Need prayers and help giving loving support to a friend in infidelity troubles

[Skwrl]

long sigh I need lots of prayers on this one, and a good anonymous place to vent.

My best friend is engaged to be married at the end of this year. She has been elated, and their wedding plans are well underway, though she has yet to buy her dress. Both she and her fiance are great friends of mine from college. I’m set to be a bridesmaid. But now I’m the designated shoulder to cry on after she discovered that her fiance has been exchanging erotic texts, photos, and emails with multiple women over the course of multiple years during their relationship.

My friend, though raised Catholic and planning a Catholic wedding, has been sexually active with her boyfriend/fiance and is now living with him, as is unfortunately common these days. (She knows where I stand on the whole thing and we’ve had debates/arguments about it in the past.) But what this amounts to is that she quite consciously already considers herself married to him. She’s already built her life around him. Which makes it horrendously difficult for her to even entertain the idea of breaking off the relationship, nevermind the fact that they’ve made down payments on the wedding plans.

It was heartbreaking to listen to her talk, simultaneously trying to rationalize or trivialize his behavior while knowing full well that “he never actually had sex with them” or “he’s been going through so many family problems” are no excuse whatsoever.

He’s a repeat offender on this front, when a few years back where he was found out and vowed ‘never again’ with what of course seemed to be the most sincere remorse. And a completely separate incident that may reveal he has abusive tendencies in him - I told her to step away from the relationship at least temporarily back then and I should’ve been more forceful about that advice… but I guess I’m also blinded by my friendship with the guy. So this time I’m determined to hold my ground as a voice of reason.

So I tell her he’s obviously not ready to get married at this point in time, regardless of how much he loves her. I tell her that as hard as it may be, she should cancel or postpone. That loving him doesn’t require her to put up with his baggage. That real love cares about what’s best for him, and that what’s best for him may be to accept the consequences of his actions so that he can start turning around and healing, and not allowing him to make a vow he’s not ready to keep. That there’s still hope in the future that he can get his act together and then, only then, should they put marriage back on the table.

She doesn’t like this idea one bit. She loves him so much, she can’t imagine living without him, she’s determined to make it work. After all, she says, if an already married couple had an infidelity issue arise, wouldn’t it be good for them to try and work it out? She considers herself already married, and she doesn’t believe in divorce.

I stand by what I said, but man is it hard in the face of so much flippin’ emotions.

So yeah… She’s looking up counselors now, and I told her they should talk to the priest they’ve been going to for pre-cana. Your prayers would be appreciated.

…

Should I still agree to be a bridesmaid after this? o_0

 

[tawny]

Praying to the Holy Spirit to give your friend guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in her time of need.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

long sigh I need lots of prayers on this one, and a good anonymous place to vent.

My best friend is engaged to be married at the end of this year. She has been elated, and their wedding plans are well underway, though she has yet to buy her dress. Both she and her fiance are great friends of mine from college. I’m set to be a bridesmaid. But now I’m the designated shoulder to cry on after she discovered that her fiance has been exchanging erotic texts, photos, and emails with multiple women over the course of multiple years during their relationship.

My friend, though raised Catholic and planning a Catholic wedding, has been sexually active with her boyfriend/fiance and is now living with him, as is unfortunately common these days. (She knows where I stand on the whole thing and we’ve had debates/arguments about it in the past.) But what this amounts to is that she quite consciously already considers herself married to him. She’s already built her life around him. Which makes it horrendously difficult for her to even entertain the idea of breaking off the relationship, nevermind the fact that they’ve made down payments on the wedding plans.

It was heartbreaking to listen to her talk, simultaneously trying to rationalize or trivialize his behavior while knowing full well that “he never actually had sex with them” or “he’s been going through so many family problems” are no excuse whatsoever.

He’s a repeat offender on this front, when a few years back where he was found out and vowed ‘never again’ with what of course seemed to be the most sincere remorse. And a completely separate incident that may reveal he has abusive tendencies in him - I told her to step away from the relationship at least temporarily back then and I should’ve been more forceful about that advice… but I guess I’m also blinded by my friendship with the guy. So this time I’m determined to hold my ground as a voice of reason.

