Need relationship Advice...Please help

[marinaio]

I’ve been reading these forums for a while but this is the first time I’ve decided to write on one. I’m new at writing these so forgive me if this isn’t in the right format or if I ramble on.
My girlfriend & I met freshmen year of college & it was love at first sight. We dated all through college & were completely inseparable. She lived w/ her parents & I had practically moved in with them, in my own room of course. I loved spending time with her, we even worked together. As far as church & God were concerned I worked every free minute & over the course of college began to slip away from my relationship I once had with God.
As soon as senior year hit I became a different person. I was graduating soon, every career plan I thought I’d be doing fell through. I felt as though I had no direction, no identity. I felt as though my girlfriend caused me to lose a lot of my life & I blamed her. I felt like I was a lost soul with no idea where to go, what to do, I was searching for something & I didn’t know what it was. It frustrated me & I began to change, become different, distant. She noticed this change in me, & instead of talking about it I ran. We had plans to get married and be together forever, she was the love of my life, but instead of talking to her about what I was going through I broke up with her & ran away from the greatest love of my life. She, as perfect as she is, wouldn’t give up on me. She continued to talk to me, love me, & be there for me no matter how much I pushed her away she wouldn’t give up on me. Without going into all the details of what I went through I really became a different person. While I never did drugs, I began to drink (heavily), lie, & just in general lose a sense of who I was. Through it all she never gave up on me. The end of the summer after graduation things came to a head. Again without going through all the details let’s just say her & some of my friends more or less staged an intervention of sorts & I was forced to face my problems instead of running or hiding from them.
After that things were rocky between her & me. We remained friends but both were dating other people & seeing less and less of each other. I was still struggling to find out who I was, but her & I were doing ok & adjusting to being friends. Last summer when we were both not seeing anyone we spent a lot of time together. It was like we were dating again & working on things with us. But she thought I still needed to change I was still missing something in my life & until I found it we wouldn’t work. Then she started dating this, for lack of a better word, jerk. They’ve been dating since Sept & in Nov moved in together. Every time I see her she tells me how happy they are & how they’re going to get married but every time I see the two of them together he belittles her. I see pain in her face, she’s not happy I can tell. Her words say 1 thing but her eyes are telling me something different. She’s exhausted running everywhere for him, he treats her like a slave, & she’s working 80 hour weeks. Everything she does he yells at her. I’ve only spent time with the 2 of them a handful of times, but each time it just gets worse & worse.
As far as I go after 2 years I’m finally starting to get back on track. About 2 months ago I was wondering what to do next & I felt this pull calling me back to God & church. At first I kind of pushed it aside, but it only got stronger. After a few days I started praying again, asking God to guide me in what he wanted me to do. At the end of the week I went to confession & told the Priest all of my sins over the last 6 years. I began to pray every day & said the rosary asking God to help me guide me. Slowly over the course of the last 2 months, with God’s help I’ve become my old self again. I have God in my life & his guidance is what I was missing.
Realizing that I hurt others besides her I went to her parent’s house & apologized to them for how I acted towards their daughter. I explained to them what I was going through at the time & how it took me this long to get back on track. Her family is like a 2nd family & forgave me.
The last month or so of praying I’ve been searching my heart & I’ve realized that I’m still madly in love with my ex. That feeling never left me. I pray to God about it & each day the feeling only gets stronger & I miss her more. I’ve talked to her mother about how I feel & she encourages me to keep praying & be patient. They don’t care for the guy she’s currently dating & would greatly disapprove if they were to get married & they aren’t too thrilled with the fact they’re living together. They see how he treats her & want nothing more than for her to realize that & leave him. However, both of her parents have told me to let it be for now because she has to learn on her own. If you say or do anything she’ll rebel against what others want her to do. She’s stubborn & I love her for it.
She’s the greatest love I will ever have. It took me going through everything the last few years to realize that & fully appreciate her. I miss her every day & want nothing more than to be back with her. I would do anything for her; I just want her to see how he treats her & how she can do so much better than him. I know I’ll have a lot of work to do to get back on her good graces & to a point where she can trust me again I’m willing to do it.
My question is should I tell her how I feel? Or should I listen to her mom & just be patient? I have faith in God that he has a plan &God will do what is right for me but I’m an impatient person by nature. I find out that I want something I want it right then. Perhaps this is God’s way of teaching me patience? I’m not sure all I know is I love her & every time I see her I want to tell her I’m still in love with her. Perhaps someone out there can give me some advice on what to do?
Sorry this is such a long post thanks for reading God Bless

