W
wendy03
Guest
My boyfriend and I have been together for a couple of months and have been discerning marriage. We belong in the same church group, which is where we met. My problem is how jealous he is, and I can’t talk to anybody about this because before he requested that we not discuss our relationship problems with other people, that we’ll just sort it out among ourselves. But every time I open up for some reason things lead to arguments no matter how hard we try to control our emotions, and then I end up feeling like I didn’t really say what I meant to say and things just remain unresolved (at least on my end because I just say “yes” to whatever he says just so we won’t fight anymore, even though I don’t agree with it). Due to this the problems still linger in my head and I can’t consult with anybody. I figured maybe I’ll just post here anonymously.
He seemed like the perfect guy for me, as we have so many things in common and we enjoy each other’s company. We love being with each other. He’s my first boyfriend because I didn’t want to enter into a relationship wherein I didn’t see myself married to the guy. He’s the first one that I felt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We pray each night together, always asking God to be in the center of our relationship. He did admit in the past that his weakness is jealousy. And the more we get attached to each other, the more jealous he gets.
So belong to the same church group. He has been imposing rules on me and the latest is that I not only have short conversations with other guys from the church group, but that I avoid them as much as possible. Like I can’t linger in an area where there are guys around. And you know how when you grow up in a church group that you become friends with the people there? So these guys have been my friends and now I feel like I have to end friendships because I can’t talk to them that much when they approach to have a conversation. Also, another new rule of his is that I can’t go out to dinner or a concert with my girl friends if there is even one guy in the group. Because it will seem like we are all this guy’s girls. And a few months back he said I can’t hitch a ride with any guy, even with those older that I consider an uncle or a second parent.
I find these things ridiculous and he said I don’t understand because I am not a man. I don’t understand how men think but he does. I have been in this church group with my family for over 20 years, been around males and females there and I haven’t had any guys take advantage of me. I treat everyone like brothers and sisters. His thinking is that I can’t treat the guys the same, that I can’t trust guys because their brains work differently and they’re not as wholesome as us girls. He considers priests in the same category (because they are still human), as well as male & female homosexuals.
I admit that I am also a jealous person, even with family members and friends. Like small things like my parents favoring their grandchildren over me, which is understandable because they’re so innocent and adorable, but still I get those jealous feelings. Or if a friend doesn’t invite me to an activity yet invited my other friends. Very immature of me, I know. But my boyfriend’s level of jealousy, I never thought I’d encounter in my life. And I’m one who has never had a relationship before him so I don’t even have a past love to be jealous about. The rules that he imposed on me, I said those should be imposed on himself too. I didn’t say that it was because I was jealous too, because that’s not the reason. It’s more of so he can feel the discomfort that I feel whenever we’re in a group. I’m always afraid of any guy that comes up to say hello or just hanging around minding his own business but is a few feet away from me. It’s like I’m living in fear now.
We talked about compromise in our relationship, meeting halfway. Apparently his halfway mark was me having short conversations with guys. Meaning if he had his way, I wouldn’t be talking to any guy at all.
I told him that I wanted to support him as he works through his weaknesses (like jealousy). But saying yes to him all the time (oh he loves the part in the bible about the wife being obedient to the husband), I feel like I’m supporting the actual weakness. And it doesn’t feel right for me because that’s not how I grew up. I grew up in a community setting where we treated each other like brothers and sisters. He said it’s not the same in his family. He said his dad is even more jealous than he is. And he’s more of a loner so he doesn’t understand why I value my friendships so much.
Sorry for the long post but I’ve had these things bottled up inside for months, with no one to talk to (I feel iffy about discussing this with a sibling or parent because I don’t want them to have a bad thought about him because what if we get married, then he’ll be a part of my family). I really need advice here. In all other things we are great together and really want to get married and have kids one day, but with his jealous side, that’s one thing that gets me worried about the future of our relationship. I’m afraid at one point in our married life I can’t even go out of the house and interact with people. And right now, how I can effectively serve God if I can’t even deal that much with the men in our church group? It’s like my service has limits now.
If anyone has a bible verse or a Catholic teaching about jealousy in a relationship that I can show him that would be great too. A few days ago we read together Corinthians 13:4-8 because I wanted to remind him that love is not jealous. Both of us have always told each other that we don’t want to lose the other from our own lives so we will always work hard to fix the relationship. Each night when I pray by myself, I always lift up his jealousy and possessiveness. But patience has never been my strongest trait and if I don’t see any improvement in his jealousy, I get frustrated.
