Need some advice on husband please

[Robaynne]

Please excuse me if I go off a bit. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FIRST OF ALL. Hello you have 4 kids to look after. You have just had a baby. If he you gave you the support you needed then maybe you will have time for him.

Yes, he does show signs of depression but that is not your problem that is his and he needs to deal with it. There is so much you can do and no more. You are not superwomen. When do you have time for yourself when do you get time to do anything. He needs to wake up and act his age and not shoe size.

Why should you have to get his clothes sorted out is he a child I do not think so. Why should you have to tell him to take a bath. Or even pick up his clothes after him. That is not fair on you. If I was in your situation I am sure that I would act the same way. I do not know where you get the energy to do everything. I am a single parent and I work full time I leave the house earily in the morning and get back late in the evening. There is still dinner to prepare and homework to be done. My kids are 6 and 9 and they both need my attention to help them with their homework. I still have to make sure that they bath and still have dinner. By the time everything is done it is already 9pm and the day is gone. I am lucky to have a very good lady that has been with me for 10 years that stays in full time or else I would not be able to survive.

If possible maybe you should see if you can get somebody in to help you at least once or twice a week. Then maybe you are able to make time to do the other things. You must be feeling quiet exhausted and a little unloved right now. And maybe even suffering from a little Post Natal Depression.

You are not to blame just remember that there are two of you in this relationship. You cannot be a mother to an adult plus 4 children at the same time. Who is taking care of you NOBODY. You need help not only counselling but somebody to help in the house with the kids. Why does he not play his part in taking care of the kids. And how dare he tell you to go and sleep on the couch. That is just not on. You do so much already and still to have somebody treat you with so little respect.

When last did he take you out alone to dinner and a movie. When last did he make you feel special, wanted and loved. If he wants you to be romantic what is he doing to help you in that department.

I agree with somebody that said that you should do a list of things that he should do and the things you should do. If you guys cannot speak verbally write him a letter and tell him to read it and respond. And that if he wants this marriage to work and for you guys to work things out he needs to pull up his socks and go for counselling. You guys cannot do this on your own.

I will keep you in my prayers hang in there. There is a light at the end of the dark tunnel. Just try and find a solution to this problem. You will get advice from many good people here but it is up to you what you do with that advice. That blame game does not work. And why should you always be the one to say sorry did he say sorry for you sleeping on the couch with a small baby. He needs to sort himself out not only for his sake but for you and the childrens. Because he is not playing his part as a parent.

 

[mariam1976]

that did strike me too…

you need to sit him down and tell him very clearly that although you love him very much, there is only so much you can do and there are only so many hours in the day…

you both are entitled to love and caring in this marriage but not at the expense of each other…

get him to a counsellor as fast as you can please…

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Having read this thread, I think you could honestly sit down with him, tell him that you’re concerned about him, and offer that the both of you have had reason to be overwhelmed lately. Maybe you just need some regular communication, to get on the same page again.

If he feels he needs to spend time “being with you” and is not getting it, that is your problem, not just his. If he is depressed, that is your problem, not just his. If his neglect concerning picking up after himself is bringing out feelings of resentment in you, that is his problem, and not just yours. All of these problems are best dealt with as “our” problems, even though there are obviously aspects of each possible solution that only one of you can supply. “I love you, I know you love me, and I think we’d be happier if we started living as if we never forget that.” Patience, kindness…oh, you probably had Corinthians read at your wedding. You know what I mean.

If that does not result in a gradual improvement at your house, I’d encourage you to pursue counselling. He might be depressed. You two might just need to have someone help the two of you communicate. I would start, though, with the bedrock truth that you both promised to share one life way back when, to take each other for better or for worse, and to re-commit to that together, as the best way to welcome this new little one into the world.

There is nothing more important that parents can do for their children than to put their marriage first. If you take care of the soil, the topgrowth will follow, but all the topical sprays in the world won’t cure soil that is dead or starved. Your marriage is the soil and lifespring of your family life. Always put it first. I have violated this rule myself, and always to the detriment of our family.

I will tell you, too, that knowing that my husband is behind me, even when I drive him crazy, has made all the difference in the world in dealing with my depression. There have been days when his love is what got me out of bed in the morning. When he has been negative, instead, I just feel like giving up…and I do mean that in a fairly grave sense. I have felt as if my life made no difference, and that is no place from which to make a contribution to a family.

If your husband isn’t bathing enough or taking care about his appearance, that means he is not taking care of himself. Encourage him along those lines, and not with a view to what anyone else thinks. In spite of what a down mood may tell him some days, the effort does make a difference…to him. Insist that he do it, then, but insist on the grounds that you will not rest until you see that he’s caring for himself. (And do not be surprised if he reciprocates. )