Need Some Help with Girlfriend

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I am looking for some advice in a few areas regarding my girlfriend. We have been dating for over a year and-a-half and it is my intention to marry her. She had been on the birth control pill for several years, and we struggled with some of the issues this caused for a while. I prayed a 54-day Rosary asking for Mary’s help and low and behold, my girlfriend ended up telling me she had come off the pill several months ago. So now she has been off the pill for 4 months or so, and she is feeling some negative side effects. For one, she has become much more emotional, prone to crying and bouts of sadness. She has also experience some physical side effects such as some acne and unpleasant experiences with her menstrual cycle. I was hopeful that perhaps this would subside but after several months, it has not. My girlfriend is also a unique case because she suffered a brain injury years ago following a car accident. Since that time, she has been on an anti-depressant (which she is still on) due to the fact that the doctor told her that her brain would no longer produce one of the hormones. However, she also feels that the birth control pill has been vital in helping her cope with her brain injury, so coming off of it has been very stressful for her and has caused some depression. She has already discussed the possibility of having to go back on the birth control pill, which present obvious problems. And she has also discussed the idea of maybe having to go on another anti-depressant to counteract the negative effects of coming off the pill. So I am looking for some references for good, trustworthy Catholic doctors and other sources who may be able to help us with this situation.

Additionally, and on a related note, my girlfriend has not been happy with our relationship lately. She was not a practicing Catholic before meeting me, and has really been struggling to deal with the lack of physical intimacy. I do try to be close to her as much as I can, giving her occasional massages, hugs, kisses, and holding her when I can. She also loves that I pamper her as much as I do and try to go out of my way to do everything I can for her. But she feels that there is something “missing”, and really struggles with the lack of a sexual relationship. She also has a sense that I don’t physically desire her and that it seems very easy for me to go without sex and try to be a good Catholic in this sense. I always try to explain just how much I love her and what she means to me, but it is not believable to her because she doesn’t see how I can “go without” as easily as it seems I do. She feels we have a rather “platonic” relationship and her attitude about us has really plunged in recent months. I’ve had a very hard time dealing with these issues and figuring out how to be the man I need to be for her.

So I am looking for some references to help with these above issues. I want to marry this girl, and we have made so much progress throughout our relationship. But there is still a long way to go, and I am also fearful of losing her. She really means everything to me, and I have expressed all of this to her.

These types of experiences have contributed greatly to my general disgust for 99% of the population’s utter disregard for God’s laws. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, believes that sex is not only normal in any adult relationship, but expected. Everyone believes that if an adult couple is NOT having sex, then something is wrong. I am tired and disgusted with the fact that far less than 1% of the population actually accepts the Truth, and this has also greatly contributed to problems I have had with being overly judgmental. I try to take a more charitable approach when discussing these issues with my girlfriend about every single other adult couple that is having sex. I also have a very good Catholic friend and his fiancé, but it is a touchy situation to rely on them to help me and my girlfriend because my girlfriend tends to feel a bit uncomfortable and insecure with them. But I digress.
 
steve975 said:
I am looking for some advice in a few areas regarding my girlfriend. We have been dating for over a year and-a-half and it is my intention to marry her. She had been on the birth control pill for several years, and we struggled with some of the issues this caused for a while. I prayed a 54-day Rosary asking for Mary’s help and low and behold, my girlfriend ended up telling me she had come off the pill several months ago. So now she has been off the pill for 4 months or so, and she is feeling some negative side effects. For one, she has become much more emotional, prone to crying and bouts of sadness. She has also experience some physical side effects such as some acne and unpleasant experiences with her menstrual cycle. I was hopeful that perhaps this would subside but after several months, it has not. My girlfriend is also a unique case because she suffered a brain injury years ago following a car accident. Since that time, she has been on an anti-depressant (which she is still on) due to the fact that the doctor told her that her brain would no longer produce one of the hormones. However, she also feels that the birth control pill has been vital in helping her cope with her brain injury, so coming off of it has been very stressful for her and has caused some depression. She has already discussed the possibility of having to go back on the birth control pill, which present obvious problems. And she has also discussed the idea of maybe having to go on another anti-depressant to counteract the negative effects of coming off the pill. So I am looking for some references for good, trustworthy Catholic doctors and other sources who may be able to help us with this situation.

