Need some courtship/dating advice

[FanofB16]

Hi.

I went out for dinner with a girl on Friday and it went really well. We enjoyed each others company and the next day she invited me out to a Christian event where we spent the day together.

I asked her out again to the cinema for next weekend and she said yes.

I need advice on a few things:

1. I think she does like me, but I keep thinking that the more time she spends with me, then she will begin to think what an ordinary boring person I am and no longer like me. I mean, she is such a beautiful person - so why should she like me?
2. How often should you talk on the phone? I think we talked a bit too much by phone over the last week - 5 days out of 7. Although I enjoyed this so much, the danger is that we run out of things to talk about. Have you any advice about how I could bring this up and do you agree with me that this is probably too much?
   I was going to suggest to her that we chat on Tuesday and then meet up on Saturday?
3. When should I have the dreaded “define the relationship” talk? I have been out with this girl twice over the weekend, we chatted 5 out of 7 days last week, and text each other each day. So, I’m wondering: Am I now in a relationship? Which would be wonderful. I’m confused. What do you think?

I would especially like a woman’s perspective on all this.

 

[bunnynessuk]

HI!

I am very happy that you are having such a good time with this young lady!!!

I would say that whilst you are not yet in a ‘relationship’ you are seeing one another and I would say that it would not be unconventional for you in a couple of weeks to ask her to just see you! I think she obv likes you - the texting phone calls etc! And its just a case of wait and see - go shopping, maybe a couple of day trips to places you both want to see - in the early stages my H2B took me to both Chester and Lancaster for the day and it was really fun - that way you have breakfast lunch and dinner together you can go to museums ( we are both history buffs!) and we even went to see the squirrels in the park!

Just play it by ear!

J

 

[puzzleannie]

I love stories like this, renews my faith in romance, which is a topic I fear the younger generation has ignored too much, going for the fake instead of the real.

two dates and a few phone conversations is not a relationship.

if you think you are boring so will other people. work in pursuing your interests, talents and abilities so you won’t be boring.

from my granddaughter: don’t call so often that you come across as needy, having nobody else to talk to, but do call after each date, and to confirm the next one, and once in between.

 

[sanctamaria17]

I remember my first few conversations with my boyfriend, after we started dating. Lol, it was a little awkward.

As for advice, here’s my take:

1. Pray. You want to make sure you’re following God’s will throughout this, especially if you think you may end up together some day. I know it’s early but the possibility does exist.
2. Be yourself. If you are constantly worrying, you will come off as insecure. Just let your personality shine through and you will be more relaxed, which will make her feel relaxed and at ease with you.
3. Take it slow. My boyfriend and I were best friends for three years before we were together. This helped build the foundation for a dating relationship.
4. Let the conversation flow naturally. If you find yourself stalling, ask her about herself, her interests and hobbies, her funny memories, etc. She will know that you really are interested in her and this will help get past the nerves.
5. Have fun. It’s wonderful to be liked by someone you like. Just follow the advice above and many blessings for the two of you

 

[Cari]

Pray. If God is calling you to the vocation of marriage, He will guide you. This is not to suggest that this woman is your future spouse, but simply to help you relax. It’s in God’s hands.

Breathe and enjoy this. When it’s time for the “relationship” talk (I assume you mean the “agree to see one another exclusively” talk) it’ll be natural, or it won’t be the right time.

Of course, this is coming from a woman who met her husband at 13 and knew she was going to marry him at 14. What do I know?

 

[chevalier]

Hey hey. Don’t worry so much. You aren’t breaking any moral principles by talking to a girl on the phone 5 days out of 7. If the conversation flows, it’s fine. Just don’t phone if you suspect it might turn awkward or if you know she’s busy or if you’ve already phoned her on that day. If it feels like too much is going on, maybe go on a trip or seek some solitude?

And no, you aren’t in a relationship yet. You’re in a relationship when you both know it… unless it somehow develops without you two knowing.

I think you want to define things and to make up rules and schedules. Avoid that and just be yourself and be happy. Don’t think about the right way of doing things. The right way of doing things is the one which 1) is moral, 2) works for both of you.

