Need some grief assistance

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The_Murray

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I’ll cut right to the woe is me.

My mother died while we were on vacation together right before classes started for me again. I’ve been having a very hard time adjusting since. It was very traumatic experience for me.

I was basically raised by a single parent, my mother, as my father way constantly in different states looking for work to support us all throughout my childhood.

It’s very devastating to me. I lack a lot of my motivation for school I once had, although I’m still achieving what I should. I just feel very alone. I am a convert to Catholicism so I don’t have any friends that are Catholic. All I have are evangelical friends, who happen to all be Christian leaders at their university, but all the only thing they do when I hang out with them is drink. The women in the christian group are all scantly dressed and partake in large amount of things I consider gravely sinful. It’s a bad influence being around them. It helps just being around people but I always feel left out now because I don’t partake in things I used to. It probably hurts more than it helps.

I’ve never had time to grieve properly. I was constantly surrounded by those I had to put a face on for immediately after my mother died (funeral activities and such). I think that hurts the most.

I can’t talk to anybody except a priest near my father’s home a few hours north of me, and I understand he has to deal with hundreds of cases like these so he can’t exactly single his attention towards me.

I feel very abandoned by those friends I used to call brothers and sisters. They all had the initial show of support at the funeral then dispersed after the funeral. I understand it’s hard to be around someone in severe mourning but the complete lack of support, that’s just painful.

It’s a far drive to my latin parish outside of Richmond so it’s hard to get involved with anything Catholic related. I just sit at my apartment doing work while in a severe state of grief most of the time. Maybe I’ll go DD for my evangelical friends when they go to the club Friday night, that’s about it though.

So i’m not really sure what to do 😦
I go to mass 4 times a week at the Cathedral. I normally show up about an hour early daily just to pray and try to grieve when there’s not tourist yapping. That’s about the only solace I have.

Pretty miserable situation. 😦 Loneliness and grief are quite the combination.

Anybody ever struggle through anything similar? Advice?
 
I’m so very sorry for the loss of your Mother. I’ll be praying for the repose of her soul. You said you go to the Cathedral 4x a week. Have you check if the Cathedral has a Bereavement Group that you are able to attend? I’ll be praying for you.
 
I can’t imagine what you are going through though my mother died a few years ago and I still miss her terribly… At least I was already out of school and on my own… You must be devastated. I’ll offer prayers for you in your loneliness. Hope you finish up your schooling with fantastic grades… God loves you even if He seems so far away.

Prayers.
 
I’m so sorry for your loss.

Since you are a student, do you have access to counseling services through your school?
 
The_Murray said:
I’ll cut right to the woe is me.

My mother died while we were on vacation together right before classes started for me again. I’ve been having a very hard time adjusting since. It was very traumatic experience for me.

I was basically raised by a single parent, my mother, as my father way constantly in different states looking for work to support us all throughout my childhood.

It’s very devastating to me. I lack a lot of my motivation for school I once had, although I’m still achieving what I should. I just feel very alone. I am a convert to Catholicism so I don’t have any friends that are Catholic. All I have are evangelical friends, who happen to all be Christian leaders at their university, but all the only thing they do when I hang out with them is drink. The women in the christian group are all scantly dressed and partake in large amount of things I consider gravely sinful. It’s a bad influence being around them. It helps just being around people but I always feel left out now because I don’t partake in things I used to. It probably hurts more than it helps.

I’ve never had time to grieve properly. I was constantly surrounded by those I had to put a face on for immediately after my mother died (funeral activities and such). I think that hurts the most.

I can’t talk to anybody except a priest near my father’s home a few hours north of me, and I understand he has to deal with hundreds of cases like these so he can’t exactly single his attention towards me.

I feel very abandoned by those friends I used to call brothers and sisters. They all had the initial show of support at the funeral then dispersed after the funeral. I understand it’s hard to be around someone in severe mourning but the complete lack of support, that’s just painful.

