Need Some Encouragement Regarding Seeking Annulment

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RedRosePetals

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I’m a relatively new Catholic. My ex-husband was Catholic and we had a Catholic wedding, but I decided to undertake the “conversion” on my own as he wasn’t at all practicing. Due to a number of actions on his part, the marriage did not work out. I tried extremely hard to make it work, but it was clear he did not want to be married and was not taking our vows seriously.

I want to continue to participate fully in the Church, but I’m feeling extremely discouraged about seeking an annulment. I have thought that maybe I would just switch back to a Protestant church, but I simply do not experience the fullness of God in Protestant churches no matter how hard I try.

Has anyone here gone through the tribunal process for a relatively short lived marriage? I understand how serious the sacrament of marriage is and I understand how important it is for it to go through the tribunal process, but the thought is exhausting. However, it’s extremely important to me to be able to marry in the Church if the annulment is granted, to have children and be able to fully participate with them in Church life, etc.
 
my friend did it…pretty simple process…it just takes some time. But it’s worth it! She’s got her annulment and is being recieved into the church on easter!
 
When it comes to assessing whether a marriage was invalid, it is not the length of the attempt at marriage that is the issue, but rather assessing the essential character the attempt at marriage had from the beginning. Two people can stay in an invalid marriage for a very long time, whether out of inertia or embarrassment or a desire to approximate a marriage relationship as best they can for the sake of their children…it can be many things. Sometimes there is an issue that was a sleeping volcano, not apparent at the beginning but in retrospect destined to frustrate the attempt. This is something that is sometimes only clear only in retrospect to the parties attempting the marriage, and if they were hiding things in denial, it might be clear to others only when a full disclosure to them is possible. IOW: The assessment is made on the basis of: If everything was known at the time of the marriage, even those things about the couple that only God knew at the time, would the attempt at marriage have been deemed possible? If truly impossible or if unreal (because some element of consent that was theoretically possible was nevertheless not given), then invalid. (There are other issues, too; I’m only speaking to what the length of the attempt has to do with it.)

Talk to your pastor. You will do best if you have encouragement from someone who is qualified to give you pastoral care and guidance about your particular case.
 
RedRosePetals said:
I’m a relatively new Catholic. My ex-husband was Catholic and we had a Catholic wedding, but I decided to undertake the “conversion” on my own as he wasn’t at all practicing. Due to a number of actions on his part, the marriage did not work out. I tried extremely hard to make it work, but it was clear he did not want to be married and was not taking our vows seriously.

I want to continue to participate fully in the Church, but I’m feeling extremely discouraged about seeking an annulment
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I don’t have experience with annulments, but I do want to reassure you that you CAN participate fully in the Church, even though you are divorced. Whether or not there is sin that you need to confess regarding the divorce would be something a priest could help you figure out. But even so, that’s just a matter of going to confession. I’m not discouraging you from filing for an annulment, but it is not a necessary requirement for you to live single after a divorce. The time an annulment would be required is if you want to date or remarry. Perhaps that is why you are looking into one, but since you didn’t mention anything about dating or remarriage, I wanted to make sure that you didn’t have a misconception about your standing in the Church. God bless.
 
The best advice is to talk to your pastor about this. Please don’t leave because of this one issue - You became a Catholic because you believed in what we do and may not find a Protestant church an easy “swap.” Your Pastor can assist you with the process and answer any questions you may have.
 
I echo the recommendation to talk to your pastor. He can help you sort through all that might be necessary.

Just take it one step at a time. You will be glad you did. I know someone who waited more than 30 years before finally going through the process and she kept saying “Why didn’t I do this sooner?” When the process was finally complete, it was like a weight lifted off her shoulder.

There’s no reason to put it off. Talk to your priest as soon as possible. If for some reason you feel uncomfortable talking to your priest, contact your diocesan Tribunal office. They will help you through the process every step of the way.
 