Additionally, and on a related note, my girlfriend has not been happy with our relationship lately. She was not a practicing Catholic before meeting me, and has really been struggling to deal with the lack of physical intimacy. I do try to be close to her as much as I can, giving her occasional massages, hugs, kisses, and holding her when I can. She also loves that I pamper her as much as I do and try to go out of my way to do everything I can for her. But she feels that there is something “missing”, and really struggles with the lack of a sexual relationship. She also has a sense that I don’t physically desire her and that it seems very easy for me to go without sex and try to be a good Catholic in this sense. I always try to explain just how much I love her and what she means to me, but it is not believable to her because she doesn’t see how I can “go without” as easily as it seems I do. She feels we have a rather “platonic” relationship and her attitude about us has really plunged in recent months. I’ve had a very hard time dealing with these issues and figuring out how to be the man I need to be for her.

So I am looking for some references to help with these above issues. I want to marry this girl, and we have made so much progress throughout our relationship. But there is still a long way to go, and I am also fearful of losing her. She really means everything to me, and I have expressed all of this to her.

These types of experiences have contributed greatly to my general disgust for 99% of the population’s utter disregard for God’s laws. Everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, believes that sex is not only normal in any adult relationship, but expected. Everyone believes that if an adult couple is NOT having sex, then something is wrong. I am tired and disgusted with the fact that far less than 1% of the population actually accepts the Truth, and this has also greatly contributed to problems I have had with being overly judgmental. I try to take a more charitable approach when discussing these issues with my girlfriend about every single other adult couple that is having sex. I also have a very good Catholic friend and his fiancé, but it is a touchy situation to rely on them to help me and my girlfriend because my girlfriend tends to feel a bit uncomfortable and insecure with them. But I digress.
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First, off let’s talk about the birth control pill issue. While developed to prevent conception, the hormones in the pill can be used to treat other issues. If she was using them strictly to prevent pregnancy, then she would not have the other physical issues. If you had a solid relationship, I’d say let her go back on the pill.

However, here’s the other issue, I assume she was sexually active before she met you. The two of you have only been dating for 18 months. Do you know anything about her previous relationships? It could be that this is her shelf-life for relationships. In previous relationships I had a relationship shelf-life of 3 years from first date to looking for someone else. She could be looking for an out. It could be that her previous relationships involved sex and that could be how she determines the value of the relationship and also her own self esteem. I’ve known a lot of women like that. If she’s tiring of the relationship and doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, she could be exaggerating the severity of the symptoms to justify going back on the pill. That would enable her to find a sexual relationship with someone else and then end the relationship with you.

You’ve been dating for 18 months, approximately 540 days and you’re planning to marry her already? Slow down. If you have to compromise your values to make her happy, she’s not the right one for you.
 
ntenaglia said:
First, off let’s talk about the birth control pill issue. While developed to prevent conception, the hormones in the pill can be used to treat other issues. If she was using them strictly to prevent pregnancy, then she would not have the other physical issues. If you had a solid relationship, I’d say let her go back on the pill.
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Actually, I’m very glad she got off the pill because it is against our belief as Catholics to use contraception.

ewtn.com/library/BISHOPS/FLAVIN.HTM
 
lil_flower_luv said:
Actually, I’m very glad she got off the pill because it is against our belief as Catholics to use contraception.

ewtn.com/library/BISHOPS/FLAVIN.HTM
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I understand that and perhaps her dr. can prescribe hormones to treat the other issues. I’m simply saying that sometimes contraceptive pills are prescribed for reasons other than contraception. I had fibroid cysts about 20 years ago. I was menstruating every two weeks. 1 week bleeding, 1 week not. Next week I’d start another “period”. To regulate the bleeding, the dr. put me on birth control pills. It wasn’t necessary for contraception because I’d had my tubes clamped after my second child because I didn’t want any more children with the abusive idiot I was married to.

