Need to vent! advice welcome

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shelly5254

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I started watching a little boy when he was 6 months old. After about a year his mom met a man and was married. This resulted in the lil guy not needing a babysitter for about a year. I have started babysitting him, now nearly 3 yrs old, and his baby brother 🙂 baby is 4 months old now. My whole family adores these two boys! We treat them like part of our family not just kids i watch. I charge very little for watching these boys for two reasons. One is that the parents cant afford a lot for daycare. And second i love kids and its not difficult for me to take care of these boys. So heres my vent…they come at 6 am. Often tines mom just doesnt show up. No call no text…i get up early and they just dont show up. I get paid every two weeks…every time i have to ask her if i will be able to get paid on that friday. If i dont ask i dont get paid until the wednesday after at the earliest. Often times they get here at 6 am but mom doesnt go to work. She leaves them with me for ten hours a day so she can do what ever she wants. Granted im getting paid no matter what she does but it bothers me that she leaves her babies for selfish reasons. I take care of these boys like they were my own. I bathe them, feed them, cuddle them, teach them and love them. I feel like im being taken advantage of 😦 im afraid to say anything to her out of fear of offending her and her not letting me watch the boys any more. Weve all grown so attached to these sweet lil guys. I feel stuck 😦
 
Charge more within reason. It should make them make some changes.
 
One of the things I have always felt that we need to do for each other is to be direct and honest if there is a problem. If this mother has already been approached by you about these issues and she continues to do as she pleases, then you are being taken advantage of and your next move is to make a choice about if you want to continue. But, if you have never had an honest conversation with her about what you would like to have happen, then you need to do that ASAP. A person can’t change what they don’t know. It does not have to be a situation where you offend her and I would suggest that you do a practice conversation with a friend or relative. Stick to the most critical issues that would make you feel better and try very hard to use “I” messages. If it were me I would ask her if we could talk for a minute the next time she comes to pick the children up. I would tell her how much I love taking care of the boys and I hope she is happy with how they are doing. Then I would say, I feel like there are a few things I hope you would consider that would be a big help to me. Please call or text me if you are not coming, then I can sleep in or make other plans, and I hope you will be able to pay me every other Friday as it will help my finances a lot. What happens next will hopefully please you. Hope all goes well!
 
You are a blessing to these boys. I have no advice but only something Ann Landers said once you can only be taken advantage of if you alow it. God Bless you for being so good to them.
 
Do not allow her to take advantage of you. The mom needs to know this, and that will help her change.

You can charitably say to her that you can only baby sit x amount of times per week, for x amount of hours per day, and that you need to be paid on such and such a day.

That is the charitable thing to do, and you will be helping the mom to shape up better as a mom.
 
shelly5254 said:
I started watching a little boy when he was 6 months old. After about a year his mom met a man and was married. This resulted in the lil guy not needing a babysitter for about a year. I have started babysitting him, now nearly 3 yrs old, and his baby brother 🙂 baby is 4 months old now. My whole family adores these two boys! We treat them like part of our family not just kids i watch. I charge very little for watching these boys for two reasons. One is that the parents cant afford a lot for daycare. And second i love kids and its not difficult for me to take care of these boys. So heres my vent…they come at 6 am. Often tines mom just doesnt show up. No call no text…i get up early and they just dont show up. I get paid every two weeks…every time i have to ask her if i will be able to get paid on that friday. If i dont ask i dont get paid until the wednesday after at the earliest. Often times they get here at 6 am but mom doesnt go to work. She leaves them with me for ten hours a day so she can do what ever she wants. Granted im getting paid no matter what she does but it bothers me that she leaves her babies for selfish reasons. I take care of these boys like they were my own. I bathe them, feed them, cuddle them, teach them and love them. I feel like im being taken advantage of 😦 im afraid to say anything to her out of fear of offending her and her not letting me watch the boys any more. Weve all grown so attached to these sweet lil guys. I feel stuck 😦
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your care for the boys is over riding your ability to set some boundaries with the mom so you are letting her take advantage of you. You probably need to get a license and set up a contract with her. You are also vulnerable in that if something were to happen while they are with you, she could sue you. You need to start looking at this as a mini bushiness than being a generous friend. But you will not be able to set any kind a schedule and consequences without some kind of license and business to protect yourself. That is wonderful that you care very much for them but that is causing you to be used and set up for possible legal problems later. I highly doubt that if you set up some kind of schedule and boundary she would get made and leave. You have been offering her too good of a deal and you need to risk it in order to save your sanity.
 
