Need some input?

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LT1

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Hello to All:

It has happened to me…I got a notice from an attorneys office that my wife of 35 years has filed for Divorce and I am the defendant in the case…because she filed for the Divorce and that makes her the Plaintiff.

My wife left me about one year ago after becoming involved with another man who she met while on a Christian mission to Central America. He was the MD and she was the groups RN… He left his wife also… His wife contacted me and informed me of their relationship and that he had moved out of his house after one of her teenage daughters found out by reading his emails that he was meeting and interacting with my wife. They are not RC but Presbeteryan, as was the group my wife traveled with.

My thoughts are I never wanted this and was a happy faithful husband and had just retired after 30 years as a Policeman.
We have three grown kids and four grandkids. I ask my wife not to leave and wanted to try to work out this situation but she has refused any counciling, my wife never gave me indications we were in this kind of situation untill this man came into her life.

Do you think I need to get legal representation? I have no problem with her having whatever she wants from our home or our savings.My Police Pension was made out so she will have my full pension if I should die, She has a full time job as an RN and makes more income than I get on Pension. I would really like her to stay and try to work it out BUT.

I don’t think I want to cooperate in this Divorce in any way that I don’t have to, I have to ackowledge recipt of these papers. But I don’t want to counter charge or be a part of a No Fault by agreeing to a Divorce. I think if I don’t cooperate she will just win her case and be granted the divorce. I don’t think I can contest and her have to stay married if she doesn’t want to.??

Everyone says it is always 50/50 of all property in these things? How would having a lawyer help or change that?

I was thinking of just sitting back and letting her have half of all we have if that is what she wants? She left the house and said she never wants to come back and she has taken just about everything that was hers or she had an intrest in.(I made a post around Christmass when she took our Nativity set.) My life flipped I always looked forward to retirement… My wife and I are cradle catholics and the kids were brought up in the church and two were also married in our church.

Thanks for any thoughts or advise…
 
Get a lawyer. You sound like a nice guy. She’s probably counting on that-- you need someone to protect your rights and your assets and someone who can be impartial.
 
Hello. 🙂 Always a pleasure to help a Policeman. 🙂 No, the split of assets in a divorce is not always 50/50. While 50/50 is the default, there may be reasons to make it a different proportion. And I understand while you don’t want to countercharge. There would be nothing wrong with countercharging if she tried to make the divorce your fault, but this doesn’t seem to be the case. Do consult a lawyer, however. It does make a difference. Some lawyers may specialise in opposing divorce lawsuits. Or the Police might perhaps provide you with assistance at a reduced cost or at least recommended a reputable attorney with respectable morale.
 
LT1 said:
Hello to All:

It has happened to me…I got a notice from an attorneys office that my wife of 35 years has filed for Divorce and I am the defendant in the case…because she filed for the Divorce and that makes her the Plaintiff.

My wife left me about one year ago after becoming involved with another man who she met while on a Christian mission to Central America. He was the MD and she was the groups RN… He left his wife also… His wife contacted me and informed me of their relationship and that he had moved out of his house after one of her teenage daughters found out by reading his emails that he was meeting and interacting with my wife. They are not RC but Presbeteryan, as was the group my wife traveled with.

My thoughts are I never wanted this and was a happy faithful husband and had just retired after 30 years as a Policeman.
We have three grown kids and four grandkids. I ask my wife not to leave and wanted to try to work out this situation but she has refused any counciling, my wife never gave me indications we were in this kind of situation untill this man came into her life.

Do you think I need to get legal representation? I have no problem with her having whatever she wants from our home or our savings.My Police Pension was made out so she will have my full pension if I should die, She has a full time job as an RN and makes more income than I get on Pension. I would really like her to stay and try to work it out BUT.

I don’t think I want to cooperate in this Divorce in any way that I don’t have to, I have to ackowledge recipt of these papers. But I don’t want to counter charge or be a part of a No Fault by agreeing to a Divorce. I think if I don’t cooperate she will just win her case and be granted the divorce. I don’t think I can contest and her have to stay married if she doesn’t want to.??

Everyone says it is always 50/50 of all property in these things? How would having a lawyer help or change that?

I was thinking of just sitting back and letting her have half of all we have if that is what she wants? She left the house and said she never wants to come back and she has taken just about everything that was hers or she had an intrest in.(I made a post around Christmass when she took our Nativity set.) My life flipped I always looked forward to retirement… My wife and I are cradle catholics and the kids were brought up in the church and two were also married in our church.

Thanks for any thoughts or advise…
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Get a good feisty catholic lawyer. Maybe if he makes the divorce proceedings really rough on her she might reconsider?
 
Get a lawyer.