 

[iluvmybabies]

Dear marinaio, so sorry to hear about what you are going through…I know life gives you challenges and some are worst than others, believe me…I am so happy that you have returned to the Lord and are living well…GOD bless! I know young love is wonderful and yours seemed to be so great…I am sorry you had to go through what you did to realize what you have…BUT I think you need to listen to your friend’s mother’s advice and just pray for her so that GOD may enlighten her and she may choose what’s best for her…

And think about it, the more well you are and do the more she may realize what she’s missing and let go of the person she’s with and might give you another chance…

It isn’t fair that she was there for you all that time and you were not, well now she needs her time…So give her the space she needs and wants and hopefully GOD will guide her and help her make the right choice…Keep talking to her and give her advise and support because that’s what friends do…Shower he with the love she always gave you and that might be just what she needs…

Good luck, GOD bless.

 

[Felicity_in_TX]

First of all, your post really touched my heart. I’m sorry that you’re hurting so badly, but it is wonderful that you’ve turned your life around and come back to the Church!

My advice to you would be to openly and honestly tell her how you feel. Maybe write a letter? Include a sincere apology for everything you put her through and a heartfelt thank-you for the way she loved and supported you. Even if you’ve told her those things before, I am sure she needs to hear them again. Then you can tell her that you would very much like another chance with her - that you realize what a huge risk she’d be taking and that you’re willing to do whatever it takes to earn her trust again. Obviously, you shouldn’t say these things unless you really mean them because she might call your bluff so to speak and it would be devestating to her if you find that you’re not totally committed to proving yourself to her. So think long and hard about how far you’re willing to go.

What I think you should definitely avoid is any commentary on her current relationship. Speaking as some one who has been treated very badly by a boyfriend in the past; until a person comes to terms with that on their own it just angers them to have it pointed out by other people. She says she loves him and despite the way he treats her, she probably really does. If you criticize him, you risk making her defensive and she’ll run right back to him.

After you’ve communicated your feelings to her in one way or another, I think it would be best to give her some space and time to consider everything - just let her know that you’ll be patiently waiting. And then wait and pray. I think that’s all you can do.

Good luck! I’ll say a prayer for you…

 

[withwind]

Slowly over the course of the last 2 months, with God’s help I’ve become my old self again.

I am sorry I am not expert in this myself, but I tried to give it a shot of what I thought. See the sentence which I quoted from your post. You said with God’s help you had become your old self. How do you see your “old self”? Would you think your ex-girlfriend also see your “old self” and how she would like that?

I think right now, it is time for you alone to grow and reflect on your old-self and see your strength and weakness and work on those. In the past 2 months, I think you have only started to turn your life around toward God - knowing one old self is a life-long process.

Your past relationship with your ex - you lived at her parents’ house - even if you had your own room, I think by now you might know it was a bad decision. Currently, she moves in with her current b/f - that is even worse. What I am trying to say is that, your most important relationship that you need to work on is between you and God. While doing that pray for her that she may recognize what she is doing…and maybe God will use your example for her to follow.

Don’t start telling her what you feel about her yet … if you want to tell her something important, in my humble opinion, tell her what you feel about you and God.

God bless.

 

[marinaio]

Thank you all for the advice, various opinions and thoughts about the whole situation are helpful.

iluvmybabies-I absolutely agree that now she needs her time. I’m just going to be there for her when she needs me and that’s all I can do until she figures this all out. It could be a month from now could be a year, but no matter what I’ll always be there when she needs me.

