Need urgent advice for a friend!

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eva77

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Let me first state that my friend, Dan, has already gone for confession, and done penance, he just needs advice on how to go on.

Dan got a girlfriend, whom he had been dating for about 4 months, pregnant. Dan can’t marry the girl because he says she isn’t what he wants for a wife, cos she’s lived a relatively wayward life and although she says she’s changed but he suspects she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. So he sends her away to another state because if his mum, who had previously warned him aganist the girl, finds out she’s going to be heartbroken, and he just doesn’t want the girl around him cos he’s ashamed and all that.
Dan is asking what he should do next, he doesn’t want to marry her, but she wants to marry him and she’s doing all the psychological stuff to get it, threats, blackmail, tears etc… And Dan is scared he might end up marrying her which he thinks would be the worst thing ever. However, Dan talks to her everyday and tries to soothe her when she starts ranting, cos he says he doesn’t want her to be pushed into doing something bad (like abortion or suicide), while he claims he doesnt love her (but i think he somehow does).
What do you advice please??
 
There’s a cultural context that we aren’t familiar with, but here are some thoughts. I don’t know how you’ll be able to sweeten them so that Dan will listen, but I don’t think Dan is behaving well in this situation.
  1. She “got pregnant on purpose to trap him” is so lame on his part. Getting pregnant is the expected outcome for having sex. It’s not some sort of freakish event that has to be explained. Healthy, fertile women eventually get pregnant when they have sex.
  2. Dan has also “lived a relatively wayward life.”
  3. Dan will have to contribute meaningfully to the support of his child until that child reaches adulthod.
  4. “he just doesn’t want the girl around him cos he’s ashamed and all that.”–That’s really cowardly on his part. What is she supposed to do when she feels ashamed of being an unwed mother?
  5. “Dan is asking what he should do next, he doesn’t want to marry her, but she wants to marry him and she’s doing all the psychological stuff to get it, threats, blackmail, tears etc…”
On the one hand, yes she does sound crazy and manipulative and he should not marry her now. On the other hand, pregnancy (not to mention being abandoned) does make women CRAZY, and this is a particularly difficult situation for her, so it’s hard to tell if this is normal for her, or an aberration.

I would suggest bringing her back, being materially supportive, telling mom before the girlfriend does and seeing his pastor early and often. They shouldn’t get married now, but they should see their pastor. Once the baby is born and the girlfriend is acting less crazy (a year or two from now), it might be time to think about discerning marriage. I can’t tell from the OP whether they should or shouldn’t marry, but I think Dan should take it slow, give the girlfriend a chance to get back to normal, and remember that he’s done a lot of the stuff he is holding against her. He isn’t entitled to a better woman, because he isn’t a better man. That’s not to say that they should marry, but it’s not true that she isn’t good enough for him.

Best wishes!
 
In my opinion Dan should man up and marry this girl. As he cannot predict the future he may well find that The Lord will bless him abundantly.
 
If he isn’t going to marry her, is he going to give her some kind of financial support? Is he going to be a part of this child’s life? Does the girl know he doesn’t love her? Shame is a bad thing. The baby is already conceived. A precious child of God is coming into the world. What is best for the baby? In spite of the circumstances, every child needs to be loved and to know that it is loved. There is responsibility on the part of the mother and the father. Praying for peace and acceptance for all involved. Dear Lord, hear and answer us.
 
I agree with the comment left by Xantippe above.

They both should see their pastor and take some time to discern what is the next move. Rushing into marriage not the best decision, but for the sake of the child, both of them should abstain from dating anyone else and focus on their relationship (because no matter what happens, they’re both tied to each other because of the child).

I’ll say a prayer for them both. This woman sounds a bit unsteady, and unfortunately it seems that your friend preyed on that and used her. I’ll pray that for the sake of this new life, both of them can make choices that will be constructive instead of destructive to their own lives.

God Bless!
 
eva77 said:
Let me first state that my friend, Dan, has already gone for confession, and done penance, he just needs advice on how to go on.