Thank you all 🙂

In the beginning we did set up hourly pay, days of pay and hours i would have the kids. On the other issues…i have not adressed them to her. I wasnt sure how to go about it and so came here for insight. Even tho i dont make much money my family needs my income too. I think on some level i feel bad for her. Shes young, 22, and has a bit of a difficult time. I see a lot of the younger version of myself in her and want so badly to steer her in the right direction. In a way i think i am trying to not only show her by my actions but possibly trying to atone for my 22 yr old self…boy maybe i need to lay on the couch and pay for therapy!
 
It is sad that we live in a society where caring for children has become a business transaction, but for your own protection like someone else said, you need a contract. If this mother can not act responsibly, (ie call when she will not be coming and paying on time without first offering an apology and explanation) then I would not trust her to be fair if one of her boys get hurt while you are in charge.

And, this is a lesson I learnt the hard way. Sure other people’s kids are lovable. And the more time I have spent caring for other people’s kids, the more I wanted to be a good example and set them straight especially when I saw the type of home these poor kids go home to. If you spend time teaching them as you said, you are teaching them your way. And the reality is, you are NOT mom and at the end of the day you do NOT choose how they are to be brought up. If this woman drops them off to get rid of them for the day, that is her choice. Unless there is reason to call the authorities, it is I live and let live. A very hard thing to do. The more time you spend with these kids, the bigger the heartache you will have. It is up to you to decide if you will take the heartache, or spend less time with the kids

Angie
 
She brings the boys over even when she is not working? And yet it seems like you are charging her less because you feel sorry for her somehow?

If you really want to make some changes, here are some I would suggest. First, find out how much she would have to pay if she took them elsewhere. Remind her of this at the beginning of the conversation 😉

Talk with her and tell her that you wake up very early so when she drops the boys off later, you feel that your time, which you saved to work, was wasted. You will now have to start *charging her for that time *unless she gives you 24 hours notice so you can schedule properly.

If you are worried about leaving the boys with you on her days off, then you need to raise the rates you charge to make it either financially difficult for her or financially better for you (as I gather your concerns are not that you are caring for them during this time but that she is not, iyswim).

In addition, she will have to pay extra when she does not pay you on time, since you have to pay extra when you can’t pay your bills on time due to her late payments. Maybe she needs to make it a steady thing that she pays you on Wedensday rather than Friday?

Those seem to be your major concerns; you can put it in terms of looking at your budget and seeing that you need to do this; that might make it less “personal”.
 
I think you need to consider what is best for the boys, and not allow your affection for them to override doing what is best for THEM.

Is it really doing the boys a favor to take care of them so that their mom can go pretend to not be a mother?

Don’t misread me here. Certainly I think that every mother needs a holiday once in a while–that’s why a lot of the churches have started “Mom’s Day Out” programs," where moms can drop little ones off for a few hours of free care while they go out and be grown-ups. As a rule, I would say that moms need a break away from their little ones at least once a day, and a longer break (a few hours) at least once a week, and an even longer break (several hours) at least once a month. (I’m a 56 year-old mother of two grown daughters).

But it sounds like this mother is ditching her responsibilities, and using her days off to be away from her boys, instead of using those days off to raise her sons, take them to parks and library story times, play in the back yard or on the living room floor, read to them, make little lunches for them, eat with them, and generally enjoy being a family.

By caring for them, you are encouraging her to continue her immature behavior and preventing her from being a mother to two little boys.

I realize that if you refuse to take care of the boys on her days off, she may very well leave them with someone who is not qualified to care for them, or even do what other moms have done and leave them all by themselves (often with tragic results). BUT…if this is really the way she is with her boys, very immature and non-present, perhaps it would be best for the authorities to step in and take those little boys away from her. And then perhaps you would be able to apply to foster them and continue to give them a stable home and upbringing.

At any rate, please consider what is best for the boys. I think the best thing for them would be to have their own mother provide care, and perhaps if you say “No” to providing cheap childcare, she would be forced to face her immaturity and overcome it. If she still won’t provide care for her sons, then that’s a more serious issue, and IMO, it would be best if the boys were removed from her and given to someone who will provide good care for them.

