Need some advice

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Faith4Hope

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My husband and I have always had a hard time communicating throughout our 15 year marriage. If I bring up something important that -he will tell me I’m starting a fight. My family is having a hard time financially. Things have got worse over the last couple of years. We are unable to pay our bills and are in debt that I’m not sure we can ever repay. I feel like we need to do something different- quickly. He won’t talk to me about this at all. It’s almost if we don’t talk about it, it will just go away. The choices that he has made affect me and our children. I know he is embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s important to him that we look like a happy family and that nothing is wrong. My husband didn’t want me to, but I spoke with our priest about our situation. I did not bring everything up - for example that there are legal problems pending from this. Our priest told me to pray and be supportive toward my husband. I pray constantly and am trying to let God be in charge but I am still very fearful. This situation has been giving me bad headaches and keeping me up at night. Can anyone suggest anything different that I could do?
 
I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time financially and within your marriage.

Since trying to communicate more probably hasn’t worked in the past 15 years, it’s unlikely that it will suddenly turn around during a stressful time. Maybe down the road something like counseling or Retrouvaille would be helpful.

In the mean time, is there anything you personally can do to help relieve the financial struggles? Cut back more? Work extra hours? Dealing with the pressing issue at hand- your finances, and then work on the communication when things have settled down.

If he won’t even discuss it with you it is hard to suggest coming up with a combined plan.
 
Thank you for your kind words. Yes, I need to come up with something to do on my own to make things better. I have been praying a novena to help me get a job that I applied for. It would help for me to be able to bring more money in:)
 
Faith4Hope said:

“My husband and I have always had a hard time communicating throughout our 15 year marriage. If I bring up something important that -he will tell me I’m starting a fight. My family is having a hard time financially. Things have got worse over the last couple of years. We are unable to pay our bills and are in debt that I’m not sure we can ever repay. I feel like we need to do something different- quickly. He won’t talk to me about this at all. It’s almost if we don’t talk about it, it will just go away. The choices that he has made affect me and our children. I know he is embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s important to him that we look like a happy family and that nothing is wrong. My husband didn’t want me to, but I spoke with our priest about our situation. I did not bring everything up - for example that there are legal problems pending from this. Our priest told me to pray and be supportive toward my husband. I pray constantly and am trying to let God be in charge but I am still very fearful. This situation has been giving me bad headaches and keeping me up at night. Can anyone suggest anything different that I could do?”

Is your husband a businessman with a failing business? Because that’s a somewhat different situation than if he’s a salaried employee. If you do have a failing business, you may need some expert advice.

Here are some basic suggestions:
  1. Sign up for a personal finance class and go with your husband. (Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University has a good track record–it’s 9 weeks of meeting once a week. There’s also an online version.)
  2. Do a monthly budget meeting with your husband as his pay check comes in and do it every month. Start with your income and figure out how to spend every dollar every month.
gettingfinancesdone.com/blog/archives/2006/08/how-to-create-a-zero-based-budget/

Make sure and give each of you a little no-questions-asked blow money, even if it’s a very small amount.

As this is the Christmas season (a financially very dangerous time) I would suggest suspending all holiday spending until you have this meeting, ideally no later than this weekend. Don’t spring it on him. Tell him well in advance that he needs to block out an hour to talk about this sometime in the next week, and have him choose the day and time.
  1. If your income does not cover your bills, you need to figure out with your husband 1) how to get more income 2) how to reduce your expenses and/or 3) (and this is the nuclear option) which bills not to pay. Here is a helpful explanation of how to prioritize spending when there is not enough money to go around:
daveramsey.com/index.cfm?event=askdave/&intContentItemId=123011

Once you get a dollar figure next to each category, you need to think hard about each category. You won’t be able to take measures instantly, but besides obvious frills (cable, Starbucks, restaurants, etc.) think hard about your insurance situation, your utilities, your cars, the kids’ activities, school tuition (if you are doing private school), Christmas spending, birthdays, travel, hobbies, etc.
  1. The key here is to start spending the money we made in November in December, rather than spending January’s income in December, if you see what I mean. That’s a tricky transition, but the key is to make the money, then spend the money, rather than spending the money and then figuring out how to pay the bills.
I am personally a reformed spender, so I understand how difficult it is to wrap one’s head around all these “common sense” things. I used to overspend our monthly budget by around $500 a month, which is a lot easier than it sounds.