Dan got a girlfriend, whom he had been dating for about 4 months, pregnant. Dan can’t marry the girl because he says she isn’t what he wants for a wife, cos she’s lived a relatively wayward life and although she says she’s changed but he suspects she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. So he sends her away to another state because if his mum, who had previously warned him aganist the girl, finds out she’s going to be heartbroken, and he just doesn’t want the girl around him cos he’s ashamed and all that.
Dan is asking what he should do next, he doesn’t want to marry her, but she wants to marry him and she’s doing all the psychological stuff to get it, threats, blackmail, tears etc… And Dan is scared he might end up marrying her which he thinks would be the worst thing ever. However, Dan talks to her everyday and tries to soothe her when she starts ranting, cos he says he doesn’t want her to be pushed into doing something bad (like abortion or suicide), while he claims he doesnt love her (but i think he somehow does).
What do you advice please??
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Marriage isn’t about liking someone or loving someone or whatever. It’s about the spiritual and physical protection of your children.

Marry her.
 
He should NOT marry her–not before a lot of discernment. In fact, the Church *discourages *marriage under these circumstances because it is grounds for annulment. The “force” of a baby’s coming along can diminish the free will necessary for *sacramental *marriage.

The two of them can seriously consider the sacrifice of adoption, which would allow the baby to have two parents who love each other and have some stability. It may be that the mother will not go along with this option, in which case the Church does teach that the father must provide support of all kinds: material, emotional, and spiritual. Dan should be a true father in every way to the child, even if he decides against marrying the baby’s mother.

How on earth did he manage to “send her away”?
 
eva77 said:
So he sends her away to another state because if his mum, who had previously warned him aganist the girl, finds out she’s going to be heartbroken, and he just doesn’t want the girl around him cos he’s ashamed and all that.
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This sounds foolish. Mum has already most likely mentally prepared for this outcome ina way since she had previously warned him. It’s all got to come out eventually and he could actually use the support and guidance of his mother at this time. (Some) Girls have being getting pregnant to secure a marriage since time began and he should under no circumstances marry her under these condtitions. I know of a couple who were in this situation who did not marry as they’d only been dating a few months, but ended up marrying by the time the child was a toddler out of genuine love and free will. It was a really heart warming story for the whole parish community.

But the whole secrecy thing is a bit silly. It’s much better to face the music now and let everyone deal with their own petty prejudices if that’s the case.
 
I had a hard time getting past the part about Dan sending his girlfriend away. As an earlier poster observed, there are probably cultural factors that are difficult for me to understand, but it is unfathomable to me that a man would consider, or have the power to “send away” his girlfriend.

My opinion is that they should not get married right now. I’m pretty sure priests (at least around here) would counsel against it. Marrying her now could be considered coercion and could result in not even having a valid marriage.

However, they should, if at all possible, be living close to each other. And he should be a helpful supportive presence in her life before she has the baby, and should take an active role in the baby’s life afterwards. This should include financial support as well as fulfilling his role as father as well as he possibly can while not living with the child. The problems with the mother need to be worked out - in counseling if necessary. And if they are able to reconcile, then they can consider marriage, but it shouldn’t happen because he feels manipulated into it.

The thing is, his life must now be primarily about the care of his child. That is where the focus needs to be. So any embarrassment or wish to not have to deal with a less than ideal woman has to be left aside, now that there is something much more important at stake. The baby needs him to be a father.
 
This is just not about Dan anymore. He needs to have everything out in the open with his parents, her parents and so on. The reason to talk to both families is so that everyone is protected in this especially the baby. He will not be able to be manipulated if his family knows, and the girls family will hellp make sure that Dan fulfills obligations. This is the first step.

Every baby is a blessing, and deserves to be welcomed with love, and celebrated. I hope Dan and his girlfriend realize this, and do everything in their power to make this happen.
 
I don’t think marriage will help at all in this situation.

Dan should acknowledge that he hasn’t lived an ideal life, and may be the father of the baby. Sounds like he was ok having sex with this girlfriend, but then when she became pregnant he didn’t want any part of the situation. Not a very honorable way to treat someone you obviously care enough about to have sex with and call them “girlfriend”.

Once the baby is born a paternity/DNA test should be requested.
If he is the father of the child he should be financially and morally responsible for taking care of the child and it’s upbringing (schooling, shared parenting, etc.). He should honor the mother of his child and respect her.

