Need Moving-out Advice- Abusive Situation

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DoloresHeart

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Some of you might recall my background. To make it short, I am a college student living at home. My mother is very emotionally and verbally abusive and is suffering from a very pronounced but undiagnosed mental illness. I am worried now that she might again become physically abusive. I also can’t handle the stress and anguish that she is causing me. Classes start again in a few weeks and the thought of managing that makes me feel ill.

To further complicate things I am mildly autistic and I do not handle these sorts of things well, nor do I handle well drastic changes, which moving out will be. But I feel like I don’t have a lot of options. My friends live too far away to stay with and I don’t know anyone else I could room with.

So how does a girl studying an intensive major find a way to summon up the courage to move out and to actually make it work? I do not have a lot of money and the thought of being in debt to do this makes me sick (debt is something I despise with a passion). I have no car and I do not yet have my drivers’ license. The last I am really trying to work on but with no help or support it is not going well. I am working but I don’t see how I can work enough during the school year to support myself while getting good enough grades to do what I would like to do with my life.

I am very scared. Last night was horrible and when I got to work today I just went in an unoccupied, dark room and cried for three hours. I never cry unless I am truly, truly at a breaking point. I don’t know what to do.

I have been talking to my best friend about this situation and he promised his prayers and support, but he lives a few hours away. And my mother is now threatening to cancel the internet service out of spite so I am afraid I will not be able to speak with him very often either, at a time when I so desperately need a shoulder to lean on. This person is the only dependable individual I have ever dealt with in my life and I trust him with all my heart.

If anyone has any advice at all, please share. Little things, big things. If you had a similar situation and got out of it okay, I would be glad to hear your story. And prayers would be appreciated. I am having a really hard time right now and I feel so incredibly alone.
 
Have you looked into living in the dorms for now? That way you would be on campus and near your classes, and wouldn’t need to drive too much. Once you get more established there, you could always look for an apartment and roommates if you prefer that over the dorms.

Also, does your college have any kind of counselor that you could talk to about your situation? They might also be able to give you or point you to some practical help with moving, too.

Sorry that you are going through this; I will pray for you.
 
Colleges usually have good counseling departments with staff who know of resources that are available. I’d give your college a call and see what kind of help they can provide. Prayers and best wishes.
 
DoloresHeart said:
Some of you might recall my background. To make it short, I am a college student living at home. My mother is very emotionally and verbally abusive and is suffering from a very pronounced but undiagnosed mental illness. I am worried now that she might again become physically abusive. I also can’t handle the stress and anguish that she is causing me. Classes start again in a few weeks and the thought of managing that makes me feel ill.

To further complicate things I am mildly autistic and I do not handle these sorts of things well, nor do I handle well drastic changes, which moving out will be. But I feel like I don’t have a lot of options. My friends live too far away to stay with and I don’t know anyone else I could room with.

So how does a girl studying an intensive major find a way to summon up the courage to move out and to actually make it work? I do not have a lot of money and the thought of being in debt to do this makes me sick (debt is something I despise with a passion). I have no car and I do not yet have my drivers’ license. The last I am really trying to work on but with no help or support it is not going well. I am working but I don’t see how I can work enough during the school year to support myself while getting good enough grades to do what I would like to do with my life.

I am very scared. Last night was horrible and when I got to work today I just went in an unoccupied, dark room and cried for three hours. I never cry unless I am truly, truly at a breaking point. I don’t know what to do.

I have been talking to my best friend about this situation and he promised his prayers and support, but he lives a few hours away. And my mother is now threatening to cancel the internet service out of spite so I am afraid I will not be able to speak with him very often either, at a time when I so desperately need a shoulder to lean on. This person is the only dependable individual I have ever dealt with in my life and I trust him with all my heart.