Just spend time with the girl, be happy and spontaneous. Don’t deny her your company, but don’t seek her company more often than it feels proper to you. Don’t push things. Enjoy what you have instead of living in the potential future. Enjoy your budding relationship or friendship (even not knowing which yet) that you have now.

 

[dulcissima]

Just spend time with the girl, be happy and spontaneous. Don’t deny her your company, but don’t seek her company more often than it feels proper to you. Don’t push things. Enjoy what you have instead of living in the potential future. Enjoy your budding relationship or friendship (even not knowing which yet) that you have now.

Really good advice, especially the part quoted above.

I hope you are still enjoying getting to know your new friend, and it is OK to let her know that.

 

[chevalier]

Really good advice, especially the part quoted above.

Thank you. :tiphat:

I hope you are still enjoying getting to know your new friend, and it is OK to let her know that.

Yes, and you don’t need to inform her about her status with you at every step in defined terms, either. Just make sure you aren’t sending mixed signals or otherwise giving her wrong impressions. Don’t hasten to do anything defining, like calling your meetings “dates” if you talk about “meeting up” or “hanging out”, kissing her, holding hands, calling her your girlfriend. There’s due time for all of that and it’s best if it comes naturally. The danger with defining is that it speeds up moving to the next stage and that’s not always good. Just concentrate on her and what you have with her. If you stay true to that, you don’t need that much defining.

 

[FanofB16]

Thanks for all your replies.

So we’ve been out 4 times now - to a Church event, to the cinema, for coffee, and for dinner.

I’ve met some of her family.

We can chat about serious stuff and fun stuff as well.

She knows that I have never had a girlfriend before and she has had a few boyfriends before.

I try and compliment her lots - about her perfume, how she looks etc. She seems happy with this (And I open the door for her of course)

I’d like your thoughts on a few things please:

1. We are not official girlfriend/boyfriend. We are just seeing how things go. She says she wants to take things slowly, which I am happy with with. But, what does taking things slowly mean?
2. I find her more and more attractive the more I see her. I have never kissed a girl before or even hugged a girl romantically. But, obviously the more we get to know each other and look into each others eyes etc, then I would like to express my affection with a hug or a kiss or to hold her hand. But, I would be scared both of doing something wrong (I’ve no idea how to kiss). After 4 dates, would she be expecting a hug or a kiss? Should I initiate it?
3. Any thoughts where I could take her out to next?
4. Any thoughts in general about the initial stages of a relationship, especially from a woman’s perspective.
5. Any advice for me in general?

 

[childofmary1143]

Thanks for all your replies.

So we’ve been out 4 times now - to a Church event, to the cinema, for coffee, and for dinner.

I’ve met some of her family.

We can chat about serious stuff and fun stuff as well.

She knows that I have never had a girlfriend before and she has had a few boyfriends before.

I try and compliment her lots - about her perfume, how she looks etc. She seems happy with this (And I open the door for her of course)

I’d like your thoughts on a few things please:

1. We are not official girlfriend/boyfriend. We are just seeing how things go. She says she wants to take things slowly, which I am happy with with. But, what does taking things slowly mean?

As a guy I think it means that she wants to proceed with this relationship carefully and not getting too involved too soon. Which is a very good sign from her.

1. I find her more and more attractive the more I see her. I have never kissed a girl before or even hugged a girl romantically. But, obviously the more we get to know each other and look into each others eyes etc, then I would like to express my affection with a hug or a kiss or to hold her hand. But, I would be scared both of doing something wrong (I’ve no idea how to kiss). After 4 dates, would she be expecting a hug or a kiss? Should I initiate it?

I certainly don’t see why you can’t give her a nice hug. I hug friends and you have had 4 dates with her. As for a kiss that is a whole other dimension. What I might suggest is ask her if you can hold her hand and go for a walk. See what happens.

1. Any thoughts where I could take her out to next?

You can answer this better than any of us here. Is there a place she has mentioned that she likes that you HAVEN’T gone yet? If there isn’t then go to the place where you had the most fun.

1. Any thoughts in general about the initial stages of a relationship, especially from a woman’s perspective.

Seeing as I am a man I will refrain here

1. Any advice for me in general?

Honestly make her feel appreciated and you will never regret it.

