a consious decision to stop checking on everything. I think it had become a habit. I truly felt I could trust DH again, and we really blamed the A on his PTSD. Not excusing what he did, by any means! But, it was like we just blocked the A from our mind. Ever since the day he came home after he said he was leaving we haven’t spoken of the A. Maybe a few times I had to question him, it would come up. He would tell me that he made a huge mistake and that it would never happen again. If our marriage failed it wouldn’t be b/c of a mistake he made. Things had been awesome again and we were getting past it, up until about 6 months or so. Dh would make comments that I wasn’t fun anymore, to which I thought he was joking. He would also tell me that he initiated 100% of intimacy. I don’t initiate b/c I don’t want to, but I would blow that off too. I didn’t think anything about it.

Ok, it told me my post was way too long. I have to split it into two. Maybe three, so this is continued below.
 
Well, at the beginning of June DH found out that I had been neglecting the bills again. I have a bad habit of rearranging the bills so that we would have the money to do whatever Dh and the kids wanted. Well, I was a stay at home mom at the time and was afraid that DH would make me get a job (SELFISH, I know) if we didn’t have the money to do the things we wanted. Well, thinking that I had everything under control I had our Mortgage 4 months behind. I did have payment arrangments made, so I thought it would all be ok. Well, turns out that I didn’t have things under control at all. DH was so mad! I seriously thought he would leave me for making this mistake AGAIN!. But after yelling at me, he told me that he wasn’t going to leave me and that I was his baby and he would always take care of me and he knew that I would always take care of him. WOW! So, we buckled down and got everything caught up. I had pretty much ruined our credit, not that there was much left to ruin. I know he was hurt and felt betrayed and lied to. It was dishonest of me, I know and regret.

Well, I thought things were going back to normal. Then we had a house flood, when it rains it poors at our house. We are still in the process of getting that fixed. We are financially strained again. Dh is so stressed. About a month ago he was worried that he would be laid off. What would he do to provide for us and give us everything we want. He has always provided me and the kids with whatever we wanted as long as it was possible. Things were just straightening out once again. Then, one morning a few weeks ago something in my gut made me look at his cell phone. I found a text from a girl that said, “Hey wanna talk?” Dh replied “whats up”? She said, I tried to call you earlier. He told her he knew, but couldn’t talk b/c his wife was around!!! My heart sank. When I asked about it, he said it was a girl named X that he went to high school with that he had been talking to on Facebook and he didn’t tell me b/c he didn’t want me to worry or to get upset like I was. He promised me I had nothing to worry about. I told him I just want him to be happy and that if it ever comes to that again to just tell me. He said that he isn’t always happy, but no one is ever Happy ALL the time in any relationship. He said I didn’t have anything to worry about. He spent all his time with our son and I, which is true. I let it go. Of course, I apologized for having to ask. He said I didn’t have anything to apologize for and that he would have reacted the same way. So, I let it go. For then. Then, something inside me made me want to look at his Facebook account. I figured out the password and read his inbox messages. Luckily, he had only been talking to this one girl for a few days. But, they had talked about meeting that Sunday b/c this girl was going to be in his hometown at his cousins house. They were supposed to “kick it”. But, I found several other messages to other girls that he went to high school with. I must mention that my husband’s job makes him have to go out of town a lot. Far away for usually at least a week at a time. Not easy on me. Well, he would tell some of these girls that he wished they would come stay with him or that they should call him or he had a dream about them the other night. These messages went back for like 3 months! He never ever mentioned me in these messages even though it says he is married to me on his profile! Anyway, I checked his email too. Some girl had sent him nude pics. One girl he told he had always had a crush on her in high school and she said the same to him. One day she said she had been in town and that she would have called but forgot her phone. He said darn, it would have been a good day for it b/c business is slow. I kept trying to take comfort in the fact that this wasn’t one woman that he had feelings for, it was like he needed the excitement or something. What on Earth was going on with him. So, I confronted him about this. He said he knew I would check his fb and that he chose not to change all his passwords b/c he thought this might be what it takes for us to realize things need to change. He swore that nothing had happened with any of these girls and that it was all just talk. I told him that I truly believed him that nothing had happened with any of them, but I didn’t understand why he did it. He told me b/c it was exciting and b/c he felt needed. He mentioned that he has told me several times that I am not fun anymore and that I need to loosen up and that he would love for me to initiate intimacy. Ok, I understand that, but this is still WRONG. And he admitted it. He did say that he wasn’t blaming me at all, b/c he was wrong. He told me that it really hurt him when he found out about the bills, etc… That he wanted the “me” that he married. I told him I wanted the “him” that I married. WE just didn’t know what to do. He said that he knew that talking to other girls was wrong, inappropriate, deceitful, and dishonest. He told me that what I did with the money was the same. True. We decided to start fresh. Work on the things the other needed from us. We had been through worse and would get through this. I told him I wanted him to be happy and I wanted to be the only one! He said that I was and that he was never going to act on it. We decided to start over. He would stop talking to other girls and even leave his passwords the way they were. We went to church that Sunday for the first time in years. This was the Sunday that DH had mentioned “kicking it” with that one girl. I did find where she texted him and said, hey whats up? As much as I would have like for him to ignore it he had replied “sleeping” then she asked if he was coming to “kick it”. He didn’t reply to that, so she wrote back "I guess it’s like that then, huh? He still didn’t reply as far as I know. And of course, he didn’t go anywhere. So, i let that go. Goodness this is long. There is still more.
 
