Need some ideas to help my sister

[MrsMeganMc]

Well, I will start by giving you a bit of background.

My sister is two years older than me. We have had completely separate lives. She always struggled in school, she made poor decisions, she had my nephew when she was 19. She is unmarried, hasn’t finished college and lives at home with my parents.

I have had a truly blessed life - far beyond what I deserve. I was always a pretty smart person. Went to college and even got my Masters degree. I am a CPA and I was married just over a year ago.

She has told me before that she is resentful of what I have.

It has put a strain on our relationship.

I think I have always felt the need to protect her - I don’t like to tell her things about me as I don’t want to rub it in her face. Meanwhile - she has always kind of annoyed me - as I think she feels the need to impress me - so she constantly talks my ear off.

I will admit - I have not been a good sister.

I have always had this great life - and although I do try to shield her from this - I have struggled with walking around with a sense of pride.

I want to be able to help her, to be there for her, but for whatever reason - it is just really hard for me.

Can someone offer me some advice - what is the best way to mend this broken relationship given the circumstances.

Thanks!

 

[Epistemes]

Hello,

I forget your history, but I seem to remember that you were born and raised Catholic – so therefore I will assume that you sister has a Catholic background, too…

…meaning she is more than just your sister by flesh and blood, but also your spiritual sister, as well, who should be united with you in Christ!

God has indeed blessed you with a prosperous, well-functioning life, but you must remember that you are a Catholic first, a child of God, a sister of Jesus Christ, Our Mutual Brother, before you are anything else.

And so is your sister.

 

[wcknight]

You have the same problem that a lot of successful siblings have with some not so successful siblings.

I have the same deal but with 3 or 4 of my other brothers and sisters. Luckily only one of which has an attitude similar to your sister. I think the best way to deal with it is to have a talk with her (that’s easier said than done. I haven’t talked to my envious sibling).

Offer her help if she needs it, but explain to her that God gave you different circumstances. You did the best with what you had and she didn’t. She is paying the price for her poor choices.

I tell my kids, life is not always fair. Some people seem to get all the breaks while other folks have to struggle. You can only play the cards that your dealt as best as you can.

IF she needs a helping hand she should be grateful that she does have her parents (and maybe you) to help her out a little. Some other folks do not have any support system. Long term she needs to become self sufficient and she needs to provide for her child. (if you are really prosperous and generous you could help her with her nephew’s education).

Life is tough for some, but she is paying the price for her own poor choices. Ask her, what it is that she expects of you ? Does she expect you to suffer because of her predicament ?

In my case, my sibling was resentful that I had a larger house than his, even though he was much older and had more kids than me.

 

[damooster]

This may sound cheesy, but my old company commander in the Army used to tell us “If you want to be successful, watch what successful people do.”

No one wants to come off as being conceited or boastful, but your success may one day inspire your sister to do something with her life. My sister sounds exactly like your sister (except she’s 11 months younger than me) but recently she’s been asking me for advice and help as opposed to telling me how much she envies me. She just enrolled in college (I couldn’t be happier)!

It sounds like your sister may be talking your ear off because she wants your approval? Maybe she needs to know that she matters to you.

I don’t know; that’s just my two cents. Good luck!

 

[wcknight]

It’s tough to know what to do with envious relatives. Maybe she is looking for some help or advice or attention as the previous post says. Or maybe she just want to bring you down a notch to make you feel guilty.

When my brother commented on my home, I wanted to snap back that it wasn’t my fault that my wife and I worked hard, went to college while he and his wife didn’t. What was I supposed to do ? swap houses with him because he had a bigger family and had lower income. I don’t know what they are trying to achieve.

I guess they want you to feel bad because they feel cheated by misfortune or different circumstances. Personally I don’t feel guilty but I feel sorry that they have to be so envious that they sound pretty pathetic.

I know God could have made me less ambitious and less talented, so things could have been easily reversed. But that is not the way things are. My brother is not poor by any means, but he is not rich either. IF he really needed help, I would help him. I guess they expect someone to add up their assets and divide it equally with them.

 

[wcknight]

What you may do is take your sister and her nephew out to dinner once in a while (with or without your parents. One of my other siblings and I are very close, and even though we make substantially more, we get along fabulously. When they were going through tougher times, we picked up the check (now that they are back on their feet, we alternate).

It may not smooth things out but it could start up conversations that would reveal what her real agenda is.

 

[chewchoo]

i know you’re looking at the spiritual side of things based on your placement of this thread, but… how old is your sister? can she support herself?
i have a relative who is 60 and he has never supported himself. his parents supported him, bailed him out, etc, again and again. now that they are gone he is expecting the same treatment from his siblings. he cries that he doesn’t own anything and yet he refuses to help himself.
so, based on that story, how much does your sister help herself? she needs to be able to care for herself first. part of that care can be in the form of spiritual growth as well.
prayers for your sister and you and your family.