Felicity in TX- I did write her a letter basically a 7 page apology letter listing everything I was sorry for and what I will do to make myself a better person. I have it sealed in an envelope, I think i’m waiting to give it to her till she breaks up with him, or if she gets engaged. This way at least she knows. It doesn’t say that I’m still in love with her, but I think on some level she already knows. I look at her like the world stops when she’s in front of me. I agree about not saying anything about her current bf. I’ve never said anything to her about him to begin with, except that she deserves better. But I know her so well and know that if I say anything she’ll just try to prove me wrong.

withwind-I agree that I still need more time to grow in my relationship with God. it has only been two months that’s not that long after such a long absence from the church. It’s just I feel this strong push whenever I pray that’s leading me to her. I’m working on myself, and I know it’ll be a long process, but I also know that I’m meant to be with her.

I did go see her parents again last night to help her father out with opening their pool and they simply offered me the same advice and guidance they’ve been giving me just be patient. She’ll eventually realize she always does. And worst case they assured me they won’t be paying for a wedding.

 

[TAllan]

First of all, let me welcome you back. One of my favorite priests once referred to this phenomena as our vacation from God. It is very common among young adults as they begin to spread their wings. I did this also.

Regardless, keep working on yourself and your relationship with the Lord. As for the lady problem, I’m torn. On the one hand I see the point that her parents, and others that have posted, to let her come to her own conclusion. When somebody thinks that they are in love, however, they can do some incredibly stupid things, for instance staying with somebody that is abusive.

I see nothing wrong with making your intentions known to her. I’m not saying that you have to bonk her on the head with a club and drag her to your cave. However, letting her know where you stand on your relationship with God, the changes that you have made and are making, and an appreciation for not giving up on you. That may cause her to make the decision.

How does that go, God helps those that help themselves?

 

[marinaio]

Now i’m just feeling more and more frustrated with the whole situation. I spent pretty much the entire weekend working with her. She’s now the manager at a country club where we both used the work and asked me to help out for the weekend for a huge weekend long event. Naturally I jumped on the chance because I knew it’d be more time I’d get to spend with her that I normally wouldn’t. However, now after spending all that time with her now I just miss her more.
It was such a nice weekend even though we were both working like crazy and for the most part in different areas, it was still nice to just see her. The frustration comes into play whenever her boyfriend would go off on her (via txt message). On Saturday we worked until about 2:30am then we sat and chatted with another manager until almost 5 am, so by the time she got home it was after 5. The next day I got there about 4pm and she proceeded to tell me that they got into a huge fight when she got home because of how late it was. He accused her of cheating on him (except using language much worse than that), and was flipping out at her for working so many hours. I didn’t make any comments about him to her, I just sat there and listened to her vent and said I was really sorry she had to go through that. And that night she was supposed to leave fairly early and we didn’t end up getting out of there until after 10pm. The whole time he was sending her text message after text message just going off on her about not being home. I could see it in her face that she was so stressed out and had to get home just to stop him from yelling at her.
It absolutely kills me to see her like that. I’m so in love with her and just want nothing more than to protect her. Still as much as I love her I just don’t say anything to her about him or anything else. I just sit there and listen as she vents. I can tell she’s burnt out and getting frustrated with everything because as soon as I saw her Saturday morning she just starting going off about everything and everyone. She vented to me about her job for the better part of an hour. It’s like she has no outlet to get all of this off her chest, because her boyfriend is not supportive of her or her job. I told her she’s more than welcome to call me anytime just to vent about anything if she’d like, and that I’ll always be here for her. But at the same time it just kills me that he just makes life more difficult for her.
So now I’m frustrated with the whole situation because of the things she said to me, and also because of what someone we both worked with in the past, who still works there, told me about her boyfriend. How every time they go out as a group he goes off on her, or belittles her in front of everyone. I’m just so frustrated because she can’t or doesn’t want to see it. I know I could and would be so much better for her, I love her so much.
There does seem to be a small amount of hope coming through though. Before she left Saturday (well really early Sunday morning) she said something about going home to see her boyfriend who’s probably drunk, and the next day she told me she was getting frustrated with him a few times. So it does seem to be a little bit of hope coming through, however I just don’t want to get my hopes up to high. So I’ll continue to pray to God for her to continue to see what’s happening, but at the same time I’m becoming so frustrated with everything that’s going on. Anyone have any words of wisdom to help with the frustration?