Need to Vent

  • Thread starter Thread starter DoloresHeart
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
D

DoloresHeart

Guest
Things are not going well right now. My life at home is incredibly difficult and my mother is becoming more and more difficult if that is even possible. I’m feeling this tremendous burden and I have nowhere to lighten it or put it down. I’m having occasional nightmares of my mother physically attacking me like she did when I was little, and I still daily get to live her terrifying verbal abuse as well as her constant subtle passive-aggressive putdowns. She hasn’t physically abused me in over a decade but the memory of the past still lingers.

My school (university) only offers a limited number of free counseling sessions and I have ran out- it was very very few to begin with. I do not make a lot of money and I am desperately trying to save up enough to move out, so I really cannot afford even inexpensive counseling sessions and I really wish I could have an orthodox, Catholic counselor as opposed to somebody secular.

I’m taking a class this summer and I have an exam on Wednesday which I am afraid will not go well no matter how much work I put into the class. I can’t afford to not do well in this class.

My friends are unavailable yet I intensely long to speak with them. God seems aloof but as always I stay close as I can even if I feel nothing. Lately all I’ve been doing is throwing myself at the foot of the Cross and telling Him over and over again “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I want to love You but I don’t know what to do.” It’d probably help if I could just cry myself to sleep some night but I truly have to be at a breaking point to be able to weep (I’ve always been that way, extremely reserved with my feelings).

I’m just running on empty these days.
 
Hi Doloresheart! I’m so sorry for all your troubles 😦 I know what its like to be desperate for help and having no one to turn to. Could you get some spiritual direction to help you heal from your past wounds and carry your present troubles? Is there a Catholic ministry on campus or could you speak with a priest at your home parish?

I also know how stressful it can be to want to do well in school. I’m the same way. Please just do your best and don’t worry about the rest. Whatever the results are, God will make it all work in your favor. There have also been studies showing that we preform better on tests when we are confident in our abilities, so try and be confident.

I’m not sure what the situation with your mother is, but is it possible for you to limit contact with her? Are you living with her? Can you move out? No one should have to put up with abuse of any kind. Please try and get spiritual direction to help heal from the past abuse.

I know its hard to see, but God is still with you. Remember that Jesus himself was lonely and questioned if God had abandoned him. So he even knows that feeling.

I probably haven’t given any useful advice, but my heart and prayers go out to you. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk with someone. God bless :console:
 
I’ll pray for you. My heart goes out to you. I can relate.
Do your best to make and keep boundaries.
If you are not strong enough to do this at this point: avoid, avoid, avoid.
Study in the library.
Only go home to sleep.
If you can’t afford to eat out: PB&J’s work really well for quite a while.

The most healthy thing to do is to erect boundaries. You must do this eventually, but I can see wanting to focus on school at this point.

Personally I moved 2000 miles away from the abuse and lived out of my car for a while.
Now I’m her care giver, but I had 15 years to build my self-esteem before letting her back into my life.
The oppression is still fierce at times, but boundaries make it possible to survive.

Remember, when you find it hard to pray is when you need to pray the most.
If you are unable to pray, see a priest right away. Let him pray for you.
I will keep you in my prayers. Be well.
 
DoloresHeart said:
Things are not going well right now. My life at home is incredibly difficult and my mother is becoming more and more difficult if that is even possible. I’m feeling this tremendous burden and I have nowhere to lighten it or put it down. I’m having occasional nightmares of my mother physically attacking me like she did when I was little, and I still daily get to live her terrifying verbal abuse as well as her constant subtle passive-aggressive putdowns. She hasn’t physically abused me in over a decade but the memory of the past still lingers.

My school (university) only offers a limited number of free counseling sessions and I have ran out- it was very very few to begin with. I do not make a lot of money and I am desperately trying to save up enough to move out, so I really cannot afford even inexpensive counseling sessions and I really wish I could have an orthodox, Catholic counselor as opposed to somebody secular.

I’m taking a class this summer and I have an exam on Wednesday which I am afraid will not go well no matter how much work I put into the class. I can’t afford to not do well in this class.

My friends are unavailable yet I intensely long to speak with them. God seems aloof but as always I stay close as I can even if I feel nothing. Lately all I’ve been doing is throwing myself at the foot of the Cross and telling Him over and over again “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I want to love You but I don’t know what to do.” It’d probably help if I could just cry myself to sleep some night but I truly have to be at a breaking point to be able to weep (I’ve always been that way, extremely reserved with my feelings).

I’m just running on empty these days.
Click to expand...
Praying for your intentions.
 
DoloresHeart said:
Things are not going well right now. My life at home is incredibly difficult and my mother is becoming more and more difficult if that is even possible. I’m feeling this tremendous burden and I have nowhere to lighten it or put it down. I’m having occasional nightmares of my mother physically attacking me like she did when I was little, and I still daily get to live her terrifying verbal abuse as well as her constant subtle passive-aggressive putdowns. She hasn’t physically abused me in over a decade but the memory of the past still lingers.

My school (university) only offers a limited number of free counseling sessions and I have ran out- it was very very few to begin with. I do not make a lot of money and I am desperately trying to save up enough to move out, so I really cannot afford even inexpensive counseling sessions and I really wish I could have an orthodox, Catholic counselor as opposed to somebody secular.

I’m taking a class this summer and I have an exam on Wednesday which I am afraid will not go well no matter how much work I put into the class. I can’t afford to not do well in this class.