Joe_5859 said:
I echo the recommendation to talk to your pastor… If for some reason you feel uncomfortable talking to your priest, contact your diocesan Tribunal office. They will help you through the process every step of the way.
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This! There are many in the Church who can help you, from your parish and up through your bishop’s staff. Feel free to consult with someone with whom you believe you will feel the most comfortable.
 
You should make an appointment with a priest to discuss seeking an annulment. They are granted strictly on a case by case basis and your priest will be in the best position to advise you on how to proceed. I have heard of them being granted in as little as 6 months (my sister’s was 4) but some people wait years, a lot depends on how long ago you were married and how overworked the Tribual is in conducting the investigation. You should start now and not wait until you meet someone years from now and THEN have to do it.
 
Catholic1954 said:
You should make an appointment with a priest to discuss seeking an annulment. They are granted strictly on a case by case basis and your priest will be in the best position to advise you on how to proceed. I have heard of them being granted in as little as 6 months (my sister’s was 4) but some people wait years, a lot depends on how long ago you were married and how overworked the Tribual is in conducting the investigation. You should start now and not wait until you meet someone years from now and THEN have to do it.
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The time and effort involved can vary a lot, yes. That does not mean that people are not “on your side” or that someone is dragging their feet. It does help to have someone to guide you about how to keep your end of the process moving along at a good pace, such as keeping tabs on whether needed information and testimony is getting to the Tribunal.
 
My husband and I recently went through this process. He and his ex had been married for 4 years when she walked out, citing the fact that “she wasn’t happy” and the vows she took were “just symbolic and didn’t really mean anything”.

My husband and I thought his annulment would be pretty straightforward, but it ended up requiring a formal nullity trial, so it took about 18 months (which is pretty standard for an annulment). During this time, we were advised by our priest (who knew about my husband’s marital problems and could see that our marriage would be a blessing) advised us to get married civilly. As a rule, I would NOT recommend this option - we only took it because it was so blatantly obvious that the annulment would be granted (his wife had confirmed to witnesses that she had said those things about their wedding). We also felt strongly called by God to be married and we knew that He would never have asked this of us if He knew it was not possible.

Long and short of it, we were civilly married May 28, 2011, and sacramentally married in a simple convalidation on November 5, 2012. It was a long haul, and really frustrated my husband at times, but we are both so thankful that we have retained our Catholic faith and saw the thing through to the end. Since we have been validly married, I feel so much joy in my heart and I am so thankful for the graces God has given me through my marriage.
 
I never was concerned much about the annulment process. Then my husband had an affair on me. I divorced him civilly of course and then I remarried. I thought that as long as i did not try to get married through another catholic church in another state or something it was alright. Now the priest is telling me that I am a sinner and my punishment is not being able to receive the host… True?!
 
RedRosePetals said:
I’m a relatively new Catholic. My ex-husband was Catholic and we had a Catholic wedding, but I decided to undertake the “conversion” on my own as he wasn’t at all practicing. Due to a number of actions on his part, the marriage did not work out. I tried extremely hard to make it work, but it was clear he did not want to be married and was not taking our vows seriously.

I want to continue to participate fully in the Church, but I’m feeling extremely discouraged about seeking an annulment. I have thought that maybe I would just switch back to a Protestant church, but I simply do not experience the fullness of God in Protestant churches no matter how hard I try.

