Need Parenting Advice

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MommyLeah,

I used to look down my nose at those with kids who would misbehave or not pay attention at church. My fourth child then arrived, and I learned the hard lesson. She is a real tornado.

I know you were asking for advise on what to do about your child. I don’t know much about the condition, but I do know about parenting. Here is my advice:
Make absolutely sure that you don’t think that you are responsible for all of your child’s problems.
If other parents snub you or treat you poorly because of your child, try your best to understand that they are purely ignorant (I was there).
Take care of yourself. As parents, we can get so involved and worried about our kids that we will forget to eat well, exercise, and pray.

Pray often and know that we will be praying for you. Even though it may feel like it sometimes, you are not alone.

Pax Christi
 

The fact of the fiancee spanking the child and Mom not approving does not in and of itself indicate an abuser​

It certainly is. If the fiancee KNOWS this upsets mom, then he is purposely doing something to make mom uncomfertable. THAT IS ABUSE.
Frankly, a serious boyfriend has no business touching his girlfriend’s child
 
MommyLeah,

Congratulations for having a gifted child! Yours could be the new Einstein. These children can be great sources of joy to a parent who understands giftedness. Many gifted children are misdiagnosed with ADD, and yes some gifted children do have ADD or some other form of learning disability. But almost always, the problems with behavior began when the gifted child’s environment fails to meet his needs at home or at school. The first hurdle you passed as a parent, you got him tested. Many parents do not recognize giftedness and treat their children as if they had a handicap rather than a gift. If you were to research giftedness, most gifted children exhibit the signs of sensory integration problems, but in fact these are signs of what they are, gifted. If you have not done so, do an extensive research on giftedness, you will then recognize, that the signs your child is exhibiting are in fact part of what he is; gifted. You have a great treasure and great potential on your hand but with that you got a great responsibility and an even greater challenge. You must become an advocate for your child, both at school and at home! Our education system caters to the average intellect and in some cases to the mentally or physically challenged, but virtually ignores gifted people. You have many years of negotiation ahead of you with school principals and teachers. You will also have to deal with a fiancé, who uses physical punishment to control your gifted child. Your child has to be thought to control himself, but he must not be controlled with physical force, because it will cause great injury to him. Gifted children are highly sensitive and feel physical and emotional pain exponentially over an average child. Please do not get burdened by what appears, and what is at the moment. Do a serious research on giftedness and get behind your very special child. There are many books on the subject and your best friend could become the local librarian. Then armed with your knowledge and skills on giftedness HELP your gifted child, because nobody else will. These children fall through the cracks at school and at day care like you would not believe! They do become a problem to manage under the hand of ignorant caregivers and educators. God bless!
 
I sit here and shake my head in disbelief at your “advice”, Lilyofthevalley. You are not present in the day to day life at my house. You are not there when my fiance kisses my son’s boo-boos after he falls, who plays lullabyes on the guitar for my son when he can’t sleep, who takes him for a “boys night out” so I can get much needed rest. My fiance does not hit me, does not yell at me, is not disrespectful. If you read my original post, I wasn’t asking for advice on any other subject but for ideas to help my son get over his frustration/aggression problem. Please don’t jump to conclusions with your advice.

Thanks to ALL who are giving me such WONDERFUL relevant advice. I appreciate the kind words and prayers.

I talked with my son’s teacher last night who says that my son is a delight in class 95% of the time, and she made me feel so good with her non-judgmental, wanting to help attitude. People like her, and the others on this forum, make me feel so much better.
 
Mommy Leah, I shake my head in disbelief at a grown woman believes her BOYFRIEND, who she is serious about, has a right to spank her child. A
boyfriend WHO KNOWS mom has a problem with spanking. Get a CLUE mommy leah WAKE up and smell the flowers.
 
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dhgray:
Dear Leah,

Get rid of the guy! He has no right hitting your child. It’s not his child not is he the child’s father or step-father.

Your son may be acting out because of your living arangements.

I know you are pregnant, but is marring the baby’s father worth the physical or mental health of your first son?

Just a question, how many times has your fiance hit you?

And the answer would not be NONE it would be NOT YET.
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Well, I almost started out this badly but I won’t. You obviously don’t understand what a child needs in the way of a father, and if a MAN steps in and takes over the role of FATHER, when no one else will, then bless him.

I am a firm believer in physical discipline, and frankly that is what the brats in today’s world need.

AHHDDHAHHDHAHSHDHDHDHD…blah blah blah… Properly administered and consistent discipline will cure half the disorders that have sprung up since corporal punishment has been taken out of public school, which I believe is a travesty. Children have no consequences for bad behavior today.

