Need marriage advice

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I plan to talk to a priest, but I just need advise until I’m able to speak with my priest next week. This is personal, but my husband has a porn problem. Before he got deep into our Catholic faith he did it a lot, and recently we had a child. Ever since my daughter has been born my husband has been doing porn again. I keep catching him and he swears he won’t do it or he will say well this form of porn isn’t necessarily sinful just not pure 😣 I am struggle to trust him at this point. I have tried to give him as much attention as possible, but recently when I’m trying to get my daughter to sleep (we cosleep) I’ll accidently fall asleep. I asked him to wake me and we can spend time together, but he uses this time to watch porn and usually will go to sleep on the couch or come to bed real late. I just don’t know what to do at this point.
 
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He needs to know that it’s not acceptable. And you should refrain from sex until he has recognized this and is going to counselling for it.

I recommend couples counselling, because it’s not about who is wrong, but him overcoming the wrong behavior with your support.

Refraining from sex is not casting him out. He is already creating separation by resorting to porn instead of you. You can only overcome this by loving him. Demonstrate that even though it hurts you, it is not breaking you because you love him and want him to stop. Not just for selfish reasons, but for his good, which is the good of you both.
 
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There are a lot of porn-quittin’ sites on the internet that can help someone going through an addiction. However, the person has to not want to watch porn. The only way I know to quit is cold turkey. Also, your brain gets really messed up on pornography. You lose interest in responsible sex because with porn, there is no responsibility. I would say talk to a priest, but if he wants to quit, he can quit. After a couple of weeks, it gets extremely easier to stay quit.
 
I think you’re going to get flamed for this post, but I agree that giving your spouse lots of sex is a good thing to do–I would certainly recommend that over starving your spouse of sex. That said, the OP’s body may not be ready for intercourse, and Catholic teaching is that only acts ordered to procreation are acceptable.
 
Ammi said:
And you should refrain from sex until he has recognized this and is going to counselling for it.
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No, withdrawing sex as a punishment is a terrible thing and creates resentment, it would be better to get him to choose between the two, any man in his right mind would choose sex with his wife over porn.
 
The OP said he did not think it is wrong. So he IS making the choice. Only he is getting both.

A spouse should say “No, you dont practice porn and take me also. You reject porn, and work on it, and we can have relations.”

It’s not punishment. Its admonishment with sanction. But also with hope to reconcile.
 
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Ammi said:
And you should refrain from sex until he has recognized this and is going to counselling for it.
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Please, do not advise using sex as a weapon or discipline for one’s spouse.

@rfd I am glad you are talking to your priest. Believe me, your priest hears this same thing often and has good advice for you. Pray for your husband, listen to your priest!
 
TheLittleLady said:
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Ammi:
And you should refrain from sex until he has recognized this and is going to counselling for it.
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Please, do not advise using sex as a weapon or discipline for one’s spouse.

@rfd I am glad you are talking to your priest. Believe me, your priest hears this same thing often and has good advice for you. Pray for your husband, listen to your priest!
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A wife’s body is certainly not a weapon. It is given to a spouse as their own. When a spouse is giving over to lust and pornography, there is a need to reconcile, because there is a sin against fidelity.

If the spouse who has given no cause for this temptation (refusing sex for inappropriate lengths, demanding contraception, quarreling or abusive behavior, masturbation, etc.) then refraining from sex is very appropriate until Reconciliation is acheived!

Sex should mean that a couple is already reconciled to one another, and celebrating their love and devotion together. When a spouse is hurt and offended by another through their use of pornography, then that behavior should change before embracing the marital act.

I am expressing, as a man, what I would appreciate! I would respect being told, “Before we have sex, I need this to stop. I am not doing it, I am not asking you to contracept, I am not refusing sex ordinarily, but this is important to remove from our life and work on pure relations with one another.”
 
Well then my husband is a saint because I have been in constant pain for 2 1/2 years from a high impact injury. My husband respects me, and he offers up his needs to St. Joseph, the chaste spouse of Mary.
 
Iancopeland said:
He’s been watching porn because you have been starving him, I guarantee it’s not his 1st choice, but porn never says no.
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Well, not all men turn to porn when they don’t get sex from their wives. Some men are actually able to take no for an answer, even if it is for long stretches at a time.

How does a man with such needs react for the 6-8 weeks after childbirth while the wife is healing and sex is off limits? Or when his wife is ill and can’t have sex? Or if he and his wife are geographically apart for extended periods of time? Sex isn’t something you just get whenever you have the need for it. Sometimes it’s necessary to be able to do without.
Iancopeland said:
You falling asleep on him, probably hurt him and says your all’s intimacy is not as important to you.
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Not sure if you have kids or not but being the mother of a little baby is exhausting. The doctors are aren’t kidding when they say sleep when the baby sleeps. Sleep isn’t optional, and you need to get it when you can. I have 2 kids. I know.

