Need Parenting Advice

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MommyLeah

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Hello all

I have a five year old son who has been tested as gifted academically, but has a “sensory intergration” problem. He started kindergarten this fall, and has been doing a lot of pushing and yelling at peers. My fiance and I do not want to put him on medication, but I’m at the end of my rope. I have tried taking away all priviledges when he has hard days at school, making charts to motivate him…he’ll have a good week, and then two bad days…then three good days, then one bad day, etc. etc. My fiance spanks him when he has hard days, and even though that doesn’t sit well with me, my son has some response to that.

I appreciate any advice given.
 
Does your son have a chemical unbalance issue maybe?..If so, he may not be able to control his actions at his age. Have you tried diet modification?(done under supervision of a nutrution expert).

My son has ADHD, it was not until he reached pubity(spelled that wrong), that his behavior started to improve. He still has impulse control problems, but not nearly as often. For us, we just had to wait until the chemicals in his body started to change. Plus, being older, he has better learned how to fight his control problems.

You have my prayers and understanding. I walk this same road of sorts.
 
Dear Leah,
I’m sorr but here is what I found wrong with your posting and maybe the finding will help you.
My fiance and I do not want to put him on medication, but I’m at the end of my rope.
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Most HADD people are gifted. Talk to you doctor. Maybe a low dose of something will help.

I do not believe in over medicating children, but I do recognize the need to medicate some. I was a rydlin (sp) baby of the 60’s.
I have tried taking away all priviledges when he has hard days at school, making charts to motivate him…he’ll have a good week, and then two bad days…then three good days, then one bad day, etc. etc.
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Challenge him and help him focus with mental exercises and games. Your son lashes out for 2 reasons, either he’s board or he’s frustrated that he can not do a function because he can not focus.
My fiance spanks him when he has hard days, and even though that doesn’t sit well with me, my son has some response to that.
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Get rid of the guy! He has no right hitting your child. It’s not his child not is he the child’s father or step-father.

Your son may be acting out because of your living arangements.

I know you are pregnant, but is marring the baby’s father worth the physical or mental health of your first son?

Just a question, how many times has your fiance hit you?

And the answer would not be NONE it would be NOT YET.
 
I hate to say this, dhgray, but you are very off base with your reply. My son ADORES my fiance, and my fiance is the kindest, sweetest and most pure of heart man I’ve ever met in my life.

I think you are pre-judging our living arrangements. Since we are not married, we live in separate residences. He lives upstairs with a roomate, I live downstairs. We come together for dinner and to watch tv and have family time together, then my son and I go downstairs to sleep. We are trying to be good Catholics~~we could have taken the financially and emotionally easy way out and lived together, but we didn’t. We are choosing to do the “right thing” after the “wrong thing” that we did, and are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby girl in November.

I appreciate the fact that you chose to reply and give your advice, but I wish you would have stayed away from generalizing how “bad” of a man my fiance is and how “bad” of a mom I am.

Take Care
 
Leah,

I have worked with special needs children–both gifted and LD, MR, autistic, down syndrome, etc. Many of these kiddos have SI (sensory integration) issues. There are plenty of therapies that have nothing to do with medication…

Have you ever received services from the public school system (early intervention or otherwise) to deal with his sensory issues? An occupational therapist? He/she can help with assessing exactly what protocol is best to help him self-regulate. This will vastly improve his behavior, too. Have you worked with a behavioral therapist (psychologist) to deal with his tantrums and help you understand how best to intervene? If not, you should speak with your pediatrician and get some reccomendations to show your school principal. Chaos can be averted, and he will FEEL better. This is your child’s right!!! 🙂

Praying for you,
Abby
 
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MommyLeah:
I hate to say this, dhgray, but you are very off base with your reply. My son ADORES my fiance, and my fiance is the kindest, sweetest and most pure of heart man I’ve ever met in my life.

I think you are pre-judging our living arrangements. Since we are not married, we live in separate residences. He lives upstairs with a roomate, I live downstairs. We come together for dinner and to watch tv and have family time together, then my son and I go downstairs to sleep. We are trying to be good Catholics~~we could have taken the financially and emotionally easy way out and lived together, but we didn’t. We are choosing to do the “right thing” after the “wrong thing” that we did, and are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby girl in November.