My advice is keep up the good work, but most important of all is NEVER give up. Consistency is the key. My six year old knows that when his mommy or I say something, that is LAW. He is one of the most well adjusted, friendliest little boys I have ever met. I get complimented all the time on what a Good Boy he is, and He loves his mommy and I very much.

I met her when she was pregnant too, so I CHOSE my son. I do not discriminate because he is not of my blood, and he loves me to the ends of the earth, and I’m the one he calls Daddy…peace of the Lord be with you
 
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MommyLeah:
I sit here and shake my head in disbelief at your “advice”, Lilyofthevalley. You are not present in the day to day life at my house. You are not there when my fiance kisses my son’s boo-boos after he falls, who plays lullabyes on the guitar for my son when he can’t sleep, who takes him for a “boys night out” so I can get much needed rest. My fiance does not hit me, does not yell at me, is not disrespectful. If you read my original post, I wasn’t asking for advice on any other subject but for ideas to help my son get over his frustration/aggression problem. Please don’t jump to conclusions with your advice.
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MommyLeah, you stick to your guns and do not take the hethen advice of some of these people in here who are anti-loveyourkidenoughtospankthemwhentheyneedit. They are just wrong, and thier children are usually the ones that we don’t let ours hang out with because they are uncontrolled and mean…

I support you and I can relate as you saw in my other response, God Bless you and Yours, and God Bless your Soon-to-be-Husband for Loving your little boy as his own.
 
Lily of the Valley, I believe, with all due respect, that you are the one who needs to “wake up and smell the flowers”. Nothing you have said has been nice, or helpful, or even relevant to the topic.

Like I said before, you have no clue as to what goes on in my home, but I may have gotten a clue from your replies what happens in yours. You seem to be a very controlling, righteous woman, and that is sad.

Thank you again, all who have been supportive, helpful, concerned and empathetic. You are the TRUE Catholics.
 
And to the Garg, thank you. When I met my fiance, I was slow in having my son meet him because of the whole bonding and attachment that happens sometimes. This man has, from the day he has met my son, loved him as his own flesh and blood and has helped me more than I can say. My son’s biological father is not in the picture, and I can’t think of any man worthy of the title of my son’s father than my fiance. It takes a very special man to embrace a child who is not “biologically” his and love him as he would a child with the same blood. It is people like you, and posts like yours, that help me to forget and not care about others’ mean and very un Catholic posts. God bless you!!
 
Just food for thought…

I read somewhere that of all the diagnosis of ADD and ADHD, over 60% were mis-diagnosed. What was found is that these children had highly different communication styles than the rest of us. They weren’t able to sit still and look forward at a teacher and a blackboard without getting extremely bored. This of course was when they acted out. When I was young, I attended a private school and never acted out until I was later placed in a public school. I was so far ahead academically than my classmates, it was rediculous. I was bored, and was definately not going to do the school work they were doing, the same stuff I had done three or four years earlier. Anyway, I was labled as a kid who had an attention problem. There was no such thing as ADD, or ADHD back then. It wasn’t until a teacher actually took the time to find something that challenged my mind that I responded and started to do better. It’s to bad that many of today’s teachers aren’t able to take that time.

So in my opinion here is what happens. A teacher tells a parent their child is not paying attention and acting out in class. The child is disturbing his or her classmates. So without coming out and actually saying it, they give the parent the impression they are thinking the child may need to be looked at by a doctor for potential medication. So the unknowing parent takes the child to the doctor and says they are afraid of something like ADD, or AHDH. So the doctor, says, “Well, we can prescribe something. It if works then we can safely say your child had ADD, or ADHD.” So the child is medicated. The child, now sedated, stops acting out. All is fixed! Isn’t that great? Now I think today’s teachers are up against a lot. And I would not want their job. But I will say this. I pity the teacher who even remotely suggest that one of my children needs to go see a doctor. Stand your ground.
 
I will not presume to offer my own advice in this situation, but I will pass along a Dr. Laura story. She once had a similar situation on her show, and her advice was basically get married to the fiance and formalize his relationship to your son via adoption as soon as possible. Your fiance certainly seems to be committed and loving, and his lack of a legal and formal connection to your son is a source of instability that might be having a subconscious effect on your son. The fact that he is clearly excelling as the de facto Dad makes it all the more awkward when he goes home each night. God bless you for your faith, and I hope you are off to a great marriage!
 
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MommyLeah:
I sit here and shake my head in disbelief at your “advice”, Lilyofthevalley. You are not present in the day to day life at my house. You are not there when my fiance kisses my son’s boo-boos after he falls, who plays lullabyes on the guitar for my son when he can’t sleep, who takes him for a “boys night out” so I can get much needed rest. My fiance does not hit me, does not yell at me, is not disrespectful. If you read my original post, I wasn’t asking for advice on any other subject but for ideas to help my son get over his frustration/aggression problem. Please don’t jump to conclusions with your advice.