It’s a far drive to my latin parish outside of Richmond so it’s hard to get involved with anything Catholic related. I just sit at my apartment doing work while in a severe state of grief most of the time. Maybe I’ll go DD for my evangelical friends when they go to the club Friday night, that’s about it though.

So i’m not really sure what to do 😦
I go to mass 4 times a week at the Cathedral. I normally show up about an hour early daily just to pray and try to grieve when there’s not tourist yapping. That’s about the only solace I have.

Pretty miserable situation. 😦 Loneliness and grief are quite the combination.

Anybody ever struggle through anything similar? Advice?
Click to expand...
Look. I’ve been where you’re at. I mean it wasn’t my mother (although I’ve been cut off from her for years). It was someone I cared a lot about just the same. And the thing is that it can be quite scary. It can be scary to realize how quick everyone else is to just get back on with things. When all you want to do is hang on. To hang onto that place you’re at. So that you can take the time to rethink all of your thoughts.

Because now everything’s changed. Now all that you’d taken for granted has been upended. And no one really understands. This is not a two-day fix. This is not a week break. This time out can take months. It can take years. So man I’m feeling your pain. I’m pretty down about this. I mean my grief hit years ago. And yet only a couple of days ago I was going out of my mind about it. Again. So yeah. I know. I wish I could fix it for you. I wish I could say something. Anything. That would take away the pain. But I can’t. This is your dark moment. But I mean I’m here if you want to talk about it. If you want to talk about how it happened. If you want to talk about the way things were. If you want to share your worries about today. If you want to just scream in frustration. Doesn’t matter. I’m here man. Lean on me if you want. PM me.

Peace Murray. Let us have it. Both guns. If you need to. Anytime. You’re with friends.

-Trident
 
First, I am very sorry for your loss. It is very painful to lose someone you love dearly – especially a parent – and to then feel so very alone. The circumstances (on vacation) turn what is typically a happy and joyous time into a very sad and sorrowful time.

Is there a counseling center at your school? If there is, you may be able to get free or very low cost counseling services there. It is a place to start.

Is there a local Hospice in your community? Or hospital? Or church that offers a grief or bereavement program? A local funeral home? (yes, believe it or not, a funeral home often hires grief counselors.) Many times, such services are readily available for little to no cost.

When my mother died, I attended a grief program at a local Catholic parish. It was such a help to me, and I did not feel so very alone in my sadness. Many times, I see public service advertisement from Hospice and from a local hospital that also offer such services.

You may need to make some phone calls, ask around, search the internet, but there are these sorts of programs available. I would encourage you to take advantage of that help.

I wish you well – all the best. There is no need to go through this alone. And there are people who understand.
 
I’m very sorry for your loss. I don’t have much advice to give, but I will pray for you.
 
Although it is really uncomfortable, you kind of have to throw yourself at people and just say, help me. Don’t feel like a burden, because you aren’t.

But, frankly, if my wife’s grief when her brother died in a car wreck at 21is at all like your own, there is no easy fix to grief. You just have to live it. You are really clutching the Cross right now, and it feels awful. But the Cross is extremely close to Jesus, and so you don’t need to feel afraid or alone in your grief. If your friends are bad influences, don’t hang out with them simply because you are lonely.
 
**I am so sorry you are in such pain. :console:
I will keep you in my prayers dear one.

O loving God,
I bring you the burden of my sorrow.
The pain of my grief
is sometimes too much for me.
I ask, in the name of Jesus,
to learn the loving lessons
of Your plan
and to be consoled by the good
that flows from it.
Amen

Blessed Mother, please intercede for us.
Hold the sorrowful, strengthen the fearful,
mother and love the weary, abused, neglected
or forgotten among us,
give your aid to all needing help or healing,
assist those who are sick, in pain or suffering,
be with those needing peace,
console the lonely or brokenhearted,
comfort the lost or hopeless,
guard the unborn,
pray for those who are dying or who have died,
soften those with hardened hearts,
enlighten those who do not yet see truth,
help us be brave enough to let our hurt and anger go,
show us the way to do the right thing,
protect those who are in danger,
and guide us from every evil.
May all who keep your sacred commemoration
experience the might of your assistance.
Amen :gopray2:**
 
Our Father Who art in heaven
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy kingdom come on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trepass against us
Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil.
 