DH was trying so hard that next week. We were having a great week, but my obsession had come back. The one to check his phone, his facebook, his email every chance I got w/o him knowing! I hated this. I just didn’t want to be stupid about all of this. There were a few numbers that I didn’t recognize on his phone. I called them. One was a guy that answered and the other a girl. I played dumb and asked her who it was that I kept calling. She told me her name. Then that weekend, things were so great! I didn’t want it to all be too good to be true, so I wanted to ask him about it so I could forget about it and just be happy with how things were. I had tried to forget about it. The only reason I couldn’t was b/c the number that the girl answered from had been dialed the day after we decided to make a fresh start. I asked DH about it. He got very hurt and told me he wasn’t going to live like this and that he hadn’t done anything and that he had been witih me the entire day that day not to mention all week! He got mad and told me that he was just going to pack his stuff when he got back from his business trip. I begged him not to and tried to explain why I asked. He told me he had been giving 110% and it wasn’t good enough. That he left all his passwords the same to build trust with me and that wasn’t good enough. I told him it was good enough and that I was sorry. It was clear I was mistaken. he told me that he might as well go find this girl, etc… I begged him not to go. He was in the middle of working on our house and wouldn’t stop to talk to me. he said that he didn’t have time b/c he had to get the house fixed, so we could sell it since we were splitting up! There went the switch in my head again! I was begging him to stay. He asked why he should. He told me that evidentally he had done too much damage and that I shouldn’t have to live like that. I told him I didn’t want to lose him. He said, I wasn’t loosing him that he had just already lost me. I told him that wasn’t true. That it wasn’t my fault. I told him that I didn’t want a divorce and that I really didn’t think he did either. He said he didn’t, but we couldn’t go on living like that. I told him I could stop snooping and that I knew we could be happy again! I asked if we could just try again. He said we already did. It had been one week! Anyway, I was just making him more mad the more I begged. How weak of me. Why was I the one begging! A therapist told me b/c the person that has been hurt is usually the one that is trying to hold things together. Anyway, I made him mad and he went and changed all of his passwords. this hurt me, but gave me hope that I would have to trust him for the most part and that maybe he was going to try again. Well, nope. He kept saying he was leaving. I finally begged enough that he told me Fine, he would stay and we would both live like this for the rest of our lives. Pretty much to get me to leave him alone. But all I needed was that glimmer of hope. Nothing else was said, I left it alone. He didn’t speak to me except to tell me who every text he got was from and every phone call, kinda just being mean. He was short with me, no touching, no telling each other we loved each other. I decided to give him some space. We did sleep in the same bed though. The next day was Sunday and I had decided that I was going to church with or without him. I got up and got everyone’s clothes ready and myself pulled together. Then I asked him if we were all still going to church. He said, he didn’t want to anymore. I told him I was going to go anyway and that I would take the kids, but I didn’t know what I was doing at a Catholic Church enough to help them out. See I am just now taking classes to learn about being Catholic. I started walking out the door and he just said, get the kids ready. We all went to church together. Still no emotion toward me though. He did hand me a registration for us to fill out to become members of the church. That gave me hope that he was still going to try. We actually went to both church services that day. That was a week ago yesterday. Each day last week got better, Dh decided he was going to go to some Catholics coming home classes and attend my classes with me. He was still pretty short, it almost seemed as if it had become a competition on who would initiate intimacy first or say I love you first. Well, I initiated the intamacy and he said I love you first. I guess we met halfway. It wasn’t until the end of last week though. We went to church again yesterday and it was good. Each day is a new day. Some days I wake up with that knot in my stomach and the more time I spend with DH that day it ends up going away. He does spend all of his time with us. And told me that even when he is unhappy he still hates to be away from me. I know he loves me and I know he is a good person. He has just been through so much and I guess I have too now. We just need another chance! Am I being Naive here? There is still a little bit more to the rest of this story, but I need to rest my fingers and I will post the rest in a little bit. There isn’t much, but this is heart of it all. Thanks so much for baring with me. I know I ended up writing a novel anyway! So sorry! I have more questions, but needed to give you the details and background so you could fully understand! Thanks again!