I do think the issue here with this couple goes much deeper than whether or not she’s on the pill.
 
ntenaglia said:
I understand that and perhaps her dr. can prescribe hormones to treat the other issues. I’m simply saying that sometimes contraceptive pills are prescribed for reasons other than contraception. I had fibroid cysts about 20 years ago. I was menstruating every two weeks. 1 week bleeding, 1 week not. Next week I’d start another “period”. To regulate the bleeding, the dr. put me on birth control pills. It wasn’t necessary for contraception because I’d had my tubes clamped after my second child because I didn’t want any more children with the abusive idiot I was married to.

I do think the issue here with this couple goes much deeper than whether or not she’s on the pill.
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I think the health issue part is a ‘fine line’ sort of thing. I’d have to check the CCC to be extra sure, though. I’ve known people in my life who have been on the pill, and all they’ve experienced is more physical problems than less. It depends on their doctor, too. Thank you for informing me!
 
Need Some Help with Girlfriend …

look for information with pro-life doctors in your area. They should be a great resource.

The issues you have with your girlfriend are called red flags :eek: for you NOT to marry her. You are not on the same page as far as your faith walk. Be not afraid to lose her. Look for a woman with your same values. She IS out there. 👍

From what you have said it doesn’t seem like she is that into you.

REFERENCES: ***Genuine Friendship **The Foundation for all Personal Relationships, including Marriage and the Relationship with GOD *by Father Philip D. Halfacre

I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships And Romance: by Joshua Harris
 
ntenaglia said:
It wasn’t necessary for contraception because I’d had my tubes clamped after my second child because I didn’t want any more children with the abusive idiot I was married to.
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I’m so sorry you had to endure that! I will pray for you!
ntenaglia said:
I do think the issue here with this couple goes much deeper than whether or not she’s on the pill.
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And yes, their issue does go deeper, but this is a factor, especially if it has to do with preventing the forming of new life.
 
lil_flower_luv said:
I’m so sorry you had to endure that! I will pray for you!

And yes, their issue does go deeper, but this is a factor, especially if it has to do with preventing the forming of new life.
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Oh, I agree, because she obviously was on the pill prior to this relationship and I suspect she figured he’d fall into the sex trap before this. She obviously was using the pill for contraception and that is unfortunate.
 
Leticia said:
Need Some Help with Girlfriend …

look for information with pro-life doctors in your area. They should be a great resource.

The issues you have with your girlfriend are called red flags :eek: for you NOT to marry her. You are not on the same page as far as your faith walk. Be not afraid to lose her. Look for a woman with your same values. She IS out there. 👍

From what you have said it doesn’t seem like she is that into you.

REFERENCES: ***Genuine Friendship ***The Foundation for all Personal Relationships, including Marriage and the Relationship with GOD by Father Philip D. Halfacre

I Kissed Dating Goodbye: A New Attitude Toward Relationships And Romance: by Joshua Harris
Click to expand...
*I tend to agree with this post.

steve–I think your gf sounds a bit insecure, you mention it in your post towards the end, as well. I have a strong hunch that is what is guiding her sexual feelings. Yes, she wants to be intimate with you, but it’s guided by her insecurity. She looks at sex with you, as a way to gain your love, attention, etc. Without it, she seems to be struggling with trusting that you love her. PERHAPS, over time, she will get past this, but I would try to look at it from that point of view, than she just wants to have sex. Because while teaching her about God’s healthy plan for sex is a good idea, it isn’t what is eating at her. I think it’s a deep rooted insecurity with herself. I can’t say for sure if you should let this girl go, but I would not push away these red flags. While you sound strong in your faith, you’re human. Being around someone who subtly pressures you about sex, day in and day out, can be tempting. Just be careful. I will pray for you both. *
 
Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate your help.