Best wishes!
 
As a reformed spender, I actually really like budget night, because once we’re done, I have a fresh, clean budget sheet full of money to spend on stuff, and I can do so with a totally clear conscience because it’s in the budget.

Our process is that while my husband pays all of the bills, I am the custodian of the monthly budget sheet (which is on paper–a lot of people prefer to do it electronically). Every time I spend money, I subtract it from the totals on my sheet, and every time my husband spends money, he emails me (you could also do that by text) and I subtract it from the totals. We have categories for everything from haircuts to Christmas savings. We also keep a long list of non-essential wants or big-ticket needs, with the cost right next to each item. As extra money comes in, we are able to look at the big list and prioritize our spending so we don’t accidentally spend the money that should have eventually turned into a minivan.

A lot of people seem to like Mint for doing this electronically, and others like using old fashioned cash envelopes, with money for every category. So, for instance, if you budget $100 for your husband to have lunches out, you might give him an envelope labeled “Lunch Out” with $100 in cash inside. When there’s no money in the envelope, we stop spending. There are a lot of ways to do this that work. You probably want to offer your husband a lot of (name removed by moderator)ut in setting up your system and then hold him to it.

Here’s a big picture, step-by-step, long-term game plan that you may find helpful:

daveramsey.com/new/baby-steps/
 
If your debts are loans from banks etc. the usual advice is to talk to them and not to ignore them. Banks, apparently, like to know you are trying to deal with loans and will work with you if they see you are trying, they will only see this if you go and talk to them.
 
PaddyWalker said:

“If your debts are loans from banks etc. the usual advice is to talk to them and not to ignore them.”

Right–but maybe only at two week intervals (“Yeah, we still don’t have any money. I’ll talk to you in two weeks”. Also, I’ve heard that even very small partial payments will discombobulate the software that reminds them to sue debtors. But it may be too late for that…

Note that if you are facing foreclosure, small partial payments don’t help at all–you can still lose your house if you are not completely caught up. If you are having mortgage problems, HARP has actually worked very well.

A lot depends on the nature of your debt, but in general, these things are not as scary if you look at them in the cold light of day. They get scarier the longer you leave them alone. It sounds like your husband has screwed up big time, but you have a lot of different options (up to and including bankruptcy protection if worst comes to worst). Tell him that you love him no matter what and that you need to do this together and that you will help to the best of your abilities.
 
Faith4Hope said:
My husband and I have always had a hard time communicating throughout our 15 year marriage. If I bring up something important that -he will tell me I’m starting a fight. My family is having a hard time financially. Things have got worse over the last couple of years. We are unable to pay our bills and are in debt that I’m not sure we can ever repay. I feel like we need to do something different- quickly. He won’t talk to me about this at all. It’s almost if we don’t talk about it, it will just go away. The choices that he has made affect me and our children. I know he is embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to know. It’s important to him that we look like a happy family and that nothing is wrong. My husband didn’t want me to, but I spoke with our priest about our situation. I did not bring everything up - for example that there are legal problems pending from this. Our priest told me to pray and be supportive toward my husband. I pray constantly and am trying to let God be in charge but I am still very fearful. This situation has been giving me bad headaches and keeping me up at night. Can anyone suggest anything different that I could do?
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You need to go into marriage counseling. I would call back your Church or even your diocese and see if they can recommend someone for you. Likewise, if you or your husband has insurance, check to see what is covered. There is no way any of us can help you over the internet based on one post or one side to it. If your husband won’t go, at least you go to counseling. Check with Marriage encounter and Retrouveau for help as well.
 
There’s nothing you can do except love him. if his business/etc is doomed to fail there’s nothing you can do/say. Just try to pt your mind on happy things, take kids out to the farmer’s market/etc.
 
Thanks for all of your replies. They really do help, I don’t have anyone that I can talk to about this in real life.