If he is not the father of the child he should try to amend his life so he does not encounter this situation again.
 
mommy_k said:
This is just not about Dan anymore. He needs to have everything out in the open with his parents, her parents and so on. The reason to talk to both families is so that everyone is protected in this especially the baby. He will not be able to be manipulated if his family knows, and the girls family will hellp make sure that Dan fulfills obligations. This is the first step.

Every baby is a blessing, and deserves to be welcomed with love, and celebrated. I hope Dan and his girlfriend realize this, and do everything in their power to make this happen.
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This^ is good advice!
 
eva77 said:
Let me first state that my friend, Dan, has already gone for confession, and done penance, he just needs advice on how to go on.

Dan got a girlfriend, whom he had been dating for about 4 months, pregnant. Dan can’t marry the girl because he says she isn’t what he wants for a wife, cos she’s lived a relatively wayward life and although she says she’s changed but he suspects she got pregnant on purpose to trap him. So he sends her away to another state because if his mum, who had previously warned him aganist the girl, finds out she’s going to be heartbroken, and he just doesn’t want the girl around him cos he’s ashamed and all that.
Dan is asking what he should do next, he doesn’t want to marry her, but she wants to marry him and she’s doing all the psychological stuff to get it, threats, blackmail, tears etc… And Dan is scared he might end up marrying her which he thinks would be the worst thing ever. However, Dan talks to her everyday and tries to soothe her when she starts ranting, cos he says he doesn’t want her to be pushed into doing something bad (like abortion or suicide), while he claims he doesnt love her (but i think he somehow does).
What do you advice please??
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I give it a 50/50 chance she is pregnant, and if she is pregnant about 50/50 the baby is his.

As for what should he do? He should talk her into giving the baby up for adoption because neither person in this tale of woe is much of an adult - much less a parent. He also needs to take a long hard look at his life and decide what he’s going to do about becoming a man.
 
Xantippe said:
There’s a cultural context that we aren’t familiar with, but here are some thoughts. I don’t know how you’ll be able to sweeten them so that Dan will listen, but I don’t think Dan is behaving well in this situation.
  1. She “got pregnant on purpose to trap him” is so lame on his part. Getting pregnant is the expected outcome for having sex. It’s not some sort of freakish event that has to be explained. Healthy, fertile women eventually get pregnant when they have sex.
  2. Dan has also “lived a relatively wayward life.”
  3. Dan will have to contribute meaningfully to the support of his child until that child reaches adulthod.
  4. “he just doesn’t want the girl around him cos he’s ashamed and all that.”–That’s really cowardly on his part. What is she supposed to do when she feels ashamed of being an unwed mother?
  5. “Dan is asking what he should do next, he doesn’t want to marry her, but she wants to marry him and she’s doing all the psychological stuff to get it, threats, blackmail, tears etc…”
On the one hand, yes she does sound crazy and manipulative and he should not marry her now. On the other hand, pregnancy (not to mention being abandoned) does make women CRAZY, and this is a particularly difficult situation for her, so it’s hard to tell if this is normal for her, or an aberration.

**I would suggest bringing her back, being materially supportive, telling mom before the girlfriend does and seeing his pastor early and often. They shouldn’t get married now, but they should see their pastor. Once the baby is born and the girlfriend is acting less crazy (a year or two from now), it might be time to think about discerning marriage. I can’t tell from the OP whether they should or shouldn’t marry, but I think Dan should take it slow, give the girlfriend a chance to get back to normal, and remember that he’s done a lot of the stuff he is holding against her. He isn’t entitled to a better woman, because he isn’t a better man. That’s not to say that they should marry, but it’s not true that she isn’t good enough for him. **

Best wishes!
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👍👍👍
anonymous_in_fl said:
I don’t think marriage will help at all in this situation.

Dan should acknowledge that he hasn’t lived an ideal life, and may be the father of the baby. Sounds like he was ok having sex with this girlfriend, but then when she became pregnant he didn’t want any part of the situation. Not a very honorable way to treat someone you obviously care enough about to have sex with and call them “girlfriend”.

Once the baby is born a paternity/DNA test should be requested.
**If he is the father of the child he should be financially and morally responsible for taking care of the child and it’s upbringing (schooling, shared parenting, etc.). He should honor the mother of his child and respect her. **

If he is not the father of the child he should try to amend his life so he does not encounter this situation again.
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👍
 
Thanks everyone!!
St_Francis said:
How on earth did he manage to “send her away”?
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Actually, she agreed to go for a ‘‘vacation’’ and he funded it.