So I tell her he’s obviously not ready to get married at this point in time, regardless of how much he loves her. I tell her that as hard as it may be, she should cancel or postpone. That loving him doesn’t require her to put up with his baggage. That real love cares about what’s best for him, and that what’s best for him may be to accept the consequences of his actions so that he can start turning around and healing, and not allowing him to make a vow he’s not ready to keep. That there’s still hope in the future that he can get his act together and then, only then, should they put marriage back on the table.

She doesn’t like this idea one bit. She loves him so much, she can’t imagine living without him, she’s determined to make it work. After all, she says, if an already married couple had an infidelity issue arise, wouldn’t it be good for them to try and work it out? She considers herself already married, and she doesn’t believe in divorce.

I stand by what I said, but man is it hard in the face of so much flippin’ emotions.

So yeah… She’s looking up counselors now, and I told her they should talk to the priest they’ve been going to for pre-cana. Your prayers would be appreciated.

…

Should I still agree to be a bridesmaid after this? o_0

If it were me, no. I’d tell her straight up I could not be her bridesmaid under the circumstances. If I were to become her bridesmaid it would mean (in front of the altar of God and the people there) that I approve, which also would mean that I accept this man who is to now ‘officially’ become her husband’- his infidelity problem… Do you really think he’s going to change just because he is married? Even if HE thinks he could, its most likely that he will not as he’s already shown he has no respect for your friend at all. He is using her. He will continue to use her. I would not want that on my conscience.

I lost a good friend because I told her something she did not want to hear and it was similar to this- Everything I warned her about happened to her and she’s been suffering for it. That hurts me more to see her suffer now, than loosing her friendship.

EDIT: Can’t believe I forgot to mention that my friend’s SON is suffering in all this too- Think about the children.

OH and you think there are heavy emotions now? No… trust me, it will be worse for her later.

 

[Kay_Cee]

My father–who turned out to be a pretty wise man–once said that people are on their good behavior before they get married. After all, once you’re married, leaving is far more difficult.

In other words, this cheating is your friend’s fiance’s “good” behavior. It will only get worse if they marry.

I would as politely as possible step out of being a bridesmaid. Tell your friend you love her far too much to see her tied to a man who causes her so much pain.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Not to excuse his boorish, wholely unmasculine behavior with their living arrangements, but it sadly should come as no surprise when we willfully veer off of the path God has dictated for us, but then expect limits from those who share our wayward path. When our moral compass is broken, it generally spins in any direction we desire. Rarely does a broken compass only swing 40 degrees or so off of true north.

The worst break up is still better than the best divorce. I would not entertain marriage with this man. Bad habits are hard to break in the best of stress-free circumstances. Marriage does not make this easier; on the contrary. And this is not just a “bad habit.” This is as serious as serious can get.

 

[Sugabee43]

All advice is good. Maybe your sitting down with her (possibly BOTH, since you say he’s a good friend of yours, also??) and letting them know that you cannot be a bridesmaid in a wedding you know is already rife with “infidelity” will wake her (or them) up enough to postpone the wedding and seek real counseling to determine if the relationship is worth saving. Like a previous poster said, it’s better to find out about this and deal with it and possibly have to break it off ahead of time, than spend a lifetime regretting that you married someone whose priorities are not the same as yours. I speak from firsthand experience. I didn’t have any warning signs like your friend does, but I still regret it.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

… And this is not just a “bad habit.” This is as serious as serious can get.

Yeah, that’s just the thing that I can’t understand when people look past this type of thing. Why are you getting married if he or she (the cheating partner) is seeing others behind your back? Doesn’t it make the whole ‘marriage’ thing a total lie? Why do it then? If you decide to do it, its either for the big expensive party, societal recognition or a piece of paper that says you now have legal rights shared with this person.

Plus, living together and doing all the things married couples do… what excitement have you actually left for the marriage part? It becomes totally obsolete and meaningless so what special thing is actually going to happen afterwards? nothing… except for the expensive big party, societal recognition and shared legal rights. (sarcasm) yay, how exciting. (sarcasm) Slide right into "marriage’ and slide right out of it too… except there is no big expensive divorce party, just the expense of more paperwork to fill out and the horrible emotions that go along with the societal recognition that your marriage failed.

 

[LongingSoul]

If you’ve already agreed to be bridesmaid for her, I think you’ll have to suck it up and go through with it. It’s not an endorsement of his behaviour as much as an act of friendship for your friend.