Thanks to ALL who are giving me such WONDERFUL relevant advice. I appreciate the kind words and prayers.

I talked with my son’s teacher last night who says that my son is a delight in class 95% of the time, and she made me feel so good with her non-judgmental, wanting to help attitude. People like her, and the others on this forum, make me feel so much better.
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The cycle of abuse does not demand that your fiance is mean all the time. Abuse does not just come out as a full blown giant, it starts small.
Now I do recognize that there are some children who’s brains only seem to be affected by their bottoms but all other things aside its not fair for your fiance to have to disipline your son.
Your fiance sounds like a decent guy, but you still have to be on your guard.
About your son, its cool that he is gifted, he is probably very unchallanged and bored…don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands, kindergaren is not a must but socially for him it may be necessary, work closly with his teacher, even voulenteer in his classroom so that he gets the extra stimulation that he needs.
 
RichT,

Thank you fir your insight! The plight of the gifted child is close to my heart for personal reasons. I bet you were in the gifted category as well, and you must have a higher IQ than the average person. No matter how good your private school was, you could not have been two-three years ahead of your public school classmates without a superior intellect. I hope the OP seriously investigates the gifted issue, because to use drugs to settle down a gifted child would be a real shame. The behavior modification techniques have to be well thought out, because these children are extremely sensitive and have a much keener understanding of right and wrong and empathy than the rest of society. What they have to master is to function in the world of peers with average intellect; they have to learn to fit in without having to choke back their God given gifts. This is as much of a challenge for the gifted child as it is for the slow learner to keep up with the majority.
 
It seems as though a general reminder about charity before posting is in order.

Please edit posts for tone and content before pressing the submit button. If uncharitable posting continues this thread will be closed.

Paul Stephens
Moderator
 
Just my 2 cents…Have you considered your son’s diet and sleep patterns might have an affect on his behavior in class? Since his teacher says he behaves most of the time, I have my doubts about a disorder. I wish I could remember where I read this, but I don’t soooo just take it or leave it, but an article that I read a couple of months ago stated that many of the children diagnosed with adhd/add and other behavioral disorders are likely to be sleep deprived, either through sleep apnea or poor sleep habits.

Also, I wonder about preservatives and other chemicals that we put in our foods. I had a child in my preschool class that was chemically sensitive to certain products and only acted out when he had come into contact with those foods.
Is there any possibility that he is feeling a little displaced in your affection? A new baby coming…a fiance…he’s always been number 1 and it is hard to share…just a thought.
Finally, consistency is the true key. Always keep your word. If you say you will buy, do, or take him somewhere then do so…same with punishments…if you say he can’t have/do/go somewhere don’t cave. Your word must be absolutely 100% trustworthy, he must never doubt your credibility…its a big trust issue. If he knows what to expect…that what mom says will happen does actually happen, he will feel more secure. That said, be careful what you say…you really don’t want to make promises you can’t keep.
Self control is learned. People don’t automatically come into the world controlling themselves…they come in screaming for food and peeing on themselves. Parents teach their children self control and it is a slow process. Its a process of learning to deny instant gratification…whether for food, glittery things, anger (like pushing and hitting). Its a good thing. Its learning to think of how the other guy feels and maybe denying my own wants temporarily for the greater good. With my own kids, I always ask them to think how the other kid feels when they do something bad that hurts or offends. If they can’t tell me, and many times they can’t verbalize the emotion they are feeling or what the other child feels, I tell them so that they do know. Little guys in kindergarten can often have very strong feelings and not enough vocabulary to express them. Help him to recognize what he is feeling and give him an alternative action instead of hitting. Always have him apologize to the other child and help the other child to feel better. Its important to try to make things right.
Be wary of people who want to medicate immediately. Exhaust your options before you medicate…and trust your insincts.
Jen in Ok
 

MommyLeah, you stick to your guns and do not take the hethen advice of some of these people in here who are anti-loveyourkidenoughtospankthemwhentheyneedit. They are just wrong, and thier children are usually the ones that we don’t let ours hang out with because they are uncontrolled and mean…​

Uh excuse me, I spank my child, the big difference is, I am their mother and would not let a boyfriend touch my children. Especially if the said boyfriend KNEW I had issues with him spanking the child. Again allowing a BOYFRIEND to spank your child is a chaotic thing to do. I don’t care if he were a knight in shining armor or the president, until the said man adopts the boy it’s NOT his place to spank the child.​

Lastly, Momma Leah, I will not tell you what you WANT to hear, and frankly you want to hear is what you are allowing is okay. Well, it’s not.
Lastly, this is a non medication approach to ADD and ADHD.
nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/news/fullstory_19790.html
 
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