Need some faithful relationship advice . .

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lotus1922

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There is a guy I’ve seen a few times recently where I work (we are both employees but do not work at the same site). We’ve only spoken a couple times and that is just small talk, “Hi, how are you?” and other such niceties. I have no idea what his interests or values are, or really anything substantial about him as a person, but I have literally not been able to stop thinking about him ever since I first saw him, and would love to get to know him better. I noticed him as soon as he walked into the room and was instantly stricken. Now I know that that is not the most mature or rational thing to say, but it is what it is and I am trying my best to handle my feelings in a mature, rational, and most importantly faith-based way.

I feel a very strong compulsion to try to form a friendship with him, with the further hope of possibly becoming more than friends with time. But there’s a lot of “red flags” and issues, on various levels, that make this problematic:
  • I suspect he is a good bit older than me (I’m solidly in my mid-20s, I’m guessing he’s in his 30s). I also look somewhat younger than my age (most people think I’m around 18-19), so even if he were to read my feelings correctly (despite my not making them explicitly known), I doubt he would reciprocate because he would assume our age difference is even greater than it is— and he seems to be an appropriately serious, mature-minded man.
  • I do not see him very frequently; in fact there is little certainty that I would see him again anytime soon owing to the nature of our jobs, our individual schedules, etc. But even if we were not to physically see each other for some time, it would not be difficult for one of us to contact the other owing to our being employed by the same company and thus having ready access to work site contact info, similar networks, etc. We are literally a couple of mouse-clicks or phone calls away from communicating anytime if either of us is so inclined.
  • I’m EXTREMELY shy, and while I’m generally very comfortable around men, my attraction to this one intimidates me. On top of that, I’ve never had an actual boyfriend before, or even been on a date.
I pray about this everyday, as it is a genuine torment not only to have these feelings, but also not know what to do with them. My first conclusion is that it must be a purely superficial attraction since I obviously know nothing about him, yet I have never felt this strongly, or been this consumed by superficiality before (I have certainly been taken by “eye candy” before; it usually runs its course in time and is forgotten without incident). I do not feel an occasion of sin in either thinking about him or being around him, but it is hard to function on a day-to-day level when my mind is preoccupied with this, and I very often have a great deal of emotional distress as well. My main goal in praying about this is for God to strengthen me against this emotional and mental toll; to stay focused on the immediate tasks at hand in my life (taking one day at a time, doing well in my job, staying focused on my personal goals of entrepreneurship and not losing sight of my objectives, etc); and to offer up the suffering of these feelings as a penance. But I also find myself praying for discernment about whether I should pursue a relationship (friendship or otherwise) with him or not . . . and that’s what conflicts me 😦 I know God’s will will be no matter what, but would it be wrong of me to try to pursue him (ie, inviting him to meet for lunch one day) if the opportunity presents itself–? And would it be fair to him for me to even try, since I surely don’t have enough “life experience” to offer in a relationship and be of interest to him?

Sorry for such a longwinded post, but I guess I am just looking for some insight from those who are wiser and more spiritually mature than I am about what I should do to either get over this, or manage it well. Is this becoming a young adult woman, who truly loves my Lord and my God above all else and wishes to Follow Him First, to even give this serious consideration? Or would the above-mentioned issues make it too “weird”?

Thanks and blessings—
 
You do understand that this is physical attraction, chemical attraction.
You know nothing about him so you are not attracted because of anything that matters, like goodness.

Do you know if he has a wife or relationship.
Do you know if he is genuinely honest and good.

Attraction alone has little to offer, certainly nothing lasting. Such attraction more often than not fades, particularly with more familiarity.

However, you are lonely and shy and one has to begin somewhere. None of us ‘has life experience’ until we begin.
Don’t over-think, if he shows interest, perhaps you can learn more who he actually is, but please be wise and withdraw if he is in any way a threat to who you really wish to be as God’s child and as a Catholic.

The danger is, some relationships persist on the basis of chemical attraction even when they are humanly and spiritually destructive.

It is good that you are praying.
May God guide you.
 
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with you attempting to get to know him better. Keep everything “above board” and ask him out.
 
Do not call him. Do not pursue him. You have a crush, and it will fade in time.

He is a colleague, and you should not pursue him through company channels. That can backfire and can have professional consequences.
 