He seemed like the perfect guy for me, as we have so many things in common and we enjoy each other’s company. We love being with each other. He’s my first boyfriend because I didn’t want to enter into a relationship wherein I didn’t see myself married to the guy. He’s the first one that I felt I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. We pray each night together, always asking God to be in the center of our relationship. He did admit in the past that his weakness is jealousy. And the more we get attached to each other, the more jealous he gets.
So belong to the same church group. He has been imposing rules on me and the latest is that I not only have short conversations with other guys from the church group, but that I avoid them as much as possible. Like I can’t linger in an area where there are guys around. And you know how when you grow up in a church group that you become friends with the people there? So these guys have been my friends and now I feel like I have to end friendships because I can’t talk to them that much when they approach to have a conversation. Also, another new rule of his is that I can’t go out to dinner or a concert with my girl friends if there is even one guy in the group. Because it will seem like we are all this guy’s girls. And a few months back he said I can’t hitch a ride with any guy, even with those older that I consider an uncle or a second parent.
I find these things ridiculous and he said I don’t understand because I am not a man. I don’t understand how men think but he does. I have been in this church group with my family for over 20 years, been around males and females there and I haven’t had any guys take advantage of me. I treat everyone like brothers and sisters. His thinking is that I can’t treat the guys the same, that I can’t trust guys because their brains work differently and they’re not as wholesome as us girls. He considers priests in the same category (because they are still human), as well as male & female homosexuals.
I admit that I am also a jealous person, even with family members and friends. Like small things like my parents favoring their grandchildren over me, which is understandable because they’re so innocent and adorable, but still I get those jealous feelings. Or if a friend doesn’t invite me to an activity yet invited my other friends. Very immature of me, I know. But my boyfriend’s level of jealousy, I never thought I’d encounter in my life. And I’m one who has never had a relationship before him so I don’t even have a past love to be jealous about. The rules that he imposed on me, I said those should be imposed on himself too. I didn’t say that it was because I was jealous too, because that’s not the reason. It’s more of so he can feel the discomfort that I feel whenever we’re in a group. I’m always afraid of any guy that comes up to say hello or just hanging around minding his own business but is a few feet away from me. It’s like I’m living in fear now.
We talked about compromise in our relationship, meeting halfway. Apparently his halfway mark was me having short conversations with guys. Meaning if he had his way, I wouldn’t be talking to any guy at all.
I told him that I wanted to support him as he works through his weaknesses (like jealousy). But saying yes to him all the time (oh he loves the part in the bible about the wife being obedient to the husband), I feel like I’m supporting the actual weakness. And it doesn’t feel right for me because that’s not how I grew up. I grew up in a community setting where we treated each other like brothers and sisters. He said it’s not the same in his family. He said his dad is even more jealous than he is. And he’s more of a loner so he doesn’t understand why I value my friendships so much.
Sorry for the long post but I’ve had these things bottled up inside for months, with no one to talk to (I feel iffy about discussing this with a sibling or parent because I don’t want them to have a bad thought about him because what if we get married, then he’ll be a part of my family). I really need advice here. In all other things we are great together and really want to get married and have kids one day, but with his jealous side, that’s one thing that gets me worried about the future of our relationship. I’m afraid at one point in our married life I can’t even go out of the house and interact with people. And right now, how I can effectively serve God if I can’t even deal that much with the men in our church group? It’s like my service has limits now.
If anyone has a bible verse or a Catholic teaching about jealousy in a relationship that I can show him that would be great too. A few days ago we read together Corinthians 13:4-8 because I wanted to remind him that love is not jealous. Both of us have always told each other that we don’t want to lose the other from our own lives so we will always work hard to fix the relationship. Each night when I pray by myself, I always lift up his jealousy and possessiveness. But patience has never been my strongest trait and if I don’t see any improvement in his jealousy, I get frustrated.
I guess just to add, as it has been asked in a few posts, I am in my mid-30’s. Both of us are. He is my first boyfriend, my first love, because like I said I didn’t want to enter into a relationship wherein I didn’t see a future with the guy. We had (still have) a great friendship and when he made his intentions known, when he professed his love, I prayed about it for 3 months before agreeing to be his girlfriend. So just to give you an idea of how seriously I took this entering in the relationship before anything else. It was not like we went on some dates and became boyfriend/girlfriend. We went through friendship then discernment before officially becoming boyfriend/girlfriend. So all the advice about leaving him, it’s not that easy because when I went through my discernment I felt God was leading me to him and that he could be the one.
My ideal has always been, my first boyfriend would be the one I’d marry, just like what happened with my family members. And that’s why it took me so long to have a boyfriend.