 

[catholicsingles]

just enjoy the time you spend together, but don’t jump the gun either…how old are you by the way…if you want good advice from anyone, it helps to know where you are coming from…age does matter a bit when evaluating these things! good luck.

 

[FanofB16]

Hi.

I’m 29, she is 23

 

[chevalier]

I try and compliment her lots - about her perfume, how she looks etc. She seems happy with this (And I open the door for her of course)

Good, but only say that when you mean it, I think. No need to force it as if it were obligatory. But I’m a low compliment user myself, so I may be biased on this one.

1. We are not official girlfriend/boyfriend. We are just seeing how things go. She says she wants to take things slowly, which I am happy with with. But, what does taking things slowly mean?

Taking slowly means not rushing things. Not defining things too early. Allowing them to develop naturally instead of pushing them.

I find her more and more attractive the more I see her. I have never kissed a girl before or even hugged a girl romantically. But, obviously the more we get to know each other and look into each others eyes etc, then I would like to express my affection with a hug or a kiss or to hold her hand. But, I would be scared both of doing something wrong (I’ve no idea how to kiss). After 4 dates, would she be expecting a hug or a kiss? Should I initiate it?

Kissing is not something one should practice. It’s one of those things that show affection. Those things are not meant to be trained, so you aren’t meant to be a pro’. The number of dates has nothing to do with it. I think you may want to try and hug her if you really feel it, if you feel it expresses your affection and is not “getting action”, that it doesn’t lead anywhere bad etc. Before kissing, I would ask her. Hands are relatively safe… you could do that spontaneously if it were warranted, I guess.

1. Any thoughts where I could take her out to next?

Whatever you like. Don’t try to score with her, really. You won’t really know what she likes (unless you actually do know that) and scoring points gives you nothing if the whole thing just doesn’t click. So, all in all, choose a place you like. If you really like the girl, you can choose a place that’s meaningful to you.

1. Any thoughts in general about the initial stages of a relationship, especially from a woman’s perspective.

Yes. There is no such thing as formal stages. There’s no base 1, base 2, base 3 in reality, unless people want to push things and create labels to compel others into doing something they don’t want to do. Just take it slowly and allow it to develop naturally. Don’t push anything. Don’t force yourself.

1. Any advice for me in general?

As above, plus try to relax a bit. Be natural, be yourself. Really give up on the idea of scoring points… it just doesn’t work like that. Honest. And when it does, it leads to disasters. Be yourself and you’ll know if she likes you. If you aren’t yourself but more like the perfect guy, you just get to know if she likes the image you create - but then you don’t know if she likes the real you. So be yourself. Stay true to your religion, your convictions, your principles, and to yourself. Good luck.

 

[CCM08]

You make it sound like you’re applying for a loan, it doesn’t work that way. These things just happen, or they don’t happen. But trying to force it is a pretty sure method for making it not happen.

The only advice I’m going to share is don’t ask strangers on the internet where you should go on dates. No one knows you or her, take her places she’d like to go.

 

[CCM08]

As above, plus try to relax a bit. Be natural, be yourself. Really give up on the idea of scoring points… it just doesn’t work like that.

I don’t know, you’d be surprised all the trouble with the wife I’ve avoided with a well placed compliment and we haven’t even been married all that long.

 

[catholicsingles]

if you like this girl, be yourself…don’t let anyone tell you to move faster, slower, etc…if you try to be someone you are not naturally then its going to backfire…if she doesn’t go for that, then she isn’t the one…with that said, you should try and give her at least a kiss on the cheek next time…she may start to lose respect, a little, if you take too long to initiate one, and it may turn into just being friends…the fact you haven’t had a girlfriend and are 29, that might make her wonder if you don’t take charge (girls don’t like pushovers)…that doesn’t mean being someone else, just being assertive. she may be the one to kiss you on the cheek, or lips, but if it doesn’t happen soon it may not at all…and that isn’t probably what you want…so start slow if you must, but do something…you’ll feel better for trying and it will let you know which way things will go. good luck.

ps: just an fyi, self confidence is helpful at this stage, so put your best foot forward…get some new clothes, get in some exercise and eat right, and if you can a haircut (you wouldn’t believe how helpful a female stylist can be when they cut your hair…ask her for some tips on your appearance)! this may help you get over the hump and make that first move!