One thing I would suggest is not spending copious amounts of time in meditation. I don’t know how your spiritual life is, but when I was at my darkest I found that hours of quiet prayer made it worse. I would get wrapped up in my thoughts and prayer became no more than contemplation of my misery. It took me looking up and out of myself to find some relief. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it makes everything better, but finding things to do for others can make it slightly less painful. In prayer, I needed to focus on the Bible and the rosary without too much meditation, and it was hard. Once I learned how to pray differently, and found work to do for others, the relief slowly crept in. Now a year later, I’m almost normal and I can laugh and smile again. I hope that for you too.
 
The_Murray said:
I’ll cut right to the woe is me.

My mother died while we were on vacation together right before classes started for me again. I’ve been having a very hard time adjusting since. It was very traumatic experience for me.

I was basically raised by a single parent, my mother, as my father way constantly in different states looking for work to support us all throughout my childhood.

It’s very devastating to me. I lack a lot of my motivation for school I once had, although I’m still achieving what I should. I just feel very alone. I am a convert to Catholicism so I don’t have any friends that are Catholic. All I have are evangelical friends, who happen to all be Christian leaders at their university, but all the only thing they do when I hang out with them is drink. The women in the christian group are all scantly dressed and partake in large amount of things I consider gravely sinful. It’s a bad influence being around them. It helps just being around people but I always feel left out now because I don’t partake in things I used to. It probably hurts more than it helps.

I’ve never had time to grieve properly. I was constantly surrounded by those I had to put a face on for immediately after my mother died (funeral activities and such). I think that hurts the most.

I can’t talk to anybody except a priest near my father’s home a few hours north of me, and I understand he has to deal with hundreds of cases like these so he can’t exactly single his attention towards me.

I feel very abandoned by those friends I used to call brothers and sisters. They all had the initial show of support at the funeral then dispersed after the funeral. I understand it’s hard to be around someone in severe mourning but the complete lack of support, that’s just painful.

It’s a far drive to my latin parish outside of Richmond so it’s hard to get involved with anything Catholic related. I just sit at my apartment doing work while in a severe state of grief most of the time. Maybe I’ll go DD for my evangelical friends when they go to the club Friday night, that’s about it though.

So i’m not really sure what to do 😦
I go to mass 4 times a week at the Cathedral. I normally show up about an hour early daily just to pray and try to grieve when there’s not tourist yapping. That’s about the only solace I have.

Pretty miserable situation. 😦 Loneliness and grief are quite the combination.

Anybody ever struggle through anything similar? Advice?
Click to expand...
Is there a Newman Center at your campus? You can meet other Catholic students from your school there and ask the priest to recommend grief counseling for you. You can also check with Student Health Services about grief counseling, call the office at the Cathedral and check with your local Catholic Charities. I am very sorry for your loss; you don’t have to feel alone in this; help is out there for you. My father passed away 3 years ago and I still can’t get completely over it, yet.
 
The_Murray said:
I’ve never had time to grieve properly. I was constantly surrounded by those I had to put a face on for immediately after my mother died (funeral activities and such). I think that hurts the most.
Click to expand...
My heart bleeds for you. I had my first major loss 1 week before my 13th birthday. All I wanted to do was sit in a chair for 10 minutes and collect my thoughts. But no, everyone was in my face and I learnt quickly to put on the face that was expected of me because NO ONE wanted to really hear my true feelings
The_Murray said:
I feel very abandoned by those friends I used to call brothers and sisters. They all had the initial show of support at the funeral then dispersed after the funeral. I understand it’s hard to be around someone in severe mourning but the complete lack of support, that’s just painful.
Click to expand...
I hear you. Younger people just don’t know how to respond to death and they just would rather go on with their lives. Death really is one of those times where you find out who your real friends are.

