Need to vent: what am I doing, here?

[VirtusTransitus]

Wife and I are trying hard to salvage 21 year marriage with 3 daughters. I’m back to the church after >20 years away. She’s an unbaptized Agnostic or Athiest, depending on her mood. Oldest daughter is 13.

We’re different in every way except that we both want to stay married, both want our kids to grow up to be good people, both value family and commitment. But politically, temperamentally, emotionally, intellectually, etc - very different. Sex life is good for me when it happens, and she says she is happy with it as well. But lately, we go weeks and weeks.

So many landmines, though. For instance.

Wife likes pop culture and movies. I find pop culture offensive mostly and watch very few movies - was the case before I returned to the church. So, tonight, she practically insisted that I watch Django Unchained with her. I’m just not interested. I watched the latest James Bond movie with her last night, although she got up and barely watched any of it. And I watched the end of O Dark Thirty this afternoon. Django just doesn’t sound appealing too me - I’m not a fan of Q. Tarantino. She pitched a fit. Got really upset with me. So then she puts on Silver Linings Playbook and calls me thirteen year old daughter in to watch it with her. She’s already seen it with me. We both know there are significant adult sexual themes, as well as about 400 F-bombs and other adult language. I ask her if she thinks it’s appropriate for our 13 year old? She says, I don’t know - what do you think? (She uses Graboid to watch all these new release movies at home, which I understand is legal to subscribe to but is basically a pirate video site, which I honestly don’t think is ethical, either…)

So I printed out the review from a family movie review site. It clearly shows all the profanity/sexual stuff. I handed the review to her. Nothing. So, once again (she does this to me all the time) I’m the bad guy. I either have to stop my daughter from watching a movie she’s really enjoying (it’s fairly funny) or allow her to watch the movie with her mom, who she has an otherwise strained relationship with. This time, I chose not to counter my wife’s decision (or lack of a decision) because the movie doesn’t have any overt sexual scenes, and my wife’s language is about as bad as the F-bombs in the movie, anyway.

But how is this going to work? I have a 7 year old and a 4 year old, as well. She watches this kind of stuff while they are still awake and running around the house all the time and I have to give her the raised eyebrow and ask her what she’s doing. When I’m not around, clearly she doesn’t screen what she watches or says around the girls.

I’m trying to make this thing work. But I feel like I’m hammering her choices at every turn, and she feels that way too. How the hell does this work?

She’s not changing. She’s made that clear - she’s a committed anti-Catholic, anti-religion secularist who really doesn’t think her behavior is a problem. And no matter how often I bring this stuff up in therapy, she diffuses or waters it down, and the only real progress lately is that she tries not to drop F bombs around the younger two quite as much.

I feel like I’m supposed to stay for the sake of the kids, but if I put my foot down every single time, I’ll be in a fight 9 out of every 10 waking hours.

Sorry for the vent. But holy ****. I guess this is my cross to bear? Do I just accept the fighting and keep putting my foot down and making her look like I disapprove of her choices in front of the girls? Not happy.

 

[Moore11]

Well number 1 is that it seems you are battling over petty things. If I were your wife I would resent you always thinking you are holier than thou.
2) You made the decision as little as 4 years ago to create life with this woman and it does not sound like she changed over night. You chose this, time for you to man up and take some responsibility for your own situation.
3) I suggest a good Catholic counselor to help you.
4) You need to be living a catholic life and it does not sound like you are in a marriage that the Church recognizes. You need to bone up on your faith. Live chastely until you have your situation sorted out. I dont think you are "back in the Church but rather you have one foot in the door. (dont get me wrong that is a VERY good thing.) But dont be suprized when your wife of 13 years freaks out at you all of the sudden finding God and berating her movies!

You need to live your faith in an honest and not in your face attitude if you ever want to win your wife back.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

Oh, and I left out the real kicker. Since I’m back in the church, I want to get our marriage convalidated. Except…things get so bad sometimes, and I get so depressed about my situation, that I wonder if I’m causing myself more problems down the road. Right now, if the marriage blows up and we just can’t take it, I was never married in the church’s eyes anyway. But if I get the marriage convalidated, and it subsequently blows up, then what? I’m not sure the church would nullify a marriage it had recently convalidated.

I feel like the correct thing to do is convalidate if possible. But I also feel like there’s a really good chance we don’t make it past the next couple of years.

So frustrating. I’ve given this up to God and am trying to just do the next right thing. But man is it every frustrating.

 

[Moore11]

Oh, and I left out the real kicker. Since I’m back in the church, I want to get our marriage convalidated. Except…things get so bad sometimes, and I get so depressed about my situation, that I wonder if I’m causing myself more problems down the road. Right now, if the marriage blows up and we just can’t take it, I was never married in the church’s eyes anyway. But if I get the marriage convalidated, and it subsequently blows up, then what? I’m not sure the church would nullify a marriage it had recently convalidated.

I feel like the correct thing to do is convalidate if possible. But I also feel like there’s a really good chance we don’t make it past the next couple of years.