Let Mr. Christian MD adulterer support your ex-wife!!!:mad:
 
Get a lawyer,

It’s such a sad thing to see any marriage break up. So sorry to hear this, and my prayers go out to you, and for your wife to see her error.

Take heart, my sister went through a similar situation. My BIL even had a kid with the home wrecker, BUT eventually he discovered that he really did love my sister more and returned. It took years but he did go home.

In the mean time, make it difficult to hate you by being as nice as you can be. She is the one at fault here, don’t give her any excuse for thinking it is okay to leave. After a while maybe she will come to realize that as well. Odds are Mr home wrecker is not the great guy that she now thinks he is. IF he jumped ship before, there may be a good chance he will jump ship again.

May God bless you and see you through this difficult time.
 
If she has a lawyer, then you need a lawyer too. Make sure you get a good one - ask around for recommendations. The QDRO to split your retirement is only one example of many complicated things that you will lose out on if you try to go up against a lawyer on your own.
 
LT1 said:
I don’t think I can contest and her have to stay married if she doesn’t want to.??
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No, that is not possible with today’s laws. It used to be possible before no-fault divorce.
 
get a lawyer, if you and he feel it will be beneficial to your interests, you can counter sue with yourself as plaintiff but you will probably have to be willing to use adultery as grounds if that is still allowed in your state. If she has a lawyer and you don’t you could wind up with nothing.
 
Hello:

Thanks for the thoughts and (name removed by moderator)ut…I read the section on Divorce in the catechism2382-2386. I get the impression if I would end up being the plaintiff I would Not be the one that is “unjustly abandoned” and trying stay faithful to the sacrament of marriage???
by my active participation in this mess.

I called my local Diocese to see if they could recommend a catholic lawyer to help me and they said NO. They do not recommend lawyers for civil cases??

This is all really hurtful and confusing…

Any ideas on how to find a Catholic lawyer that is a specialist in this?

Thanks
 
Thank you for your peace officer service.

I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Sometimes the back of your parish bulletin will have a lawyer’s number… a parishioner. That person could refer you a to a Catholic lawyer they know that is versed in family law.

You need a lawyer. You have been abandoned. If you can show cause and the other party’s family will testify there was adultery, that can mitigate how much the wife walks off with. It sometimes does matter.

The QDRO and the division of pensions can be affected by a wife remarrying. Just because you assigned her the benefits when you married doesn’t mean you can’t reassign them now to yourself. If she remarries, you have a right to your own support. A lawyer can help you figure out what you can keep.

She will eventually find out the doctor isn’t trustworthy. But she has shown she isn’t either. Maybe you don’t really want to spend your retirement years with someone like that.

I’m very sorry. I know the pain.

You sound like a nice guy. The laws are in favor of the not so nice when it comes to divorce.

The divorce proceedings will go on if you cooperate or don’t. The Church never said you had to let the cheating abandoning spouse walk off with all your money also.

You stay faithful to your sacramental wedding vows by not remarrying afterward. Keeping a roof over your own head does not mean you are actively cooperating in this mess.

You weren’t the one who filed. You’re innocent. You are not willingly hiring a lawyer in order to end your marriage. The sin isn’t yours.

I’m very sorry for what you are going through.
 
Talk to a good priest that you trust.

Visit Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament and lift up your pain and sorrow to Him.

Let Jesus heal your heart and give you wisdom through His Church.

Read Psalm 91& Isaiah 41:10

Know that all our sufferings are a cross that we must bear, and it is an opportunity to join our pain with the passion of our Lord.

God allows suffering to bring about a greater good.

Before we can appreciate the light, we must experience the darkness in our lives.

LT1, God loves you unconditionally.
 
  1. Yes find a good Catholic lawyer, this will be difficult because so many Catholics do not practice and do not understand the basis of their own faith. If you maybe give us your state or main city locale, I bet someone here might know someone to suggest. (There are only so many Italian and Irish names you can go through to ensure yourself, lol)
  2. Many lawyers are able to practice in multi states so, for instance, if you lived in Kansas city, MO, chances are good most lawyers there will have a license to practice law in Kansas City, KS as well being so close and crossing state lines and all.
  3. Many people are suggesting a lawyer. However I know a cop who did this whole thing without one, she may be using one, but it seems like this man knows how he should handle this. This couple were able to bargain rationally and keep the lines of communication open this whole time, and the divorce went smooth. Maybe she is sincere in cutting things off amicably, but you not having a lawyer and not knowing all the law can help shift the egde in her favor especially if there are spats on the backburner. This being said, I am wondering if you know of another policeman who could share their story of divorce and give you some help?
  4. I hate to sound vengeful, it does seem to be a bad eye for an eye thing I got from my mother, but you don’t want a divorce? DONT sign the papers! This will cause more strife and tension. Or sign the papers, when she had enough of her trist with this person, guess who’s arms she’s may come back to? Would you take her back?
Bittersweet story: A couple I know married young, the woman was a manic depressant and depended on her husband. She in this condition was suggested to not get pregnant by her physician. Her illness took a toll on her husband, and he cheated on her, he cheated on her so much he got this other woman pregnant… twice! So he demanded a divorce, to which she refused to sign the papers for several months, until by force one night, he dragged her into their bedroom where the papers where strewn about the bed, he beat the daylights out of her (something he’d never done), … until she gave up on life and finally signed, he stammered his only words “I want kids, I want kids,” with each and every blow, she vowed to never marry again!