Smiles, 🙂
bleemom
 
Before I head out for now, I should have mentioned already that DH is out of the Guard now. His committment was actually up before he ever came home. He is actually getting ready to try the VA again! Sorry if I have been leaving out important details. There is just so much! Thanks!
 
*Ok…one cell number maybe…one text message could be explained away…but he seems to be having completely inappropriate conversations on an ongoing basis, with a few different women. This is totally inappropriate for a married man. I know he has a lot of stress, but so do we all. I don’t turn to other men and talk about ‘kickin it’ with them, when I’m stressed. Neither do you.

I think you don’t want to lose your marriage, I understand that. But, what you have is a marriage, with other women in it. 😦 That is something that only your husband can correct. Please get to couples counseling, and talk to your priest. I will pray for you both–I hope that things get better.*
 
Ok, I am back with the last details of the recent problems Dh and I have been having. Well, I went to work Saturday. He texted me a few times and seemed to be missing me a little and anxoius for me to come home. I was almost to our house when he called me and told me that I got something in the mail from our old bank and we till had a very negative balance! I had skrewed up the finances AGAIN! He was very mad at me. I told him I would call and figure it out. He was mad and cleaning the kitchen, b/c it seemed like he didn’t know what else to do. He just looked at me and said, “I dont think we are going to make it.” I wasn’t sure if he meant “us” or finances. I asked him what he meant . He repeated. “I just don’t think we are going to make it.” I asked him why he thought that, he said b/c either I am messing up or he is messing up. I told him we would get through this. He seemed to calm down and let me try to fix it as best I could. I sat down and made a penny for penny budget to pay for everything. I went over it with him and he seemed satisfied with it. It took him a while, but he got over the anger with me. We continued with our plans for the evening. Things were a little distant, but he seemed to understand that it was an honest mistake.

Anyway, we went to church yesterday and he went to a men’s group at church tonight. He has a Catholic’s Coming Home class tomorrow night. THen he leaves on a business trip Wednesday morning. That is going to be hard. DH doesn’t want to go to counceling, but is willing to go on a Marriage Retreat. At first we were going to attend Marriage Encounter, but then I read about Retrouvaille. DH is willing to do either, but not quite sure he understands what Retrouvaille involves. I told him it was along the same lines as ME, but that it was for struggling marriages and there are six follow-up sessions. He told me to just sign up for one. I am pretty sure that Retrouvaille is what we need, but isn’t it more of a last resort kind of thing. I don’t think, despite the few times DH said he was leaving out of anger, that we will be ready to call it quits Retrouvaille or no Retrouvaille. I have just read sooooo many positive things about it. If Retrouvaille doesn’t work does that mean we are doomed? Anyway, I think DH getting involved at church is a good start for us. I am really trying to work on my obsession. Since he changed all his passwords, I can’t check anyway. I have been doing a lot of reading on Retrouvaille and about how things like love and trust are a decision, even if you aren’t feeling it right now. Making the decision to Trust seems to have helped me a lot. I still get that yucky feeling inside when I walk in the room and see that his cell phone has been moved from one place to the other. Is it my obsessiveness? Any ideas on how to help me stop obsessing? Thats about it. Any suggestions, comments, advice, etc… are welcome and appreciated. Thanks so much.