“Is your husband a businessman with a failing business? Because that’s a somewhat different situation than if he’s a salaried employee. If you do have a failing business, you may need some expert advice.”

He is self employed, it is a small business that is really having a hard time in this economy. Sometimes there is a paycheck for us, most times not.

“You need to go into marriage counseling. I would call back your Church or even your diocese and see if they can recommend someone for you. Likewise, if you or your husband has insurance, check to see what is covered. There is no way any of us can help you over the internet based on one post or one side to it. If your husband won’t go, at least you go to counseling. Check with Marriage encounter and Retrouveau for help as well.”

Yes, we do need to go to counseling. Sadly he won’t, so yes when there is money available I would like to try and go on my own.

I am trying to find ways to bring in extra money myself, so hopefully that will change things for the better. As I said earlier I have applied for different jobs. There is one in particular that I would love to get and it would really help my family. If anyone would like to say a prayer for me, I would be so thankful.

Most of all, I want things to be ok for my kids. For me this means having us be able to pay the bills and not having things so stressful that it hurts them. They are such good kids, they don’t ask for anything:) I know this situation is affecting them.

God bless to all of you!
 
Does he have a tax accountant? If so, set up a meeting with that person. It is very easy to mingle personal and business expenses when you have a small business, but an ugly legal mess when you need to declare bankruptcy.

While you wait to hear about jobs, start contacting the bank, etc about your debts. You want to make sure the heat stays on this winter! For the most part, companies are willing to work out payment plans and it is better to be in a plan with the original company than with the debt collector.

Think also about who he might listen to - his father? your priest? another family member or friend? Ask that person to help mediate a talk about finances. Depending on his business and his skills, it might make more sense for him to get a salaried job at this time so your income is more stable. You could take over winding down the business in such a way that the bills are paid and he can possibly start it back up at a time when the prospects are better.

I will say a prayer for your family.
 
Faith4Hope said:

“He is self employed, it is a small business that is really having a hard time in this economy. Sometimes there is a paycheck for us, most times not.”

Yeah, I thought I could smell a small business on hard times.

I have a lot of relatives in small business, and one couple that did very well during the dot com bubble kept paying their payroll on credit after the dot com bubble burst, winding up eventually with a five figure line of credit plus goodness knows what else in debt (which in good times they saw as free money). They kept expecting that things would get better any minute, not realizing how AMAZING and unrepeatable the late 90s had been, economically speaking. Anyway, they and their business survived through sheer miracle, but they had to deeply pare down their payroll and they got very serious about doing Dave Ramsey. I am happy to report that they came through the last recession very well, due to their becoming much more conservative.

The problem is that back in the 90s, they were just starting their business and they thought that their growing revenue was due to their savvy, rather than the favorable economic climate, so they overexpanded with debt just in time to get slammed by the dot com bust. That was a hard, but important thing to learn–that anybody can make money during a boom, but that there’s always a recession coming, and you need to be ready for it at all times. It’s like surfing–there’s always another wave coming.

Likewise, my parents have a friend who was a new Realtor during the housing bust. She’s smart and fun and energetic, but she kept expecting the big score, and she stayed in the business years longer than she should have.

“I am trying to find ways to bring in extra money myself, so hopefully that will change things for the better. As I said earlier I have applied for different jobs. There is one in particular that I would love to get and it would really help my family. If anyone would like to say a prayer for me, I would be so thankful.”

Very good!

“Most of all, I want things to be ok for my kids. For me this means having us be able to pay the bills and not having things so stressful that it hurts them. They are such good kids, they don’t ask for anything I know this situation is affecting them.”

Things will be OK for your kids if you are there to make things OK.

Bear in mind that in your current situation, “pay the bills” doesn’t necessarily mean paying your old debt. It may even be a major achievement if you can pay your current living expenses and keep paying them. I think that eventually you’ll be able to move past that, but in the meantime, just paying for food, basic utilities, transportation and housing is good enough.

Tell your husband that you love him, that he works really hard, and that you want to help and that you know things are eventually going to be OK if the two of you work together.

Best wishes!
 
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