All the same I would put forward all the aspects that might be at play here for her to think about. She needs to feel a real option to end the relationship and that means being aware that living together presents practical obstacles but those shouldn’t influence her to stay put. Sleeping together has already created a bond excerpting unwarranted commitment but that shouldn’t influence her to stay either.

I’m glad she is ringing a counsellor. Encourage her to make full use of that resource.

 

[UbiCaritas]

It sounds like you’ve already said what needs to be said. What a ghastly situation.

I have only this to add: sometimes in situations like this, the wronged party feels like they “have” to go through with the wedding because so much of the structure is in place, plus they’re already living together, etc. If you’re in a position to make the offer, you might consider saying something to your friend like, “Look, you know where I stand on Sam’s behavior and on your marrying him, so I won’t go into details on that right now. Just know that if you change your mind, you’re welcome to live with me for X amount of time if that’s the only thing keeping you there.”

Sometimes having a firm answer to “but if I break up with him, where will I go? What will I do?” is a catalyst to following through on an urge to leave a bad situation. Of course, there are plenty out there who won’t leave anyway–and if she does go through with the wedding, I suggest you document everything she’s told you so that if an annulment comes up down the road, you can hand her the documentation of “on date, you called and said that he’d been sexting with Mary Smith,” for example, in order to establish a history of unfaithfulness.

 

[AnneElizabeth]

…

She doesn’t like this idea one bit. She loves him so much, she can’t imagine living without him, she’s determined to make it work. After all, she says, if an already married couple had an infidelity issue arise, wouldn’t it be good for them to try and work it out? She considers herself already married, and she doesn’t believe in divorce.
…

She’s determined to make it work?.. please tell her congratulations… it is “working”! Its working when she decides to look the other way… that’s how it works and will continue working right up until he decides she’s not doing it for him anymore and leaves, or that other lady is pregnant with his baby and because of it gets into legal trouble, or he brings home an std and gives it to her… that’s how its going to work (and that’s just with HIM… think about what can happen to the children of such a union when they see this behavior, or daddy decides to leave them all for that new exciting chic he met online).

She says she loves him so much. That I’m sure is true because only love puts up with so much “diaper dirt” -if you catch my rancid drift there. And yes, I’m implying he’s a baby that lets his fiance wipe and change him- oh and tell her not to worry, he’ll make more ‘dirt’ for her so that she can practice ‘loving him’ and “making it work”… since she’s so in love with him and wants to be with him. He won’t mind a bit!! :ballspin: :christmastree1: :tanning: :dancing: :heaven: In fact, he’ll be downright delighted to make more poo poo for her to clean up. Is this what she wants? For a whole lifetime? She seems to have it in mind he wants to stop or will eventually stop? Why does she think this way where there hasn’t been the evidence that he stops for long?

I’m SO SORRY to be so harsh sounding, but because she’s got the bonding chemicals going since living with this man for so long and already playing house and pretend marriage, she’s got to hear what its going to be like for her in the future (and honestly I put it in a funny and nice way compared to the nightmare this could turn out to be). Its the harsh reality.

Women will take a lot and put up with a lot… I believe we do this because its necessary to raise CHILDREN and that takes a lot of love to raise them… but a woman (or a man) should not put up with having to parent her spouse- that just makes things a lot more difficult in the long run. Any guy that is like this is using. He does not actually love her. He only is loving himself. He doesn’t take it seriously. And as the other poster put it, it will get worse after marriage.

Please, if you love your friend pull out of the wedding and talk with her.

What would you do if it were you… how would you want someone to handle all this for you?

 

[Anglewannabe]

My friend, though raised Catholic and planning a Catholic wedding, has been sexually active with her boyfriend/fiance and is now living with him, as is unfortunately common these days. (She knows where I stand on the whole thing and we’ve had debates/arguments about it in the past.)

Odd that she would cry on your shoulder when you never supported her decision in the past Honestly, if she hasn’t listened to you before, don’t expect her to listen now.

but I guess I’m also blinded by my friendship with the guy.

If you are sure this isn’t gossip and he really does cheat, why would you consider him a friend? I would plainly refuse to ever be in the same room as him ever again. You deserve better

That there’s still hope in the future that he can get his act together and then, only then, should they put marriage back on the table.