 

[Tarek_Chidiac]

As you know … All troubles can be solved with LOVE. May I remembre you Love that have led the Son of God to death four our salvation, to put us out of troubles?
I feel you love your sister,reason why you want to be able to help her, to be there for her.
Perhaps if you let her see your love to her and to her child, your mutual relationship will begin to be mended.
What about beeing nearer, closer to her? asking about her life, her futur? Let her feel that you care about her and your nephew.
And, in the other side, What about sharing with her your own problems? asking her for advice. let her feel that she is a good, wise person, and that you are proude of her.
I admire your feeling that you need to protect her. What about letting her feel the same responsability toward you?
A last word … Remembre to forgive your sister not seven times, but seventy-seven times (Matthew 18:22.).
Warmly Tarek

 

[DJgang]

You are a CPA … I actually feel so sorry for my CPA and that’s one bill that I don’t mind paying!

Anyway …

No advice. I have a sister in law that is very envious of us … I wouldn’t say that our relationship is totally broken.

I know it’s hard for you, so you are in my prayers!

God bless! Dana

 

[forever_always]

Well, I will start by giving you a bit of background.

My sister is two years older than me. We have had completely separate lives. She always struggled in school, she made poor decisions, she had my nephew when she was 19. She is unmarried, hasn’t finished college and lives at home with my parents.

I have had a truly blessed life - far beyond what I deserve. I was always a pretty smart person. Went to college and even got my Masters degree. I am a CPA and I was married just over a year ago.

She has told me before that she is resentful of what I have.

It has put a strain on our relationship.

I think I have always felt the need to protect her - I don’t like to tell her things about me as I don’t want to rub it in her face. Meanwhile - she has always kind of annoyed me - as I think she feels the need to impress me - so she constantly talks my ear off.

I will admit - I have not been a good sister.

I have always had this great life - and although I do try to shield her from this - I have struggled with walking around with a sense of pride.

I want to be able to help her, to be there for her, but for whatever reason - it is just really hard for me.

Can someone offer me some advice - what is the best way to mend this broken relationship given the circumstances.

Thanks!

This sounds like my sister and I… I am the eldest of five, and my sister (she is 18) has been growing farther and farther apart from me. I try to ignore our little differences, but she likes to rub everything in my face… such as (in her opinion) she has a better body, better looking boyfriend, better clothes… etc. She is very materialistic, and it is hard to just sit and watch her sink deeper into that pit. >.> I try and sheild her from bad things such as… boys with wrong intentions… (She seems to be very naiive)… but all she does it yell at me for it!

So, not like I am doing any better with our relationship… but for advice… all I can say is ignore the little things. I still love my sister regardless. Pick up the phone and tell her you love and miss her. I do that to my sister every so often, and she does it to me too. We’re different people. We don’t need to get along… but it is always good to know your sister loves you too.

 

[leonie]

I have a similar situation with my sister. She had a baby at 19, and lived with my parents and then in my parent’s second home until last year. She’s now 41.

I have so many gifts that my sister didn’t get. She has a reading disability, and school was very painful for her. She had a very poor self image and ran around with a bunch of losers. She left the church in her teens and had a dramatic reversion about seven years ago and then fell away after a difficult divorce. She’s prone to anxiety, doesn’t seem to have much common sense, and very little empathy. Her health isn’t great. She had a stroke a couple of years ago and made a full recovery. But, she has migraines and low thyroid (untreated), and periodic depression as well as insomnia. Some of her health problems are because of her lifestyle and some are because of her biology.

I don’t know how much of her life/character is because of her choices and how much is because of her biology.

God gave me a greater intelligence, a stronger innate faith with more natural virtues, and greater coping skills. I did nothing to deserve any of it. I have great health and have barely had a headache in my life. I’ve had some periods of depression, but I have a great support systems and a great life–so, it’s easier to overcome it.

I’ve tried to be a good sister. It’s hard because my sister makes so many bad choices. I’ve learned not to give advice because she always has some excuse. I try to just be sympathetic and change the subject a lot. I pray for her.

I could be more involved with her, but at this point in my life, my family takes up most of my time and energy. I wish when I was younger, I would have spent more time with her. But, I was immature and self-involved. And, I found it very draining to be in her company…it’s hard to be around negative people.

So, my advice is to just hang with her. Pray with/for her. Don’t give her any advice. Just treat her with affection and listen to her without expression much judgement. I wouldn’t worry about sharing your life news too much. I might just preface any announcement with, “God has been so good to me…”

I hope you grow to have a closer relationship with your sister than I do…