Has anyone here gone through the tribunal process for a relatively short lived marriage? I understand how serious the sacrament of marriage is and I understand how important it is for it to go through the tribunal process, but the thought is exhausting. However, it’s extremely important to me to be able to marry in the Church if the annulment is granted, to have children and be able to fully participate with them in Church life, etc.
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I have been through the annulment process, although at 22 years it was not a short marriage. Some thoughts:
  • You can fully participate in the Church as a divorced catholic whether your marriage is declared null or not. You just can’t become involved with someone or remarry. You should talk to a priest about the reasons for your divorce in terms of whether confession would be necessary. ETA: for example, my religious director was quite happy for me to continue teaching CCD after my divorce.
  • Filing sooner is better than filing later because the longer you wait the harder it will be to find witnesses who knew you during your engagement and at the time of your marriage. The parents will also be asked to provide statements, the longer you wait the greater the chance that some may not be around. As someone else said, a declaration of nullity is about the state of your marriage from the beginning, the church needs statements from people who knew you and your husband at that time.
  • It starts with you talking to your priest. They’ll make an initial recommendation to you as to whether they believe there are grounds to go forward. This is the step, according to my priest, where most inquiries into the annulment process ends. That is, they don’t formally file because the priest or the parishioner conclude there doesn’t seem to be any valid reason to go forward.
  • The process is not exhausting, it is straight forward and very helpful regardless of whether your marriage is declared null. It was very helpful for me in trying to understand my marriage, the truth behind it. You, your ex, the parents, your witnesses will be asked to provide statements. You’ll have the opportunity to review these as well as the tribunals decision. Many folks don’t review them, I did.
  • Try to view it as a search for truth vice wanting a particular answer. There were many things in the witness statements about things I was completely unaware of. If you are looking for a particular answer you may feel some ill will towards witnesses doing their best to be truthful. Keep in mind that their view of things will be different from yours, appreciate their honesty as it can help you understand things better.
  • The longest delay to the process will be the gathering of statements. I contacted everyone ahead of time to ensure they wouldn’t mind completing the statements.
I know that divorce itself is an exhausting process and that makes it difficult to face starting yet another process. I waited a year after my divorce was final to seek a declaration of nullity, which was only delaying my facing the truth about my marriage.

God bless you and yours,
 
Just_me1 said:
I never was concerned much about the annulment process. Then my husband had an affair on me. I divorced him civilly of course and then I remarried. I thought that as long as i did not try to get married through another catholic church in another state or something it was alright. Now the priest is telling me that I am a sinner and my punishment is not being able to receive the host… True?!
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Well, we’re all sinners. But it is true that as a Catholic, you have to get married with the permission of the Church. I would encourage you to learn more about annulments and what they mean. This goes to the heart of what marriage really is - it is not just an agreement between 2 people and a community, but a real, permanent, spiritual bond. So a civil divorce may make the people in your community satisfied, but the real permanent bond is not gone. So even though the civil authorities are content to let you legally marry someone else, ultimately marriage is not a legal institution, but a spiritual one. So the REAL status of your marriage, is the spiritual status. How can you marry someone else, when you are actually bonded to the first spouse? In fact, you can not. So the second marriage has not created the bond that you imagine it has, because you are already bonded to someone else. That is why we would say that the second marriage is “invalid” or “irregular.”

That is where an annulment comes in. An annulment (actually called a declaration of nullity) declares that when you had your first wedding, that “real, permanent, spiritual bond” never was truly formed. The annulment process asks the question, “did the bride and groom truly form a marriage that day?” Of course, if your first marriage turns out not to have created a real, permanent, and spiritual bond, then you would be free to get married.

One further point to consider - not receiving the Eucharist is not punishment, so much as a warning. When a person knowingly commits a serious sin, they are harming their soul, putting their soul at risk. If one is regularly committing serious sins, it is true that they should not be receiving the Eucharist, because we are only to receive the Eucharist when we do not have serious sin on our consciences - we must go to confession first. But if we remember that the reason behind all of these rules, and behind our very lives, is to be able to live forever with God in heaven, then we can see why there are such rules. If you are regularly committing serious sins, then you are putting your eternity in heaven at risk. While it must be very difficult to not receive the Eucharist each week, that suffering has an end-date. Eternity does not. So not receiving the Eucharist is a warning, or a call for you to do whatever you must do to make your situation right with God - not so that you can receive communion again, but so that you can live with him forever in heaven someday.

I want to add that I am in no position to make any judgement on your specific situation - this is a general statement. Please continue to talk to your priest about this. Also, chances are, along with most Catholics under the age of 60 (including myself), you weren’t well educated about your faith growing up. There is probably much you can learn about Catholicism that will help you understand not just this matter, but help you in other areas. So I would encourage you to keep going to Mass, and to continue to learn as much as you can about the faith. You won’t regret it.
 
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