Some pretty good advice thus far.
Bleemom, I know you have tried hard. In your way. And nothing excuses infidelity, except maybe temporary insanity brought about by PTSD and depression.
Since your husband responded to that with contrition, an attempt to fix things, he has not abused you, has attempted to get it right with the Lord and has kept returning, YOU NEED TO WORK WITH HIM! There is room for hope here! But YOU have to do some stuff also.
Retrouvaille can be very good! I can see hope if you two go.
But I also see some things not mentioned here.
Your husband is a military man. A lot of them LIKE ORDER. They are rule followers and attention to order and detail can be the difference between life and death. I can tell you for a fact that for some military guys, being in a messy room can be mental torture. Square it away. SEEK HIS HELP IN THIS. Ask him how he wants it. Ask his advice on organizing it. (You get a twofer here… he is needed, and he is seeing you care too.) His home needs to be a quiet, orderly refuge from a very ugly world out there. YOUR job as homemaker is to make that home for him.
As for the finances… people here need to remember this isn’t just any paycheck she blew through. He risked his life for every dollar she misspent on deployment. She needs to have more respect for HIS effort. When she treats his paycheck with disrespect, she is treating HIM with disrespect. Men identify with their jobs and the money they bring home in a different way than women.
I would suggest (and I rarely make this suggestion) that for the next year she turn that job over to him. And the credit cards. Her way of instilling trust in him. And accountability. He can give her the cash she needs to buy groceries, and he can be in charge of making sure the essential bills are being paid. Yes, she lied to him about one of the most important things to him… she deceived him about the finances. Bad. In return, maybe he can share his passwords and be accountable with the other stuff where he was dishonest.
She also needs to remember that a sniper lives on an adrenaline rush. A lot of military guys are good at their job because they “thrive” on the edge. Take that away and they subconsciously look to replace that by other actions in life… some go scuba diving, some take up other hobbies. She has a husband who keeps coming back to do the right thing by his wife and kids. She needs to meet him halfway. And find a way to channel that adrenaline.
And she needs to maybe show him she wants HIM. Because there are plenty of women out there that might want him too. If you were a man, which one would you want… the woman who seemed interested in you or the wife who acts disinterested? Spice it up a little, Bleemom! Buy some new clothes. Do your hair. Find a way to let him know he’s YOUR MAN! Give him a break! Want him!
He probably doesnt’ think it will work because you aren’t giving him the concrete things he needs to see from you.
Get joint counselling, please! Read some marriage building books. Go see Fireproof.
Treat him with respect. He sounds like he would treat you with it in return. If you can’t keep a relatively clean house, then forego some luxury and pay someone to clean it every two weeks. His job exacted a lot of discipline from him. A LOT! You need to show some too.
Please keep us posted. And go to Retrouvaille. And keep praying. Your guy isn’t that complicated. His kind isn’t that hard to keep happy if you’ll meet HIM half way.
Please know how lucky you are that he seems to keep trying.
Trust is a two-way street.