Dan isn’t abandoning the baby,or planning to, he intends on taking full care of the child.
About fessing up and telling his folks (which was my first advice to him), he stubbornly insists on not being the disappointment to his family (really, like you can hide a child forever).

@Xiantippe…its not like he thinks she’s not good ‘enough’ for him, but she’s not spiritually supportive. Dan admits he too has lived a wayward life, but he now wants to grow spiritually, and needs a wife who will help him do that. According to him, He once told her to join him in doing a rosary novena (after i told him to try and help her spiritual growth too) but she refused telling him to stop playing games.

@mommy k…really good advice,thanks!!

@Rmac…your prayers will definitely help.
 
eva77 said:
Thanks everyone!!

Actually, she agreed to go for a ‘‘vacation’’ and he funded it.

Dan isn’t abandoning the baby,or planning to, he intends on taking full care of the child.
About fessing up and telling his folks (which was my first advice to him), he stubbornly insists on not being the disappointment to his family (really, like you can hide a child forever).
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He’s going to “be a disappointment” to them at some point, so he might as well get it over with. As a parent myself, I can assure you that he will be doubly a disappointment if he puts of telling them!

To me, the major problem here is that he is embarrassed. He messed up and the world will now know that he messed up. He needs to get over that.
@Xiantippe…its not like he thinks she’s not good ‘enough’ for him, but she’s not spiritually supportive. Dan admits he too has lived a wayward life, but he now wants to grow spiritually, and needs a wife who will help him do that. According to him, He once **told her to **join him in doing a rosary novena (after i told him to try and help her spiritual growth too) but she refused telling him to stop playing games.
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Surely he invited her?

Suggest that he consider where she is–was her family one in which the Faith was practiced? Does she even know about any of this stuff?

And he needs to consider too what his reaction would have been when he was at his most “wayward.”

If he wants to help her spiritually, the first thing he must do is pray and amend his life. The second is to pray for her. Gradually, she *may *see that he has amended his life and grow to trust him more as well as seeing that developing one’s spiritual life has some good effects. Sometimes people are too far away from wanting to change their lives to consider their spiritual lives; he may not see any results from his “work” for many years–think of St Monica, who prayed for her son for 17 years before he converted!

However, tell him that as teh child’s father, he needs to give to the baby as much of the Faith as he can; he has an equal right to determine this. (I say this because I know a parent who allowed the other parent to make this determination out of some emotional stuff which seemed to indicate a lack of right in this area.)
 
SamH said:

“I give it a 50/50 chance she is pregnant, and if she is pregnant about 50/50 the baby is his.”

I would argue for somewhat different numbers, but there is that possibility. Dan hasn’t gone to any prenatal visits yet, has he?

The chance of non-pregnancy or non-paternity is one of the reasons why wait-and-see is a good idea (with a DNA test, as other people have wisely suggested).

Also, if she isn’t pregnant, it’s still possible for him to get her pregnant, so Dan should be particularly cautious about not falling into sin with her now.

As described by the OP, there is absolutely no chance of this young woman keeping her mouth shut if she is pregnant and Dan doesn’t marry her. She is going to make a BIG appearance to his parents one of these days, and the only way to avoid that is to tell them first.
 
Is there any possibility of them giving the child up for adoption? I don’t think marriage is in the best interest of either of them at this point. If she raises the baby, the courts absolutely will force him to pay child support for 18 years, which also puts a huge crimp in his finding the kind of wife he thinks he deserves. :doh2:
 
Your friend needs to take responsibility for his actions.

At a minimum he must provide financial and material support for the mother of his child and her baby.
 
GusIsAGirl wrote:

“Is there any possibility of them giving the child up for adoption? I don’t think marriage is in the best interest of either of them at this point. If she raises the baby, the courts absolutely will force him to pay child support for 18 years, which also puts a huge crimp in his finding the kind of wife he thinks he deserves.”

Bear in mind that they seem to be in Nigeria, so a lot of things probably work differently–the attitude toward unwed parenting, the legal environment, expectations of support from unmarried fathers, etc.
 
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