The sick part about this evil start of the story is that the other woman has the ex-wife’s email and this broad has the nerve, the outright gall, the utter audacity to send her pictures of their babies in a mass email announcement to friends. Disgusting!

With the invention of myspace(a social networking site she tricked me to get onto a few years ago), the battered woman met a guy beyond her expectations as fast as she got on the site, they are still together, he is considerably younger, and God works in mysterious ways, but he is a graduate of a very prestigious University and has the potential to cure Cancer. When she introduced him to me, I said I think you will be good for my friend, I already see the face of Jesus in you. I never say that to someone I dont know of their religious background, but wow, it just came out, he had a beard that assimilated a member of the Beatles. I always felt the Beatles all looked like Jesus, even Ringo.

Hope this helps some! Please do not hesitate to use this forum for help, it is a bit better most times than going to your church, it seems because we are more Catholics here, united, online together, here all the time. We want to hold your hand through this, come what may. All my prayers are with you!

-Hope
 
There are priests and lay people who are canon lawyers for the Church.

I would talk to a canon lawyer or priest. They would still provide helpful insight and advice into your situation.
 
Hello:
Thanks to everyone for their kindness and thoughts… I contacted a lawyer. He has an ad on the back of my parish bulletin and identifies himself as a parishioner. So I will meet with him. early next week. I also signed and returned the notice of service to my wifes attorney so I guess this is all very real.

I changed parishes last year when all this started to unfold. I go to mass nearly every day to Thank God that he is in my life. It was just to hard to attend the church my wife and I attended together with the family for over 30 years alone. The kids are all moved out and on their own. There is another church nearby where we would go when my working nights or evenings made it easier to attend as a family… So I don’t know this fellow parishioner at all. I pray he is a good person.

I know that this has been said so many times in these situations
but I will again… I thank God my children are grown. The pain of young ones seeing a mom or dad feel like I do and the breakup of the home??? God has to give extra strength and graces I saw it daily my job and I don’t think I ever relized the pain…for everyone.

I now pray for the family in a new and special way every day.
 
Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.

No, it is not “always 50/50.” Frankly, I got just about everything after my husband abandoned us BECAUSE I GOT A LAWYER.

And then I kept on that lawyer throughout the process to be sure my interests were always protected. Had I crawled in a hole and let my ex-spouse just do whatever he wanted, life today would be far more difficult. You cannot trust a person who would betray the marriage not to continue to betray you.

Get a lawyer, get a lawyer, get a lawyer.
 
LT1 said:
Hello:
Thanks to everyone for their kindness and thoughts… I contacted a lawyer. He has an ad on the back of my parish bulletin and identifies himself as a parishioner. So I will meet with him. early next week. I also signed and returned the notice of service to my wifes attorney so I guess this is all very real.
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Sorry this is happening to you. Getting a lawyer is the best idea because he/she can be very objective in this situation where you cannot be. You need your rights protected and you are not in an emotional place right now to think things through correctly.

And I really hate that you signed that document and sent it back. Do not sign anything else at all no matter what it is until YOUR lawyer has a chance to review it. This is for YOUR protection. Is there anyway you can get that document back? If so, I highly recommend it.
 
I am sad for your Catholic wife-- that she has committed adultery. that she’s abandonded her spouse. that she’s put you in greater temptation of seeking solace outside your marriage vows, too.

adultery brings on a world of disaster. i’ll pray for her conversion.

LT1, I’m glad you have a lawyer. My friend is going through a similar thing. she prayerfully determined to proceed without vengeance. in order to do that, about every item for mediation, she asked her lawyer, “what’s fair?” and she followed that guidance.

in the end, despite how horrible she felt at times during the proceeding, she was always at peace that she didn’t act horribly, or vengefully.

and despite her really despising what her ex husbnand has done to their family, she prays for him every single day.

if there are places you know you’ve failed as a husband, your wife’s terrible response is not permission to ignore your own shortcomings. no matter what, we’re called to become ever more the people whom God intends us to be.

finally, don’t ask your kids choose sides. even as adults, it’s unfair to do that to them.
 
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