I appreciate the fact that you chose to reply and give your advice, but I wish you would have stayed away from generalizing how “bad” of a man my fiance is and how “bad” of a mom I am
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With all due respect, I don’t think he was calling you a “bad” mom, he might have been insinuating you were in a bad situation though. I applaud you for not living together, but dhgray’s point should be at least thought about. Your fiance spanks your child, it doesn’t sit well with you. Have you talked about it with him? Do you both agree it is the best thing for the child, even if you don’t like it? You left us with some bad immpressions, I’m afraid. And your child adoring your fiance does not make their relationship immune from containing innapropriate punnishment, but only YOU can initially make that decision and take appropriate action. You are still the child’s mother, you should be the final word on punishment, even if, in the end, you need your fiance to carry it out.

It is too easy to jump to conclusions with out all the facts, and you are asking for opinions, so you might have to answer some incorrect jumps.

May God guide you,

John
 
Mommy Leah, with all do respect, your fiance has NO business playing “daddy” until he legally adopts your son. It does not matter that he is a nice guy, but techinically he is your boyfriend who you may or may not get serious about. I believe YOU and YOUR SON need help from a psycholgist or family therapist. In the mean time
I am sorry if you think people are being judgemental about this, but you did ask for advice in a public forum.
 

I hate to say this, dhgray, but you are very off base with your reply. My son ADORES my fiance, and my fiance is the kindest, sweetest and most pure of heart man I’ve ever met in my life.​

That really does not matter, again, YOUR FIANCE HAS NO BUSINESS playing DAD until he legally adopts your son. If you let that happen, you are allowing chaos in your son’s life .
 
Perhaps he is not ready for kindergarten. You could take him out of school, and send him to kindergarten next year when hopefully he will be more mature.
 
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dhgray:
Just a question, how many times has your fiance hit you?

And the answer would not be NONE it would be NOT YET.
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Wow! We’ve got a psychic on these boards!

Quick! Tell me what next Wednesday’s lottery numbers are!

:rolleyes:

– Mark L. Chance.
 
Leah,

I am an Occupational Therapist and treat adults who have sensory processing difficulties. Kids and adults who have these problems can be very challenging when approached from a strict behavioral approach.

They have sensory differences that need treatment and accomodation. There are really great resources that can help your son understand things he can do to calm down and pay attention. He probably really needs to increase strength/resistance exercises to get good brain chemistry so he can learn. He can change brain chemistry through exercise without resorting to drugs.

The Out of Synch Child by Kranowitz is a great introduction to kids like your son. Many libraries have this.

Does he currently receive Occupational Therapy? It may be difficult to have yoru son qualify for services through the school district at this age – often these diffferences are not enough to qualify. He needs Occupational Therapy – at least an eval and some treatment sessions to give you ideas of things you can do to help him. “How does your engine run?” is a great program for kids like this.

A neighbor has a three year old who is now receiving Occupational Therapy in school and in a clinic and it has made a world of difference.

Your fiancee is obviously frustrated by his behavior but it is your responsibility to discipline your child and if you are not comfortable with spanking, then your child should not be spanked – even after marriage. That is something that you must work out before you get married.

Good luck to you. May God Bless your family. I’ll keep monitoring this link if you have any general questions. Dennis.
 
I used to work with children and adolescents with emotional/behavioral, and psychiatric problems.

I understand that you may not want to medicate, but please trust me, and trust your doctors when they tell you (if they are telling you) that your son may need medication.

A chemical imbalance cannot be corrected without medication; and medication if taken/given appropriately is not harmful.

However, please realize that your sons’ ongoing behavior DOES have a poor and lasting effect on other children, and can have lasting effects on himself if this is not addressed.

I have seen this myself.

I also would like to share 2 very different children, but both with different problems than your son’s.

One child, when I met him was 14, and had ADHD…a very severe case. He could not be put on medication due to another physical condition…in his case the meds would have put his life at serious risk. So he was institutionalized as neither he nor anyone else could control his behavior. He had no real understanding of consequences. The only time he behaved was when he was worn out by his misbehavior. Never mind the injury and other problems his behavior caused to staff, other patients, etc.

The other child I remember well, for he was very unusual. In his case no one could set a limit without having to wear a coat of arms. I myself lost half the hair on my head from his otherwise unprovoked attacks. He was not on medication as his behavior seemed to have no known cause, so we were working on solely behavioral modificatoin.

We learned later on that he had an inoperable brain tumor…and medicaiton would not have saved him.

Please learn all you can about your son’s condition and the exact cause (ie chemical, or worst case scenario, a brain tumor). If medication is what it takes, then please consider it very seriously.

God Bless!
 