So frustrating. I’ve given this up to God and am trying to just do the next right thing. But man is it every frustrating.

I’m sorry how are you “back in the Church” could you define that please. Does that mean that you have gone to confession, and are living chastely until your marrige is valid so you can receive the Eucharist?

 

[VirtusTransitus]

Well number 1 is that it seems you are battling over petty things. If I were your wife I would resent you always thinking you are holier than thou.
2) You made the decision as little as 4 years ago to create life with this woman and it does not sound like she changed over night. You chose this, time for you to man up and take some responsibility for your own situation.
3) I suggest a good Catholic counselor to help you.
4) You need to be living a catholic life and it does not sound like you are in a marriage that the Church recognizes. You need to bone up on your faith. Live chastely until you have your situation sorted out. I dont think you are "back in the Church but rather you have one foot in the door. (dont get me wrong that is a VERY good thing.) But dont be suprized when your wife of 13 years freaks out at you all of the sudden finding God and berating her movies!

You need to live your faith in an honest and not in your face attitude if you ever want to win your wife back.

Is it petty? I’m not sure.

I acknowledge #4 - in fact, I posted about as you were posting. It’s confusing.

And you misunderstand. I don’t berate anything. I don’t judge what she watches. She judges me for not wanting to watch, then makes what I think are questionable decisions about what my 13 year old daughter watches with her.

Marriage is 21 years.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I’m sorry how are you “back in the Church” could you define that please. Does that mean that you have gone to confession, and are living chastely until your marrige is valid so you can receive the Eucharist?

Back to mass and devotion. Cannot go to confession or communion until the marriage is convalidated. Since we’re trying to get our marriage back on an even keel after a really difficult spot, living chastely isn’t always something I manage, but (in some ways, unfortunately) it hasn’t been a concern lately.

I’ve met with a Priest and understand my way forward in getting back in Communion with the church.

 

[Moore11]

Is it petty? I’m not sure.

I acknowledge #4 - in fact, I posted about as you were posting. It’s confusing.

And you misunderstand. I don’t berate anything. I don’t judge what she watches. She judges me for not wanting to watch, then makes what I think are questionable decisions about what my 13 year old daughter watches with her.

Marriage is 21 years.

I’m not going to argue with you that is your wife’s job. But man to man, I’m telling you right now that I am sure you do in fact berate her movies but how silly is that YOU ARE ARGUING WITH HER AND ME ABOUT MOVIES THAT TARANTINO DIRECTS!!!
Time for you to see a little more clearly how she may be taking your new found morality.

 

[Moore11]

Back to mass and devotion. Cannot go to confession or communion until the marriage is convalidated. Since we’re trying to get our marriage back on an even keel after a really difficult spot, living chastely isn’t always something I manage, but (in some ways, unfortunately) it hasn’t been a concern lately.

I’ve met with a Priest and understand my way forward in getting back in Communion with the church.

Good for you! I can’t imagine how hard that would be.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

I’m not going to argue with you that is your wife’s job. But man to man, I’m telling you right now that I am sure you do in fact berate her movies but how silly is that YOU ARE ARGUING WITH HER AND ME ABOUT MOVIES THAT TARANTINO DIRECTS!!!
Time for you to see a little more clearly how she may be taking your new found morality.

Sorry, Moore. You’re incorrect. I don’t berate her movies. And she knows I have always not enjoyed pop culture for the post part. I said that in my original post. This is nothing new. When she watches something I don’t like, I quietly find another place to be - no eye rolling, no commenting. I don’t argue with her about Tarantino movies. She berates me for not watching them. I reread my post and I’m not sure where you are getting what you’re inferring.

What’s new is, she’s decided that she’s going to bring my 13 year old daughter in to watch movies that contain material she knows is inappropriate for a 13 year old.

Anyway, thanks for the response.

 

[Moore11]

Sorry, Moore. You’re incorrect. I don’t berate her movies. And she knows I have always not enjoyed pop culture for the post part. I said that in my original post. This is nothing new. When she watches something I don’t like, I quietly find another place to be - no eye rolling, no commenting. I don’t argue with her about Tarantino movies. She berates me for not watching them. I reread my post and I’m not sure where you are getting what you’re inferring.

What’s new is, she’s decided that she’s going to bring my 13 year old daughter in to watch movies that contain material she knows is inappropriate for a 13 year old.

Anyway, thanks for the response.

Ok like I said I dont want to argue. apparently she has no idea why you dont want to watch the movies. I saw on some of your other threads some clarification of your situation. I also saw you doling out an aweful lot of “frank” advice about marriages. As a military man I thought you would appreciate the strait talk. One of the things people struggle with (me included) is the need to be introspective and honest. Especially those who have radically changed thier lives like stopping drinking and finding religion. To others it can really seem hypocritical. And in some ways it is.

Good luck to you, you will need it.

I’ll pray for you and your wife tonight! Prayer can be so powerful!