Furthermore, she says she tries to spend as much time with him as possible, and even asked him to wake her up if she fell asleep, but he just went to the porn.
Iancopeland said:
You can use several body parts if your understandably not interested in this as much, you don’t only have one body part option here.
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No, actually she can’t, not without sinning. What you’re encouraging goes against the teachings of the Church.
 
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Iancopeland, I’m amazed that your profile states Catholic. Your post doesn’t even begin to show a Catholic view. What it shows is an immature view. Hopefully, the priest will give better advice. Your advice turns a woman into an object that is supposed to “relieve” her husband like some sort of machine on a schedule. It doesn’t consider the woman’s fertility, time of the month, health, fatigue, feelings and many other parameters. Viewing porn encourages exactly this type of thinking, right down to the way you see a woman as a collection of body parts. When a husband has a relationship with a wife, he must relate to her. This requires maturity and the opposite of selfishness. . . .
 
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By your logic, families raising teen boys, with totally raging hormones, should not encourage chastity until marriage because it would be too anguishing. What would be your advice in that situation?
 
Psalm30 said:
Well, not all men turn to porn when they don’t get sex from their wives. Some men are actually able to take no for an answer, even if it is for long stretches at a time.
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Probably although there is difference between not having sex because the wife has just given birth and not having sex because she is rejecting you for some reason.
Lara said:
My only suggestion to the OP is to not co-sleep with her daughter. The baby at least needs her own bed, if not her own bedroom.
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100%, this isn’t good for the parents or the child and will make it harder in future to encourage the child to sleep in their own bed.
 
I see the difference here, last week there was a thread by a woman stating how she isn’t having sex with her husband and she wants it and misses it, nobody said she was using her husband’s body as a piece of meat but when it’s the man he is being selfish?

Have you asked your husband why he is watching porn?
 
BigRon said:
I see the difference here, last week there was a thread by a woman stating how she isn’t having sex with her husband and she wants it and misses it, nobody said she was using her husband’s body as a piece of meat but when it’s the man he is being selfish?
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He’s not being selfish by wanting sex. He’s being selfish by turning to porn. If the woman in the other thread had been turning to porn, we’d be saying the same things to her as we are to him.
 
BigRon said:
Probably although there is difference between not having sex because the wife has just given birth and not having sex because she is rejecting you for some reason.
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She has said she tries to spend as many time with him as possible and even said she asked him to wake her up if she fell asleep. She’s trying. It’s exhausting having a little baby. He can meet her halfway.
 
Iancopeland said:
you are not a man, you know not our needs.
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The problem is you are using these needs to justify sin. It may reduce his culpability, but it doesn’t give him a free pass to keep sinning.

And, honestly, you are not a woman. You don’t know how the time after the birth of a baby can be for a new mother. She is awake at all hours caring for the baby, her body isn’t the same as it was before, her own hormones are raging, necessary sleep is a luxury…you acknowledge nothing about any of this in your post. It sounds like she’s trying. He needs to meet her halfway. I would never have told my husband to wake me up to spend time with him in my sleep deprived state as a new mother. The fact that she did that shows how much she cares for him and is trying. But he just took the opportunity to use porn.
Iancopeland said:
I merely stated the fact that a man must be relieved. I prescribed twice a day because that will over satisfy any man, and OP will have this problem no more. Over stimulation in this arena will lead him to see that maybe he doesn’t need it as much. I am sorry it’s this way, I didnt make me and many others this way.
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You speak of this as if it’s something men have no control over. Maybe you’re right, I don’t know. I’m not a man. However, is it possible that the men who don’t turn to porn also have these needs and just do a better job of controlling them without engaging in sinful activities?

And, how do unmarried men deal with this in a way that isn’t sinful?
 
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Psalm30 said:
You speak of this as if it’s something men have no control over. Maybe you’re right, I don’t know. I’m not a man. However, is it possible that the men who don’t turn to porn also have these needs and just do a better job of controlling them without engaging in sinful activities?

And, how do unmarried men deal with this in a way that isn’t sinful?
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It is very possible for men to control themselves and not give into porn or masterbation for extended periods of sexual abstinence. This guy does not speak for all men. This “men have needs” talk sounds more like what a teenage boy tries to tell a teenage girl so that he can “score”. Even married, me and my wife cant have relations every time we want. We control ourselves until we can.

In all reality I think his advice of just having relations twice a day with her husband will create a over sexed porn addict instead of causing him to stop using porn.
 
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