I hope this post gives you some new thoughts to ponder.
 
shelly5254 said:
Thank you all 🙂

In the beginning we did set up hourly pay, days of pay and hours i would have the kids. On the other issues…i have not adressed them to her. I wasnt sure how to go about it and so came here for insight. Even tho i dont make much money my family needs my income too. I think on some level i feel bad for her. Shes young, 22, and has a bit of a difficult time. I see a lot of the younger version of myself in her and want so badly to steer her in the right direction. In a way i think i am trying to not only show her by my actions but possibly trying to atone for my 22 yr old self…boy maybe i need to lay on the couch and pay for therapy!
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I think you are a very kind person with a lot of understanding and compassion. It is understandable to put yourself in her shoes at 22 years. But and unfortunately, you are being taken advantage of and even putting yourself legally in harms way by not setting up a contract with her. Being 22 years old is not an excuse to dump your children on someone else 10 hours at a time. Compassion is also holding someone to a schedule and some kind of responsibility. You care for them but you ultimately are not their mother. I wish you the best but you are going to have to muster the courage up to draw some kind of lines with her and not let your compassion and sympathy over rule here.
 
Thank you for your thoughts. She and her husband do love their sons. There is no need to get authorities involved. She may be selfish with her time often but when she is present with them she takes care of them to the best of her ability. Thats all any parent can do. Rather then not watch the boys i feel that giving them a stable place to be is important. Not that its not stable at home. Plus i am getting paid to do what i love doing 🙂 over the years we have taken in a few kids for short periods of time. Mostly our childrens friends. On two occasions my step daughters mother could no longer provide a stable home so we took them in with us. Ive seen the impact it has on kids, to be in a loving home. We arent perfect. We dont always put forth the best example. But still we try to provide a safe, understanding place with an equal amount of discipline for kids who need it. I feel strongly that these boys need the things we can offer in addition to what their parents already provide.
 
Shelly5254 wrote:

“Even tho i dont make much money my family needs my income too.”

You can get underpaid by a different struggling, flaky young mother just as well. Don’t worry about the income–you can find another one easily.

“I think on some level i feel bad for her. Shes young, 22, and has a bit of a difficult time. I see a lot of the younger version of myself in her and want so badly to steer her in the right direction. In a way i think i am trying to not only show her by my actions but possibly trying to atone for my 22 yr old self…boy maybe i need to lay on the couch and pay for therapy!”

One of the best things you can teach the mom is to keep agreements and treat people hat she does business with fairly.

About the non-working days–don’t worry about it. That’s a fairly normal thing to do–it’s so much easier to do grocery shopping, get a haircut, or whatever without a kid escort. Just set your rate so you don’t feel taken advantage of.

St. Francis said:

“Talk with her and tell her that you wake up very early so when she drops the boys off later, you feel that your time, which you saved to work, was wasted. You will now have to start charging her for that time unless she gives you 24 hours notice so you can schedule properly.”

Yes! And that will fix a lot of the relationship side, too–Shelly5254 will feel less resentful about the no-shows if she knows she’s getting paid.

It’s really win-win–either she will stop doing the no-shows, or Shelly5254 will get paid. Or the mom will get offended and make other childcare arrangements, which would also be a win.
 
Xantippe said:
Yes! And that will fix a lot of the relationship side, too–Shelly5254 will feel less resentful about the no-shows if she knows she’s getting paid.

It’s really win-win–either she will stop doing the no-shows, or Shelly5254 will get paid. Or the mom will get offended and make other childcare arrangements, which would also be a win.
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Every day care we’ve ever used charged for days the children were scheduled to be there - even if they were not there. Our current dy care charges for days she is off - like today. We paid for 8 hours even though she is closed for Columbus Day.
 
shelly5254 said:
Thank you for your thoughts. She and her husband do love their sons. There is no need to get authorities involved. She may be selfish with her time often but when she is present with them she takes care of them to the best of her ability. Thats all any parent can do. Rather then not watch the boys i feel that giving them a stable place to be is important. Not that its not stable at home. Plus i am getting paid to do what i love doing 🙂 over the years we have taken in a few kids for short periods of time. Mostly our childrens friends. On two occasions my step daughters mother could no longer provide a stable home so we took them in with us. Ive seen the impact it has on kids, to be in a loving home. We arent perfect. We dont always put forth the best example. But still we try to provide a safe, understanding place with an equal amount of discipline for kids who need it. I feel strongly that these boys need the things we can offer in addition to what their parents already provide.
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My two cents: you should distance yourself from this family. Ask the mom to find another babysitter. Offer to be a backup, or to watch them one day a week or something. You are getting too involved in the rearing of these kids that are not yours; it is an unhealthy emotional attachment. And because it is an unhealthy attachment, you are allowing yourself to be used in a way that is not good for you or for her.