 

[FanofB16]

Hi.

Thanks for all your replies,

It doesn’t matter now because she has told me “she just wants to be friends” rather than “go out with me”.

I was expecting this because I don’t think any girl could ever like me romantically. That may seem harsh, but thats what the evidence suggsts. After a few dates, every Christian girl I’ve been out with says the same “You are very nice, a great Christian, a gentleman, but only friends”.

Please don’t think it’s because I’m some weirdo, I just can’t seem to find someone special in life.

Anyway, back to the single life.

 

[chevalier]

I don’t know, you’d be surprised all the trouble with the wife I’ve avoided with a well placed compliment and we haven’t even been married all that long.

Sure. A well-placed good word can do wonders, but it’s not the same as scoring points if you’re just kind to someone. It’s not really about the right way of doing things and the perfect 100 out of 100, is it?

It doesn’t matter now because she has told me “she just wants to be friends” rather than “go out with me”.

Better now than later. Take it as a compatibility/readiness issue. You may not be compatible or she may not be ready. Or maybe she sees you aren’t the right guy for her - or she might even actually see she’s not the kind of woman you need. Nothing necessarily personal and no reason to drag yourself low. Besides, be friends if you like her. Friends are good to have.

I was expecting this because I don’t think any girl could ever like me romantically. That may seem harsh, but thats what the evidence suggsts.

The evidence has one big flaw: it’s not full. No matter how many girls you’ve tried dating, there are many, many more. Maybe you’re looking at the wrong women? Don’t give up. I get the same kind of conclusions from my own “logical” thinking, but then I remind myself that this kind of logic is flawed. Besides, if you keep thinking that, you will develop low self-esteem and that will indeed make girls prefer to skip you.

After a few dates, every Christian girl I’ve been out with says the same “You are very nice, a great Christian, a gentleman, but only friends”.

Who knows what gives. I’ve heard the line thousands of times, just remove the “great Christian” part (not so often, once maybe). Their loss. Whichever one actually breaks the habit and decides to join up with me, I’ll try to make happy as much I can.

Please don’t think it’s because I’m some weirdo, I just can’t seem to find someone special in life.

Naah. You might even think that you’re some weirdo because you can’t seem to find someone special in life. Don’t think that. Some people just can’t seem to find someone special and it just looks like that. Doesn’t mean they’re weirdos. Do I look like one? Well, too much of one?

Anyway, back to the single life.

It has its good sides, really.

 

[dublingirl]

Hi.

Thanks for all your replies,

It doesn’t matter now because she has told me “she just wants to be friends” rather than “go out with me”.

I was expecting this because I don’t think any girl could ever like me romantically. That may seem harsh, but thats what the evidence suggsts. After a few dates, every Christian girl I’ve been out with says the same “You are very nice, a great Christian, a gentleman, but only friends”.

Please don’t think it’s because I’m some weirdo, I just can’t seem to find someone special in life.

Anyway, back to the single life.

There could be 101 different reasons why she wants to be “just friends” (e.g not quite over the last bf, wondering about religious vocation…) so if you can I wouldn’t take what she said personally. Also, I wouldn’t take her “just friends” as meaning “never having a relationship”. If you show her respect and are friendly towards her now (just not meeting up exclusively with her) even though I can appreciate that may be a little bit hard, you never know what will happen in the future. Things can happen quickly with someone who you’ve been friends with for a couple of years and then decide to go out with.
I don’t think you could have done anything more (judging from your posts) and if she’s not the one and you’re meant to be married then God will put someone in your path at the right time.
I’ll offer up my Adoration tonight for this intention.
God bless.

 

[catholicsingles]

well i agree, better you know now than later…in any case, next time try being a little more aggresive…make a move sooner, say by the 2nd date, at least a kiss on the cheek…it will let her know you know what you want and that you don’t want to drag out a non-romantic relationship…whether she says Yes or No, she’ll respect you for taking the lead…as for this girl, don’t call her and maybe she’ll come around later and call you…and keep your options open, a vocation may be down the road for you too! good luck

btw, take this time to prepare for the next girl…it will happen, and you’ll want to be ready!