I would also like to add that I think the progress this girl has made during our time together has been remarkable. Getting back to the Church and coming off the birth control pill are two very huge steps in my humble opinion, as well as continuing this relationship with the difficulties of remaining chaste.

As one poster mentioned, this issue seems to reflect a bit of insecurity on her part, which I fully believe is true. She does not believe that I love her as much as I do, or that I am physically attracted to her as much as I am, because of the sex issue. In the world we live in, despite my worthlessness without the grace of God, I am one of an extreme few who accepts and tries to live a truly Catholic life. It seems that it is all but impossible for certain people, my girlfriend included, to comprehend how someone can live a life which in their eyes seems so unbelievably extreme and difficult. So it’s hard for her to see how much I do care for her when I am able to resist the sexual urges that 99.9% of the population acts upon with the attitude that it is expected. She has actually had friends ask her how she stays loyal with me in a relationship with no sex. This reflects the sad and pathetic state of affairs of our world. But given the progress my girlfriend has already made, I won’t refuse to hope that there is a future for us. And if not, I have a hard time reconciling this with our call to bring others into the Faith. Would my girlfriend have come off the pill and made the progress she has for nothing? My girlfriend, although not a strict Catholic before, is exceptional for her kind, warm, cute and moral personality. Despite not being a strict Catholic, my girlfriend always has been head and shoulders above the vast majority of the population regarding her moral and upstanding character. If a person like this cannot come around to the Faith, I have a hard time believing there is hope for anyone who isn’t already a true Catholic.

I am also looking for some references for good, trustworthy Catholic doctors and other sources who may be able to help us with this situation. I have seen a link on this site before for some Catholic site that has information on trustworthy doctors. Does anyone know what that link is?
 
Actually it’s NOT against the teaching of the Church for her to be on the pill if it is for medical reasons other than contraception. From the medical issues you are describing it sounds like that may be the case.

It’s permissible because the primary effect is healing, the secondary effect is contraception.

Also it sounds like not only was she sexually active but that you guys were together as well… is that correct?

One of the things I said on another thread regarding attraction and marriage was that it depends on the person. If both partners are ok with very little sex then those relationships work. However when one person seems to want that more than the other on a consistent basis then you will have problems.

Can God give the couple the grace to get through that? Yes, but why put that burden on yourself or possible spouse - find someone who you will be in sync with…

I say this because my guess is that is her worry right now. That once you are married you won’t want to have sex as often as she needs it. You guys need to talk about this… I have only known 2 guys in my entire life who weren’t ready to be with their wives at ever possibly opportunity… but because of those 2 I know it happens. If you are not one of those guys, you need to reassure her of your desires for her but within the bonds of marriage. If she can’t respect that… well… I think you know you might should look for something else.

However I believe if you open it up like that and that is indeed the issue… then she will probably be able to respect that.

Prayerfully,
Joe
 
steve975 said:
Thanks for the replies everyone. I appreciate your help.

I would also like to add that I think the progress this girl has made during our time together has been remarkable. Getting back to the Church and coming off the birth control pill are two very huge steps in my humble opinion, as well as continuing this relationship with the difficulties of remaining chaste.