Why give such advice ? They are not married so there is no need to strive for a reconciliation. You are just fuelling her hope he will change

She considers herself already married, and she doesn’t believe in divorce.

That is her pathetic attempt to rationalize. She needs to take the blinders off

I stand by what I said, but man is it hard in the face of so much flippin’ emotions.

Should I still agree to be a bridesmaid after this? o_0

Nope. I would even go so far as to say you should pull away from the friendship. I know from experience being the ‘good friend with a shoulder to cry on’ will just end up biting you in the behind. Once she is fed up with the abuse and needs someone to take it out on (since she clearly is not leaving) she will turn on you and be emotionally abusive to you.

I would simply tell her 'Cindy, I am your friend, but if you can’t love yourself you obviously will never love me. Call me when you need help to make a firm commitment to leave him. ’

Honestly, the longer you stay intertwined in this mess, the worse it will be for you

Angie

 

[Skwrl]

Thanks for all of your prayers and support. I suppose I just needed some affirmation that my reaction to all this was warranted and good. It will help me have strength to stand my ground when my friend begs me to “support her decision.”

I would like to respond to one thing though, if I may…

If you are sure this isn’t gossip and he really does cheat, why would you consider him a friend? I would plainly refuse to ever be in the same room as him ever again. You deserve better

Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? If one of your good friends came to you in tears one day and said “I did something terrible, I’ve been cheating on my fiance, my life’s seriously messed up now and I feel so guilty, I want to fix this, what do I do?” would your reaction be “get out of my house I never want to see you again you terrible person”? That doesn’t really sound like the spirit of Christian charity.

 

[Maximilan_Kolbe]

Thanks for all of your prayers and support. I suppose I just needed some affirmation that my reaction to all this was warranted and good. It will help me have strength to stand my ground when my friend begs me to “support her decision.”

I would like to respond to one thing though, if I may…

Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? If one of your good friends came to you in tears one day and said “I did something terrible, I’ve been cheating on my fiance, my life’s seriously messed up now and I feel so guilty, I want to fix this, what do I do?” would your reaction be “get out of my house I never want to see you again you terrible person”? That doesn’t really sound like the spirit of Christian charity.

Is that what he said though? Just curious.

We often say a lot of things when we get caught.

 

[CthgeDelendaEst]

It sounds like your girlfriend likes drama. I hope you do too, because his behavior is unlikely to change and so you will be hearing stories about his dalliances (real or imagined) for many years to come.

Be in the wedding if you must, but I would make it clear to her (as charitably as possible, but firmly) that knowing what she knows, if she chooses to marry him anyway you will not be the dumping ground for her marriage problems. That topic will forever be off limits. Good luck.

 

[mdleagedguy]

Skwrl, your friend is falling victim to the sunk costs fallacy. This is where prior investments in money, time, or emotions, are used as a justification for further investment in the face of obvious failure. In business, it happens when people don’t want to lose their investment, so they continue to pour additional money into a failing business and they lose that as well. The initial investment was already lost, and there was no point in throwing away additional money. Your friend is doing the same thing on an emotional level. She has already invested much of her life and some of her finances into this, and doesn’t want to lose her investment. So she continues to invest more of herself, and this additional investment will eventually be lost as well. At some point, it is necessary to recognize that the investment in the other person has failed, and what has been given up can never be recovered. It is a mistake to continue. Marrying this guy will be a huge mistake. It’s best that she cap her losses. You are right to point out your concerns. It is admirable that you are acting as a true friend to her, even though it involves difficulty for yourself. She deserves better than this guy. You are a blessing to her for pointing this out, even if she can’t see it through the cloud of emotions that takes over when this sort of thing happens.

 

[Skwrl]

Is that what he said though? Just curious.

We often say a lot of things when we get caught.

Not word for word, of course, but it’s what he’s expressed. And he’s done things like 1) taking the initiative in recommending that they see a counselor together plus a therapist for himself and 2) firmly saying no when my friend called him in the middle of the night begging him to come back (she kicked him out of the apartment).

Of course I’m quite wary this could all be insincere and temporary, which is why I gave the advice that I did. Whether or not he means what he says is hardly something to gamble my friend’s life on in light of the evidence.

Thank you for all the responses everyone.