You seem like someone who has a lot of motherly love to give. Have you ever considered foster care? So many kids without parents could use someone like you, and I believe there is some compensation in it.
 
You are providing a service for her. I had plenty of families n my daycare that did this, too.

If you charge her X for watching the kids from 6am-5pm, it’s really not your business what she does during those hours- you have agreed to watch the kids at those times, whether she is working, at appointments, shopping, etc. It doesn’t matter that you are doing her a favor and undercharging; raise your prices if you need to.

It may be how she was raised, or some other reason. I’ve had families of professionals (dr, lawyer, etc) who were clients, and did this. My own DH thinks the kids are better off in childcare than “sitting around the house all day.” This is how some children are raised, whether you agree with it or not.

As for not showing up, it’s very inconsiderate. Sit down and talk to her about it. I worked with multiple kids, and was paid for the time whether they arrived or not- if you are not paid those days, I would certainly take issue (as you have scheduled your day around it). If you are being paid whether she utilizes you or not, I’d chalk it up to a hazard of business- although, again, it’s inconsiderate and she should be calling you. Again, bring it up with her.

Do not let her drop off children if she has not paid you. This should be in your contract.
 
shelly5254 said:
I started watching a little boy when he was 6 months old. After about a year his mom met a man and was married. This resulted in the lil guy not needing a babysitter for about a year. I have started babysitting him, now nearly 3 yrs old, and his baby brother 🙂 baby is 4 months old now. My whole family adores these two boys! We treat them like part of our family not just kids i watch. I charge very little for watching these boys for two reasons. One is that the parents cant afford a lot for daycare. And second i love kids and its not difficult for me to take care of these boys. So heres my vent…they come at 6 am. Often tines mom just doesnt show up. No call no text…i get up early and they just dont show up. I get paid every two weeks…every time i have to ask her if i will be able to get paid on that friday. If i dont ask i dont get paid until the wednesday after at the earliest. Often times they get here at 6 am but mom doesnt go to work. She leaves them with me for ten hours a day so she can do what ever she wants. Granted im getting paid no matter what she does but it bothers me that she leaves her babies for selfish reasons. I take care of these boys like they were my own. I bathe them, feed them, cuddle them, teach them and love them. I feel like im being taken advantage of 😦 im afraid to say anything to her out of fear of offending her and her not letting me watch the boys any more. Weve all grown so attached to these sweet lil guys. I feel stuck 😦
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It seems you have limited yourself because you love the children and don’t want to lose them. If that is your priority and this makes you happy, then it would be against what you want to issue any either/or statements to them. If I felt that for the children than I would just suffer thru it the best I can, because it sounds like you couldn’t bear to have the children neglected by their mother. And what is money compared to what you want.

And in addition it sounds like you also feel sorry for their financial situation also and want to help them there also.

It seems you are such a nice/good person to have. Will you be my friend, for I have some teenage grandkids and older who need some help. When can I send them to you? You are my dream come true.

You are a wonderful person to do that. And I doubt that demanding more money and a stricter routine from the mother of the children will reform the mother and make her better in that category. Whatever you do I don’t feel will make her a better mother.

So if you care for the children that much, that make that your priority to keep them in your care. Is the rest that important?

Just some musings, one of which is that I wish we had more like you.

May God bless and keep you. May God’s face shine on you. May God be kind to you and give you peace.
 
Tell her not to bring them at 6 am if it is not absolutely necessary, because it tires you out to start your daycare day at 6 am so often. Tell her how many days a week you would like off, unless she is really in a pickle. Tell her you want between X and Y hours per week or month, and that anything above that is going to burn you out, which nobody wants.

She may not realize that her current pattern of employing you burns you out, and may even think that since you call about your pay that you will welcome as many hours as you can get. Do let her know that you appreciate her willingness to employ you and allow you to have her boys in her life, and that you just want to work out what a mutually-agreeable situation would look like.
 
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