Don’t you see I AM helping him, by taking care of the children every day, preparing all meals, cleaning, grocery shopping, running errands, taking kids to all appts., to school and back every day, and ect., etc.? Why does everyone assume it’s not helping just because I don’t take on an outside job? That help is only valued monetary terms? This I do not understand.
Gardenia, do you think those of us who work contract this stuff out to others? I’ve been a single mom for more years than I can count, doing this while holding down one, two, and even three different jobs to make ends meet.
And yes, it’s because I was young, stupid, in love and didn’t really understand the undercurrents of his personality that would soon leave me fending for myself. I understand more than you know the boat you’re in.
And you have indicated a bigger piece of the puzzle. You grew up in financial luxury. (Compared to me… one of several children with a one-income family. Any extras we had, we had to earn ourselves. But due to that, I knew I could handle not getting everything I wanted. Heck, I didn’t even get them when I was married. He was an expert at ignoring anniversaries and birthdays also.)
Your life has taken a different course. If you want luxuries, you’ll have to earn them. It can be done. Don’t panic. And maybe the good thing that will come out of this will be your sons won’t get everything they want. So when they grow up, they won’t be used to sponging off their parents, and they’ll be hungry. Lots of teens aren’t hungry. They’re given everything they need and more. They have no incentive to get a good education and get a good job. They become lazy and spoiled. And they never grow up.
Maybe growing up like this will be the perfect incentive for your sons to do better. And maybe your husband’s parents are giving the money out of a sense of guilt that somehow they failed to instill any ambition in him. But that’s who he is, and that’s the man you married. If he is a good parent and husband otherwise, then ask the Blessed Mother, who lived in poverty herself, how to accept this for the spiritual betterment of your children.
You can see it as having “no extras.” Or you can see it as “simplifying and focusing on the essentials.” Life is how you view it. Glass half full or half empty?
It’s your choice. And how you view it will determine whether you are happy and at peace, or absolutely miserable.
And let’s be real. You grew up with everything. You had a high-flying career. But deep down, if that had really satisfied you, you would not have quit.
So you have embraced a down-scaled life. So don’t complain about it. It may be your kids’ spiritual salvation.
Instead of telling your husband how much he sucks because he doesn’t earn as much as your father, (which is basically what you are doing) have a conversation with him. Have you asked him how he feels not being able to provide everything? Have you asked him how much it may hurt to have to go begging for the mortgage from his parents and feel like a kid asking for his allowance?
How about saying this for a change:
I love you. Thank you for the kind man you are. Thank you for the hard work you do and the things you do provide. We are still having financial difficulties. How do you view this? What solutions do you see for this? Then LISTEN.
You might find out something you didn’t know before.
And I’m sure by now you know all the stores that sell stuff cheap, you cut coupons, you combine trips to save gas, you make your sons mow lawns and work shovelling snow or something for their money for things they want. And let me tell you, family unity is way more precious than anything you could own. If you don’t have that, it doesn’t matter how much money you have.
When your sons describe their childhood, do you want them to say “We didn’t have much money, but we were happy.” Or do you want them to say “Mom rode dad like a broken mule because he didn’t earn enough.” Or “We were poor and mom never let us forget it.”
Read Ronald Reagan’s description of his childhood. His dad was an alcoholic. His mom basically had to see to it that he and his brother had what they needed. He said “We were poor, but I didn’t know it then.” He credits his mom with how he turned out with his sunny optimistic outlook.
What you give your kids in their ability to handle life and their optimism or pessimism is far more important than anything you can buy. And you may have to lead by example here. If their father won’t set an example in industriousness, you need to show them.
And that will be in addition to all the other stuff you have to do. And like many of us already know, we don’t have a choice. Failure is not an option.
Good luck!
Please pray for me if you will.
Kind of like Joan of Arc. Grab that sword and take that hill! Failure is not an option!
) than him being inconsiderate or uncaring.