My friends are unavailable yet I intensely long to speak with them. God seems aloof but as always I stay close as I can even if I feel nothing. Lately all I’ve been doing is throwing myself at the foot of the Cross and telling Him over and over again “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I want to love You but I don’t know what to do.” It’d probably help if I could just cry myself to sleep some night but I truly have to be at a breaking point to be able to weep (I’ve always been that way, extremely reserved with my feelings).

I’m just running on empty these days.
Click to expand...
Been there and still doing that. I’m the same with a money pit house and no support. Sometimes we get handed a lot and there’s no easy answer and no way to see the end of the tunnel. If it helps to know you aren’t alone then know you aren’t the only one. The only thing we can do is pray and hope that someday God will remember us.
 
I am so sorry you are going through this, I am praying for you. I went through something similar; however, I was lucky enough to get a great amount of therapy. You need to find the strength to stick up for yourself. When you mother gets verbally abusive tell her she is getting mean and out of line. Tell her you are sorry she feels the way she does about you and that you are working hard to move out so she doesn’t have to deal with you anymore. she might start to realize that she will lose you someday. If she physically attacks you, you need to call the police, no matter what. Try to find abuse support groups, surely they have one at your school. Take care of you!
 
Dolores,

I am sorry that you are going through this, I will pray that God grants you strength and peace. I know it is hard for you, but try to keep in mind that this is only temporary. It is hard when you have been abused by those that are supposes to love you, but who they are is not a reflection of who you are. Regardless of what your mother says – is meaningless, her actions / words are most likely from self-loathing and instead of turning her resentment on herself she directs it towards you. YOU are not her, as you state you place you trust in God, praying and seeking Him for strength and peace; and He will grant you both.

When your mother starts to be abusive towards you – ask her why does she say such things to you? Ask her if there is something bothering her that she needs to talk to you about. As in: “Mom that was hurtful what you just said. I know that you do not mean it and that there may be something bothering you. I love you and want to help you get over it so if you want to talk I am willing to listen.” Now this may not work as she may have other issues, but it is worth a shot.

It may help you also if you try to spend a little time at home as possible when she gets abusive – studying at the school library, or a park, someplace peaceful. But always remember you are not alone, there will always be those willing to listen and help. You are your own person; do not let your mothers “issues” dictate who you are. God loves you and will always be there for you, do not let the actions of another make you think that God is causing you harm.

I pray that God continues to grant you strength in dealing with your mother. And that He also grants you peace and understanding that you are not your mother you are your own person and you will always be loved by God.

Winter
 
Hi Dolores,

I am so sorry for your struggles.

I was in a situation that was very similar to yours when I was younger.

I lived at home, too, and went to school while living at home. My parents were physically and verbally abusive, while I was growing up. They divorced, and I lived at home with my Mom. The physical abuse stopped when I reached puberty, but the verbal abuse continued on into adulthood.

I eventually moved out and married.

What I did was stay away from home as much as possible, when living there. I studied at the school library, and I saw my friends whenever possible. I did things that I enjoyed, too, like going to the movies, shopping, etc. I tried to stay away from my Mother as much as I could.

As far as counseling goes, there are low cost counseling services that are available on a sliding fee scale that are based on your income. Catholic Charities offers these services, and you could also try your community mental health services, too.

God is there, and does love you. Jesus is closest to us when we suffer. :hug1:
 
Thank you all so much, from the bottom of my heart, for your responses, kind wishes, and prayers. It means a lot to me. I’m not sure that I am feeling too much better right now but I know that things can improve and I need to stay strong and trust in God.

I’m finding myself feeling exhausted and isolated. I thank God every day for my friends, particularly for an especially close and dear one, but they like me are busy. Sometimes I want to talk to them every single day but I crucify that desire so that they do not ever feel smothered or otherwise brought down by me. (We tend to speak a couple of times a week for a couple of hours at a time- it just works for our schedules.) We have a very 50/50 friendship and I love them so much and I just miss them when they go through busy periods (or I do). But, I know I should be very grateful- and I am!- for the blessing of true friends, a seeming rarity these days, and I cherish their love, solidarity, and support.

I am checking out other counseling ASAP and what a good idea to check with the parish or college Catholic group. I do try to spend as much time away from her as humanly possible which has helped to keep me sane.
 
And here I am again. I’m sure people are tired of my problems by now, I just don’t know where to turn. I tried to look into counseling and until the fall semester starts again, there are no abuse survivor type meetings going on nor anything available from the Catholic groups. Not much available at the parish. Maybe I’ll try another one but if I’m not a member I am not sure they will help me. So for now, I’m stuck for the summer but I will keep looking.

As of late my mother has been pretty bad. She has been so incredibly unkind and personally insulting- even over things that I literally have no control over (like my height, which she insults me for being short- I am 5 and a half feet tall!), and anything else one can imagine. I know she must do these things because she has no self-respect and so she feels she needs to insult others, but it still really hurts. Most of what she is saying has no basis in truth either, which I know full well, but it is still painful. My self-esteem is bad enough without her needing to crush me yet again, practically every day. And whenever I show joy or delight in something, she tries to ruin that too. I know this is my cross to carry, and I must try to do so patiently, but it is just really hard sometimes. My friends have been such a big help but I don’t even want to tell them everything she has said to me, and I feel like by talking about it I am not accepting my cross. But then I think that if one becomes sick, that is a cross for them, but they still need to try to regain their health and take care of themselves, and that is what I am trying to do here.

I run to Our Lady for comfort but what I want more than anything in this world is to feel her arms around me.

Please say a prayer for me if you have time, and I keep you all in mine.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top