As one poster mentioned, this issue seems to reflect a bit of insecurity on her part, which I fully believe is true. She does not believe that I love her as much as I do, or that I am physically attracted to her as much as I am, because of the sex issue. In the world we live in, despite my worthlessness without the grace of God, I am one of an extreme few who accepts and tries to live a truly Catholic life. It seems that it is all but impossible for certain people, my girlfriend included, to comprehend how someone can live a life which in their eyes seems so unbelievably extreme and difficult. So it’s hard for her to see how much I do care for her when I am able to resist the sexual urges that 99.9% of the population acts upon with the attitude that it is expected. She has actually had friends ask her how she stays loyal with me in a relationship with no sex. This reflects the sad and pathetic state of affairs of our world. But given the progress my girlfriend has already made, I won’t refuse to hope that there is a future for us. And if not, I have a hard time reconciling this with our call to bring others into the Faith. Would my girlfriend have come off the pill and made the progress she has for nothing? My girlfriend, although not a strict Catholic before, is exceptional for her kind, warm, cute and moral personality. Despite not being a strict Catholic, my girlfriend always has been head and shoulders above the vast majority of the population regarding her moral and upstanding character. If a person like this cannot come around to the Faith, I have a hard time believing there is hope for anyone who isn’t already a true Catholic.

I am also looking for some references for good, trustworthy Catholic doctors and other sources who may be able to help us with this situation. I have seen a link on this site before for some Catholic site that has information on trustworthy doctors. Does anyone know what that link is?
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Steve -

First off, I just want to offer empathy for your situation. I know what it’s like to feel like you’ve found the person you want to marry, but be met with obstacles! In regards to the pill… brain injury complicates things, but regardless, there are lots of woman who struggle with hormonal fluctuations. I can empathize here in that for about half the month I am a happy, carefree person, and the other half, I struggle with mild depression, anxiety, etc. And there have been plenty of times when I’ve been keenly aware that because I am Catholic, I have a “disadvantage” compared to other women who can just go to their dr and get a prescription and their symptoms will subside.

I don’t have any great resources to offer you in regards to dr’s except to encourage your girlfriend to start making phone calls and getting references. Not all dr’s are created equal, and finding a really good dr that supports your values will make a HUGE difference in treatment of any kind for any sort of issue.

In regards to physical touch… that’s a toughie and I totally empathize with being frustrated at the world and how it infects everything. If she is pretty new to the faith, this will be tough for her to embrace on an emotional level as she has been living so differently for so long. I know it was tough for me when I converted… I intellectually knew it was right to be chaste, but emotionally it was like… he must not love me!!! Finding the right dr and sorting out the emotional roller coaster will also help with this.

All I can say is, find ways to show love to her that “speak her language” in a chaste way to help ease that pain. In marriage, it will be different because well, chastity is a different kind of set-up in marriage! Wish you the best…
 
Reading your post reminded me a lot of my relationship with my boyfriend. He has recently become Catholic and I’m kinda just trying it out. Before this we used to have a physical aspect to our relationship but after his new faith, I agreed that we didn’t need to do that. Every once in a while, the fact that we don’t do physical things anymore really starts to bother me and I can completely understand your girlfriend’s feelings.

Have you ever tried talking to her about how much it would upset you if you two were physical? What made me realize that I could be without the physical was when my boyfriend and I crossed the line that we promised we wouldn’t. It made me feel very guilty and I saw how upset it made him. I knew that my love for him and wanting to respect myself were more important than some fleeting pleasure.

Another thing you could try that has worked for me is reading books about chastity and purity. One book that might be good for your girlfriend, depending on how old she is, is Every Young Woman’s Battle. After reading it it made me feel like I wanted to be pure, not only for my boyfriend, but for myself. If you guys are going to have a successful and pure relationship then she has to want it for herself, she can’t just want to change for you because it will never stick. A few other books that you could also look into are Good News About Sex and Marriage and Real Love by Mary Beth Bonacci.

The best thing I think you can do is be really open with her about your feelings and how it would hurt you and go against your faith to engage in physical things. You should also make sure to tell her how much you love her and find her attractive and desire her. Remind her that the reason you don’t want to be physical is because you love her so much that you want to save that gift for when you two are married–then it will be amazing! Whenever my boyfriend reminds me of these things it shows me how much he loves me and how serious he is about our relationship.