If you know absolutely nothing about him other than the way he looks, you need to let it go. Especially if you don’t even know if he is married. If some girl was obsessing over my husband like this I’d be kind of irritated.

It’s just a random crush, and you are building this man up in your head and allowing your fantasies to interfere with your work life. Surely, this is not what God wants for you.
 
He could be awesome, for sure, but as another person said, pursuing him through company channels isn’t the best thing.

I don’t have any advice. Maybe he’s a nice Catholic guy. If he’s not Catholic, I wouldn’t pursue anything.

Hope everything turns out well for you. :hug1:
 
I’m kind of surprised some posters are telling you to run away and never look back. What would be wrong with getting to know him some more?
Here’s my response to some of the various objections I saw:
  1. yes, it’s work and that can get complicated professionally, but not necessarily. It’s totally dependent on your individual work situation. I know plenty of happy couples who met this way and it didn’t hurt their career at all
  2. Yes, it’s just chemical attraction at this point. But that is an important aspect of relationship. I’m not as dismissive of this phenomenon as many Catholics are. Your body sends you those signals for a reason. It may be good and it may be bad. You have to wait and see.
3, the age difference you mention doesn’t seem extreme at all to me
  1. If you find out he’s married, then of course you run the other way.
Bottom line: What is wrong with trying to get to know him more? Go out of your way to talk to him more next time you see him. I know you’re shy, but you’re just gonna have to fake it til you make it, so to speak. Try to talk to him and see what happens.
 
Schieffelin said:
I’m kind of surprised some posters are telling you to run away and never look back. What would be wrong with getting to know him some more?
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I think it’s because it appears to be an obsession. It’s one thing to say, “I saw this guy, I’m attracted to him but I don’t know anything about him. Should I initiate contact?” Ok, that’s fine.

It’s quite another to say things like:

“I have no idea what his interests or values are, or really anything substantial about him as a person, but I have literally not been able to stop thinking about him ever since I first saw him.”

“It is hard to function on a day-to-day level when my mind is preoccupied with this, and I very often have a great deal of emotional distress as well.”

This isn’t healthy. I agree that the work thing isn’t necessarily automatically an issue, but when thoughts of someone you don’t even know are affecting your life in such a negative way, it’s not usually a good thing. Letting it go would be healthier than continuing to obsess over it.
 
Pink_Lemonade said:
If you know absolutely nothing about him other than the way he looks, you need to let it go. Especially if you don’t even know if he is married. If some girl was obsessing over my husband like this I’d be kind of irritated.

It’s just a random crush, and you are building this man up in your head and allowing your fantasies to interfere with your work life. Surely, this is not what God wants for you.
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Yes, this. Get your rosary out and whenever a thought of this man comes into your mind, say a Hail Mary or a decade, and meditate on one of the mysteries. During Holy Week especially, your mind should be on Jesus, not a physical attraction to a co-worker.

Bad idea to fraternize. Bad, bad idea.
 
Pink_Lemonade said:
I think it’s because it appears to be an obsession. It’s one thing to say, “I saw this guy, I’m attracted to him but I don’t know anything about him. Should I initiate contact?” Ok, that’s fine.

It’s quite another to say things like:

“I have no idea what his interests or values are, or really anything substantial about him as a person, but I have literally not been able to stop thinking about him ever since I first saw him.”

“It is hard to function on a day-to-day level when my mind is preoccupied with this, and I very often have a great deal of emotional distress as well.”

This isn’t healthy. I agree that the work thing isn’t necessarily automatically an issue, but when thoughts of someone you don’t even know are affecting your life in such a negative way, it’s not usually a good thing. Letting it go would be healthier than continuing to obsess over it.
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Hmm, I understand what you’re saying. And you could be right that it’s an unhealthy obsession. I just don’t necessarily see that from what she’s posted here. I think it can be normal to be “infatuated” with someone early on and to not stop thinking about them. I definitely had trouble concentrating on work and other things after I first met my husband.