If anyone has any advice at all, please share. Little things, big things. If you had a similar situation and got out of it okay, I would be glad to hear your story. And prayers would be appreciated. I am having a really hard time right now and I feel so incredibly alone.
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I’m going to divide my suggestions into personal and academic, just to make it easier to break down.
  1. Academic:
    -See if your institution has scholarships/bursaries that you might qualify for. Some institutions even have “emergency funding” available for students in difficult situations. Check with the Registrar’s Office and/or your academic adviser to see what your options are.
    -Given your situation, prayerfully discern whether it may be in your best interest to take some time off from school. Although most university programs are designed as 4-year degrees, usually there is a longer amount of time (about 7 years or so) that you have to complete all of your courses. With the amount you have on your plate right now, continuing in university/college may not be an option at present. You might feel better for taking a semester or a year off.
    -Most post-secondary institutions (at least from what I’ve seen) have counselling services available free of charge for students. (The cost to access these services is included in your tuition.) You might go and see a counsellor to help you adjust to the idea of moving out. These people will be professionals, same as you would find in a private counselling clinic, and it will likely be much cheaper.
  2. Personal:
    -Contact a domestic violence hotline. Explain your situation. They may be able to give you additional tips. After you contact them, dial the Weather Channel or something equally innocuous, so if your mom tries to see who you called she won’t be able to find out you called the hotline.
    -Squirrel away as much cash as you can. Cash can’t be traced, so it’s much easier to “disappear” from an abuser if you’re using cash as compared to a credit card - especially if your parents still have access to your finances.
    -Find a place to live in advance. As PPs have suggested, options can include things like a dorm/residence hall, another student who wants a roommate, etc. You might even try something like house-sitting. That would give you a place to live without the additional costs and responsibilities of true home ownership.
    -Make sure that you pack all of your important documents, such as your birth certificate, before you leave. If you don’t have a copy you can usually get one by going to a registry office.
    -See if you can find some options to help with getting your driver’s license. Is there another student you know who has a vehicle and is willing to teach you? Can you afford to take some sort of driver’s training? Meanwhile, if getting your license isn’t possible, can you find alternative methods of transportation? Can you buy a bike? Do you live in an area where public transport is readily accessible? (Often there are student discounts on bus/transit passes.) Is it an option for you to carpool with somebody?
 
Why not try school on a part-time basis? This would give you more time to work and may lessen the stress a bit by your having less homework. Not everyone can finish a degree in the designated 4 years, and that is not a big deal.

Also, check into work study positions that are related to your interests and courses. This way you may find your way to the perfect job down the road. Be flexible with work options and educational goals. It is just a good idea to have a couple of possibilities out there. Many people have 5-10 careers in a life time, so variability in studies and an open mind to different kinds of work is a good thing.

As far as a place to live: Can you afford a studio apartment? Try this instead of a single room. They used to be the cheapest way to go, and I lived in one for years. Room-mates never worked for me as I found it opened the door to a variety of problems even in the best of circumstances. To keep from being lonely make sure to find an activity you enjoy and participate at least twice a month. (Choir, hiking, or just go eat out someplace inexpensive.)

I know it is hard out there, but it can be done. From your posts I think you would benefit from regular counseling if you do make the move. It is hard to break away from abusive situations and one of the things I learned is those who are abused often contribute to the cycle without knowing it. We develop responses and behaviors that feed into the cycle we are used to living in and in a way defeat ourselves. This is why counseling is needed.
 
I am sorry to hear about your situation.

I think everyone goes through this phase of having altercations with our parents. Do you know if there is an underlying reason why she is abusive like that? Like any past violent relationships with family? that may give you some understanding on why she is like that.

But the truth remains that you need to get yourself out of that situation for your own health and safety.

Have you thought of looking for a roommate and getting perhaps a part time job to help with the expenses? In the end, you may pretty much have to get up and go if there is no talking your way into your mom accepting that you are leaving the house. Parents just need reassurance that they are still loved by their kids. My mom calms down after I give her enough space and just talk of something else or treat her to dinner.

May God bless you in this difficult times.
 
Start looking into financial aid for school and move out. Being in debt is never desirable, but will be better than living with your mother for the rest of your school days. Find someone who will help you learn to drive and will let practice on their car until you can pass the test for your license; you will need one after school and getting one now will increase your independence and open up more options. If your mom cuts off the internet at the house, go to the public library and use their computers, that may not be a bad idea anyhow.
 
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