 

[PaulfromIowa]

Is it your cross to bear? Yes, exactly. You chose to have 3 children with this woman. They are innocent.

If you divorce, are they going to be better off with a succession of mom’s new boyfriends? Of course not. You should be in family counseling. If she won’t go, go by yourself.

Pray for your wife and children every morning and night. If you persevere, things will eventually get better.

 

[vsedriver]

Is it your cross to bear? Yes, exactly. You chose to have 3 children with this woman. They are innocent.

If you divorce, are they going to be better off with a succession of mom’s new boyfriends? Of course not. You should be in family counseling. If she won’t go, go by yourself.

Pray for your wife and children every morning and night. If you persevere, things will eventually get better.

I agree whole heartedly with the above. Get your marriage together first! You found something attractive about this woman enough to marry her and have 3 kids with her. Re-establish that connection.

Surely if you were dating you would sit through a movie you didn’t like just to be with the girl. You’d fake it for an hour or two to make her feel good. Any pain you think you would endure by going through a divorce is a thousand fold more painful for the kids.

Believe me, your wife feels your disapproval of HER, not just her views and tastes in entertainment.

 

[katolsk]

What I want to know is how do you have so much time for movie watching?

Do you do healthy activities as a family? Hiking, etc? Step away from the screens. Play a board game, ping pong.

Try to elevate an attitude of gratitude in your house.

If you’re watching movies illegally, stop it!

Why don’t you set up some compromises? She agrees to cool it with movies especially r rated, and you can do something for her?

 

[mountee]

You and your family are in my prayers. May God lead you to the solution that will heal this marriage.

 

[marykate2]

You are saying conflicting things: first you say that you both want the marriage to work. Then you say you don’t see it lasting more than a few more years. Honestly, your posts sound like you want out of the marriage, but this is going against your conscience, and so you are looking at her to blame.

Honestly, if you both desire to salvage the marriage, that is a huge place to start. How many posts are there on this blog about how one party wants out, and the other wants to save the marriage?

I understand how when one first returns to the faith, there can be this flooding of fervent desire to make changes all at once. And I would imagine your wife feels really defensive about not living up to your expectations. I think a really place to start is to apologize to your wife for any hurt you caused her. I would tell her that you respect her desire to not practice a religion, but that you need to return to your faith, and ask her to respect that. It would be a good idea for you to go through RCIA or something like that. Why not ask your wife if she’d be willing to go with you to a few classes, not because you are trying to convert her, but because it will help you both to understand and respect each other, and because you want to convalidate the marriage at some point?

Focus just on building your own faith, and because a good and kind husband and father. Set an example for your kids of how a man loves and respects his wife. Keep it simple. Don’t try to do too much too soon.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

I agree whole heartedly with the above. Get your marriage together first! **You found something attractive about this woman enough to marry her and have 3 kids with her. Re-establish that connection. **

Surely if you were dating you would sit through a movie you didn’t like just to be with the girl. You’d fake it for an hour or two to make her feel good. Any pain you think you would endure by going through a divorce is a thousand fold more painful for the kids.

Believe me, your wife feels your disapproval of HER, not just her views and tastes in entertainment.

It’s hard to put this across to people who revert after marrying while lapsed. There isn’t any discernment while being lapsed. In our case, we had established a sexual relationship within a month of meeting each other. We continued that relationship until we broke up. We went our separate ways for several years, got back together, broke up again, and shacked up before we married. None of this was in accordance with the life I want to live now. And coming back into full communion with the Church has added a strain on the marriage b/c my husband did not come back with me. My faith has been a threat to the way we used to live, which he sees nothing wrong with, but which I deeply regret.

So one cannot just “re-establish” the connection one made when one was lapsed. Truthfully, the relationship needs to be re-formed in the image of Christ and His bride the Church, but how can it when one partner doesn’t even believe?

Virtus, you have my prayers.

 

[karbear]

I see your conundrum. It is a difficult one. The only advice I can give is stay strong and give the situtation over to God. Ask for his will to be done.

 

[yellowbird]

Having seen the Playlist movie, I would agree with you that it’s not appropriate for a 13 year old, but right now - if calling your wife out on it causes a big fight and leads to you questioning if this marriage is going to work (and I know is about more than just a movie - totally get that) but I’m honestly thinking pick your battles. Because the harm done from your daughter watching that movie full of F-bomb is nothing compared to the harm she’ll suffer if her parents divorce.

Get your marriage blessed in the Church. Get yourself all the way back - (confession etc.) and then let God work on your wife. Right now you’re just dipping your toe in the water… make a full commitment to your marriage and your faith … then allow the Holy Spirit to work in your family.

Will pray for you & your wife at mass today.

 

[VirtusTransitus]

Appreciate everyone’s responses.

They were all helpful in their own way. The best path forward for me is baby steps and first things first. I’m going to mend my marriage anyway I can without jeopardizing my soul, and at the same time pursue convalidation.

It won’t be easy or smooth. But right now it’s the only goal that makes sense.

Thanks again.