Good luck! 👍
 
Having had experience with family members and close friends who are TBI survivors, I would suggest you take a long, serious look at this relationship. Seek out spiritual direction, if you could find a Priest who is familiar with TBI all the better.

The brain is a very complex thing and it may be possible that this young lady would be hindered by her injury from making the commitment required to be validly married.

If nothing else, you are entering marriage with an extra burden. Without a miracle from heaven, she will never be “fixed”. Spouses of TBI people end up taking more the role of a parent than a spouse much of the time.

Her insecurity sounds right - it usually goes one way or the other, bravado or insecurity, and issues with sex are part and parcel for TBI as well.

Pray hard and get to a good Priest.
 
Steve,

Many posters have given good advice about prayer and other resources for your relationship with your girlfriend, and all in all I think that your whole relationship probably hinges on her expectations for the physical aspect of your relationship. If the two of you aren’t on the same page about sex and chastity, you need to get there, or the relationship isn’t going anywhere, and this goes for everyone who’s ever dated. It’s hard and countercultural to still expect to save sex for marriage, but people do succeed at it (DH and I were 21 and 22 when we married, and were both virgins!).

At any rate-- I wanted to respond more specifically to your girlfriend’s thought that going off of the Pill might be causing her depression relapse. I know that depression is complex, but my understanding has always been that depression is a side effect of being on the Pill. This is because the levels of hormones introduced into a woman’s body when she is on the Pill have much broader effects on her body than simply controlling her cycles. The fertility cycle as God created it is an elaborate and intricate system, and the Pill is like a wrecking ball that comes in and just smashes it to bits, with many effects on a woman physically and psychologically. I don’t think I’m exaggerating in this, and doctors have started realizing this fact–hence the flourishing of more scientifically-based and tested versions of NFP, such as the Creighton Model and Naprotechnology.

Check out this video from a Naprotechnology doctor who explains the negative side effects of the Pill and how it has been prescribed by OB-GYNs for decades to “treat” many medical conditions, when it really does nothing of the sort. THE PILL IS NOT A TREATMENT. It does not address the root causes of any gynecological disorder, and while it may lessen some symptoms (such as heavy cramping), it does not eliminate them or prevent them from recurring later.

Just something to share with your girlfriend! God bless you both!
 
Hi Steve, I just wanted to add some of my perspective in case it might be helpful to you. I was previously in a relationship with a Catholic who, well, wasn’t really a practicing one. The issues with my ex were quite different than your girlfriend’s but the similar concept of dating a non-practicing Catholic is still there. I spent almost a year with him, hoping and hoping that he would eventually start practicing the faith. He felt unappreciated when I wanted to stop having physical relations, it was difficult not being on the same page. It wasn’t until I ended up pregnant that I finally realized that this guy was a long way from growing and maturing into a humble, faithful Catholic. The point I am trying to make is that no matter how much you feel for this girl, you really don’t know how long it is going to take for her to come around. I am assuming you are still pretty young which means that you have PLENTY of time to find a good wife. If you two were already married, the situation would be different. I am not saying you should give up on this relationship but I think you should ask yourself this and be honest with yourself:

Is this girl worth waiting your whole life for? Is she someone who can respect everything about you, your faith especially?

Without respect, the relationship either wont last or it will eat you alive.

Personally, I prefer not to be in a relationship that is spiritually unbalanced. If I was feeling pressured to go against my core beliefs by someone I would first let them know how I feel and then if they didn’t stop, I would definitely break up with them. I have been in enough dysfunctional relationships to know that it ain’t worth waiting for someone who can’t/wont respect/love you the way God does. That’s just how I feel about that.

I really feel for this girl, she must be going through a lot. If I were you I would definitely keep praying for her:). However I think you should analyze whether being with her is helping or hindering her progress. She might be better off being single so she can straighten herself out.
 
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