Smiles, 🙂
bleemom
 
Wow, that’s quite a story. I can’t imagine how stressful it must be for your family. I can tell there is a lot of love between you two, though.

This may sound crazy, but it just seems like you might need to strip life down to it’s basics. You have financial trouble, why not reduce your cell phone plans (no texting, limited minutes). Get rid of the internet or reduce to a dial up plan. Both would save money and help eliminate temptations and suspicion. I’ll admit it’s not easy at all, but I’ve noticed when my husband and I consciously work to stay away from phones, internet, tv, etc we are much happier and more active as a couple. We talk, take walks together, garden, play games, work on projects, try out new recipes…just enjoy each other’s company. As a result we are so much closer and more intimate.

Anyway, I know that certainly won’t solve all your problems at all, it’s just a small suggestion. From what I hear Retrouvaille is a wondrous thing.

I will pray for you and your family. Good luck to you all.
 
Bleemon – I didn’t notice anyplace in your post where you told us the two of you pray together – and frequently. Put all your trust in God, have faith in Him and PRAY, both of you together. Pray to Him simply as you would talk to your fathers. The Holy Spirit will guide you and help you.
 
I read this yesterday and passed on replying but since its still here and no one has given you the advice you need I’ll bite. I’ll get hammered for this but I’ll get over it.

So while your husband was overseas fighting for God and country you blew through the checkbook and whined incessantly about how hard your life was to a man that was sleeping on the ground when he wasn’t trying to stop people from killing him?

You’ve opted for a traditional marriage where the man is the provider while the woman is the homemaker - except you don’t. But your husband goes to work everyday and holds up his end of the agreement despite you. He then comes home and puts the house in order while you whine about being unfulfilled.

Reading through your post I have wonder how much time you spent writing them compared to the amount of time you spent making a dinner for your husband or cleaning your house.

You need to get off your tail, clean your house and make a meal for you husband - every day. Your husband has probably reached the point where he doesn’t love you any more and probably doesn’t even like you very much and why would he? You admit you are constantly suspicious of his actions, you don’t work in or outside the home, and you can’t manage the checkbook - what qualities do you have that would make a man want to come home?

I read this and I almost wonder if you are my sister in law - except my brother and his wife don’t have kids (thankfully). Given the situation your husband is probably getting the same advice we give our brother - leave her and don’t look back. I see all this about how you feel and what you want - but not a single word about how this is affecting your children - or have you noticed?

Instead of worrying about how YOU feel you need to start thinking about others – like your husband and your children. Given all the conveniences of a modern home you have a pretty easy gig as a housewife and a mother. It’s not like you have to wash clothes by the river or pluck a chicken for dinner or scoop coal to warm the house. You have to do a few basic chores every day and then possibly work on making your family’s life better with the time left over. That’s why so many mothers home school or do volunteer work in their children’s school. If your therapist hasn’t told you any of this you need to save that money for something more worthwhile.

My wife read your posts and exclaimed how some people don’t realize how good thay have it - until they screw up it up.
 
*In finishing your entire thread now, blee…I can somewhat see where Sam is coming from, but she seems to be a caring and loving wife, Sam. I don’t believe anyone deserves to be cheated on…and bleemom doesn’t seem to be an uncaring or unloving wife. She blew threw some money, it happens. It still doesn’t give a spouse ‘permission’ to flirt and possibly cheat (not sure that happened here) with women. Irresponsible behavior in one spouse shouldn’t dictate irresponsible and possibly immoral behavior in the other.

Regardless though, blee…I would seek counseling for yourself, your husband and you together…and perhaps your husband needs counseling from the trauma of fighting in a war. I will keep you all in my prayers. *
 
whatevergirl said:
*In finishing your entire thread now, blee…I can somewhat see where Sam is coming from, but she seems to be a caring and loving wife, Sam. I don’t believe anyone deserves to be cheated on…and bleemom doesn’t seem to be an uncaring or unloving wife. . *
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I didn’t say he was blameless in this either - but he isn’t the one asking for advice. I’d have few choice words for him too. The first being if your own wife can’t trust you why should anyone else?
 