My appologies if I offended you. But look at the facts from your postings:

You said you fiance spanks (hits) your son and neither of you like it.

AND Congradulation on you baby Girl. I pray you all live a happy live.
God Bless,
Davis
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MommyLeah:
I hate to say this, dhgray, but you are very off base with your reply. My son ADORES my fiance, and my fiance is the kindest, sweetest and most pure of heart man I’ve ever met in my life.

I think you are pre-judging our living arrangements. Since we are not married, we live in separate residences. He lives upstairs with a roomate, I live downstairs. We come together for dinner and to watch tv and have family time together, then my son and I go downstairs to sleep. We are trying to be good Catholics~~we could have taken the financially and emotionally easy way out and lived together, but we didn’t. We are choosing to do the “right thing” after the “wrong thing” that we did, and are anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby girl in November.

I appreciate the fact that you chose to reply and give your advice, but I wish you would have stayed away from generalizing how “bad” of a man my fiance is and how “bad” of a mom I am.

Take Care
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mlchance:
Wow! We’ve got a psychic on these boards!

Quick! Tell me what next Wednesday’s lottery numbers are!

:rolleyes:

– Mark L. Chance.
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Not psychic … it’s expierience.
 
dhgray,
Experience, but not complete foreknowledge. I was that fiance 25 years ago, and I’ve never hit my wife…

Having said that, and understanding her fiance’s intense desire to help, I think they need to talk about parental discipline, and he should wait until he’s officially in the family.
 
good suggestions, especially make sure diagnosis studies physical as well as psychological factors, do not take the school’s word for it that he has ADHD or whatever. I have two grandsons diagnosed ADHD, both have IQs over 140, and behaviors so bizarre they should be locked up. The first when on drug therapy in 2nd grade, the improvement was immediate and dramatic, in all areas of school and home life, and he has said he likes himself much better. From then on he could participate in family therapy and other behavioral treatment that did not good before because they couldn’t get thru to him.

The other boy has been on trials of 3 drugs that have no effect and is still under study for reliable diagnosis. Some alarming physical symptoms have emerged, so please pray for him. Apparently what started out as a birthmark on his head has grown and is affecting the brain and blood supply to the brain. So medication and behavioral therapy are both useless at this point.

If your fiance is helping with parenting and will eventually be the boy’s father, any therapy and treatment plan have to involve all of you, you all have to be part of the process and agree on discipline and all other issues. Get this resolved before you get married or the consequences will be dire for your marriage and for your son.
 
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Flounder:
dhgray,
Experience, but not complete foreknowledge. I was that fiance 25 years ago, and I’ve never hit my wife…

Having said that, and understanding her fiance’s intense desire to help, I think they need to talk about parental discipline, and he should wait until he’s officially in the family.
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I was that man 10 years ago with my own children…never hit my wife, wanted to and would have if I had not become a Christian and learn to control my temper. That said, I agree with you assessment in paragraph 2.

God Bless,
Davis
 
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dhgray:
I was that man 10 years ago with my own children…never hit my wife, wanted to and would have if I had not become a Christian and learn to control my temper. That said, I agree with you assessment in paragraph 2.

God Bless,
Davis
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I would just like to say one thing in relation to this issue.

I am female, btw. Anyway, I believe in spanking, and believe that the general public has been so terrified by abusive parents and legislation that they’re terrified of discipline. Of course, in the case of a disorder I don’t believe spanking is appropriate. Context is everything.

However, one has to meet people where they’re at. If there are other indicators of an abuser: ie controlling behavior, temper, threatening behavior, intimidation, etc, then that needs to be considered.

The fact of the fiancee spanking the child and Mom not approving does not in and of itself indicate an abuser. There are many signs, and she did not give enough information for us to make any kind of judgments or even cautions regarding the potential for real abuse.

We all really need to be careful on these forums that we don’t jump to rash …uh…judgments.
 
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MommyLeah:
Hello all

I have a five year old son who has been tested as gifted academically, but has a “sensory intergration” problem. He started kindergarten this fall, and has been doing a lot of pushing and yelling at peers. My fiance and I do not want to put him on medication, but I’m at the end of my rope. I have tried taking away all priviledges when he has hard days at school, making charts to motivate him…he’ll have a good week, and then two bad days…then three good days, then one bad day, etc. etc. My fiance spanks him when he has hard days, and even though that doesn’t sit well with me, my son has some response to that.

I appreciate any advice given.
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This is not a behavior problem. Your son is bored at school. I will get back to this tomorrow, it is rather late.
 
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