And as much as I wish I had the magic words to take all your pain away, I don’t. All I have to give you is honesty. It will take a LONG time to heal. But the more you accept you are in grief and stop fighting the feelings, the easier it will be.

My suggestions 1-) Doing a pilgrimage if possible. They work wonders. The last one I did was to a Saint I was not found of but it was the closest shrine to wear I live and the most economical. I know have a new favorite saint 🙂

2-) Perhaps taking up a hobby or volunteer (by yourself, not with your old friends). Spend time doing something you always wanted to try but never got around to

Hugs

Angie
 
The Murray,

It has been a couple days since you posted in this thread. I am sorry for your loss and hope you are doing as well as can be expected.

I can very much identify with what Myst wrote.

The following is from the Epilogue (pg. 147) of Arise from Darkness by the late Fr. Benedict Groeschel, C.F.R.

There are very few remedies in human experience that always work. In the case of great disappointment and intense sorrows, there is one remedy that works infallibly, so long as this remedy is applied carefully and consistently. This is to get out of yourself and help someone else. Long ago I memorized a line from somewhere, “Save another’s soul, and it will save your own.” I think that the self-preservation implied in this statement fits in well with our Lord’s admonition, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The works of mercy are like so many doses of medication for the wounded heart.
 
I also know what real loneliness is. I suffered it for 28 years. I turned to God as my Father (who He truly is) I survived, I am now 83, not expected to live much longer. So as a consequence of my loneliness, my Faith became stronger. And in that Faith I know that many of those true friends are in Heaven, very much alive, and so is your mother. And I learned that I was not truly alone, but it was a painful experience. I felt that I became stronger because of the experience. You are young, and time will heal you, Keep close to Christ in all of your sorrows and joys for you will experience joy, God loves you and your mother, she is not dead, but very much alive. Think positive thoughts, what would your mother want you to do? God love you, and find peace in Him, your mother is united with Him.
 
I lost my mom two years ago and shortly after, my dad also. No one ever prepares you for the death of a loved one. The panic starts when they close the casket, you realize you will never see them again.

I tried contacting a Catholic bereavement group, but it wasn’t open to new participants, then why advertise!?!?

I have my sister I can talk to. She will call me when she is having a bad day and vice versa. We talk about mom and dad. That helps. Do you have family you can talk to? It helps to talk about your loved ones that are not living anymore. I have masses said for them. I bring flowers to church for them. I have their pictures in my prayer corner, my mom used to keep pictures of her deceased family on her prayer altar, too.

Your mom was real, don’t let her memory fade, tell her you love her and miss her. I am sorry she is no longer here with you.

God bless.
 
The_Murray said:
I’ll cut right to the woe is me.

My mother died while we were on vacation together right before classes started for me again.
Click to expand...
Wow. 😦

That’s enough to throw anyone for a loop.

The funeral home where you did her funeral should have counseling services available. If they didn’t offer them to you at the time of the funeral, just call them up again and ask. Mention that you’re having trouble fitting in at school, and feeling left out of things you used to enjoy, as well as experiencing a very natural sense of shock and grief.

Mention that you’re Catholic, as well - I don’t know whether they will match you with a Catholic counselor, but they will at least find someone who isn’t hostile to religion.
 
I am so sorry for your loss! :console:

I also lost my mother at a younger age and you never get over it, but it can get easier. I’ve also most recently lost a child and, like you, haven’t been able to get through this one quite as easily. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. :hug3:
 
Sorry it took me so long to reply back to this thread. It’s hard.

I’ve looked into a few bereavement groups in the local parishes but they sadly all overlap with my classes.

As some of you suggested, I should join some sort of a catholic group. It is hard though. I’m still not really myself. I’m not exactly feeling overly social and not knowing anybody walking into a large group can be sort of intimidating. I’m not even a generally a timid person. Just not sure how’d I really do. I’d hate to be “that person.”

Thanks for the wise words, prayers, and support. Every post has helped in its own way.
 
Being social is difficult when you’re in mourning. It’s also necessary. Tough spot. 😦
 
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