*Okay, I think that is fair. It is interesting, a male perspective sometimes on things like this…I think there is always more to things than meet the eye–you and your wife’s opinions could be very valuable in lasting change with this couple. You know, when we are knee deep in the ‘trees’ sometimes it takes an outsider to help us see the forest.

blee–hope you come back to let us know how you and your husband are doing. God bless.*
 
blee, I have to post here because I have gone through something similar, and I will share with you what worked for us.

My husband is not Catholic (nor any faith) and did not believe in counseling. He is very quiet, will not open up, works in law enforcement, has anger issues, and has had 2 affairs that he STILL denies (even though I had proof-there was then another lie to cover). I figured there was no way he will ever be honest with me about it, so I had to come up with something for my sanity. By the way, I did not keep a clean house or manage money well either. And yes, one of my husband’s complaints was that I did not initiate (which is so difficult sometimes due to the past affairs-oh well). We basically lived like strangers, as I couldn’t face a liar, and he had this heavy burden, but was too proud to admit his mistake (still hasn’t). Anyways, I was tired of crying and asking him “why?”, so I figured, life goes on for me. Drama ruined everything, as the drama just made him more mad and pushed him away. So, I went along my merry way, and was responsible for my four children’s happiness and security. We still lived together, but I spread love and kindness on thickly, because HE had the problem, and there was truly NOTHING I could do about it.

Except prayer. Heavy duty prayer. Like a few Rosaries daily. Every Mass offered up for him. Every pain, scrape, owie, sacrifice, penance, for him. I offered up my marriage to the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts, and just talked to Jesus and Mary instead of whining to my friends (which didn’t help anyways, made them extra mad at my husband, lost respect for me, and they ended up just telling me to divorce him because they didn’t want to hear it anymore). I kept everything in my heart, which was extremely difficult, but if our Mother could do it, so could I.

Well, we have been married for 20 years, and we are extremely happy. I never bring up the past (yes, it still hurts, but with the Grace of our Lord, he eases my burden), and I got on a few encouraging websites to help me keep a clean house and to be more mature in budgeting. We live very simple, and are so much happier.

Men are easy. Clean house, good food and loving, and their children taken care of, and they will give you the world. Unfortunately, it took me 15 years to figure it out.

Daily Rosary and/or Mass, and DEFINITELY Adoration to sort your heart and mind out. These were the ONLY tools that worked for me, as my husband refused counseling. I never dreamed in a million years that things would change.

By the way, he is home with us all the time, and totally devoted to us. He is very loving towards us now, and has no more anger issues. He is more at peace. The only obstacle is his conversion, which I know willl happen someday.

SamH seems harsh, but he is right…it took me a long time to admit it. Maybe ask Our Lady to help you see in your husband what he needs to make it work.

It sounds like you two love each other deeply, which is the great basis for marriage. Try really hard to set a schedule for your house and LOVE your home. Try the FlyLady website and A Christian Home (both not Catholic, but pick and choose the encouragement that applies to you). These also helped a lot. Getting up early for private devotions helped me too. I am unable to pray with my husband (he is very resistant to anything religious), so early prayers were so helpful for peace and clarity.

God Bless you. Everything will be fine. Rosary, Rosary, Rosary!!

Porkchop
 
I’m coming down on the side of SamH. I am a wife who screwed up the finances royally and hid what was going on from my husband.

What no one else has really said is that in many ways, that is equivalent to cheating. My husband reacted as if I had. Think about it… I betrayed his trust. There had to be an extended pattern of lying and hiding things for our finances to get as bad as they were. He trusted me, and I completely violated that trust. I have vowed never to do that to him again, and am working my butt off to prove he can trust me. I tell him about transactions and keep him up to date on how much we have in checking.

It took him months to start acting decently to me again. It got so bad that I called him an emotional abuser and told him that if this was all he had left to offer in our marriage, then we needed to be done. He was taking it out on the kids, too. It was during that conversation that I realized that what I had done was basically equivalent to cheating on him. He said that he couldn’t relax around me, and couldn’t trust me about anything, because he knew I had been lying to him and hiding things for a long time. He was having a hard time being in the same room with me and having to look at me.

I destroyed the foundation of our marriage. I am lucky that he loves me enough that he forgave me and decided to fight for his family. We are happy and peaceful together again, but it took almost a year. We still struggle financially, but now we share that trial together.