Like I said, that attraction for her may develop into something deeper and it may not. I still don’t see any real harm in getting to know him more. That would either dispel the fantasy for her and she would lose interest, or she would get to know him on a deeper level and it could turn into a good thing. :twocents:
 
Schieffelin said:
Hmm, I understand what you’re saying. And you could be right that it’s an unhealthy obsession. I just don’t necessarily see that from what she’s posted here. I think it can be normal to be “infatuated” with someone early on and to not stop thinking about them. I definitely had trouble concentrating on work and other things after I first met my husband.

Like I said, that attraction for her may develop into something deeper and it may not. I still don’t see any real harm in getting to know him more. That would either dispel the fantasy for her and she would lose interest, or she would get to know him on a deeper level and it could turn into a good thing. :twocents:
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How well did you already know your husband though, when you had trouble concentrating at work? I too has a bit “over the moon” with my husband when we first met, BUT I also already had gone out on at least one date with him. The OP hasn’t even had one good conversation with this man, doesn’t know one thing about him, even if he’s free to be in a relationship. Its a bit much from the details she’s given.

OP, I’d treat him for now just like any other collegue at work. If the opportunties present themselves that you form some kind of casual friendship with him and you are both free to pursue more, then perhaps it might be worth it. But right now, too many unknowns, and you also have any rules at work you much abide by. Its unhealthy to feel this much at this point. Take it to pray and adoration.
 
After reading through all the other replies, it seems that I am in the minority here. Good points were brought up in opposition to getting to know this man, but nothing (IMHO) that is definitive. Someone said that since this attraction is based on physical appearance, you should run away. Respectfully, I would disagree with that position since most relationships start with observing the person you will eventually say hello to and get to know. Some argue that because the situation has begun in the workplace you should avoid any unprofessional communication. Again, I don’t see where that matters unless there is a no dating policy for employees. Of course I don’t suggest pursuing contact via company computer or on company time, but certainly it cannot be an issue on break, lunch, or after work. Every relationship (okay most) start with an observation… someone catches your eye… etc. The idea that you must know them prior to being attracted to them physically isn’t natural. But again… this is just my opinion and I’m sure that many will be at odds with it. Whatever you decide, God bless.
 
PatriceA said:
How well did you already know your husband though, when you had trouble concentrating at work? I too has a bit “over the moon” with my husband when we first met, BUT I also already had gone out on at least one date with him. The OP hasn’t even had one good conversation with this man, doesn’t know one thing about him, even if he’s free to be in a relationship. Its a bit much from the details she’s given.

OP, I’d treat him for now just like any other collegue at work. If the opportunties present themselves that you form some kind of casual friendship with him and you are both free to pursue more, then perhaps it might be worth it. But right now, too many unknowns, and you also have any rules at work you much abide by. Its unhealthy to feel this much at this point. Take it to pray and adoration.
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I hardly knew him at all. He’s one of the only men I ever had the instant chemistry with. I just don’t see anything inherently wrong or suspicious about that. Different individuals’ relationships develop in different ways.

I think one of the reasons the OP has such strong emotions so early is that she’s never been romantically involved with a man. She should certainly proceed with caution; but I also think she should pursue trying to know him better.
 
Great food for thought, everyone! Thank you to each of you for your (name removed by moderator)ut. This has definitely formed a key concern in my prayer life of late, so if nothing else I can be at least grateful for yet another reason to have an ongoing dialogue with my God.

While I do feel my ultimate vocation is marriage, getting into a relationship is not the first priority right now in my life; if it happens, great! but discovering my Heavenly Father’s will for my life and growing in my faith is what’s on my plate today, followed by my various personal goals. So while some of what I said in the first post might sound extreme, my feet are still pretty firmly planted on the ground. I’m realistic enough to know that 1) he’d probably not be so intriguing upon closer inspection— and I’d actually be OK with that so I could be done with thinking of him; 2) I can respect him not being interested or available for a relationship and move on (as disappointing as it might be in the moment, it is only one moment in the grand scheme of things). We work in completely separate departments in different parts of town, so it wouldn’t be a burden to have to avoid him if things took a wrong turn.

The biggest thing I wanted to get from posting here was exactly this sort of encouragement to deal with this prayerfully instead of spinning my mind’s wheels over it (I always tend to overthink most everything in life)— and you’ve all given me that quite well 🙂

Thank you again, and I would greatly appreciate your keeping me in your prayers, as you are in mine.

Blessings this Holy Thursday!
 
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