Your husband probably feels just as betrayed as you do. He has shut down to protect himself. You need to stop focusing on what his problem might be and fix yourself first. It sounds to me like your marriage has been dysfunctional and even toxic on both sides, for a long time.

You are acting like a child, trying to get Daddy to discipline you. You are a grown woman with children and a marriage in trouble. You need to grow up now.
 
SaltySirena said:
I’m coming down on the side of SamH. I am a wife who screwed up the finances royally and hid what was going on from my husband.

What no one else has really said is that in many ways, that is equivalent to cheating. My husband reacted as if I had. Think about it… I betrayed his trust. There had to be an extended pattern of lying and hiding things for our finances to get as bad as they were. He trusted me, and I completely violated that trust. I have vowed never to do that to him again, and am working my butt off to prove he can trust me. I tell him about transactions and keep him up to date on how much we have in checking.

It took him months to start acting decently to me again. It got so bad that I called him an emotional abuser and told him that if this was all he had left to offer in our marriage, then we needed to be done. He was taking it out on the kids, too. It was during that conversation that I realized that what I had done was basically equivalent to cheating on him. He said that he couldn’t relax around me, and couldn’t trust me about anything, because he knew I had been lying to him and hiding things for a long time. He was having a hard time being in the same room with me and having to look at me.

I destroyed the foundation of our marriage. I am lucky that he loves me enough that he forgave me and decided to fight for his family. We are happy and peaceful together again, but it took almost a year. We still struggle financially, but now we share that trial together.

Your husband probably feels just as betrayed as you do. He has shut down to protect himself. You need to stop focusing on what his problem might be and fix yourself first. It sounds to me like your marriage has been dysfunctional and even toxic on both sides, for a long time.

You are acting like a child, trying to get Daddy to discipline you. You are a grown woman with children and a marriage in trouble. You need to grow up now.
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I find your post to be very helpful, and insightful. I think it’s so great that some of you admit this about yourselves, and were able to work on things to better your own marriages.

I recently didn’t want to tell my husband about an online jewelry purchase, and some on here told me that was wrong to do. I knew that on some level, and even though I work outside of the home, it’s not right to hide purchases from our spouses. I think I hid it because I was buying things a little too often online, and felt embarassed for lack of a better word. We are past it now, but at that time…my husband jokingly said…‘so what else are you hiding from me?’ He truly meant it in jest, BUT…I don’t want him to feel that way. 😦 We are both normally open books to one another…so, it bothered me that I caused even an inkling of angst with regard to that.

Yes, I suppose it is a betrayal. I don’t think that the OP here can be totally blamed for her husband turning to other women. Carrying on seductive conversations with other women, to me, is worse than a wife mismanaging the finances. Both are betrayals of trust, but on very different levels. In other words, personally, if I blew a bunch of money and didn’t want to own up to it right away, and then my husband cheated on me because he felt he could not longer trust me…that excuse wouldn’t fly with me. Oh-he cheated because I didn’t tell him how much money I was spending? There are a myriad of reasons why people seek out other people, other than their spouses. It can be for comfort, understanding, etc…but the exchange was ‘let’s kick it,’ that didn’t seem all that deep to me, from what I read in the OP’s opening post. :o So…while the OP has work to do on her own to help her marriage–I still feel that her husband’s behavior was unwarranted.

Again, praying for all involved to see brighter days in their marriages! ❤️*
 
Porkchop2, as I prepare myself for entering a marriage in a year or two, I will keep hold of your words: "Men are easy. Clean house, good food and loving, and their children taken care of, and they will give you the world. " Thank you for that.

Bleemom - I agree with SamH.

At this point, the best thing to do would be to determine what you can do to make the marriage better - getting hold of the finances, etc. Housework - perhaps keeping things uncluttered would help, even if things weren’t perfect? My SO is visual, and my piles of stuff bother him, so I am learning to focus on getting those out of the way.

One thing that stands out is that his need for “excitement” may still be a problem. I have no words to offer on that, but given his history in the military, the andrenaline must have been nearly constant. Now, in his civilian life, it’s all but gone. No solutions, but it just stands out. Perhaps another man could comment??

Juli
 
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